In the words of the great philosophe Dehbashi, "I couldn't be happier". Fox sent me on a paid leave of absence for posting some "controversial" content (not that there's anything wrong with soccer), and I come back to see that almost all is right with the world. Here's why:
1. The NFL Season fast approaches. The seven barren months are soon to be over.
Hell, even "Basketball Duds" did a piece on Quarterbacks. A fantastic piece by the way. A few clowns jumped in to throw salt in his game, but who cares? I loved it. I'll forgive a few errors for outstanding content anyday
Duds, that was ESPN page 2 stuff, all day long. Kudos my man!!!! Keep NGS hope alive!!!
2. The scumsucking, shitbox, #### in Atlanta is a few phone calls away from being a free agent that no team, except the CB4 All Stars, will touch.
I warned you guys. I hate to say I told you how it would go down, but I told you exactly how it would go down.
Now here's what happened/will happen (write this down Lisa, maybe you can steal something right for a change).
Arthur Blank returns from Africa, calls a very powerful attorney friend and asks that friend to call the US Attorney.
The powerful friend calls the Assistant US Attorney and asks him one question; "are you guys gonna put this kid away"? The AUSA says "look, the guy couldn't have been more jailworthy if he sold videos of himself beating up old ladies in wheelchairs while they were getting chemotherapy. We're not only gonna put him in jail, we want to put him in jail and we have to put him in jail.
Powerful friend calls back Artie and says; "The kid is toast, and not because he's toast ####, either. He's going away.
Blank huddles with his PR people to deliver the news and get their spin. The PR guys say "Art, there is no spin, shed this punk like a bad $130mm habit. He's gonna make your team the most hated franchise in sports history. The only thing you should be thinking about is how you can get the government to freeze his assets so you can recover some of the money you burned."
Blank calls Roger Goodell and says, "I want to suspend the kid, okay?" Goody says "Unless you're suspending him by a rope from a tree, let me handle this. You guys sat on your #### long enough. Leave it to me and the Feds. You wanna have a Press Conference to save face, go ahead, it's good for the league. But I can't trust you to take appropriate action."
The NFL conducts an investigation and suspends Vick indefintely pending the results of the case.
Vick either takes a plea or continues to be a psychopath (thinks he's above the law) fights the charges and earns triple the jail time he would have gotten with the plea. Either way, he's gone for at least 2-3 seasons in the best case scenario. 2-3 seasons for the NFL's worst technical QB to get rusty, older and slower. Then, for giggles, he tries a comeback and finds few takers for an ex-con who wouldn't even take responsibility for his reprehensible conduct. If he's lucky, he ends up at RB in the CFL, where he belonged in the first place.
There is a God, and he's watching out for the defenseless ones. I feel like I won the lotto.
3. BALCO is running out of liars for Barry
Yes it's true, there are cracks in the Balco armor. It can only get better from here. My guess is that some AUSA has Barry's picture taped to his mirror, and is squeezing the #### out of every lowlife that ever so much as passed the BALCO labs, to get the drop on Mr. May. Granted, Barry isn't as stupid as Mike Vick (he never told his mistress his name was John Canada, at least) but he's still at least sociopathic (again, thinks he's above the law) and he has a few enemies.
I loved the fact that Schilling called him out, but I'm gonna love the fact that sooner or later, someone higher up inside BALCO is going to get his taxes audited and then have to choose whether he or Barry gets indicted. Guess who loses? I only hope it's the same day Bonds hits 754. Then, I'll wet myself laughing.
4. No more Kobe v. Shaq Christmas Day Games. Thank you David Stern. Kobe has done the impossible. He's managed to make the most gifted player in the game, for the first time, totally irrelevant. Yes, we can argue about the George Gervin's and Pete Maravich's of their time, but they never singlehandedly turned a 3-time championship team into a playoff wannabe. If anything, those guys were the lone stars on some bad teams, who wanted great players around them. Kobe had great players around him, but wanted to get rid of them so he could be the lone star. He got it and now the Lakers are a joke.
Meanwhile, Shaq is already preparing for his life after b-ball. He's helping fat kids get thin in the offseason, now that's irony. But we have to face facts. D-Wade is the leading man in Miami. Shaq may stil be the most accounted for player in the NBA, but he's no longer the most dominant. I'm looking forward to seeing LeBron and Dwade on Santa's day. That's a pretty nice gift compared to an aging superstar and a perpetually petulant pisspot primadonna.
5. The Missing Link is gone!!! Long Live Mike Tomlin!!!
It took 15 years of suffering to get rid of the rotting berry of the Schotty Bush and replace him with the glowing, intellectual fruit of the Noll Tree. I almost don't care how we do in Pittsburgh this year, (okay that's stupid) but I will suffer some growing pains with an intelligent, teaching coach, rather than flame out in January because an overpaid, overly-ugly cheerleader had no clue how to get a team ready for a big game.
