So Mike Vick manufactures an act of contrition, and a press, worried about looking "judgmental" and "racist" describes the act as a "good first step". I'm not so sure.
I can't be the only one who noticed how desperately uncomfortable the, formerly "above the law", ex-QB looked in making his first relevant statement to the public since the story broke. He looked about as humble as Donald Trump's comb-over.
Sure he cited the three musts from "contrition for dummies" handbook. "Accept responsibility, found Jesus, ask forgiveness . . . ." but even those bare necessities sounded canned and disingenuous coming from a sedate(d) soft-spoken, Ron Mexico.
So pardon me, kids, if I'm not floating on the raft of #### Vick just set adrift. Just because he's managed to stop himself from flippping the bird at the fans and society in general, doesn't mean I believe he's on a mission from God now. The only think Vick has ever been able to fake was being an NFL QB.
Guys I'm Pulling For . . . .
Duante Culpepper
Hating the Raiders as only a Steeler fan can, it's hard to cop to cheering for any Raider. But I can't be more hopeful for anyone in the NFL than Duante Culpepper. Yes, Culpepper underperformed a huge deal in Minnysoda, and got the eight train. But what happened to him in Miami was unbelievably unfair. Regardless of the notion that Culpepper is a streaky QB whose streaks seem to last entire seasons, I've always loved his bazooka arm and his athletic ability. Aside from that, this Jamarcus Russel saga is bordering on insanity. The guy's never taken a snap and he's holding out over bonus money? For Culpepper's sake. I hope Russell continues his bizarre combination of idiocy and greed until Duante has at least enough time to prove that Miami was a fiasco.
Joey, formerly Joseph, (aka Joey) Harrington
While I'm not necessarily a Harrington believer, could a QB land in two worse spots than Detroit and Miami recently? Besides, I'd like nothing more than seeing the Falcons emerge from the ####-storm Vick tossed on them, to become a competitive franchise by playing an actual QB at QB. Maybe Harrington got what he deserved, maybe he just sucks. But no franchise and no city full of fans should be punished to death for putting their faith in a player who chose to immediatley and repeatedly #### on them.
Add to that the fact that Harrington, by a shade, is a better QB over his career than Vick, and gets sacked less often. Atlanta and the rest of NFL fans need to accept the reality that QB position does not require re-inventing. Every QB who the media ever labeled as re-inventing the position re-invented themselves out of a job.
What a wonderful lesson to be learned if the Falcons survive and even thrive with a QB at QB.
Guys I wish would stay home . . . . .
Priest Holmes
Don't get me wrong, It's impossible to dislike Priest Holmes as a man or a ball player. But at this point, you have to ask; why? KC is not a SB contender, and the odds priest would be released (if he even makes the roster) to sign with a contender are minimal. But the odds that he could be seriously injured in game action are high enough to wonder what is driving this man. As a RB, he has nothing to prove. As a competitor, he has nothing to prove. And I haven't heard that he's run out of money . . . .
What frightens me is the mere possibility that one of the NFL's class acts and former best talents will take just one more hit. One more that stops him from leaving the field for the last time, under his own power. That's something I'd rather not see happen.
I never played pro-ball, but I suited in High-School. I still remember the click-clack of those cleats on the cement, the sense of invincibility one gets when donning the pads and helmet, and the absolute thrill of performing for the folks cheering you on. i can only imagine how hard it is to move on from the biggest stage, in the niggest game in pro sports. I hear the longing in Sterling Sharpe's voice every time I see him on TV, his career cut short by a neck problem. But then I think of the late Darryl Stingley and it makes me wish Priest would move on.
Vinny Interceptaverde
Oh please. What is this guy, 65 now. So he's played in every decade since Edison invented the light bulb, big deal. I get the feeling Belichick keeps inviting him back for doing time with him in Cleveland . I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. You can get a much younger, 2nd rate QB to play 3rd fidlle for a lot less money than a 73-year veteran. And he'll probably throw fewer game busting picks.
