There was a man in Detroit who didn't have a clue. He made Lions fans' faces turn black and blue. Many of those same fans were really stewed. And then he decided to hire Martin Mayhew.
That man is named Ford. His figurative tires are stuck. And he clearly can't see his way through the muck. Looking at this, Downs says "Aw shucks!" 'Cause Ford is no good; no, he totally ####s!
I said Ford ###s, and that's a fact. His handling of this team had no tact. There are many things this 0-16 team lacks. And knowing W.C. Ford, losing is his knack!
I really lamented Marinelli; I thought he was over his head. But after today's presser, I knew what I thought had no cred. Because it is clear who makes fan's faces turn red That man is Ford; he should be forced to his bed!
The man seems like a clone of Donald Sterling. Who keeps the Clippers' wheels keep whirling and whirling. They seems joined at the hip; that has me stirring. Because neither one has a guy like Merlin.
Look at yesterday; the game at Green Bay. And much to the Lions' fans dismay. The Packers beat them up; a truly ugly display. And then I thought; they could lose to the Tampa Bay Rays!
The team was two players; Johnson and Smith. Other than them, the rest could probably jump ship. Poor coverage and broken tackles; plenty of blips. And a 31-21 defeat; 0-16 attached to their hips.
But let me be clear who is to blame. It is Ford who carries that flame. Until he sells the team, he can proudly claim That he is the worst owner in the game!
The message here is clear; William Clay Ford is directly responsible for the debacle that is the Lions. He needs to sell this team now; wtf was he thinking promoting Mayhew (a Matt Millen cronie) to GM? If Millen was his mentor, he'll stink, too! And not hiring a guy like Parcells to at least mentor Mayhew; Ford is pure genius! It's a shame that the only way this sorry team will improve is if a really bad thing happens to Ford, but it seems like that is the only way it will happen.
In an aside, I applaud Rod Marinelli; I have been his most vocal critic on these blogs, but he handled himself with class and diginity, and I hope that some team will hire him to be an assistant coach; he did the best with a no-win (literally) situation. And shame to the Detroit Lions, especially Ford. You deserve having your car company on the rocks, and scant support of "your football team". You really f####ng ####!
Today marks my second anniversary of the day I decided to unleash my cynicism on these blogs. Yes, November 23rd, 2006, I signed up for this blog, and I remember the first post well. It was about the NFL, and it invloved the Thanksgiving day games.
That night, I wrote that the NFL should consider changing its lineup for the Turkey day games. At the time, the Cowboys were not playing spectacularly, the third NFL Network game featured the Colts destroying the Vick-less Falcons, and the Lions were, well, the Lions. They were the feature of my post, as I said they should not have a mandatory game on national TV when they lost frequently. The next day (which was Thanksgiving), Joey Harrington and the Dolphins ripped them, and the Lions showed no class by playing Billy Joel in mock of Harrington and singled him out for intro just so fans could boo.
Well, two years later, things haven't changed. And now, even the major sports networks agree with me. Today, Mike Ditka put the entire NFL in the doghouse for continuing to allow the Lions to dirty up Turkey day. So, the question I have is the same one I asked two years ago; should the Lions be removed from Thanksgiving?
The answer, in my opinion, is the same; yes, they should! Why would the NFL want to 'showcase' an 0-10 (soon to be 0-11) team? And against a team (Tennessee) who could be 11-0 that same day? It's a frickin' massacre waiting to happen! I don't want to see that! Give me a game with meaning. Please, not the Lions!
And this isn't my bias against the Losers, er, Lions here; the NFL shoud want to have the best matchups they can muster here. There's an easy solution to this problem; flex the Thanksgiving matchup! Here's how you do it; the week before the games, if (or should I say when) the Lions stink, you tell a better matchup (call the two teams therein) and say "You're playing on Thursday". This gives you enough time to save Thanksgiving.
It seems ironic that I celebrate two years by doing the story I wrote on that first night here. But, as the title says, some things never change. The sky is always blue, the taxes have to be paid, and the Lions will lose a lot. Until the Fords (who apparently can't run any franchise) get serious about this team, they'll remain a disgrace to the league. And, to recall my first title post, there are too many turkeys on Thankgiving, and that shouldn't be the case. It's time for a change.
I haven't posted on the site too much this month, mostly because I have been swamped at school, but also because there hasn't been anything I felt interested enough in to write. Then, yesterday, I found inspiration from a familiar source. That's right; everyone's favorite losers, the Lions! Yesterday's press conference was easily one of the best I've seen this season.
For those who didn't pay attention (so basically, everybody), head lame duck, er, coach Rod Marinelli had a heated discussion with Detroit News (and ESPN FirstTake) scribe Rob Parker. Parker asked him, in essence, how was his mood after another loss (31-22 to the Panthers, making the Losers 0-10), whether he was disgusted or encouraged. Marinelli said he had complete faith and confidence in his players, and that he had to work harder to get into the win column. When Parker then wondered how he could be encouraged by this team, Marinelli tried his best to turn into Jim "Playoffs!" Mora or Denny "They are who we thought they were!" Green, and tried to insinuate that Parker was just trying to create a story.
