I have held off for too long. I can resist nomore. It is time for ..................

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Chuck Norris once strecked a diamond back into a piece of coal.

Common knowledge to the US government is that the A-bombs dropped over Japan where just a coverup and never really were dropped. Chuck Norris was skydiving and farted.

Chuck Norris once skydove without a parachute. He promised to never do this again being quoted as saying "one Grand Canyon is enough".

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Chuck Norris doesn't use toilet paper. he uses a 4' x 8' sheet of plywood.

Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the earth and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris once cloned himself. During a roundhouse kick Chuck Norris' foot met Chuck Norris' clones foot. The destruction was catastrophic. Hence the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, Chuck Norris decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. Actually Chuck Norris doesn't use condoms since there is no protection from Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only ####s to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris 

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. 

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "####!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to #### when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of ####s, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented water. 

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks. 

Alabama was penalized for improper recruiting, which the NCAA later stated shouldn't have happened because they didn't have actual proof.

Auburn was penalized or somthing that I can't remember and it probably cost them a National Championship.

Oklahoma Penalized theirselves when they discovered a problem with players recieving money for work they didn't do. The NCAA's reward for this was Hey thanks for being honest now we are gonna screw you by taking away you wins that year.

USC has a player, (who's name I won't mention but his initials are Reggie Bush), who's family is given a house and money to pay the bills. The player actually agreed to pay the agent a settlement to keep it out of court when they family didn't pay the rent. The NCAA says, wait they didn't say anything because USC is the Media's Darlings.

Why do some many teams recieve penalties and sanctions while others, who ignore the problems and don't cooperate with the NCAA suits, recieve nothing but a good sweeping under the carpet. As is the case with the whole reggie bush ordeal.

If the NCAA weren't full of crooked bigots then they probably wouldn't even exist. Do something about the USC case or I say start a revolt against CFB until the NCAA cleans their own house and penelizes theirselves.

The following is an unpaid service anouncement for fantasy footballers. The writer is not responsible for any jinxes placed on your team, or any of the misspelled words placed it this post.

I decided to write this because I cant see any of the finalist from other leagues. I also just want to brag about my FFTeam. So if you are a finalist in your league then feel free to Post anything you want about your team, your opponent, or just general smacktalk. But if your gonna post then tell us about your team. I'll Start.

team name: Wraithchild

team owner: Me, aka Josh Borden

Record:10-3 regular season, bye the first week of playoffs and a very close 74 to 66.7 victory in the semi's

Starters: Peyton Manning, Adrian Peterson, Marion Barber, Randy Moss, Dewayne Bowe, Tony Gonzalez, Adam Vinitieri, and Detroit

Bench: Derek Anderson, Ike Hilliard, Houston, Nick Folk, DJ Hacket, Chris Henry.

If it weren't for that rookie sooner Peterson I would not be in the position I am today. I am so glad a passed on Larry Johnson and took a chance on a rookie. Also Buckeyes3 if you read this I'm gonna smoke you alot worse than the predicted score.

I decided to make this post in retaliation to another about the greatest teams of all time. I have done lots of research and after putting the top 12 list down I will show you the simple formula I used to arrive at my conclusions.

First let me note that the IVY league was not included. otherwise Princeton harvard and yale would be the top 3 teams since they were the only three teams for around 50 years or so. Besides that the Ivy league just plain sucks. these stats are for the Major confrences which is all that really counts when talking about all time greats anyway.

First to answer the arguement of best all time confrence look at this stat which is really the only one needed to see who is the best.

Bowl Records by confrence

Most bowl games -  SEC 361,  Big Twelve 312, ACC 276, Big ten 234, Pac Ten 220, Big east 105

Bowl win Percentage -  ACC .535 141-122-5, SEC .521 177-162-13, PAC Ten .519 108-100-6, Big Ten .498 111-112-3, Big Twelve .480 144-156-4, Big East .470 46-52-2

 SEC gets 1.0 for leading bowl apperances then divide other confrences apperences by 361 for a percentage. ACC gets 1.0 for win percentage. add .465 to all other confrences % to account for the adjustment. Add the 2 %'s together divide by 2 and this is how the confrences stack up based on a 1.0 possible perfect rating

1. SEC .993 rating,

2. Big Twelve .904 rating,

3 ACC .882 rating,

4 Big Ten .805 rating,

5 PAC Ten .796 rating,

6 Big East .612 rating

You cant change numbers and since bowl games are the only time you really get good confrence vs confrence stats that is all thats needed to be used.

Now on too the real deal, your team. These are not the greatest teams of the past 20 years like that other schmuck was talking about. BTW all he did for reserch was copy an ESPNU article word for word. so If you see this poor excuse for a piece of writing  just let him know that we all know he copied it word for word.

Many teams were eliminated because despite being near the top in some catagorys they were not even in the top 20 in most others. The one exception I made was Notre Dame on their bowl game stats. Since they are widley considered one of the greatest of all time, despite the fact I cant stand them. I will be doing the 1.0 MUST ratings system agian for the following stats so you should be able to figure out how I came to my numbers.