That's what kills me about VinnyT. It's not like he's some wise old sage, whose best days are behind him. He's a sorry old choker whose best days were in high school. I mean this is the guy Jimmy Johnson benched for the National Championship game because he tore up his leg on a motor scooter the weekend before the match. This is the guy who never met a choke he didn't like.
Bill, if Jimmy from South Park were here he'd say, "it's like, come on".
One of my favorite NFL Network Commercials is the "time to get your story straight" ad. The one where they show the pre-season commentary from everyday fans that ends up completely backwards. Statements like, "Mark my words, this is Cleveland's year" come to mind.
Nonetheless, I have the same right to go out on a limb and embarass myself too. So with that in mind, I'm going to post my crow now and eat it later. So here are my predictions for noteworthy developments in the upcoming season of the greatest show on turf. (The NFL, not just the Rams).
McNabb McChoked
1. Donovan McNabb is auditioning for his next team. With a rash of injuries, hurried rehab, no contract extension, and huge cap numbers looming, McChoke is a ghost in Philly. Don't be surprised is Dumbavan struggles early and Felly/Kolb start splitting reps by week 3. Reid has ultimate confidence in Feeley. His decision to bench him for the playoffs a few years back cost the Birds a SB shot.
2. John Gruden will be the next big name coach to be fired. Tony Dungy's SB win last year solidified the fact that Gruden was a recipient of the Switzer (formerly known as the Seifert) Trophy in Tampa. That's the award you win when the coach before you builds a championship team that could win a SB with a blow up doll at HC. Gruden has put his stamp on the Bucs like Seifert did or the Panthers. Just remember, Jon, when you have seven QB's, you have no QB.
3. The Colts will not repeat. Their personnel losses mean they will score fewer points and other teams will score more points.
4. That "Write In" SB Trophy for the Pats is premature. The Pats have serious questions at RB and LB, two positions that tend to mean a great deal to playoff teams. Besides, Randy Moss never makes a team better. The fact that the Pats decided to retool via spending spree is a departure from what made them great anyway.
5. The Vikes are in serious trouble offensively. To paraphrase ex-ESPN analyst Joe Theismann; "the problem with having Tavaris Jackson as your QB is that Tavaris Jackson is your QB". The only thing more frightening than a season with Jackson under center is half a season with Brooks Bollinger under center.
6. Priest Holmes will come back successfully. Will he be the Priest of old, maybe not quite. Will he make Larry Johnson trade bait? Yes.
7. Just like Bill Cowher used to coach great teams into mediocrity, Norv Turner will coach a very good team into ineptitude. The wheels may not come completely off this year in SD, but if the Chargers win ten and even sneak into the second season, it will be a blessing to the town that gave us Jimmy Durante.
8. The same Dallas Cowboys who cursed Parcells on the way out the door, will be wishing for another new coach after ten weeks of Wade Phillips. Wade is not a winning HC. Watching him mishandle the talent that Parcells assembled in Dallas is going to be ugly. Jerry Jones is starting to look more and more like Dan Snyder every day.
9. The fear of the QB formerly known as "Joey" in Atlanta is earth-shattering overkill. Harrington has slightly better career stats than his predecessor and is sacked far less often. Few people bother to remember that, despite the NFL's best run game by a wide margin, Vick is the most sacked QB in the NFL. Sacks kill drives and give field position away, kids. With a QB at QB, even "Joseph", the ShitBirds are immediately better off offesnively.
Mike Vick's Next Training Camp
10. Mike Vick no longer possesses that "escapability" that NFL announcers so often waxed about. (Actually, if you look at Vick's sacks per attempt, even nearly-crippled Peyton Manning has much better "escapability".) Vicks' real escapability, though will start to be tested Monday, when at least one of his co-defendants will plea-out and (without doubt) offer replete and damning testimony on Ron Mexico's leadership in his dog-killing ring. He did esacpe one thing though, his Nike Contract.
11. Vince Young will struggle as teams begin to employ the Cunningham/Stewart/Vick defense against him. Despite the Tacks excellent ground game, Young will be forced to become effective from the pocket. I'm not saying he won;t learn how to play the position in the NFL, but his real learning curve wil decelerate as teams get to know him.
