Someone needs to determine the #1 surname in sports history.  Anyone?  Bueller?  Anyone?  Okay, I'll take it.

Step One in the formula: from each common name, take the best athlete in the three major sports—baseball, basketball, and football. (Sorry, but hockey doesn’t count. Unless you want to start looking for guys in other sports named Gretzky.)

Step Two: compare the lifetime stats and accomplishments of each commonly named ####.

Step Three: add a healthy dose of opinion.

Here we go...

Using the name Williams as an example, the top Williamses in the three major sports are Boston’s Ted (.344 batting average and 521 home runs), who edges Chicago Cub Billy (.290 and 426) in the baseball category, Seattle’s Gus (17.1 lifetime scoring average and 5.6 assists average) in basketball, and football’s Aeneas (8 Pro Bowls and 55 career interceptions). Not too shabby. But, not number one.

While Smith is our country's most common name, according to the U.S. Census, it also falls short. Sure, there’s NFL rushing leader Emmitt and his 175 touchdowns, MVP awards, and Super Bowl rings. And in baseball, you can take your pick between shortstop Ozzie and his Gold Glove (13 straight) wizardry or intimidating stopper Lee and his 478 saves. Unfortunately for the Smiths, former Brave and Knick Randy and his NBA career scoring averages of 16.7 points and 4.6 assists per game, while more than respectable, are not enough to help win this name game.

As for America’s second most common name, Johnson, it also under-performs in one of the three major sports. Baseball’s Hall of Fame pitcher Walter Johnson had 417 career victories and a miniscule lifetime ERA of 2.17. (And the Big Train’s numbers dwarf the Big Unit’s accomplishments in those areas; Randy Johnson is at only 263 and 3.11) Basketball’s Magic is a no-brainer with career averages of 19.5 points and 11.2 assists per game. Football’s Johnsons are comparatively weak. There are a lot of current guys (Chad, Rudi, Keyshawn, Andre) who may someday ring up impressive career numbers and some good former players (Essex, Pepper, Charlie, etc.). But the most prolific Johnson the NFL can produce is either Broncos’ wide receiver Vance and his 37 career TDs or Billy and his 27 TDs, three Pro Bowls, and white-shoed end zone dance.

Rice is nice, despite placing far down the list of common American names. Jerry’s 207 TDs and 13 Pro Bowls is untouchable. And baseball slugger Jim’s 382 dingers and batting average of .298 are impressive, as is Hall of Famer Sam’s lifetime mark of .322, achieved between 1915-1934 with the Senators. Glen Rice never passed the rock, but he had a notable NBA scoring average of 18.3.

As for the Davises, Broncos’ running back Terrell had a short but sweet run (60 TDs and two Super Bowl wins), outfielder Chili had tasty numbers (.274 and 350 HRs), and Dean Smith pupil Walter had an underrated (18.9) NBA career in Phoenix and Denver.

Two other surnames are one budding superstar away from contending for the title. The Carters, with Expo and Met Hall of Famer Gary (11 All Star selections), Viking Chris (130 TDs and 8 Pro Bowls), and Raptor-turned-Net Vince may one day be the best. Marcus (144 TDs and a Super Bowl MVP) and Richie (.292 and 351 HRs) both represent the Allens well, while Ray’s NBA and film (Jesus Shuttlesworth in Spike Lee’s He Got Game) careers have yet to peak.

How about the Jacksons? Baseball’s Reggie had a powerful (563 homers) bat, but only average (.262) average. Jim and Mark are the best Jacksons the NBA has to offer. As for football, toss a coin between wide receiver Harold (76 TDs) and tight end Keith (49 TDs), who each played in five Pro Bowls. Honorable mention goes to ESPN’s Tom and his three Pro Bowl selections.

What can Brown do? More than enough in football and baseball. Jim Brown’s 126 TDs and nine Pro Bowls in just nine seasons and Mordecai Brown’s 239 pitching wins are Hall of Fame stats. The premium NBA Brown is Freddie, who shot from downtown and averaged 14.6 points per game over a 13-year career in Seattle.

Keeping up with the Joneses is a bit more difficult, because there are three Hall of Famers in that group. The NFL’s Deacon (8 Pro Bowls with the Rams), the NBA’s shooting Sam (17.7 points per game and five All-Star selections for the Celtics), and baseball’s pitching Sam (229 victories) are a formidable trio. And, you could always throw in James Earl Jones and his stirring baseball speech from Field of Dreams.

But the distinction of the Greatest Surname in American Sports comes down to a battle of the Robinsons versus the Thomases. The latter team boasts Isiah (19.2 points and 9.3 assists per game), Frank (.308 and 436 HR so far), and Chiefs’ defensive back Emmitt (58 interceptions, five Pro Bowls). The Robinsons respond with Frank (.294, 586 HR, and a Triple Crown), David (21.1 points and 10.6 boards per game), and Chiefs’ defensive back Johnny (57 interceptions, 7 Pro Bowls). If a tie-breaker is required, the Thomases can counter only with skater Debbie and gymnast Kurt, while the Robinsons can close the deal with baseball’s color-barrier busting Jackie, hockey’s Larry, and boxing’s Sugar Ray. Case closed.

In the Meatloaf ("Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad") department, Edgerrin and LeBron need a strong baseball James to join them and they might someday compete. Steve and Cy Young could team up for the title if they had a little help from hoops; none of the five Youngs who have played in the NBA averaged even five points a game. Cubs’ slugger Hack Wilson and Cardinals’ safety Larry Wilson could claim the same lack of support; of the 15 NBA Wilsons, not one is as famous as the volleyball that co-starred with Tom Hanks in Castaway.

Darvin Ham has no shot, no matter how you slice it.