Heading to your first NASCAR race? Here’s how to fit in like you’ve been attending races for years.

Tailgating:

Wear a t-shirt depicting your favorite driver and a pair of jeans with no belt. This way, anytime you bend over, you’ll present a nice vertical smile to those behind you.

If it’s a day race, try to get to the track and start drinking beer at around 8:00 in the morning. If it’s a night race, wait until 8:15.

Laugh yourself silly when your buddy, the grill master, singes off his eyebrows after using too much starter fluid.

Hit the souvenir trailers and spend $200 on $50 worth of stuff.

Have a friend snap a pic of you standing next to your favorite driver’s souvenir trailer.

Socialize with the fans tailgating near you, they might give you free beer.

#### the stereo up! Freebird MUST be played at least once every fifteen minutes.

Never mind the portable bathrooms, pee next to the car with the door open for “privacy”.

If it’s a jacked up truck you’re peeing next to, and you’re not a tall guy, the open door trick isn’t going to help much.

Do NOT sit in your car while those around you are tailgating.

Once inside the track:

For the love of everything holy, guys should NOT wear a fanny pack into the track. (Or anywhere else, for that matter.)

Do NOT wait until your bladder is completely full before heading to the bathrooms – this will become very uncomfortable and potentially very embarrassing while waiting in line to get in there.

You will be peeing into a trough; I hope you don’t have privacy issues.

STAND UP for all restarts and really, stand during the whole race. It’s okay to sit down if the caution flag is waving or you’re getting another beer from the cooler.

If your seats are close to the track, hang on to your hat while the cars pass by or it will blow off your head and hit a fat guy ten rows back.

The fat guy will be ticked if the hat lands in his nachos.

Mid-race, with a good beer buzz going:

It’s hot out – take off your shirt so everyone around you can see how much back hair you have. (Bonus points if you’ve had your favorite driver’s number shaved into your back hair.)

The hot girl in the bikini top and cutoffs does NOT find you attractive, and no amount of yelling, “HEY, BABY!”,  or offering her strands of beads is going to change that.

It’s okay to strike up a little friendly banter with the guy sitting next to you, and it’s fine to give him a hard time about his favorite driver (this is a tradition among race fans, after all), but don’t try to drink some of his beer just because your supply is running low.

Time to hit the trough? Three words:  NO EYE CONTACT!

When heading back to your seat, watch your step.*

*After disregarding the previous sentence, apologize profusely to the guy you landed on.

Back at your seat, ask your buddy who is leading. He won’t be able to answer, he’ll be too busy offering the hot girl in the bikini top and cutoffs some beads.

You’ll notice that the ice in your cooler has melted and your beer is getting warm. Chug the rest of the beer so it doesn’t go to waste.

Continue watching the race, whooping and yelling when the rest of the crowd does so, even though your eyes are now crossed and all you can make out on the track is a huge blur of color.

Post race, very drunk:

Continue cheering until you notice that all the seats around you have been vacated. Yes, the race is over and you’ve been rooting for the traffic pulling out of the infield.

On the way back to the car, you’re drunk and leaning to the right. Your buddy is drunk and leaning to the left. Lean against one another and you’ll be able to stay upright.

Back in the parking lot, it’s time for some more tailgating with your group.

Drink more beer, eat some brats, listen to Freebird over and over again. Hoot at the women flashing everyone, never noticing that they all weigh two hundred pounds.

Have fun, just relaxing and enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of the track - there’s nothing like them and you’ll never forget them.

Take pics with the people tailgating next to you, exchange phone numbers which you’ll lose and tell them they’re the greatest group of people you’ve ever met. You’ll honestly mean that, drunk or not.

Time to leave:

As everyone begins to climb into their cars to head to wherever they’re staying, say goodbye to the people who’ve been tailgating next to you all day and promise them you’ll be in touch

No, no, no. Let the sober guy in your group drive. Yes, we know you’re “totally fine”  to drive, but this guy stayed sober all day long just to drive for your group, so give him his glory.

On the way out of the track, just before your eyes close and you fall asleep ask, “Hey guys? Who won?”

The rest of the group will laugh at your question but no one will answer, because none of them know who won, either.

Well, one guy – the sober guy – knows who won, but he’ll lie when he answers you.

How do I know he’ll do that? I AM the sober guy.

One of the races I’ve attended was the Winston 500 at Talladega Superspeedway in October, 2000; I went with a group of Dale Earnhardt fans and Dale won the race in spectacular fashion. (It was also Dale’s last win ever.)

For two days, all the diehard Earnhardt fans in my group thought Jeff Gordon had won that race and some still haven’t forgiven me for it.

Hey, the sober guy has to have fun, too.

Dan Williams