The sound of balls being ripped off aluminum bats or the swish of a 15 footer going in nothing but net has been replaced by the shuffling of card decks and twirling of chips.The term “check raise” has taken the place of “ghost runner.” What used to be a game of sandlot baseball or pickup basketball is now poker for this generation.My generation.
It’s pitiful...really…I mean even watching it on television is captivating.Norman Chad has become the new Jack Buck. Even those that don’t enjoy the game tune in, if for nothing else than to understand why the hell everyone else likes it so much.
One thing ESPN should do however, is televise ordinary home games.Take away the pros for once and just catch a bunch of guys sitting at a kitchen table playing a low stakes, one table tournament.
Regular people trying to imitate what they see on TV. That’s where the real characters are.
Live blogging a card game would just kill my street cred, and maybe get me beat up, so I didn’t take it that far but I came up with a list of people you need at your home game. If you can relate to any of these, you’re probably a total clown, but I’d love to laugh at you on television. If you can’t, well, you’re more respectable than I am.
Guy that wears sunglasses Man, that lamp you’re sitting next to must really be bright.I think you’re getting sunburned.Seriously, you should kill yourself if you’re wearing sunglasses. It’s not like any of the people you’re playing with want to look at your pupils to see if you’re bluffing anyway.
Guy that says all-in every hand I’m not even talking about the guy that raises all-in every hand.I mean the guy that mucks his cards and then sees the flop and says it.And he doesn’t do it once either. Like that has the slight chance of being humorous.Nope he does it every five hands until everyone wants to punch him in the face.
Guy that thinks that he’s a pro He’s probably wearing sunglasses and listening to his iPod, waiting to yell at someone for calling his raises with marginal hands.The problem with “pro guy” is that it seems like the only pro he’s trying to be is Phil Helmuth – meaning he’s just waiting to lose and cry.
Guy that legitimately needs to win the 50 dollar prize Sure he had the $10 dollar buy in, but if he loses, he isn’t going to be able to buy lunch or beer at the end of the week.That’s the closest thing you’ll see to a degenerate before it goes from amusing to downright sad.
Guy that reads poker books and refers to the pros as if he knows them. “Doyle would have played that hand, but I don’t think Chan would have.”It’s nice to see teenagers reading, but when it’s about how to gamble better, I feel like it’s not that healthy.
Guy that says his “style” is playing every hand You’ll spot this guy quick. He’ll be the first person to bust someone with his “favorite hand.”It will probably be something like 4-5, black off suit and he’ll he think, “Man I always gotta play that hand.”
Guy that say “but they were suited.” He calls raises with anything suited, or connected for that matter, and then hits. This is probably the guy who wins often, and at the same time the last guy you want to invite because he’s probably a ####.
Guy that doesn’t want to play He only plays because the rest of his friends play and probably says he doesn’t like poker because “it’s boring and he’s not patient enough.” He also spends most of the game text messaging his girl friend and is probably the only one of the group with the chance of getting laid later that night.
Tito Santana look-alike Ricardo Mayorga is threatening to pull out of his Junior Middleweight title defense against Oscar De La Hoya Saturday night citing his disappointment with only receiving $2 million for the fight when he was told that he would be getting $8 million.
Although he signed a $2 million contract, Mayorga maintains that Don King guaranteed him the extra $6 million.
"I wanted to sign a contract for $8 million. I signed one for a lesser amount to lure Oscar into the fight," Mayorga said. "I want what was initially told to me. I'm not going to fight for free. What I am being offered at this point is not what I was offered verbally, and that's what I want them to live up to.”
Naturally, King denied ever making such a promise.
Just from checking out his Wikipedia page, Mayorga doesn’t really seem like the most intelligent person in the world. He smokes two packs of cigarettes a day when he isn’t in training and has allegedly punched a woman over a debt he owed, threatened and beat up some other guy and #### another woman. There is no mention of his reading level.
I guess it’s a possibility that Mayorga didn’t realize who he was dealing with. King’s word is about as unreliable as any man in the entire world. The guy was a con man before being a promoter, which most say goes hand in hand. He is the type of person that makes promises just to break them.