The comdedy didn't end there, though. Parker later appeared on Sports Final Edition on Channel 4 here in Detroit, and defended his actions, and then said that the Lions should fire Marinelli because it's doing no good to keep him when it's obvious to most that he will get canned at season's end anyway. Instantly, Detroit had its version of Ozzie Guillen versus Jay Mariotti.
Where do I, an unabashed Lions basher, stand on this? I am in 100% agreement with Parker; Rod's ship has sailed on him. When former Lion Lomas Brown said on the same SFE show where Parker said the Lions should fire Rod that the team hasn't quit on him, I say "Really?". This team does play hard at times, but never for a full game. And isn't it lovely that the 10 million ex-Buccaneer players he brought in have, for the most part, stank!? So too has his son-in-law (and ex-Bucs coach) Joe Barry. Hell, Rick Barry would have been more able to run this D! Consider that Carolina rushed for 264 yards, and both DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart rushed for over 100 each. Then consider that nearly 200 of those yards came after the 1st hit. Shoddy tackling has been the hallmark of these Lions since Marinelli took over, which is ironic for a former D-line coach.
And if Marinelli considers himself a motivator, he needs to get more bran in his diet; even my seventy year old grandmother, who knows very little about football, thinks he's an ####! I haven't had faith in his ability since he took over! So, why would this team give any effort to him? He needs to go. And before you say "It's too late in the season to do it", consider this; the Lions fired Darryl Rogers and replaced him with Wayne Fontes with four games to go in 1988, and fired Steve Mariucci after the Thanksgiving game a few years ago. So why not make it Rod-gone!
So, Rob, while your appearences on ESPN may grate at times, you're correct here; Rod should be fired. And fire his son-in-law as well, so the fam can get the hell out of Detroit!
Forgive me for being a little tardy on the competition post; I was at a journalism intern fair at college, and it got pretty busy. Now then; the post makes it abundently clear what the topic is. What current NFL coach is feeling the burn the most? Who has such shaky security, that working for Al Davis would look like fun? Who wishes they had William Clay Ford for an pwner? Here are my top five, and the reasoning behind it:
5. Wade Phillips, Cowboys: I'm not saying that Phillips will be fired tomorrow; I mean to look at what he must do to stay beyond this year. He must overcome Tony Romo's thumb injury, placate two primadonna WRs in Terrell "Team Obilterator" Owens and Roy "That Annoying #### First-Down Signaler" Williams, fix a defense that has major secondary problems, wonder about Pacman's future, and take the 'Boys to the Super Bowl after not winning a playoff game since 1996. Easy, isn't it?
4. (tie) Eric Mangini, Jets & Romeo Crennel, Browns: Monday's impressive win not withstanding, the Browns were expected to be better than 2-3 at this point. Crennel was on the hot seat prior to last season, when the Browns went 10-6, because players seemed to be on the verge of mutiny against his Belichick-ian ways. Crennel must make the playoffs to keep the wolfs at bay, since his QB entered Monday as the NFL's lowest rated passer, and the fans could still pine for Brady Quinn. Meanwhile, Mangini is under even more pressure than Crennel, considering that the Jets brought in Brett Favre and several other prominent FAs to make a run right now. Mangini has come under fire for being too conservative, and it could get hotter if the Jets lose.
3. Herman Edwards, Chiefs: In a previous blog competition post, I said that the Rams were the worst team in the NFL because they fought more than the Hatfields and McCoys. Well, look at the dissention in KC; Tony Gonzalez wanted out, but is still there (the countdown to him becoming Shockey has begun), Larry Johnson was charged with assault, and the Chiefs don't have a quarterback. Combine that with a terrible stretch of play (1-13 if my math is correct) and the lack of imagination (quote of the year; I heard someone say "Edwards should realize that Army isn't #1 anymore) and you've got some major heat.
2. Marvin Lewis, Bengals: Speaking of dissention, Lewis is another example of getting bitten in the rear by bad apples. The Bengals began their offseason with both Chad Ocho Cinco and T.J. Houshmanzadeh pining for new homes/new contracts, and their lack of conditioning has been evident. Granted, injured QB Carson Palmer has barely played, and Ryan Fitzpatrick has been terrible, but neither play defense, which was supposed to be Lewis' forte, and has stunk in Cincy throughout his tenure. But at least he has won in the past, which I can't say for...
