Inside the emergency room at St. Tagliabue Hospital, a doctor and nurse confer on which patients are in need of immediate and critical care...

Doctor: Give me the rundown, Nurse.

Nurse: Well, sir, there are seven men out there and, ironically, they all represent National Football League teams.

Doctor: It's not someone from the Jets is it? I told Herman Edwards they'd be okay next year, when all those unlucky injuries healed.

Nurse: No sir, no one from New York.

Doctor: Let me guess. It's the Niners and Texans.

Nurse: No, sir, actually those patients have already expired. The cases facing us today are surprising, because no one expected them to be suffering this badly.

Doctor: Okay, what do we have?

Nurse: Well, there's a large fella out there by the name of Andy Reid. He's complaining of severe chest pains. His Eagles were in the Super Bowl last year. Now they're full of injuries, backbiting, and controversy and their vital signs read 6-9.

Doctor: That IS a serious case. I had no idea they'd be this bad off this quickly. Okay, what else do we have?

Nurse: A man with a paper bag over his head limped in. He appears to be suffering from multiple stabbings. One of the wounds still has a knife in it with a note attached reading "Matt Millen Sucks."

Doctor: Ah yes, the Detroit Lions. That is a sad case. But they've have so many chances to get healthy over the past few years and they really haven't made any progress. I told Mr. Millen he really needs to find another line of work to relieve his stress. Next?

Nurse: Brett Favre. Very cute! But quite ####ed up physically and psychologically.

Doctor: Oh, his problem is easy to solve. It's going to be a while before his Green Bay Packers' team will live up to his expectations. By that time, he'll be too old. Tell Mr. Favre he should either retire or try another team. And also remind him to take solace in the fact that, unlike Dan Marino, at least he's won a Super Bowl.

Nurse: But, he's wearing green and gold Packers underwear, sir.

Doctor: Nevermind, he may be a lost cause. Remember the rule of triage, Nurse. We treat the most serious cases first. Who else is out there?

Nurse: There's a...Mike Martz.  Frankly seems a little demented, if you ask me. He's been yelling at the top of his lungs, "I'm still in charge!" I think he needs a sedative.

Doctor: He needs more than that. Perfect candidate for euthanasia, actually. If only Dr. Kevorkian were still on staff here, I'd have him take care Mr. Martz. The Rams are talented and would be a lot better off without him. Anyone else?

Nurse: There's a man with one of those awful porno moustaches.

Doctor: Jeff Fisher?

Nurse: Yes, that's him! How did you know?

Doctor: Bill Cowher is far too healthy to be here. And the only other guy it could have been, Dave Wannstedt, is now coaching in college. Although, HE could be in here before long, too. What's Fisher's problem?

Nurse: He's just out there sobbing and saying "4 and 11" over and over.

Doctor: He'll be okay. Tell him to go home and have some of that Tennessee Whiskey. You could really see it coming for his Titans, so I don't think their situation is nearly as critical as the Eagles, Rams, or Lions, who all should have been a LOT healthier. Is that all?

Nurse: No, there's also a man attached to his laptop.

Doctor: Brian Billick! Take that damned computer away from and tell him to get back to basics.

Nurse: No, I mean he's literally ATTACHED to it. Wires coming out of his head and running into the mother board. It's like something out of a Dean Koontz book. Very scary!

Doctor: His situation is worse than I'd thought. I warned him about this. All right, is there anyone else?

Nurse: Just one more, Doctor. A very old man, with long hair and sunglasses, dressed in silver and black.

Doctor: Not again! I'm surprised he still has control of basic bodily functions. He really needs to be in a home. Nurse, write out the following prescription: "Just quit, baby." I'll sign it and we'll send Mr. Davis on his way.

Nurse: So, who do we treat first, Doctor? I'm confused. Who's in need of the most immediate and critical care.

Doctor: Well, it's a toss-up. I say it's between the Lions, Eagles, and Rams. These teams can be saved with the proper treatment, but only if we act right away. By the way, you didn't see anyone out there from the Cleveland Browns, did you?

Nurse: Nope.

Doctor: Thank God.

Someone needs to determine the #1 surname in sports history.  Anyone?  Bueller?  Anyone?  Okay, I'll take it.

Step One in the formula: from each common name, take the best athlete in the three major sports—baseball, basketball, and football. (Sorry, but hockey doesn’t count. Unless you want to start looking for guys in other sports named Gretzky.)

Step Two: compare the lifetime stats and accomplishments of each commonly named ####.

Step Three: add a healthy dose of opinion.

Here we go...

Using the name Williams as an example, the top Williamses in the three major sports are Boston’s Ted (.344 batting average and 521 home runs), who edges Chicago Cub Billy (.290 and 426) in the baseball category, Seattle’s Gus (17.1 lifetime scoring average and 5.6 assists average) in basketball, and football’s Aeneas (8 Pro Bowls and 55 career interceptions). Not too shabby. But, not number one.

While Smith is our country's most common name, according to the U.S. Census, it also falls short. Sure, there’s NFL rushing leader Emmitt and his 175 touchdowns, MVP awards, and Super Bowl rings. And in baseball, you can take your pick between shortstop Ozzie and his Gold Glove (13 straight) wizardry or intimidating stopper Lee and his 478 saves. Unfortunately for the Smiths, former Brave and Knick Randy and his NBA career scoring averages of 16.7 points and 4.6 assists per game, while more than respectable, are not enough to help win this name game.