It’s tough being a boxer. They have about as much influence on their life as race horses and they don’t get laid nearly as much – at least not consensually. But in this case, Mayorga is very wrong. Maybe he got scammed by the lowest of lowlifes, but that’s his or his lawyer’s fault. He signed a contract and now he needs to honor it.
Apparently, those Englishmen aren’t down with equal rights.
At a press conference today, Wimbledon announced that the men’s winner would receive 655,000 pounds while the women’s winner would receive 625,000. In US currency, that mean’s the women’s champion would receive roughly $50,000 less than Roger Federer.
Under most circumstances, I’d make the “women really need that extra cash so they can buy a few handbags to match their new Tiffany’s earrings” joke but in this case, I legitimately believe that they should collect equivalent prize money.
The television ratings are just as good, although that’s probably because of Maria Sharapova’s figure as opposed to her ability. But still, I have to assume they bring in just as much money as the men’s game.
More importantly, the field in women’s tennis is much deeper, making for more competitive tournaments. Now I watch tennis about as much as I watch paintball, but I can still say I’ve at least heard of most of the top ranked women’s players in the world where as I can name very few of the best men.
And be real. If Federer is in a tournament, the only chance he has of losing is if he’s up against Rafael Nadal. Other than that, he’s a lock to win every time. In the women’s game, you have Mauresmo, Clijsters, Sharapova, Henin-Hardenne and a handful of others that all have the potential to win.
Considering that the other Grand Slam tournaments all give out equal money, this was a bad call by Wimbledon.
The winter Olympic opening ceremonies are today and we (and by we, I mean I) couldn't be more excited. These Olympics provide people with something to watch after the Super Bowl and before March madness. Honestly, the winter games should happen every year.
The winter games are fun because they are very straightforward. For the most part, they are easy to understand and they all bring back vivid childhood memories.
For example, everyone goes skating when they are kids. You take a date there; you try to not bust your ####. It's a great time. The first time you ski is usually at young age as well. You get to the top of the hill, you cry, you fall, you break bones, you cry again. What's better than that? Then you've got sled riding. Pity those kids down south that never get to fly down hills on days school is canceled.
And that's the winter Olympics. Skate, ski, sled. It's that simple.
The only difference between Olympic competitors and children is balance. Kids have poor coordination while adults can stand up on slippery surfaces. That's all it is.
Bottom line: We can relate to these games.
It's time to watch when… Hockey is on. It's always the most entertaining sport. It's fun to watch the American media try and recreate the miracle on ice, as no one is giving Team USA a shot to win gold. Most don't think they will even medal. Without really knowing who plays for who, I'll say Canada beats Sweden for the gold and Russia takes the bronze.
Have you ever seen a once and a lifetime thing and then just waited for it to happen again? That's women's figure skating. We won't ever see that Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding saga happen again but we can still hope. It will be interesting to see if Michelle Kwan can continue her role as the Peyton Manning of ice skating.
Curling. Such a silly sport. A little shuffle board, a little bocce, a little chess and a baseball-like scoreboard. This is one of your closet watches - meaning you don't want anyone to know you actually saw it, kind of like a strongman competition.
It's time to watch re-runs of Fresh Prince and The Cosby Show when… They are showing cross country skiing. Who in the world wants to watch cross country skiing? It's like watching a person walk for an hour. Complete nonsense.
Biathlon. This is cross country skiers practicing their shooting ability. I feel like this is a forced sport. Shooting is a summer sport and skiing is a winter sport. What's the point in combining the two?
Something to root for The Jamaican bobsleigh team. Derice Bannock, Yul Brenner, Sanka Coffie, and Junior Bevil, your favorite characters from Cool Runnings, are back and are just looking to improve. Let's all hope they make it back to the beautiful islands unscathed.
On a real note, make sure you watch some of these games. The Olympics are the purest form of athletics in the world today and these people work hard for four years for this moment knowing that within two weeks, they will be forgotten.
In about a week, Scott Baird will become the oldest Winter Olympian ever, at age 54. Baird will represent Team USA at the Curling event in Torino. (Insert funny remark here.)