1. Rod Marinelli, Lions: I'm not looking through this with rose-#### glasses! Marinelli is the only coach I think right now should be fired on the spot! The Lions invent new ways to lose each week; last week, they chose simply to rip the heart out of the few fans they had left by showing abysmal clock management and allowing the Vikings to kick the winning field goal. They traded Williams to Dallas for draft picks in a draft without a legit star at the top, and then they treat Jon Kitna (who I don't really care for) like #### by ending his season with an 'injury' that would heal through rest! Why stop someone who is lightyears better than Dan "Where's the Out of Bounds Area?" Orlovsky and Drew "Injury Waiting to Happen" Stanton? Marinelli should be fired, plain and simple.
There's my coached on the hot seat. What coaches do you think should be feeling the heat? Just let me know in a comment. Until next time, may these coaches feel really lucky that I don't own a team!
Today, the clouds finally disappeared. The suns drenched Ford Field in downtown Detroit, almost as if a heavenly event had occured. Indeed, such an event did occur for long suffering Lions fans, as the most inept GM this side of Elgin Baylor has apparently resigned. That's right; Matt Millen is finished in Detroit!
So, to 'honor' Millen in only the best way I know how (to completely ridicule and belittle him), and to get some more Millen jokes in before they're gone, I dug up some of my archived post material to send him out in style! Here we go!
From “Whose to blame for Lions’ Woes”, November 23, 2006: Today, in another display of Thanksgiving ineptitude, the Detroit Lions lost to Miami 27-10 as Joey Harrington burned his former team for 3 TDs. During the game, frustrated fans started a familiar chant of "Fire Millen!" in reference to the embattled president of the ball club. As a lifelong Detroit resident, lets put things in perspective. Yes, Millen's record as the prez is terrible (23-68 after today) and yes he did draft badly (Harrington, Charles Rogers, Mike Williams) but lets say he is fired after the season. Then what? I say when things are always bad, you must look at the top, which means you must look at the Fords in charge. That family has owned the franchise for 42 years now, and exactly how many titles have they won? Zero! And the team has just one playoff win in those years to boot. They've hired too many coaches to count, and they hired Millen despite having no experience as a executive and have allowed his reign of terror to continue into a sixth season.
(commentary on above: I blame the Fords here, but this was just my second post, so I wasn't in full bash-Millen mode yet!)
From “My List: Top Ten Worst Player-to-Executive Transitions”, March 2008: 1. Matt Millen: Millen is the posterchild for any team looking at ex-jocks on TV and thinking about hiring them to run the team. In short, don't believe the packaging! Millen has the worst record of any executive in the NFL over his tenure, and the Lions, who had a winning record before he arrived, have been no better than 7-9 over his tenure. His draft picks (Joey Harrington, Charles Rogers, Mike Williams, and now Kevin Jones) have tanked, his free agents have stank, and fans have been on the verge of mutiny in recent years. Millen may not have techincally been a star athlete, but his name must be included on any list of former players who haven't been good GMs/coaches.
(Now I was in stride, though my Millen jokes were featured in comments on other blogs, as you will see!)
From “Beating a Disgusting Dead Horse”: September 8, 2008: You may notice that I have not mentioned Millen much. That's because this perpetually inept franchise will NEVER fire him! And being a season ticket holder (just so I can spread the fire to a public audience), the Lions fans deserve better. Unfortunately, they will never get it as long as William Clay Ford and Millen run the team. So, now that the Lions are underway to another 10-loss season, I will continue to rip them at every opportunity. Because it's readily apparent that this team needs a front office overhaul, and until that happens, the digusting dead horse will continue to ride! Gotta go; the effigy is being set on fire!
(I guess I was right; he wasn't fired, though Bill Ford Jr. probably 'nudged' him to resign!)
A Response to Jokerswild’s blog about pep talk phrases: “Momma, don’t let your boys grow up to be Matt Millen!”
(Isn't it true? Look at the failure he is!)
From “A Petition for Common Sense: Sign Up En Masse”: September 15, 2008: This is a request to remove Matt "He Falls Splat" Millen as the general manager of the Lions. Mr. Millen has been found guilty of many high crimes while in charge of the Lions, such as;
1) Willingly engaging in unrelenting losing, and then blaming everyone else for his own failures.
2) Making mind-numbingly bad draft pick one after another (Charles Rogers, Mike Williams, Kevin Jones, etc.) and bad reaches when desperate (Gosder Cherlius).
3) Having an obsession with coaches who start with "m" (Marty Morhinweg (whatever his name was), Steve Mariucci, Rod "Gutless" Marinelli) and who shouldn't be head men in the first place.
4) Impersonating an NFL GM. Do I really need to say more?
5) And even you, Mr. Ford, are guilty of high crimes; you allowed all of this to occur without any attempt to stop it.
The most recent disaster occured Sunday at Ford Field against the Packers. Following the embarassment in Atlanta, the team continued to stink, as the Packers rolled to a 21-0 lead. Your offense was inept, the defense even worse, and the crowd began to serenade them with the "Fire Millen" chant. Things looked grim.