I'm not jumping the gun on Tomlin, but I think he's in a great position to succeed with a franchise QB (with a full season to recover from his trauma), some gifted young players and a handful of vets to tie over the transition. I was disappointed that he didn't junk Cowher's 52 (Okie) defense. But looking back it's the right move (personnel-wise) for at least this year. All in all the guy impresses me.
Now let the games begin. Oh, and by the way, tell them that the streets belong to the Batman.
There were a whole lot of us KoMe Bryant haters snickering with glee when the Big Aristotle hoisted that NBA Championship Trophy. Yes, I was grinning from ear to ear. It wasn’t enough to watch Lebron, then Dirk, then Dwyane eclipse the Mamba this playoff season, but then the Shaqacalafragalistic one got the ultimate revenge this week. Not only did Shaq do what he set out to do, but he got to watch Wade bury the KoMe hype machine in its first round playoff grave.
Of course there are legions of me-sketball lovers who will still insist that KoMe is the best player in the game. It’s because he can do this, or he can do that, or he can do something no one else can. And they would be right. No one can kill a team like Kobe kills a team. It’s a shame, because I still think KoMe is more talented than Jordan was, but Jordan saved his black heartedness and killer instinct for his opponents. That, my friends is why Bryant isn’t the best in the game, never was, and never will be.
Besides, didn’t Jordan have to deliver under pressure to become “the best in the game”? Up until he did, he was way shy of legendary status. And does anyone remember Jordan pouting and refusing to shoot in a game seven of the playoffs, or a game 2 of the season, or a pickup game at a local high school? No.
That’s what separates the goods from the greats, Ko. Shaq must have peed his pants laughing watching D-Wade get that MVP. Now, D-Wade is, without question, the best in the game. Better than Dirk, better than LeBron, oh yeah, and light years better than the Mamba. He didn’t destroy his team because he couldn’t tolerate playing next to other stars. Wade used the stage to make his teammates stars. That’s what the best players do. So for all those who cry that KoMe would have won the trophy with the rest of the Heat playing alongside him, just remember, KoMe didn’t want the rest of the Heat playing alongside him. If he couldn’t share the ball with an aging Shaq, how would he do alongside D-Wade?
And by the way, isn’t it fun to watch Shaquille gloat, even if he wasn’t the Big First Option?
People are saying that Shaq has to adjust to not being option one anymore. They need to look at the films from 2003 and 2004 with the Lakers. Shaq hasn’t been option one for quite a while now. But just like Riley made Kareem adjust in the twilight of his career, he’s gotten Shaq to buy in as well. Don’t kid yourselves folks. Shaq knows what’s happening out there. He hears what his body is telling him. But he also knows that it’s a team game and that’s he loaded up the truck and moved from Beverly in the first place. Funny though, teams still prepare for and play him like it’s 1998. I remember one particular play this series where Shaq took the ball down low and faked a step to draw the double just so he could kick out to the open man. He wasn’t even thinking about shooting. That’s one mighty fine 7’, 330lb., decoy they have in Miami.
And maybe this is a good metaphor for one disgruntled blogger. When I was chosen and then almost immediately un-chosen as a NGSII finalist, I was irate. I got #### in a big way for daring to call out a counterfeit Fox columnist. I remember writing a story about eating my favorite dinner (linguini with clams) and how the best revenge, rather than pissing and moaning, is living well. We often spew those platitudes with little thought or belief behind them, but I really believed it that night. Tonight, I believe it more than ever.
For Shaquille and maybe someday for me, the best revenge really is living well.
Sometimes you get your wish. That's what I said to myself last night watching D-Wade, White Chocolate and The Diesel polish off the Bad Boys 2.0. Actually it was three wishes, I got to see Detroit get dispatched, Riles returning to the dance, and Shaq Daddy proving convincingly that he gets it while KoMe gets a vacation.
Don't misunderstand me, I acknowldege that KoMe is the most gifted player in the NBA. But then again, Terrell Owens is the most gifted wideout in the NFL too. I used to love the KoBe that played with Shaq. The love just turned to hate when Kobe decided to go KoMe, full time, using free agency to run the games biggest force and best Coach out of Los Angeles. See, now that's respect. I despise Jackson's (Winters) sluggardly triangle game, but I can't argue the fact that he's the best Coach around. If KoMe was the best player in the game, I'd say that too. But right now the best player is Dirk Nowitzki, to the dismay of Isiah Thomas, and D-Wade ain't but a half-step back.
So it's particularly delicious to get three wishes all in one night. But it wasn't perfect, though. A few things still bother me about the Heat:
1. When will J-Will cut the #### and admit that he isn't Earvin Johnson II? I'm so sick of the doodazzle passes he no-looks into the hands of defenders for easy layups the other way. JW can be a really good baller, if he'd just quit the Magic act. Christ, even Earvin Johnson isn't Earvin Johnson anymore.