It’s true. This is nothing more than comic relief. It nice to see an old Olympian but the event he competes in cannot be construed as a sport. The game he plays is nothing more than a mixture of shuffleboard and bocce on ice. I can’t see where any athletic ability whatsoever comes into play during curling.
Now I know what those pro-curling people are saying and they are probably right. I have no idea what I’m talking about when it comes to curling. I’m just a spoiled American who if put on the ice, would choose hockey over being a human zamboni. The thing is; I have this silly little rule that goes as follows:
If by 20 years old, you have never played, been asked to play, or come in contact with anyone who has ever thought about playing a so-called sport, it probably isn’t a sport.
Granted, I have a few months until I reach that age, but I highly doubt that any of my old chaps are going to ask me to take part in a riveting game or curling anytime soon.
I have also always felt that if there is a debate as to whether or not something is a sport, then odds are it’s not, but there are holes in that idea. One might ask how I can consider golf or auto racing a sport, but not curling.
Well, you see there is this crazy old woman who lives down the street from me. She is probably around 85 and one of the few true bi-polar people I have ever known. One day she was hitting us with a broom, chasing us off the street. The next, she was watching me pass a baseball with the delight of a five year old. Till this day, she still calls me railroad arm. Apparently, she thinks I’m Walter Johnson.
Anyway, her claim to fame is that she is the woman who tries keep the streets clean, literally. On a daily basis, she sweeps dirt off the road as though she was cleaning her kitchen floor. She is a damn good sweeper.
I feel like while she would make a pretty decent curler because of her uncanny sweeping ability, she could not come close to hitting a five iron or drive 120 MPH trying to hit turns the right way.
Rule #2: If old crazy woman who sweeps the street can still do it, there is no way that it’s a sport.
Hey all, I just want to say thanks for reading me and I had an interesting time reading and writing many posts. I would hope that my readers don't just think that I wrote solely about wrestling, because that is completely false. I just thought it would be fun to create a tournament like this as part of my blog.
Good luck to all in the future no matter what it holds.
We go to you live from Parts Unknown for the semi-finals and finals of the “Best Gimmick Ever” tournament where we will make history by the end of the night.
Championship Final Odds from Vegas Hogan V Hogan 2-1 Savage V Hogan 4-1 Savage V Hall 8-1
As I’ve done the entire tournament, let’s get right to the action.
1. Hollywood Hogan VERSUS 6. Scott Hall A battle for supremacy of the N.W.O.This would be the perfect way to force the group to break up and I suppose it’s the only way to do it. The group split completely in half before the two went to the ring.
With mixed emotions on the outside, the fight ensued.The two quite aged wrestlers grappled around for a while, not impressing the crowd with their in-ring ability.
Both took every chance they could to cheat each other out of the match but in the end Hollywood was just too much.Hogan nailed Hall in the head with the N.W.O. branded title belt he had and pinned him for the win.
Hollywood Hogan Advances
1. Hulk Hogan VERSUS 2. Macho Man Randy Savage Well, if the two 90s’ icons did battle in our opener, what’s better than two stars from the previous decade meeting in the other match?
What a story.Two former tag team partners turned nemesis. These two actually did wrestle at Wrestlemania V in an excellent main event that I believe Hogan won, but nothing can compare to the “Best Gimmick Ever” tournament.
The two traded 80s’ style punches and Hogan even threw Savage right into famous referee Earl Hebner.Being the sneak that he always was, Savage thought about hitting Hogan with the bell he stole from the “Fink” but then had a change of heart.
He wanted to win this war fair and square.
But Hogan wouldn’t budge.He began to hulk up and soon took the upper hand.Big leg kick, body slam, leg drop and the stumbling Hebner counted to three.
Hulk Hogan Advances
Best Gimmick Ever Finals
1. Hollywood Hogan VERSUS 1. Hulk Hogan The ultimate battle of good and evil.You had to see this one coming.
Growing up, I worshipped the Hulkster.Like the Macho Man wrestling buddy I mentioned earlier in the tournament, I also had a Hogan won.He was everything any kid could want to be, minus the steroids and wearing tights.