Then, in the 3rd quarter, the team had new life. Jon Kitna hit Calvin Johnson for two TDs, and the Lions led 25-24. Alas, they soon realized they were run by Mr. Millen, and the Pack rolled to 24 unanswered points to win 48-25, as Kitna threw 3 INTs (two returned for TDs) in the final five drives of the game. One of the fans even cursed out linebacker Alex Lewis after the game ended.
If you want to avoid having your team treated with antipathy and apathy, you must wake up and realize Mr. Millen isn't good as his job at all. Your team is a laughing stock of the NFL, and has the worst record in the league since Millen took over before the 2001 season. Even Al Davis is laughing at you. Do you honestly think that perennial losing will placate fans who haven't seen a winner since Wayne Fontes and Barry Sanders were in town? Hardly.
In summation, Mr. Millen should be sent out to pasture; I wouldn't even give him his old job at Fox after this disaster. Fire Mr. Millen, and at the very least hire some competent football people. Or, if you don't want to, sell the team. The lame efforts this team has given the suffering fans must come to an end, or else we'll call Clay Bennett and ask "Think Oklahoma City can support football?".
Sincerely, long suffering Lions fans and their supporters at Fox blogs
(See, bloggers? You can make a difference!)
From “Thank You, Captain Obvious”: Yesterday: With that Donald Sterling-esque resume (William Clay Ford’s), you legitimately question his desire to win. As so many Lions bashers from Detroit have said (and to all those bashers, I'm with you 100%, so don't blaze me!), the Lions have become a business. In the NBA, Sterling figured this out years ago; he said "Hey, why invest in a winner? If I can keep costs low and incompetence high, I can rake in the cash and go home!". The common thread with these teams; neither owner ever wants to fire the GM. Sterling needs Elgin Baylor to carry out his master plan, and Ford needs Millen to do the same.
(More Ford and Millen bashing. Little did I know this would be the final bash with Millen in charge)
There's my tribute. A poignant commentary to a sad sack loser o####M. Now the Lions need to find a real football man to run this team. And I emphasize "man", because the 'boys' who have run this team into the ground must go. While I don't believe they'll hire the right kind of guy, change is necessary, and Millen was just taking the life out of the Lions. Now, all together now:
"nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, oh hell yeah, gooodbyeee!"
Yesterday, the fans of Detroit Lions football (all three of them; Matt Millen, Rod Marinelli and William Clay Ford) listened to a statement that is all too apparent to everyone but themselves. Bill Ford Jr., the son of the owner, said in the Detroit Free Press that, if he were in charge of the Lions, he would have fired Millen a long time ago, and criticized the lack of change in the organization. A ringing endorsement of how things are going with the 0-3 Lions, huh?
To be fair, I have been one of the most vocal critics of the Lions on these blogs. The team is so comically inept that the MNF crew last night called them an 'embarassment', and I agreed with them! But it's pretty sad that the owner's son comes and basically rakes his dad over the hot coals. That's when you know things aren't harmonious in the family; when your wealthy son (made wealthy by association) calls you a ####. But is this an attempted wake up call to the sleeping Lions? Hardly.
And before you think it could be, consider that Jr. has no stake in the Lions; Sr. is still in charge. And as long as Sr. has owned the team (this will be 44 years since he acquired ownership), look at the results:
zero championships and zero appearences in the Super Bowl/NFL Championship one playoff win three division titles nine playoff berths so many coaching changes, you lose count
With that Donald Sterling-esque resume, you legitimately question his desire to win. As so many Lions bashers from Detroit have said (and to all those bashers, I'm with you 100%, so don't blaze me!), the Lions have become a business. In the NBA, Sterling figured this out years ago; he said "Hey, why invest in a winner? If I can keep costs low and incompetence high, I can rake in the cash and go home!". The common thread with these teams; neither owner ever wants to fire the GM. Sterling needs Elgin Baylor to carry out his master plan, and Ford needs Millen to do the same.
So, after all is said and done, the Lions will still be the Lions; a team perennially doomed to fail, and a team that will never win until the Ford stench is removed from it. It's really unfair to the fans who stuck by this team that Ford wipes his feet on them, but until fans stop feeding the beast, the beast will dominate.
The following is a petition appealing to all Fox bloggers to help restore common sense to a team that epitomizes a lack of sense. That's right, I'm talking about the Detroit Lions, and the following is my petition to remove the most inept GM in sports history from his less than lofty perch:
Dear William Clay Ford,
This is a request to remove Matt "He Falls Splat" Millen as the general manager of the Lions. Mr. Millen has been found guilty of many high crimes while in charge of the Lions, such as;
1) Willingly engaging in unrelenting losing, and then blaming everyone else for his own failures.
2) Making mind-numbingly bad draft pick one after another (Charles Rogers, Mike Williams, Kevin Jones, etc.) and bad reaches when desperate (Gosder Cherlius).
3) Having an obsession with coaches who start with "m" (Marty Morhinweg (whatever his name was), Steve Mariucci, Rod "Gutless" Marinelli) and who shouldn't be head men in the first place.