2. Who will guard Nowitzki? My guess is the Heat use the same combiantion of nobody that has worked so well for the Suns.
3. This is not the same Pat Riley that coached Worthy, Kareem, Silk, Scott, and Johnson to glory. He's older and a lot less motivated. I mean, come on now, did anyone expect Riley to even want to win again after Showtime? Riles in NY was like Chuck Noll had left retirement to coach the Vikings. Riles in Miami? I don't know what to think. I guess he just wanted to coach Shaq.
4. Udonis Haslem. They misspelled his birth certificate, right?
5. The Glove. I despise the glove. Even more than KoMe, I watched his sorry, sulking #### destroy the SuperLakers last title run. Payton is the only player I've ever seen sulk and dribble at the same time. Aside from that, calling him the glove is a joke now. He might qualify to be called "the scarf" on a good day.
It's not news, though, that no one is going to chain-saw the Mavs now that Avery Johnson is running the show. That alone makes for a really interesting sub-plot, the grizzled veteran coach against the young buck.
My second biggest question is how much of the Diesel we'll get against Dallas. Last night he gave about 85%, which is probably 20% harder than he's been working this postseason. Diesel gives, when he's motivated, the thing every non-triangle team needs to win. The inside-out game. Simply put, when Shaq is on, Miami is the best inside out team in the NBA.
The most important question, though is; will KoMe have the sack to do the halftime show? I'm dying to know. There's an even more tantalizing sub-plot to his pending appearance though. What color sweater vest will his publicist pick for this appearance? I can hear the talk in the dressing room now. "Here Ko, this one definately makes you look like you're not a ####" "Dude, Pistachio? It makes me look like a ########!" "Well, it's gonna have to roll, Ko, your periwinkle vest is at the cleaners. Now rock the Pistachio."
It would be a genuine treat to see Riles and the Heat in the finals. I'm not so sure they'll take care of the Pistons but stealing home court is a good first step. Have I mentioned how satisfying it will be for me and Shaq to know that KoMe Bryant will be watching? Sure , the Mamba almost had me convinced that he had bought into the 5-man game against Phoenix, but then midnight came and he turned back in to a dumpkin.
What are the odds KoMe will show up at halftime of the conference finals rockin' that Periwinkle sweater vest and telling us why D-Wade is so damn good under pressure? Maybe he'll wear his mugshot outfit. Who knows?
Did I mention how much I detest "Revenge of the Pistons", the geekiest, least exciting team this side of San Antone? That's a major factor in why I want Riles to make it back. He presided over the most exciting team in NBA history, the real, Earvin Johnson, Lakers. By the way sports fans, Riley never called Magic, Magic. He felt that the nickname implied that what Johnson did was an illusion. Riley's nickname for Earvin Johnson was "Buck". This summer, Riley had the guts to carve up the team that didn't quite make it last year and get a few guys who could run transition and score the ball. He also got J-Will, 'cause he appears to be fancy. I don't get J-Will, by the way. He makes more no look passes to guys who aren't there . . . . . Still, Riley's squad is threatening to bring the Trophy back east and maybe wake up the viewers in the process. If I had been forced to watch another Pistons-Spurs rugby match, I would rather have spent the night trolling for Dayn Perry articles.
Out West, the Mavericks have also undergone a transformation. Nellie is gone and Avery Johnson is in. Thank you, God for Avery Johnson. I'm sure Nellie is a good guy, but there are a lot of nice guys who never win anything. The Johnson Mavericks have either bought into his system or been replaced with aliens. I'm betting that Johnson gave this team a heart transplant. If you watched them in game seven, taking everything the Spurs (and the one-man wrecking crew, Tim Duncan) had and turning 'em back, that was good basketball folks. It doesn't hurt when you have a seven footer who can play 7'2" or 6'2" whenever he chooses, either. You gotta feel for Michael Finley, though. He has his own foot up his #### right now.
So here's where the Suns set. Their four point guard and one small forward look is bound to crumble, right? Not so fast. Even though I don't think you give the MVP to a guy who hasn't seen a bottle of Prell in four years, you can't coun't these guys out, ever. I'm still trying to figure out how the Clips didn't beat them. Maybe in a three or five game series, but seven games of undersized basketball and something has to give. Turns out it was the Clippers. More proof that youth is wasted on the young. So, KoMe at halftime or not, this year's conference finals should be a real winding dingaling.
What a thrill to watch the LeBronze cough, sputter and wheeze his way through the big finish last night. At one point, after tanking a layup and bricking too many free throws, I thought the refs would have to call time because the King launched an airball so fluffy it might never land. Whether he was just tired from having played nearly every second of the playoffs, or if he was feeling the heat, the King was dead last night. Long live the King.