But as I got older my interest in wrestling began falling, Hogan went heel, which was the greatest move in the history of wrestling.All of a sudden, I was swearing at my parents and breaking things.
The impact these two had on pop culture is amazing.To think, they were the same people
The match obviously wasn’t a very exciting one.The two possessed the same moves and could barely climb to the second turnbuckle without falling over so it was a slow fight.
But that aura was there.That you know something crazy is going to happen feeling was in the air.Not exactly the perfect game or walk off home run feeling, more like the I’m going to see an umpire get beat up feeling.
As he had done the whole tournament, Hollywood tried to cheat.But when he went at the red and yellow version of himself, he attempt to knock him out with a bat backfired.
Soon the Hulkster was angry and began to take over.But the deciding factor was the people on the outside.When Scott Hall, there to support Hollywood despite being #### by him jumped on the apron, Hogan tried to push him away.
Out of Hollywood’s tights came brass knuckles and #### (think old school Batman) the Hulkster was out cold.
1… awfully slow count….2…….just end the match already…….. 3.
Hollywood Hogan is the winner of the “Best Gimmick Ever” Contest.
For those who read this, I will try and post the final four and winner tonight. I didn't realize that the contest ends today.
What a tremendous way to move on with this tournament. It’s fairly ironic that Ready to Rumble, one of those movies you won’t admit to ever watching -much less enjoying- was on TBS while I wrote this.
Interesting that the four matches in this group appear to all be first time matches. That was not a set up, I swear. 1. Bret Hart VERSUS 2. Macho Man Randy Savage (with Ms Elizabeth) Two wrestling icons. I can’t think of a better match. Both had such an impact on my child hood.
I can’t lie. Bret is my favorite wrestler of all time. He showed me pink is okay for guys to like. I used to go to wrestling events at the New Haven Coliseum decked out in the pink glasses, a title belt, and a Hart t-shirt.
On the other hand, I had a Macho Man wrestling buddy that I even used to let beat me sometimes, simply out of respect.
To decide this match, I had to go to the wrestling figures.
I rounded up the boys that were locked somewhere in my closet and threw them all in the fake ring that I got when I was seven. I decided that I would flip the ring over, like I used to do with pretend Royal Rumbles, and the one who stayed in would be the winner.
Sadly, regrettably, terribly, much to my dismay, three were left. This isn’t going where you think it is. Two were the Bushwhackers because there arms always caught on to the ropes. The other was the Macho Man.
We’ll say that Savage pinned Bret, and the two shook hands afterwards because the match was just that good.
Macho Man Advances
1. Hulk Hogan VERSUS 3. Mr. Perfect Hogan and Perfect traded leverage throughout this match. Hogan was on a rush from having a weak road to get in to this tournament, and was facing his first real challenge in the tournament.
Perfect was overmatched in most categories, most namely size and popularity, but as I mentioned early on, it’s hard not to like Mr. Perfect when you think about those ridiculous commercials he used to have.
Being perfect just wasn’t enough in this one however. In the end, Hogan was just too strong to lose.
Besides, what’s a tournament without Hulkamania at least in the final four?
Hogan Advances
1. Shawn Michaels VERSUS 6. Scott Hall So my favorite wrestler lost and now I get a chance to play Vince McMahon.
Shawn thought he was going to win this match. Hall may have had the N.W.O. in his corner but they were all friends with Michaels as well.
Or so we thought.
Through orders of me, the group attacked Michaels, beating him to oblivion. Somehow through all of this, the referee was knocked out and didn’t know what was going on.
Hall pinned Michael’s for the upset.
Scott Hall Advances
1. Hollywood Hogan VERSUS 6. The Berzerker Pick your sides. Two N.W.O. originals will go at it in the final four.
The Berzerker was a relative unknown. In fact it came to my attention just recently that I was spelling his name wrong the whole tournament.
The great story had to come to an end sometime.
Hogan didn’t even need to cheat to win this one as he pounded the mountain man.
The tension is beginning to build now. After this posting, only eight competitors in the “Best Gimmick Ever” contest will be left. We have some fantastic matches set up the rest of the way, so let’s get right to it.