4) Impersonating an NFL GM. Do I really need to say more?
5) And even you, Mr. Ford, are guilty of high crimes; you allowed all of this to occur without any attempt to stop it.
The most recent disaster occured Sunday at Ford Field against the Packers. Following the embarassment in Atlanta, the team continued to stink, as the Packers rolled to a 21-0 lead. Your offense was inept, the defense even worse, and the crowd began to serenade them with the "Fire Millen" chant. Things looked grim.
Then, in the 3rd quarter, the team had new life. Jon Kitna hit Calvin Johnson for two TDs, and the Lions led 25-24. Alas, they soon realized they were run by Mr. Millen, and the Pack rolled to 24 unanswered points to win 48-25, as Kitna threw 3 INTs (two returned for TDs) in the final five drives of the game. One of the fans even cursed out linebacker Alex Lewis after the game ended.
If you want to avoid having your team treated with antipathy and apathy, you must wake up and realize Mr. Millen isn't good as his job at all. Your team is a laughing stock of the NFL, and has the worst record in the league since Millen took over before the 2001 season. Even Al Davis is laughing at you. Do you honestly think that perennial losing will placate fans who haven't seen a winner since Wayne Fontes and Barry Sanders were in town? Hardly.
In summation, Mr. Millen should be sent out to pasture; I wouldn't even give him his old job at Fox after this disaster. Fire Mr. Millen, and at the very least hire some competent football people. Or, if you don't want to, sell the team. The lame efforts this team has given the suffering fans must come to an end, or else we'll call Clay Bennett and ask "Think Oklahoma City can support football?".
Sincerely, long suffering Lions fans and their supporters at Fox blogs
Come on, people! Let's get some support (or at least three people)! Matt Millen must rid the Lions of his stench so people like me can breathe!
Many Fox bloggers (especially those who frequent the NBA blogs) know that I like to pile on the Detroit Lions. I frequently use GM Matt Millen as a punch line (and he's provided plenty of material) and always lament their inability to win. But going into yesterday, I never imagined I would write a post about them. Then, they put on a performance worthy of a skewering. I knew then, another Lions rant needed to be posted.
Where to begin? Let's start with the pregame notions. That the Lions would roll over the young Falcons, who seemed to still be reeling from the blatent stupidity of Michael Vick. Now, I'm not going to proclaim the Falcons as a playoff contender (though in the NFC, anything is possible), but rookie HC Mike Smith did a wondeful job exploiting the weaknesses of the Lions. Matt Ryan did a great imitation of Ben Roethlisberger as a rookie; he didn't make major mistakes, and took shots when he had the chance (witness the bomb to Michael Jenkins). Smith also allowed Michael Turner and Jerious Norwood to run wild on the pourous Lions run D (where have you gone, Shaun Rogers? Though he stunk yesterday, too), as Turner broke Gerald Riggs' team record with 220 yards. Kudos to Atlanta for getting the job done.
Now, to the Lions. Just when I think that they can't sink any lower... well, you get the picture. Here are my major beefs with these idiots:
Jon S###na, er Kitna: This motormouth has said (two years running) he would be disappointed if the Lions didn't win 10 games (btw, I have a better chance of winning Miss America then the Lions have of winning 10 games. But if they said losing 10, then...), then lays an egg on local TV (this being the Lions, they should never grace national TV). He was terrible, replete with overthrows, underthrows, and his usual INTs. To cap it off, he does his best TO impression by yelling at teammates and coaches in full view of the camera. If Drew Stanton wasn't injured, I'd have a feeling Kitna would have been benched. And I hope he is, sooner rather than later, because he has no upside, and is what he his; a backup who has limited ability and who wouldn't start on at least 90% of NFL teams.
That damn run D: It seemed everytime Turner or Norwood ran, they looked like vintage Jim Brown, breaking a thousand 'tackles' en route to the end zone. The Lions coughed up over 300 rushing yards to the Falcons, and the tackling on display makes my lame attempts at them in high school look good! And they allow a team that scored over 30 points just once last year to carve them up. And I though Rod Marinelli was a defensive guy? Bull! They have no talent other than Ernie Sims, and until they get some, expect more of the same.
Speaking of Rod: It's getting close to the time that Lions fans dread; the time when you question how good of a coach you have. Marinelli might have been good as a DL coach in Tampa, but I think he's a mediocre head man, at best. What makes me yank my hair out (what's left of it, with that gaping bald patch in the back) is his stunning lack of 'courage' (O.K., balls) he has; he's so conservative that, when down by two scores early in the fourth, he gladly punted away on 4th and 1, and the Lions never were in it again. I'm convinced that he would punt the ball on 4th and Goal from the 1 because he doesn't have balls! He better find some soon, or he'll join Millen at the fans' mock hanging!
