Inside the emergency room at St. Tagliabue Hospital, a doctor and nurse confer on which patients are in need of immediate and critical care...
Doctor: Give me the rundown, Nurse.
Nurse: Well, sir, there are seven men out there and, ironically, they all represent National Football League teams.
Doctor: It's not someone from the Jets is it? I told Herman Edwards they'd be okay next year, when all those unlucky injuries healed.
Nurse: No sir, no one from New York.
Doctor: Let me guess. It's the Niners and Texans.
Nurse: No, sir, actually those patients have already expired. The cases facing us today are surprising, because no one expected them to be suffering this badly.
Doctor: Okay, what do we have?
Nurse: Well, there's a large fella out there by the name of Andy Reid. He's complaining of severe chest pains. His Eagles were in the Super Bowl last year. Now they're full of injuries, backbiting, and controversy and their vital signs read 6-9.
Doctor: That IS a serious case. I had no idea they'd be this bad off this quickly. Okay, what else do we have?
Nurse: A man with a paper bag over his head limped in. He appears to be suffering from multiple stabbings. One of the wounds still has a knife in it with a note attached reading "Matt Millen Sucks."
Doctor: Ah yes, the Detroit Lions. That is a sad case. But they've have so many chances to get healthy over the past few years and they really haven't made any progress. I told Mr. Millen he really needs to find another line of work to relieve his stress. Next?
Nurse: Brett Favre. Very cute! But quite ####ed up physically and psychologically.
Doctor: Oh, his problem is easy to solve. It's going to be a while before his Green Bay Packers' team will live up to his expectations. By that time, he'll be too old. Tell Mr. Favre he should either retire or try another team. And also remind him to take solace in the fact that, unlike Dan Marino, at least he's won a Super Bowl.
Nurse: But, he's wearing green and gold Packers underwear, sir.
Doctor: Nevermind, he may be a lost cause. Remember the rule of triage, Nurse. We treat the most serious cases first. Who else is out there?
Nurse: There's a...Mike Martz. Frankly seems a little demented, if you ask me. He's been yelling at the top of his lungs, "I'm still in charge!" I think he needs a sedative.
Doctor: He needs more than that. Perfect candidate for euthanasia, actually. If only Dr. Kevorkian were still on staff here, I'd have him take care Mr. Martz. The Rams are talented and would be a lot better off without him. Anyone else?
Nurse: There's a man with one of those awful porno moustaches.
Doctor: Jeff Fisher?
Nurse: Yes, that's him! How did you know?
Doctor: Bill Cowher is far too healthy to be here. And the only other guy it could have been, Dave Wannstedt, is now coaching in college. Although, HE could be in here before long, too. What's Fisher's problem?
Nurse: He's just out there sobbing and saying "4 and 11" over and over.
Doctor: He'll be okay. Tell him to go home and have some of that Tennessee Whiskey. You could really see it coming for his Titans, so I don't think their situation is nearly as critical as the Eagles, Rams, or Lions, who all should have been a LOT healthier. Is that all?
Nurse: No, there's also a man attached to his laptop.
Doctor: Brian Billick! Take that damned computer away from and tell him to get back to basics.
Nurse: No, I mean he's literally ATTACHED to it. Wires coming out of his head and running into the mother board. It's like something out of a Dean Koontz book. Very scary!
Doctor: His situation is worse than I'd thought. I warned him about this. All right, is there anyone else?
Nurse: Just one more, Doctor. A very old man, with long hair and sunglasses, dressed in silver and black.
Doctor: Not again! I'm surprised he still has control of basic bodily functions. He really needs to be in a home. Nurse, write out the following prescription: "Just quit, baby." I'll sign it and we'll send Mr. Davis on his way.
Nurse: So, who do we treat first, Doctor? I'm confused. Who's in need of the most immediate and critical care.
Doctor: Well, it's a toss-up. I say it's between the Lions, Eagles, and Rams. These teams can be saved with the proper treatment, but only if we act right away. By the way, you didn't see anyone out there from the Cleveland Browns, did you?
There are a lot of burning questions in sports. Where will T.O. play next year? How stupid does Larry Brown feel for leaving the Pistons and joining the Knicks? Will some baseball team allow Raffy Palmeiro to get hot again?
But the biggest issue facing us today: What's the best logo in sports? Before revealing it at the bottom of the page, here are the four basic criteria.
Creativity
There's something to be said for the tradition of old-school images like the Yankees' or Bears' or Red Wings' logos. All of which should never change.
But some teams have absolutely zero imagination. What kind of crazy outside-the-box brainstorming led to some of these other lame logos? The Colorado Rockies, for instance. Okay, what do we got...uh...Bill? How about...an interlocking C and R? You know, a "C" for Colorado and an "R" for Rockies. Brilliant!
And the Milwaukee Brewers! What a gorgeous "M" they have. Jeff Cirillo must be so proud to put that on. The Brewers actually used to have one of the most creative logos in sports history--a lower-case "m" and "b" in the shape of a baseball mitt, with a ball in the pocket. Unfortunately, the only evidence I could find of that retro logo (modeled fabulously all those years by Gorman Thomas and Robin Yount) is on this swishy cap (not that there's anything wrong with that):
Recognizability
Could a non-fan identify the sport represented on the logo? I love the Arizona Diamondbacks logo, with the "A" and the snake head poking through the bottom of image, but there's no reference to baseball. Maybe that's why Randy Johnson left.
Geographic Relevance
Is the city, state, or region of the team incorporated into the image? Like the New Jersey Devils' great logo. Only problem with their devilishly clever logo, just like the D-backs, there's no reference to the sport.
Hip Factor
Is the logo cool enough to wear while you're golfing (like my Houston Texans cap)? After all, guys past the age of 30 shouldn't sport certain logos as a fashion statement. There's nothing more pathetic than some guy with a beer gut wearing a garnet and gold Niners jacket to the grocery store or a Celtics t-shirt on a date. Ooooh, she says, That clover leaf is so sexy! I have to have you NOW!!!
The logos above are the best in major league sports, because they feature the best mix of the most desirable qualities. But the #1 logo in all of sports belongs to...
The Albuquerque Isotopes. Minor league affiliate of the Florida Marlins. Simple, creative and effective design. (Just like Jimmy Neutron, says my stepdaughter.) But those 'Topes won't get to wear it for long. They'll soon be joining manager Joe Girardi in South Beach. And then they'll be traded. Just as soon as the Marlins are ready for another World Series run.
A goalie who's suffered major head trauma, both on the field, and off, thanks to a careless moment by my mom in a '61 VW Beetle. But, unfortunately for you, I still have the use of my fingers. Oh, and one more thing...love your suit.