In Bracket A, the final will be top seeded Hulk Hogan facing third seeded Mr. Perfect for the right to go to the final four.
Hogan defeated his best friend, Brutus “the barber” Beefcake in an interesting match. The two clearly had a mutual respect for each other at the start, but that quickly changed. Jimmy Hart was in the corner of Brutus and despite being fond of Hogan, knocked him over the head with his megaphone.
Hogan managed to just keep his arm up when he was in barber’s sleeper hold and began to hulk up. Before long, Hogan hit Brutus with a big drop kick and pinned him to advance.
Sting became the third number two seed to be eliminated in the tournament after Perfect handled him with relative ease.
The Bracket B final will be one for the ages.
Bret “the hitman” Hart defeated Razor Ramon after being punished throughout the match. The excellence of execution was not superior in this one, but a small package rollup won the match for him.
Macho Man Randy Savage eliminated the Million Dollar Man to set up the all time battle with Hart.
Savage refused to throw the match after being offered money by Dibiase and survived despite being heckled throughout the match by Virgil. Before long, Macho Man hit his patented flying elbow and pinned Dibiase for the win.
Having already eliminated his buddy Kevin Nash, top seeded Shawn Michaels will now get a chance to end the run of the other outsider, Scott Hall.
Michaels ended any chance of an upset by Smash from Demolition with a super kick to the face.
The Rock was not as lucky.
Hall used every dirty trick in the book and in the end, it was too much for the fan favorite.
The N.W.O. was in the ring celebrating but not for long. Their leader, Hollywood Hogan still had a match.
Hogan didn’t need any help in knocking out Crush to further the notion that he might face his original gimmick in the finals.
Hollywood will face the story of the tournament, The Berserker. The Berserker continued his over the top dominance of the competition by eliminating Mick Foley via his trademark, the count out.
The Round of Eight 1. Hulk Hogan V 3. Mr. Perfect 1. Bret Hart V 2. Macho Man 1. Shawn Michaels V 6. Scott Hall 1. Hollywood Hogan V 6. The Berserker
The tournament should move much quicker after today as the first round has been pretty long and grueling.
By my mistake, this is clearly the weakest bracket. But let’s go to ringside anyway…
1. Hollywood Hogan VERSUS 16. Brooklyn Brawler If you’re wondering why Hogan is a one seed twice, it’s because he probably has had the biggest impact on the fans of any wrestler. I mean here’s someone I worshipped because he was such a good guy and then as soon as I hit my rebellious stage, so did he! Good times.
The Brooklyn Brawler defined your typical Yankee fan, sauce stains on the #### and all. He had a great gimmick but this match was over quick.
Hogan Advances
8. Hardcore Holly VERSUS 9. IRS Another “get up and stretch” match. IRS had a pretty cool gimmick but he used that briefcase far too much. After realizing he couldn’t beat Holly by outwrestling him, IRS hit Holly over the head.
The referee happened to see this and disqualified IRS.
Holly Advances
5. Crush VERSUS 12. Dean Douglas This is the “Demolition” version of Crush facing the former school teacher gimmick. Douglas wrestled when the WWF began really losing the ratings wars with WCW and so anything he did was really irrelevant.
Crush has Mr. Fuji in his corner which helps. Plus he is much scarier. Crush wins this one easily.
Crush Advances
4. Earthquake VERSUS 13. Dustin Rhodes This match is pretty obvious. One half of the Natural Disasters facing a guy who could never get it right. Earthquake used to jump up and down in the ring and sit on people. Dustin played a guy who wore lipstick in his other gimmick.
Rhodes just couldn’t handle the bigger strong Earthquake.
Earthquake Advances
6. The Berserker VERSUS 11. Jacque Rougeau If I were just basing this tournament solely on character and not taking what he did in wrestling into account, The Berserker would win. He was a mix between Brendan Fraser’s character in “Encino Man” and Fred Flintstone.
Rougeau was just a tag team wrestler that would get better when he was by himself as “The Mountie.”
Berserker throws Rougeau over the top rope and Rougeau is counted out.
