At first glance, this may not seem to be about sports, so I'm recommending you skip past the first glance and move right to the second.
On any website where people interact, you'll find great people who have a lot of fun talking about the topic(s) of that site, and you'll also inevitably find some not so great people who take great delight in causing trouble. These people are often referred to as "trolls", presumably because they live under bridges and have really bad breath.
It's very easy to be one of the great people who always plays nice, but it takes a lot of talent to be a true troublemaker, so I'm here with your handy dandy guide to being the best internet troll you can be, which is entitled, "Your Handy Dandy Guide To Being The Best Internet Troll You Can Be". Let's get started, shall we?
First, you'll need a computer and an internet connection. Since you're reading this, it will be easy for you to Google these terms to see where you can find computers and internet connections near you.
Next, you need an agenda. You can be a general troll, meaning that you'll criticize people for pretty much anything they say, or you can be a specific troll, meaning you'll only go after people who say things about your favorite team or your favorite driver or your favorite serial killer, etc.
No matter which route you choose above, there are some very important components to being a great troll and you must embody them all if you want to be truly effective.
It's very important to be a poor speller. I can't stress this one enough. It's against the troll code of conduct to spell words correctly, so proper spelling will give you away as a wannabe very quickly.
You must be creative with profanity. It's not enough to use profanity, you need to be able to use it in new and exciting ways. Sure, you might get a reaction if you call someone a mother somethingorother, but you'll get a much stronger reaction if you specify just whose mother that person has been somethingorothering.
TYPE IN ALL CAPS. I DON'T THINK I NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS ONE, DO I?
Accuse the other person of being ####. When you get into a war of words with someone, odds are they will win it. Why do I say that? Because most trolls are mental midgets and you're a troll, right? So, you'll need a back up plan for when you lose an argument, and few things will do more damage than accusing a complete stranger of being ####. Of course the other person will be humiliated that you've somehow deduced the sexual orientation he's kept hidden from family and friends for all these years and he'll likely be so ashamed that he'll never show his face on the site again. Or maybe not, but it's free to try, right?
Don't let facts get in the way o####ood opinion. This is a biggie for a good troll. Go right ahead and state whatever is on your mind and when confronted with evidence to the contrary, stand your ground. Question the other person's sources, as in, "Elias WHO?", and when the source can't be questioned, question the context, as in, "sure, but does it list how often he scratches himself after all base hits, or just home runs?"
When in doubt, threaten physical violence. This one will really show them. Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of others like being threatened by some faceless name on a computer screen. Sure, you're a scrawny, 120 pound geek sitting in front of his computer wearing three day old underwear, but tell someone you're going to kick his butt and everyone will think you're 7 foot tall and bullet proof. All the other people on the site will instantly become afraid of you and no one will ever dare disagree with you again.
Your head must be up your rear end. This is not negotiable, all trolls have their heads up there, without exception.
These are the most important components of being a great internet troll, but explore a little and see how many new ideas you can come up with. You're only limited by your imagination, profanity filters and, in certain cases, law enforcement agencies, so have at it.
If you're looking for real world examples, odds are that a few will show up in the comments section below this post.
Oh my gosh Dan. That is truly creative genius hilarity. So, they put you on the front page and you are now inspired to show off your great talents? LOL that is so "troll" sounding. But, you know I really love it! Go Smoke.
Oh, and by the way, I thought the song goes "10 feet tall and bullet proof?"
Ciao!
Last edited by HotfootLori on October 25th at 10:52 PM.
Let's see... Someone who types in all caps, has no regard for facts, has head up #### and Sanjaya like writing ability. That's not the definition of a troll. That's a finalist in the FoxSports/Miller Lite Next Great Sportswriter contest.
Great and very funny breakdown of trolldom, Dan.
So, let's get to the truth here. What was the trollish behavior that put you on troll tilt?
Last edited by ccr1d3r on October 26th at 4:35 AM.
I feel I'm being pigeon holed by your blog. However since I don't use all CAPS I WOULD GUESS YOU AREN'T SINGLING ME OUT.
SORRY CAN'T TYPE MORE GOTTA GET BACK TO THE BRIDGE!
WHAT'S A GOOGLE?
Fantastic! Yesterday was feed the trolls day. You must have experienced one yourself?.
You did forget one sidenote:
While spelling poorly and using atrocious syntax, you should point out any and all spelling or grammar errors by the people you are attacking.
And remember to use Big words incorrectly when ever possible.
OMG THIS IS THE ####EST BLOG IVE EVR SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFFE!!!!@!!111!!!!!111111 NOBODY LIKES UR WRITING BCUZ YUR A COMPLETE ####!!!!111!!!11 IF U DONT DELETRE THIS BLOG AND ALL YOU OTRHE #### BLOGS I WILL PERSONALY WHUP YUR ####!!!!! YUR MOMMAAS UGLIER THEN YOUR FAV DRIVURS DAWGG!!!!!!!!@!!!!!
Hey, I think I've got it. Now I can begin that internet troll career I've dreamed of since childhood. Thanks man.
DW- you forgot the rule "Never Troll Alone" - always have back up so you can gang up and throw insults back and forth between yourselves and sound even more 3rd grade.
At first glance it was funny.
At second glance it hit home (not me, but realizing how much I have to wade through to get to a real post).
I have fallen victim to these trolls when they get me to go down to their level and respond to their ####.
It just fuels their fire. Sometimes its hard to not reply to their comments, but I am getting better.
For a great example, check out the ASU football page. Its one thing to insult the team when you are a rival, but to insult the other people posting is another.
Last edited by OurCoedsAreHotterASU on October 26th at 2:37 PM.
This is great. I am not a troll, but sometimes I fall victim to getting into arguments with them. I am ashamed of myself when I do that. You make me want to sit up straight and pay attention! If I have offended anyone lately, please accept my apology. YOUR ALL SKUM! LOL
CCR: I didn't keep up with the contest, so I'll just take your word for it.
Thanks for the props. It wasn't any one single thing that led me to write that, although a horrible diatribe I saw directed at volfan69 would have been enough inspiration. It's been mostly deleted, but trust me when I say that it was beyond disgusting.
Photogr: I've spoken with you enough times to know that you're too smart to be a true troll but with some practice, you might qualify as a pseudo troll. I'll explain what that is just as soon as I make up a definition.
LMAO. Great post Dan. Now if Fox would link this to the main site instead of the daily employee bash session, we could see what the "trolls" think about being Trolled Out.
ian2813... Wow you are pretty good at it..
Maybe you should be a trash talking tongue twisting troll trainer.
Texascudaguy: Thank you, sir! I told Lori on our NASCAR forum that I doubt any trolls will actually comment on this one, but then again, ya never know.