So much for commiting to the run: Admittedly, the Lions were so far behind, they couldn't commit to the run. But it's painfully clear that they can't run the ball. Kevin Smith did very little, and Rudi Johnson was used more AS A SLOT RECEIVER!!!!! Last time I checked, he was a straight line runner. This dumb### commitment to running needs to be junked, because if they continue with it, they will stink (wait, they always stink!).
You may notice that I have not mentioned Millen much. That's because this perpetually inept franchise will NEVER fire him! And being a season ticket holder (just so I can spread the fire to a public audience), the Lions fans deserve better. Unfortunately, they will never get it as long as William Clay Ford and Millen run the team. So, now that the Lions are underway to another 10-loss season, I will continue to rip them at every opportunity. Because it's readily apparent that this team needs a front office overhaul, and until that happens, the digusting dead horse will continue to ride! Gotta go; the effigy is being set on fire!
Yesterday, in my post, I mentioned Brett Favre and the mess that is the Green Bay Packers. In the humor post before that, I ridiculed both sides. Let's look back at what I said yesterday:
Brett Favre is finally back. Do you feel sorry for the networks (ESPN, NFL Network)? I mean, they do have 55 of 60 minutes to fill! But hopefully, this Favre-a-Mania will (finally end).
Well, as many of you can tell, the networks were granted a reprieve; Favre and the Pack are once again at odds. The lies and annoyance made me think about other possible lies in the world of sports. With that in mind, I decided to rip off another late night host (the My List feature of my blog was from Letterman) and do the Truth in Advertising that Leno does... but as related to sports. For those who are confused, I'll state a sports item, and then will state what it really would mean if there was actual truth in the advertising. You'll see once I get started.
Here's the first item:
What it says = What it should say
NFL (National Football League) = TBFADEDL (The Brett Favre All Day Every Day League)
Brett Favre = Michael Jordan (he of many retirements and unretirements)
Green Bay Packers = The Power of Moldy Cheese
Aaron Rodgers = Steve Young (not in as good as Young, but how he'll never be accepted like Young wasn't by SF fans who loved Montana)
And let's not limit it to the Favre fiasco. There's plenty to choose from:
Manny Ramirez = Jim Rome's boyfriend
Tony Kornhesier = The guy who rarely works, even on MNF.
Charles Barkley = Jose Canseco's next opponent (in case you're confused, Barkley is taking up boxing to get in shape).
John Madden = Most distraught announcer in the world
The cover of the new Madden 09 game = A little too late, and a collector's item (the last time you'll see Favre in green unless it's the Jets).
NBA = League that hopes Spurs dissolve.
The Olympics = Something that's not interesting
Beijing = L.A, only with more polluted air
Prince Fielder and Manny Parra = Best buddies (not)
And now, to finish, some hometown truths:
Tigers & Kyle Farnsworth = The only people who thought Farnsworth for Pudge Rodriguez was a great deal.
Pistons = a broken record (they're still the same; brace for a decline)
Red Wings = Best team in Detroit
Lions = Buccaneers... if this was 2003 (I mean, how many did they sign in the offseason, seven?)
Matt Millen = Man with a smoking gun on William Clay Ford
Lions success in my lifetime = No chance in hell
Well, now I've vented. If you've got any prose, just leave it in the comments. Until next time, may the Favre situation get resolved so we can get to real sports.
Throughout July, I have done a series of lists in the NBA posts where I select an all-time team for each NBA franchise. I did this not just because I wanted to do something different, but because very little of significance has happened in sports. Recently, the only story I have heard about has been the Brett Favre soap opera. Everyone from "experts" to the guy down the street has had an opinion. So, I tried to avoid the cesspool.
But, after enduring so much BS about Favre and his "will he, won't he" things, I decided to write something about Brett, and at the same time, start a semi-regular segment on my blog. As very few of you knew, I wrote a post for the since-forgotten Humor Contest where I created the BoreStars of Tim Duncan, Roger Federer and David Beckham. Well, they're back! And the following is a parody of Favre and the Packers. Enjoy!
The BoreStars: Episode 2: Green with Envy
Flashback scene (cue voiceover guy): When we last left our BoreStars, they had just defeated the evil robot David Stern by aiming for his core. Today, they face a fiendish two-headed monster. And, an annoying new wannabe BoreStar.
Title Music (cue Voiceover guy) BOREEEEESTARSSSSS! BORESTARS!
(montage of Beckham scoring) Beck’s is hot; no, his wife is. But he scores more than you know! BOREEEEEEESTARSSSSSS!
(montage of Federer winning at Wimbledon): Federer weaves! Viewers leave! BOREEEESTARSSSSS!
(montage of Duncan’s bankshot): Duncan wins! The NBA cringes! BOREEEEESTARSSSS!
BoreStars! We put the “bore” into immeasurable boredom!
Scene one: The BoreStars are at their secret crime-fighting lair (where nobody can find them; the Memphis Grizzlies arena!) when David Beckham returns from Tom Cruise’s house to join fellow BoreStars Tim Duncan and Roger Federer.