Berserker Advances
3. Typhoon VERSUS 14. Blue Blazer The Natural Disasters move to 2-0 in the tournament thus far. Facing one of wrestling’s favorite jobbers, Typhoon throws around the Blazer and the match ends quickly.
Typhoon Advances 7. Godfather VERSUS 10. Big Bossman The jail guard from Cobb County, Georgia facing a pimp. Come on now, the cop always wins this battle.
Bossman needed to cheat a little however, hitting the Godfather in the head with his baton. The Godfather was knocked unconscious and the Bossman pinned him.
Bossman Advances
2. Mick Foley VERSUS 15. Rick Martel Remember the year that Iowa State was a seeded a little too high and lost to the fifteenth seeded Hampton.
That’s Mick Foley…. Kind of.
Foley is definitely seeded too high but even a perfume spraying in the face could help the model win this match.
Moving right along. We are now into the third bracket of the first round.
By tomorrow, we will have completed the first round and move right into the second phase. After that, the tournament should move quickly, ending just after Christmas.
1. Shawn Michaels VERSUS 16. John Nord The Heartbreak Kid gets the easiest opponent of all first round matches facing a guy I never saw wrestle. (Nord had to be picked because his other character, The Berserker, is just too good to pass up.)
Considering that there might be five people in history that saw Nord fight, we’ll assume that Michaels coasts to victory.
Michaels Advances
8. Big Show VERSUS 9. Kevin Nash Two big men who will pose a major challenge in round two.
The Big Show’s character is poorly used in the WWE so he is undervalued while Nash was one of the best wrestlers in the WCW/NOW.
Nash takes the battle of the big men because of outside interference from the NWO. We’ll say the Big Show takes a spray paint can to the face. Nash pins him for the victory.
Nash Advances
5. Triple H VERSUS 12. Sting (Black & White) A huge turn of events in that match!
After Sting hits HHH with his bat when the referee isn’t looking, the match looks over. But miraculously, HHH kicks out of the pin.
The two wrestle for a little while and soon, HHH has control of the bout. However, he goes under the ring to grab his sledgehammer and tries to attack Sting. Sting grabs his bat and proceeds to go out HHH.
Realizing he has lost total control, the referee stops the match, disqualifying both competitors.
No One Advances
4. Sid Vicious VERSUS 13. Smash I would assume that Vicious would be an overwhelming favorite in this one but Smash had a secret weapon in manager Mr. Fuji.
Vicious dominates the entire match, seemingly throwing Smash around at will. Right as Sid is about to execute the power bomb, Fuji leaves his cane in the corner and jumps on the mat and begins to distract the referee.
Sid decides to go after the manager and Smash picks up the cane and whacks in his opponent in the head. Smash pulls the upset.
Smash Advances
6. Scott Hall VERSUS 11. Kane Another really nice first round match up.
Hall and Kane take it to each other from the beginning. Hall takes the match after pull a low blow on Kane. Hall uses the Razor’s Edge and takes the match.
Hall Advances
3. Mankind VERSUS 14. 123 Kid In my opinion, this is the biggest upset of the whole tournament. Just the way he debuted in the WWF, the kid pulls a small package and rolls up the deranged one for a stunning victory.
123 Kid Advances
7. Lex Luger VERSUS 10. Crush (Hawaiian) One of those boring matches. This is a WCW Lex Luger who always battled injuries against the less-cool version of crush.
Crush wins the match after Luger taps out from his full-nelson type finishing move.
Crush Advances
2. The Rock VERSUS 15. Curt Hennig As you would expect, Hennig is no match for The Rock.
We move right into the second bracket with eight matches on the card today. 1. Bret “the hit man” Hart VERSUS Vincent (NWO) Sadly, Vincent/Virgil becomes the first to have both of his gimmicks eliminated. Even worse, both were measly 16 seeds.
The excellence of execution handled Vincent the way a one seed should, with easy. Bret Quickly applied the sharpshooter and Vince tapped out.
