Everybody remembers when NBC had the cartoon known as ProStars, featuring Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and Bo Jackson. With NBC’s ratings plummeting daily, they looked to catch that same lightning in a bottle again. And, voila! They created BoreStars, a new cartoon about athletes who bore us with their mere presences. These stars were commissioned to fight for justice and the American way! The names of the stars? Soccer great David Beckham, tennis champion Roger Federer, and NBA superstar Tim Duncan! Let’s take an exclusive sneak peek into the pilot of that new show!

                Series pilot (cue old ProStars theme): Here come the BoreeeeeeeeStarsssssss!

(montage of Beckham scoring) Becks is hot, wait, no, his wife is! But he scores more than you know! BoreeeeeStarssssss!

(montage of Federer winning again at Wimbledon) Federer weaves; viewers leave! BoreeeeeStarsssss!

(montage of Duncan’s bank shot) Duncan knows how to win; too bad the NBA doesn’t want it! BoreeeeStarsssss!

BoreStars! We put the ‘bore’ into ‘Immeasurable Boredom’!

Scene one: We come across our victim of the day; the poor girl has lost her precious dog!

Federer: What’s wrong, little girl? You look more disturbed than the Atlanta Falcons’ players when Bobby Petrino quit.

Girl: I lost my dear puppy?

Beckham: Man, I can relate. Tom Cruise took my dog when Victoria and I last went to his house. Said something about religious purposes.

Duncan: Don’t worry! Getting your dog back will be as easy as it was for my team and Cleveland to make people not watch the 2007 Finals!

Girl: Thanks, BoreStars!

Scene two: The Stars begin to investigate the crime. Just then, NBA commish David Stern appears.

Duncan: What’s up, Stern? Still beaming about that Lakers/Celtics Finals, huh? (secretly wants to throw a flaming basketball at him)

Stern: Not much today. I just want to punch Donaghy right now!

Duncan: What do you want? It’s obvious you need us to do something.

Stern: Can you guys ‘take out’ Donaghy?

Federer: Are you serious? That’s like asking me to beat Nadal on clay! We can’t do that!

Beckham: Yeah. The only time I beat up anybody was when I got my half of MLS from L.A.!

Stern: O.K. Never mind. I’ll just get back to denying anything Donaghy says.

The BoreStars continue to look for the lost puppy.

Scene three: The Star return to their secret crime-fighting lair, a spot where no one will notice them; the Memphis Grizzlies’ arena!

Duncan: Do you think something was up with David? He seemed weird today, with that deer-in-the-headlights look he had when he made the Donaghy statements when it first broke.

Federer: No, he seemed O.K. I should know weird; remember that Gillette commercial I did with Tiger and that soccer guy?

(Duncan and Beckham cringe)

Beckham: How dare you talk about Thierre like that!

(Beckham tries to fight Federer, but when Federer swings, Beckham instinctively flops and looks for a red card)

Duncan: Enough already! You fight worse than I do with Joe Crawford! Let’s get back to the case.

What the Stars find shocks them (screen fades to black)

Scene four: The Stars find out that Stern was really behind the disappearing puppy! Stern recruited the Mafia members that had bribed Donaghy to kidnap the dog! The Stars confront Stern.

Duncan: Where’s the puppy, David? Don’t give me the “We’re investigating” line, either! (It’s a kids show; no expletives!)

Stern: You’ll get him back when you get past this!

(Stern reveals his true self; he morphs into a giant robot replete with rocket arms and a shield they can’t seem to penetrate. Beckham tries his freeze kicks, but like a true soccer player, he can’t score. Federer’s laser slices work about as effectively as Chad Johnson’s trade demands , too, and Duncan’s multi-powered basketballs look like Shaq’s free throws. Just then, the ghost of ProStar era Michael Jordan appears)

Duncan: What are you doing here? Don’t tell me you’re unretiring again!

Jordan’s ghost: I’m here to save you, just like Stern wants me to do for the NBA!

Beckham: What can you do for us? We need the kind of manpower that I don’t see unless there’s a soccer riot!

Federer: Yeah, what he said. I’m not used to fighting a fellow robot!

Jordan’s ghost: You’re aiming for the wrong thing.

Duncan: Where should we aim?

Jordan’s ghost: Right at his core, if you know what I mean.

Duncan: I get it now! That was so obvious, John Madden should have said it!

(Duncan huddles his team, and they do indeed aim for the core. They release Stern’s other referees, and they appear and threaten to gamble on more NBA games, stunning the commish, who seems powerless to stop them. The onslaught finally forces Stern to explode, and the Mafia willingly gives up the puppy to the Stars.

Scene five: The Stars reappear at the girls’ home.

Duncan: Here’s your puppy back, little girl. As safe and predictable as my team’s offense.

Girl: Thanks, BoreStars. I’m so happy.

Beckham: Just like I will when I return home to Victoria!

Duncan and Federer: Shut up, David!

Beckham: What can I say? I score more at home than away, you know!

(Duncan and Federer proceed to beat up Beckham. Beckham flees to Tom Cruise’s house, a place nobody dares to go into.)

Duncan: So, Roger, can you think of anybody to replace Becks?

Federer: I know! Let’s get Mike Tyson!

Duncan: He’s not that boring.

Federer: But he needs the money.

Duncan: Agreed. Let’s call him.

(Screen fades to black)

Voice over: Tune in next week for another exciting episode of BoreStars!