Beckham: I’m back everybody. I promise, I’m mellower than before. How’s everybody?
Duncan: I’m O.K. That Donaghy thing has me wondering about Joe Crawford, but I’m cool otherwise.
Federer: I’m just miserable. Nadal beats my #### on clay, then he beats my #### again at my house at Wimbledon! What’s next, Nadal beats me to become a BoreStar?!?!
Duncan: Uh, Roger, don’t worry. Nadal isn’t that boring.
Beckham: Oh well. I’m feeling better. What’s on the agenda?
(Just then, the BoreStars get a message from a holographic Michael Jordan, who, after the last episode, unretired again to become the Stars’ leader.)
Jordan: I have a new assignment, BoreStars.
Duncan: What is it? Finding out why LeBron is considered a great player?
Jordan: No. I need you to go to Green Bay and find out why Packers fans have come up missing recently. Use whatever methods you need to find this out.
Beckham: It’s too cold in Green Bay! My scoring will be way down!
Duncan & Federer: Shut up, David! It’s almost August!
Jordan: Anyhow, you three had better get on your way.
Scene two: The Stars begin to pack to travel to Green Bay. Just as they leave, Brett Favre walks up to them.
Favre: Hi, BoreStars! Where are you going?
Duncan: To your old stomping grounds. What do you want, Brett. We already have to deal with Michael everyday!
Beckham: Hey, thanks for talking to me at the ESPYs. I know you had a lot of John Madden’s drool on you, but it was cool.
Favre: I’m fine, David. Tim, I was thinking about joining you as a BoreStar.
Duncan: You must be joking! You’re not retired yet, and you’re not boring, just annoying. Why would you want to become one of us?
Favre: It’s simple. I’d rather play for a winning team than the Jets or Buccaneers, if you know what I mean. And the Packers can’t keep me off this team!
Federer: Brett, you might want to retire on top of your game. Look at me; I didn’t quit when I was 24, and now I’m an old geezer in my sport. That damn Nadal!
Duncan: Anyhow, Brett, if you so desperately want to join, then you can. Get packed for Green Bay (pun intended).
Favre: Awesome! Let’s go!
Scene three: The BoreStars arrive in Green Bay. The foursome begins to investigate when, all of a sudden, they’re reduced to three.
Favre: I’m sorry, guys. I’m retiring today!
Duncan: Wtf! Why are you quitting?
Favre: I don’t feel wanted here.
Federer: See, I told you to quit early. Just like the Seattle Mariners.
Beckham: This stinks. Kwame Brown had more commitment than you have! Are you sure you want to retire?
Favre: Yes. It’s time. I’m almost positive, I think. I’m 99.9% sure today. But tomorrow could be different…
Duncan: Stop with the babble! Get the hell outta here!
(Favre leaves and calls the Vikings on his cell for comfort. The BoreStars resume their investigation.)
Scene four: The Stars’ search for the missing fans leads them to Lambeau Field. There, they are greeted by Packers’ GM Ted Thompson and QB Aaron Rodgers.
Duncan: Hey, Ted. Nice to see you. You know, after dealing with Brett, I can see why you want to dump him like my team was dumped by the Lakers.
Thompson: Yes. Aaron’s our guy, and Mike McCarthy and I are very happy (checks his phone for Bart Starr’s number).
Rodgers: I so glad to finally get my chance. And I’ll show them all that I can be as good as Favre (looks behind him to make sure Favre wasn’t behind him).
Federer: Despite the fact you haven’t played much beyond that Dallas game last year? I mean, come on, the Cowboys took you lightly, Rob Johnson.
Rodgers: My name is Aaron Rodgers. What are you saying? That I can’t cut the mustard?
Beckham: Hell yeah! My underwear has spent more time in title games than you, Aaron!
Rodgers: Oh really, Becks? When you were a great ‘footballer’, I was in high school! And look at you other guys. Tim, I’ve seen more excitement at a Tiger Woods-less golf tournament than at your games, and Federer, well, I don’t even know who you are.
Federer: Why I ought to…
Duncan: No, Roger! We’ll just look for clues elsewhere. Thanks, guys!
(Thompson and Rodgers leave. The Stars head to the Lambeau practice field.)
Scene five: The Stars reach the practice field. There, they once again run into Favre.
Favre: Guys, I’m ready to come back.
Duncan: Really, Brett? Well, we have moved on from you.
Favre: You’re telling me that I’m not welcome here.
Beckham: You’re about as welcome here as Stephen A. Smith is welcome at a library!
Federer: Or Charles Barkley is at a casino with a spending limit!
Duncan: Or me and my team are by the NBA at the Finals!
Favre: What happened? I thought we were cool.
Duncan: We need commitment, not waffling. Why do you think my team traded Luis Scola to Houston; we felt we didn’t need a distraction.
Beckham: Yeah, just ask my L.A. teammates.