As for America’s second most common name, Johnson, it also under-performs in one of the three major sports. Baseball’s Hall of Fame pitcher Walter Johnson had 417 career victories and a miniscule lifetime ERA of 2.17. (And the Big Train’s numbers dwarf the Big Unit’s accomplishments in those areas; Randy Johnson is at only 263 and 3.11) Basketball’s Magic is a no-brainer with career averages of 19.5 points and 11.2 assists per game. Football’s Johnsons are comparatively weak. There are a lot of current guys (Chad, Rudi, Keyshawn, Andre) who may someday ring up impressive career numbers and some good former players (Essex, Pepper, Charlie, etc.). But the most prolific Johnson the NFL can produce is either Broncos’ wide receiver Vance and his 37 career TDs or Billy and his 27 TDs, three Pro Bowls, and white-shoed end zone dance.

Rice is nice, despite placing far down the list of common American names. Jerry’s 207 TDs and 13 Pro Bowls is untouchable. And baseball slugger Jim’s 382 dingers and batting average of .298 are impressive, as is Hall of Famer Sam’s lifetime mark of .322, achieved between 1915-1934 with the Senators. Glen Rice never passed the rock, but he had a notable NBA scoring average of 18.3.

As for the Davises, Broncos’ running back Terrell had a short but sweet run (60 TDs and two Super Bowl wins), outfielder Chili had tasty numbers (.274 and 350 HRs), and Dean Smith pupil Walter had an underrated (18.9) NBA career in Phoenix and Denver.

Two other surnames are one budding superstar away from contending for the title. The Carters, with Expo and Met Hall of Famer Gary (11 All Star selections), Viking Chris (130 TDs and 8 Pro Bowls), and Raptor-turned-Net Vince may one day be the best. Marcus (144 TDs and a Super Bowl MVP) and Richie (.292 and 351 HRs) both represent the Allens well, while Ray’s NBA and film (Jesus Shuttlesworth in Spike Lee’s He Got Game) careers have yet to peak.

How about the Jacksons? Baseball’s Reggie had a powerful (563 homers) bat, but only average (.262) average. Jim and Mark are the best Jacksons the NBA has to offer. As for football, toss a coin between wide receiver Harold (76 TDs) and tight end Keith (49 TDs), who each played in five Pro Bowls. Honorable mention goes to ESPN’s Tom and his three Pro Bowl selections.

What can Brown do? More than enough in football and baseball. Jim Brown’s 126 TDs and nine Pro Bowls in just nine seasons and Mordecai Brown’s 239 pitching wins are Hall of Fame stats. The premium NBA Brown is Freddie, who shot from downtown and averaged 14.6 points per game over a 13-year career in Seattle.

Keeping up with the Joneses is a bit more difficult, because there are three Hall of Famers in that group. The NFL’s Deacon (8 Pro Bowls with the Rams), the NBA’s shooting Sam (17.7 points per game and five All-Star selections for the Celtics), and baseball’s pitching Sam (229 victories) are a formidable trio. And, you could always throw in James Earl Jones and his stirring baseball speech from Field of Dreams.

But the distinction of the Greatest Surname in American Sports comes down to a battle of the Robinsons versus the Thomases. The latter team boasts Isiah (19.2 points and 9.3 assists per game), Frank (.308 and 436 HR so far), and Chiefs’ defensive back Emmitt (58 interceptions, five Pro Bowls). The Robinsons respond with Frank (.294, 586 HR, and a Triple Crown), David (21.1 points and 10.6 boards per game), and Chiefs’ defensive back Johnny (57 interceptions, 7 Pro Bowls). If a tie-breaker is required, the Thomases can counter only with skater Debbie and gymnast Kurt, while the Robinsons can close the deal with baseball’s color-barrier busting Jackie, hockey’s Larry, and boxing’s Sugar Ray. Case closed.

In the Meatloaf ("Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad") department, Edgerrin and LeBron need a strong baseball James to join them and they might someday compete. Steve and Cy Young could team up for the title if they had a little help from hoops; none of the five Youngs who have played in the NBA averaged even five points a game. Cubs’ slugger Hack Wilson and Cardinals’ safety Larry Wilson could claim the same lack of support; of the 15 NBA Wilsons, not one is as famous as the volleyball that co-starred with Tom Hanks in Castaway.

Darvin Ham has no shot, no matter how you slice it.

When Toronto Blue Jays' president J.P. Riccardi signed both A.J. Burnett and B.J. Ryan recently, it got me thinking that the Jays should just go all initials.  Here's a shopping list:

*Make a deal for pitcher C.C. Sabathia

*Go for (J.T.) Snow at first

*Pick up catcher A.J. Pierzynski.  (Reminder: make sure to stock up on beer.)

*Acquire J.J. Hardy from Milwaukee to play short.

*Add outfielders B.J. Surhoff and J.D. Drew

And, while we're at it, below is the rest of the All-Initials Team.  I'm absolutely positive I got 'em all.

*3-Point Shooter: J.J. Redick

*Point Guard: T.J. Ford

*Quarterback Dating Hot Soccer Star: A.J. Feeley

*Financial Advisor: E.F. Hutton

*Author: A.A. Milne over J.K. Rowling (Pooh over Potter!)

*poet: e.e. cummings

*Loudmouth: T.O.

*Acquitted Murderer: O.J.

*Gift That Will #### Off Your Woman on Xmas: C.Z.

Note: Of the 260 players in the Baseball Hall of Fame, not a single one is known primarily by his initials!  Yours forever, DROLLKEEPER, aka LDC3!