Bret Hart Advances
8. Rocky Miavia VERSUS 9. Bob “sparkplug” Holly Two very mediocre gimmicks. Rocky was in his pre-eyebrow raise days and was actually hated by the crowed. (Think “Die Rocky Die”)
The sparkplug was pretty bad himself but considering he was man enough to pretend to a race car driving wrestler, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
In one of those matches that you head to the refreshment stands during, Holly hits Miavia with whatever his finishing move was, probably a drop kick and pins him for the victory. Bob Holly Advances
5. Papa Shango VERSUS 12. Doink Say what you want about Papa Shango being a five seed, but the man made Ultimate Warrior throw up green slime. He carried a skull with him. He haunted my dreams for a solid year and that isn’t a lie.
What can you say about Doink? Not much of a wrestler but a great character, especially when he was evil Doink.
The voodoo was too much for the clown in this one and Papa Shango moves on.
Papa Shango Advances
4. Razor Ramon VERSUS 13. Golddust The “Bad Guy” makes his return in this one facing the strange Golddust character. I was never sure of whether he was supposed to some type of #### wrestler or if he just enjoyed wearing lipstick.
Ramon could have wrestled with the toothpick in his mouth but instead tossed it at Golddust before the match began.
Quickly, Ramon hits the Razor’s Edge and pins Goldust using his feet, the ultimate sign of embarrassment.
Razor Ramon Advances
6. The Giant (WCW) VERSUS 11. Rikishi The first strange twist of the entire tournament. With the Million Dollar Man watching with an intent eye, the two big men looked more like heavy weight boxers than wrestlers the way they held each other the entire match.
At the nine minute mark, Howard Finkel announced there was just one minute remaining but neither wrestler showed any sense of urgency.
Turns out, Ted Dibiase paid off each wrestler to take the count out and there was no winner.
Double Count out, No one Advances
3. Million Dollar Man VERSUS 14. Zodiac Everybody has a price.
What a break for Ted Dibiase. As an overwhelming favorite to win the match, he could advance right into the sweet 16.
That’s exactly what happened as the Million Dollar Man defeated Brutus “the barber” Beefcake’s other gimmick
Million Dollar Man Advances 7. The Mountie VERSUS 10. Mable Two of my all time favorite characters. The Canadian with a taser and the big purple giant who was one half of M.O.M.
The Mountie tried his little tricks but Mable was far too big and the match was soon over.
Mable Advances
2. Macho Man VERSUS Koko B. Ware Koko’s bird couldn’t help him in this one.
In the final match of the second bracket, the WWF version of the Macho Man rolls to Victory.
Yes, Miss Elizabeth is in his corner. Macho Man Advances.
That completes the first two regions of this winner take all “Best Gimmick Ever” Tournament.
Here is how each of the first two brackets have played out.
And we’re back with a full slate of matches on the card. (Working on my wrestling lingo.)
I’m getting great feedback on this whole idea.It appears more people care about wrestling than I actually thought.I even received hate mail for letting Diesel lose to The RepoMan.
But enough of that, lets get right in to the action.
6. Sid Justice (WWF) VERSUS 11. Issac Yankem DDS.
Talk about a classic way to kick the day off.Here we have Justice, a guy who played Shawn Michaels bodyguard and then turned on him, facing Yankem, a great character who may or may not have ever won a single match under this alias.
Yankem had Jerry “the king” Lawler in his corner while Justice was by himself.
In this match, we’ll say Justice is in his early indestructible form and tears into the dentist.
Kick to the stomach followed by a hard power bomb and the match is over.
Justice Advances
3. Mr. Perfect VERSUS 14. Fatu the Headshrinker
Mr. Perfect can honestly win this whole tournament.Does anyone remember those commercials?Full court shots, hole in ones, 100 yard passes, what a gimmick!
Fatu on the other hand, was more of a tag team wrestler and that hurt him in this one.
Perfect entered the ring, spit his gum out and smacked it right in the Headshrinker’s face, blinding him for a second.
Before you know it, the perfect plex is performed and the dream is over for Fatu.
Mr. Perfect Advances
7. Randy Savage (WCW) VERSUS 10. The Narcissist Lex Luger
This is a later, non-colorful version of Savage.The WWF version will be a much a high seed.