Federer: Or Rafael Nadal.
Duncan: Anyhow, just stay home Brett.
(Favre leaves on his John Deere. The Stars scour the practice field, and there they find out why the fans have disappeared.)
Scene six: The Stars find out that Thompson and Rodgers had been behind the disappearance of the Packers’ fans! They had kidnapped them in hopes of brainwashing them against Favre. The Stars confront the duo.
Duncan: Alright, Ted and Aaron! Where are the Packers fans? Not even your team CEO can let you escape this!
Thompson: Well, aren’t we demanding. Those fans aren’t ready to be Packers fans, and before you get them, watch this.
(Thompson presses a button, and two fortress-like structures appear. Thompson and Rodgers jump into the machines)
Rodgers: This is incredible! We should crush these BoreStars!
Thompson: Yeah. Let’s get them!
(The BoreStars fire at the machines with all they’ve got, but with the Packer organization loaded with deflector shields, they can’t penetrate the hull. When all hope is lost, Brett Favre appears on the practice field).
Duncan: Now is not the time for another retirement, Brett!
Beckham: Yeah, can’t you stop playing, like they should for soccer games?!?
Favre: If anybody knows these guys’ weaknesses, it’s me!
(Favre attacks Rodgers’ joints, knowing that Rodgers is brittle. He takes out his leg, and Rodgers limps to the sidelines. Then, Favre grabs Thompson’s machine, and he screams something Thompson hoped to avoid)
(This causes Thompson’s machine to explode. Thompson ejects from the machine in time, and he flees, while Rodgers injures his shoulder and hip crawling to escape)
Favre: See, Timmy? I am the king of Green Bay!
Scene seven: The Packers fans are released from their imprisonment. The Stars and Favre talk about their experience.
Favre: That was the most excitement I’ve had since John Madden invited me to his hotel room two years ago! He just sat there and said “Brett Favre” 1500 times!
Duncan: Wow! I had a similar experience with Skip Bayless!
Beckham: And me with Victoria!
Duncan & Federer: Shut up, David!
Favre: Well, thanks for cheering me up and getting even with Ted and Aaron. It sure was worth it!
Federer: Yeah, I guess it was. (hopes next time’s episode involves Rafael Nadal)
Favre: I’m going back home to Kiln. Maybe, someday, I can join you guys again.
Duncan: You’re more welcome here than Chris Berman, that’s for sure!
Beckham: Take care, Brett!
Favre: Goodbye, BoreStars!
(Favre leaves. The Stars gather together.)
All three BoreStars: BOREEEEEEESTARSSSSSSSSS!
(Screen fades to black)
Voiceover: Tune in next time for another exciting episode of BoreStars!
(Brett Favre bursts through black screen)
Favre: Can I still file my BoreStars reinstatement papers?
As you can see, I skewered both the Packers and Favre. Brett has become the most annoying player in the NFL (even exceeding Chad Johnson!) because he can't decide whether to play or not. At the same time, the Packers have been iron fisted and just as annoying in their support of Rodgers. And, as a result, they plague the sports news channels.
In summation, Brett should have decided to come back earlier (or not retired), and the Packers shouldn't be so excited about Rodgers; I mentioned Rob Johnson in my piece, and it's eerily similar to Rodgers; one good game got Johnson millions he didn't earn. If the Pack noticed, the Bills bought the goods, and crumbled with him. But most of all, I just want this "stuff" off my TV screen! Give me legit sports news, not constant babble!
What do you think? Should Favre dominate the headlines? Or do you want actual sports highlights with no gossip? Let me know. Until then, may Brett Favre just go away.
Today, I was reading a blog where the debate raged about whether Donnie Walsh would take over the Knicks at the end of the season. If this is true, then it will mark the end of Isiah Thomas' days as the head of the Knicks. With that in mind, let's look at him and nine other former superstar athletes who found out just how difficult it was to run a team, either as a coach, GM or both. here's the list:
10. Wilt Chamberlain: Confused? Well, here's the story; Chamberlain, having just retired from the Lakers, was named player-coach for the San Diego Conquistadors of the ABA. The Lakers blocked him from playing, so he coached one year (30-54) before deciding to stay away from coaching. It was a mere publicity stunt, and was thankfully forgotten.
9. George Mikan: The NBA's greatest player of it's early years wasn't as successful after retiring in 1956. He coached the team for 39 games in 1957-58, losing 30 of them, as the Lakers suffered their worst season in their history (even by today's standards). He later was named commissioner of the ABA in 1967, but didn't last (although he is credited for inventing the red, white and blue ball).
8. Bill Russell: Russell, like Chamberlain, couldn't win effectively without playing himself. He had that ability when coaching Boston from 1966-69, winning two titles, but his stint in Seattle (162-166 in four seasons) and Sacramento (17-41 before resigning) say he just couldn't tolerate players not playing as if their lives depended on it. On the plus side, at least he wasn't commentating during those years!
