Some hardy souls summit Everest or run marathons. Some cure diseases, work for global peace or put out dangerous fires.

At $8 Beers we hoard free tacos.

Allow us to explain. You might recall this World Series promotion ...



Yes, thanks to Jacoby Ellsbury's pilfered base in Game 2, Americans were entitled to a free taco this past Tuesday from 2:00 to 5:00 pm. Needless to say, we were compelled by this opportunity. So compelled, in fact, that we set up a challenge for ourselves. Here it is: Can one man--your loyal and abiding $8 Beers blogger--and an unassuming Ford Focus obtain a free taco from every single Taco Bell on Chicago's North Side?

The design of the plan was simple; the execution of it was decidedly less so. We had three hours to battle Chicago traffic and make it to a total of 10 Taco Bells. It would take resolve, moxie, aggressiveness, accommodating traffic signals and the navigational skills and behind-the-wheel irrationality o####rizzled cabbie.

So come with us, won't you, on this journey into the very essence of the human will. Join us on the $8 Beers Free Taco Challenge ...

The first stop was the Taco Bell on the 2700 block of Clybourn--the one nearest our crib:

Time of arrival: 2:04 pm
Time spent in drive-through line: 4 minutes, 8 seconds.

Now here's the secret of our success:

You see, the rules clearly state that "participating Taco Bell restaurant manager reserves the right to deny Free Taco to any person he/she reasonably believes has already received a Free Taco or has engaged in any other fraudulent activity." You know how we know this is serious bidness? They capitalized "Free Taco."

Anyhow, fearful of the righteous fury of a Taco Bell manager on the lookout for a plan/fraudulent activity such as ours, we busted out the subterfuge. All tacos would be hidden in our trusty backpack, safe from the prying eyes of an employee looking to be a hero.

Next, we made a strategic decision, one that we knew might ultimately prove to be our undoing. We decided to hit the southernmost Taco Bell on the North Side (we're excluding all Loop locations because they probably don't have drive-throughs, and we'll be damned if we're going to hunt for downtown parking). It was at the corner of Ashland and Madison, and we could not have fathomed the dimensions of the tragedy that awaited us there.

We ordered our free taco, and the magic little man in the intercom box asked us if we'd like anything else. No, we said. "I'm sorry, sir," he said. "You can't get the free taco unless you make a purchase."

Legal scholars will debate this turn of events for years to come. If the little man in the box was the store manager, then was he within his rights? That is, was he employing the executive discretion hinted at in the rules above? Or perhaps because this was one of those Taco Bell-KFC hybrid restaurants, maybe that peculiar Yum Brands construct somehow exempted them from participating? Or was he merely a mid-level functionary who decided to play the loose cannon, take the law into his own hands and deprive this man and his unassuming Ford Focus of the free taco that by rights should've been his? If it's the latter, then somewhere Baby Jesus and Patrick Henry are crying.

It occurred to us to raise a mighty hue and cry over the injustice of it all, but then again the "pick your battles" axiom was probably invented with this kind of occasion in mind.

In any event, as punishment, we decided not to take a picture of their lamewad location.

So if you're in Chicago and looking for assembly-line Mexican food, don't go to the Taco Bell at the corner of Ashland and Madison. They hate freedom there. Onward ...

We shook off the frustration, zoomed past the United Center and headed back north on Damen to the veritable bounty of Taco Bells on the far North Side. The trip south cost us valuable time, and we didn't reach the next destination--way the hell west on the 6600 block of Fullerton--until more than an hour after the Challenge began:

Time of arrival: 3:14 pm
Time spent in drive-through line: 0 minutes, 27 seconds.

Hey, 27 seconds! Nice work by the pit crew, and we're off like a prom dress to ... The Taco Bell at 3509 North Harlem:

Time of arrival: 3:25 pm
Time spent in drive-through line: 0 minutes, 38 seconds.

Not all that far away is the Taco Bell on the 4800 block of Austin. Immediately, we notice that it's another Taco Bell-KFC cross-pollination thingy, so, based on unfortunate precedent, we're worried they may not "taco up" for us. But they came through:



Time of arrival: 3:41 pm
Time spent in drive-through line: 2 minutes, 13 seconds.

So there goes one theory as to why the Taco Bell at Ashland and Madison, which clearly supports the terrorists, deprived us of our taco. Grrr.

Next, we whip up to Devon and head back east through a forest preserve we had no idea existed. Devon Avenue is the home of some of the of the best Indian food you can get in the States, and we're here for a free taco. Go figure:



Time of arrival: 4:03 pm
Time spent in drive-through line: 3 minutes, 19 seconds.

At this point, we've passed the halfway mark with just less than an hour to go. We're concerned but still confident.

Confident, that is, until we consult our page of hastily scribbled addresses and realize we need to backtrack west and hit the Taco Bell at 4220 N. Cicero. Insert profanity here! The westbound traffic on Lawrence is enough to make us consider taking a hostage, and we fear at this point that we've been "taco blocked" by circumstance. Nonetheless ...

Time of arrival: 4:35 pm
Time spent in drive-through line: 2 minutes, 27 seconds.

We've frittered away more than half an hour, and we've got to head way back east. By the time we make it to the Taco Bell on Irving and California it's condition critical:

(In our haste, we forgot to take a photo of this Taco Bell. Our apologies to the freedom lovers who work there.)

Time of arrival: 4:54 pm
Time spent in drive-through line: 1 minute, 20 seconds.

Our plan had been zip into the Bell at 3143 N. Milwaukee and then conclude our quest, appropriately enough, at the Addison location just across from Wrigley Field. But the 5:00 hour had arrived, and the time for free tacos had passed. This somber occasion is no time to mince words: we failed.

So it's back home under a pall and in the company of our three new friends: regret, chagrin and squandered promise.

Still, seven tacos isn't a bad day:

Of course, we happen to be vegetarians here at $8 Beers, so we needed to do something with all of these seasoned-beef tacos. Six went to one of the friendly neighborhood homeless guys around the corner, and this one ...

went to Sandy, the Official Dog of $8 Beers:

Another satisfied customer ...

So while our efforts in the $8 Beers Free Taco Challenge ultimately came to grief, we sleep the sleep of vindicated tonight knowing we gave it everything we had. We are left with only that knowledge and a backpack that smells like tacos.

In closing, massive shout-outs to Taco Bell, MLB, Jacoby Ellsbury, the streets of Chicago and the eminently reliable line of Ford sedans.

Oh, and take that, stupid traffic on Lawrence and ####y-pants Taco Bell location on Ashland and Madison!