The Narcissist had that steal plate in his forearm that used to knock every wrestler out.
We’ll say that streak continues here as a younger, stronger Luger handles Savage easilyl
The Narcissist Advances
2. “Surfer” Sting VERSUS 15. “Rocker” Shawn Michaels
This is the more colorful version of Sting going head to head with the less colorful Michaels.
Michaels carried his tag team before turning his back on Marty Janety.
Without the “super kick” as one of his moves, Shawn is very basic while Sting is flying all over the squared circle.
The “Sharpshooter,” or “Scorpion Death lock” is applied and Michaels taps out.He’ll be back though.
Sting Advances
That marks the end of the first bracket. Early analysis shows that Hogan will be pretty tough to beat, considering he is the ultimate wrestling icon.You have to love that the RepoMan advances.If there was ever such thing as a mid-major wrestler, he was the guy.
Check back tomorrow for the complete rundown of Brackett B.
Welcome to the first day of the “Best Gimmick Ever” fantasy wrestling tournament.I will try and do the first round by the middle of next week, going over several matches during each posting.
Rules… Things you should know… Other randomness
There will be 32 wrestlers under two different gimmicks. Two completely different names are not necessary.Example:The Sting from early WCW and the black & white Sting are eligible.The Ultimate Warrior would be an example of someone who is ineligible.
For the sake of time, we will pretend that the first round has ten minute time limits.Of course, that means you should expect time to expire on at least one of these matches.
None of the same wrestler will be in any one bracket.The only possible way for the same characters to face off would be in the final four or championship.
Expect more rules to be created as we move through the tournament.It’s always fun to throw twists at the audience.
The crowd exploded as “I Am a Real American” came over the sound system.As the late #### Monsoon would say, Hogan has to be the odds on favorite to win the whole thing, which is why he is the number one overall seed.
Virgil, who was Ted Dibiase’s bodyguard in the nineties, was already in the ring as any jobber would be.My guess would be that he won less than ten times in his entire WWF career.
That trend continued.
Hogan finished off Virgil without ever breaking a sweat.He didn’t even have to hulk up.In fact, the bandana never even came off.Clothesline, body slam, leg drop, 1, 2, 3.::Bell Rings::
Hogan advances.
8. Hunter Hearst Helmsley VERSUS 9. Ted Dibiase (NWO)
This isn’t a very exciting 8 vs. 9.Helmsley is in pre-steroid body facing an over the hill Dibiase.
Neither of the two have any chance to defeat Hogan in round two but I’ll take the first appearance of an NWO member to defeat the preppy from Greenwich.
Not much to say about this one. Expect each characters’ other gimmick to perform much better.
Dibiase rolls up Helmsley, pull the tights, wins the match.
Dibiase advances
5. Diesel VERSUS 12. The RepoMan
Watch out for the 12 seeds.
Before the match, Howard Finkel has an announcement.“Ladies and gentlemen, there has been a number of automobiles broken into in the parking lot.”
Enter RepoMan.
The car thief from the motor city, a perennial jobber, surprises Diesel in this one.When referee Earl Hebner isn’t looking, Repo takes a crowbar to the big guy, knocking him out cold.
RepoMan advances
4. Brutus “the barber” Beefcake VERSUS 13. Syxx
The second NWO member in the tournament doesn’t fare nearly as well as the first.Beefcake, who is a fan favorite, locks in a sleeper hold on the greasy looking Syxx.
Back to the porn career for Syxx.
Jim Ross points out that we could be looking at a sweet 16 match up of Brutus and the Hulkster, two best friends.
Brutus advances
Check back tomorrow for more of the “Best Gimmick Ever” contest.
Dan McGowan - Age 19 - I love writing, baseball and basketball. Baseball is easily my favorite sport. I'm a Red Sox, Knicks, Giants, and Flames fan. I'm most passionate about UConn basketball however, as they are the only team that I can be really annoying over. Yes, I'm that guy. You know, the guy who picks them to win the national title every single year no matter what. Needless to say, I have won two tourney pools in my lifetime! www.danstake. com