But I wasn't thrilled because he choked. I was thrilled because his team didn't choke. It's quickly becoming clear that LeBron is one of those unique athletes who makes his team better because they believe they are never out of game as long as he is present. The Cav's didn't win because of LeBron, they won because of the idea of LeBron. Nice. Write it down guys, last night the NBA's most important player was crowned. I hope he gets rid of the scowl though. He reminds me a lot more of Earvin Johnson than Michael Jordan.
By the way, LeBron's biggest fan right now has to be Shaquille O'Neal. Basketball's author of "How To Win a Championship Without Even Trying" wants nothing more than to avoid having to show up for an entire series against Ben Wallace.
So Joey Porter has a bone to pick with the President. What's the early line on whether he disappears from that confrontation too? Porter came out of the SB "okay" after running his mouth about Jerramy Stevens, but not because his game had anything to do with it. Stevens abused the Steelers D, running free all day. He just didn't finish, and it wasn't because Porter was stopping him.
Now Joey has threatened to sound off on a wimpy little suit who flexes the collective muscles of others. Good for Joe. I can't wait to see if he comes through. Maybe it's time that the man with the plan realized that we're his boss. We hired him and we could have fired him too. Not that W will be writing Joey a refund check, but for once Porter has some beef behind his banter.
I live in New England, which is kind of ironic because I hate the old one. But here, the place where we pahk cahs, and play in our yahds, Doug Flutie is a big deal. So when #2 announced his farewell, it was met with much commentary. My thought, so what? He made a drop kick, big deal. Fluite was an okay QB. He hung around forever. If there had been an Iranian football leage, he would have played there too. Yes he was 5'9" tall. Whoop de dooh. They still think Baseball is the National Past time here, so it doesn't surprise me that they celebrate a guy whose best play ever was still that hail mary to Gerard Phelan.
The Carolina Hurricanes are playing well enough to win another Stanley Cup. That leads me to two questions. Who had the idea to put an NHL franchise in either Carolina? Doesn't having a hockey Champion in Carolina seem almost as unnatural as having teams in Florida win the Cup. Canadians must be crapping their pants. The Florida Panthers, the Tampa Bay Lightning, and the Carolina Hurricanes are the best that Hockey has to offer. How's that for a kick in Le BonBons? Me and the three other Americans who occasionally watch hockey get a real kick out of this.
If I had to pick an NHL rookie of the year, it would probably be Sidney Crosby. Why, he's a teamer, not a scorer. It was really sad to see 86 year old Mario Lemieux retire this year. What was even sadder was knowing that Mario was the 2nd best player on his team. I had the pleasure of watching Mario in his prime and it always upset me when he was regularly ignored in comparisons to Gretzky. Lemieux was better than Gretzky, so much more talented it wasn't even close. But while Wayne Gretzky fashioned himself into the Pete Rose of Hockey, Mario skated alongside the Great Two, making moves, passes and shots of which Gretzky could only fantasize. Will we ever see another talent like Lemieux? We'd better pack our picnic baskets.
But that's all stuf I've seen recently. Here are a few things I'd like to see:
Larry Brown accepts a buy out from the Knicks, retires for 18 seconds, has his pelvis, kidneys and pancreas replaced and then becomes the Head Coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Brown tells the media "Hey, at least they play defense here", "besides that, if I can babysit Alan Iverson, Rasheed Wallace and Stephon Marbury, Joey Porter and Hines Ward will be a vacation".
The NFL announces two expansion franchises, one in Hong Kong and one in Tokyo. That'll teach 'em for kicking our butts in math, science and cheap labor. Of course the NFL sends the 49ers to play the first game against The Hong Kong PointyLizards. Alex Smith throws 17 interceptions in the 1st half, before Trent Dilfer comes on to pull out the 3 point win in OT. Hong Kong paper sports page reads "Crouching Monster, Weeping Lizards". I'll wait for the movie.
Lawrence Taylor leaps into the ESPN booth to crush Joe Theismann and break his other leg in half. 73% of the fans can't tell the difference between Theismann's continuous, agonizing screams and his normal, endless blather. The other 27% are just happy he'll be in the hospital for a while.
Mike Tyson accepts one more big payoff to return to the ring against an 11 year old boy with Leukemia. Tyson is knocked out instantly in the first round by the sound of the bell ringing. Guinness immediately enters him in the Book of World records as the first man ever to be tougher before he went to prison than after he got out.
David Letterman and Hollywood Hulk Hogan square off with Jay Leno and Stone Cold Steve Austin in Wrestlemania #whatever. Letterman and Hogan pull out the win when Rowdy Roddy Piper intervenes and smashes a beer keg and a 57 Chevy over the heads of Austin and Leno. Evidently, Piper never got over the way NBC treated Letterman when Carson retired.