ALL TIME WINS

Michigan 860, Notre Dame 821, Texas 813, Nebraska 810, OSU 786, Alabama 780, Penn State 780, Tennessee 768, OU 758, USC 743, Georgia 702, LSU 680, (other teams on the list but eliminated due to not being in the top 20 in other stats)  Syracuse 669, Auburn 667, West virginia 653, Texas A&M 649, Washington 648, Colorado 647, Georgia Tech 645, Miami-Ohio 641. these are the top 20 teams on the list if your team isn't there, sorry. I know I was suprised by a few of those names.

Win Percentage

Michigan .745, Notre Dame .744, Texas .718, OSU .712, OU .710, Alabama .709, Nebraska .706, USC .701, Tennessee .695, Penn State .688, Georgia .642, LSU .638. (Others Eliminated) FSU .673, Miami .639, Miami-Ohio .639, Auburn .629, Washington .627, Florida .622, Arizona State .615, Central Michigan .610. Thats the top 20 teams playing less than 20 years were excluded from all stats for obvious reasons.

Bowl Apperances

Alabama 55, Tennessee 47, Texas 47, USC 46, Nebraska 44, Georgia 43, OU 41, Penn State 40, LSU 39, OSU 39, Michigan 39, Notre Dame 28 (they are tied for 24th all time but I had to put them into contention anyway) Others in the top 20.  Arkansas 36, FSU 36, Georgia Tech 36, Florida 35, Auburn 34, Ole Miss 31, Miami 31, Texas Tech 31, Texas A&M 30, Clemson 30. Once agian if your team isn't list sorry that means they must suck.

Bowl Wins

Alabama 30, Usc 29, Penn state 25, Tennessee 24, OU 24, Georgia 23, Texas 23, Nebraska 22, LSU 19, Michigan 18, OSU 18, Notre Dame 13. Others that like winning the big ones. Georgia Tech 22, FSU 20, Ole Miss 19, Auburn 18, Miami 18, Florida 16, Clemson 15, Washington 14.

National Championships. This is after all, What every team is playing for. This is also the catagory that really eliminated some teams like FSU, Florida, Auburn, and others. But here is a condesed list.

Notre Dame 12, Alabama 12, USC 11,  Michigan 11, OU 9, Nebraska 5, OSU 5, Miami 5, Texas 4, Tennessee 4, Penn State 3, LSU 3, Georgia 3

Miami Was eliminated due to the fact they are not in the top 20 on the All-time wins list. But other than that here are the Greatest Teams of all-time by the Numbers. there is No Bias here except agianst the Ivy League and as I mentioned before After the year 1924 they are hands down the worst teams in football. What I'm trying to say is that Harvards 24 or however many NC's dont count becuase they were won at a time when only about 5 colleges had ever even heard of football. so here goes

Layed out in the following format

NC's / Most wins / Winning % based on 1.0 scale / Bowl apperances / Bowl wins / actual win %.

Agian this is a 1.0 point must system.

12. LSU- Final rating of .646/  individual ratings  .250/.790/.856/.709/.633/.638

11.Georgia- Final rating of .688/ individual ratings .250/.816/.862/.782/.781/.642

10.Ohio State- final rating .718/ individual ratings .416/.913/.957/.709/.600/.713

9. Penn State- final rating .721/ individual ratings .250/.906/.923/.727/.833/.688

8. Tennessee- final rating .751/ individual ratings .333/.893/.932/.855/.800/.695

7. Nebraska- final rating .757/ individual ratings .416/.941/.948/.800/.733/.706

6. Texas- final rating .766/ individual ratings .333/.945/.964/.855/.781/.718

NOW FOR THE TOP FIVE

5. The Fighting Irish of Notre Dame - final rating .773/ individual ratings 1.0/.954/.998/.509/.433/.744

4. The Sooners of Oklahoma - final rating .806/ individual ratings .750/.881/.953/.745/.800/.710

   (updated thanks to the sooners fan post below. changed from 7 nc's to 9 nc's)

3. The Wolverines of Michigan - final rating .828/ individual ratings .916/1.0/1.0/.709/.600/.745

2. The Trojans of Southern California - final rating .871 individual ratings .916/.863/.940/.836/.967/.701

1. The Crimson Tide of Alabama - final rating .928 individual ratings 1.0/.906/.952/1.0/1.0/.709

There you have it. I never expected them to look this way. The top five are the same top five I would have guessed but i would have guessed in a different order. I probably would have picked 5. alabama, 4. notre dame, 3. OU, 2. Usc, and 1. Michigan. But since I am a Tide fan I love the way the ratings turned out. You can't argue with cold hard numbers.  So I have now proved which confrence is the best along with the top 12 teams in College Football History. Argue all you want but facts are facts.

Feel free to run your Favorite teams stats agianst these numbers and post how they match up agianst the top twelve.

P.S. ESPN can kiss my butt and Fox Sports Rules

P.P.S. If you wanna throw fans in the mix like those nuts at ESPNuts, name me one team that had 92000+ show up to a scrimmage and was still turning people away. Yes the SOUTH is football crazy, and we are DANG proud of it.