12. The Panthers will continue to be overrated. I don't need to explain this.
13. JaMarcus Russell is already benched until year two. With no contract in sight, the guy who most needs TC on the team that most needs a QB, can not even dare to play him this year. He'd have a better rookie year if the RayDuhs put him in a giant blender.
14. Nobody cares if Michael Strahan holds out. He's an aging star on a team in transition at many skill positions. Coughlin is done and Bil Cowher will either end up here or in Cleveland depending on Romeo Crennel's progress.
15. The Cro-Magnon in a cheerleader suit returns. Just when we thought cerebral guys like Mike Nolan were the new wave of HC's, look for some "I wanna win now" owner to hire the Missing Link to continue the commitment to mediocrity he pioneered in Pittsburgh. I truly believe that Cowher will end up in Cleveland, though. He's a Schotty Disciple from the Brown days, played ball there and knows like no one else, how to lose big games at home. The fit is perfect. It's clear that Al Lerner knows a good deal more about window-shopping than trap-blocking. Don't rule out Dan Snyder, though. I think Gibbs will finally admit that he never regained the edge he lost before his first retirement.
16. Matt Schaub will make the Texans better. Unfortunatley, that means they'll be mediocre.
17. The Steelers will have some growing pains under Mike Tomlin. It's likely that part of the transition will see the Steelers shedding overpriced, over-the-hill and underperforming LB's like Farrior and Haggans along with the 52 Defense Cowher adored for so long. Don't be surprised to see a lot more 4-3 looks right away with either Woodley or Timmons in a 3-point stance, and eventually the combination of Timmons and Woodley on the outside with Harrison in the middle of a 4-3 alignment.
18. Byron Leftwich will play his last season in JAX. Despite DelRio's politically correct speak, he's clearly not a Leftwich believer. I don't think he's a Garrard believer either. The Jags aren't convinced Culpepper will ever be healthy, though. Don't be shocked if Jake Plummer ends up in Jagland, or the Jags draft a young QB and sign a make-due vet next year.
Old enough to QB, but can't buy beer.
19. The big problem in KC is not LJ, it's BC. Handing the QB job to a guy whose had two incredible preseasons is a risk. Handing the job to a guy whose had two pretty good preseasons is a symptom of psychosis. Hasn't Herm Edwards learned that the QB does matter. Did he forget about his job with the Jets?
20. Trent Green will start in Miami and get hurt again. Who's backing him up again? It may as well be Joey Porter, because Porter will at least enjoy running his mouth in the huddle.
Those are just a few insights into what I'm expecting in NFL 2007.
It started happening a few years back. Cars named after birds or cities or pointy things just weren’t exciting enough anymore. Even with some nice changes in sheet metal, “noun” cars weren’t generating the heat they used to generate. Names like Chevy’s Camaro, Chrysler’s Caravan, Ford’s Escort, Cadillac’s Coup DeVille, Pontiac’s Grand (insert name here), Nissan’s Sentra and Mazda’s Miata were sent to the bone yard for some silly sounding replacements. Now we have the Dodge Intrepid, the Ford Focus, the Chevy Cobalt, the Nissan Altima, the Toyota Prius, and wait we still have the Miata. Saving the Miata, though, is a lot like sinking a ship full of gold coins and being able to recover the sea rations.
It’s bad enough to have to deal with all this car name silliness, but it gets worse. A few times each year the average guy, aka you and me, is forced to watch the athlete of the moment drive off with an MVP award and a new “insert luxury manufacturer name here” SUV. Even with the silly names, we can’t have one, at least not yet anyway.
If I had my way, I’d not only name the new vehicles but I’d also pick the athletes to drive them. After all, who is more likely to buy new cars than today’s highly paid athlete. So I thought it might be fun to share my new car names and the jocks who should pilot them.
The VW Virgin-From the company that partnered with Porsche to make an SUV and then named it the Toe-Rag, we get the Virgin. It’s the first logical name for a VW since the Rabbit. After all, maybe people who drive VW’s aren’t all virgins, but they sure look like they should be.
Who drives a Virgin? Shawn Bradley, that’s who. The guy has a wife and kids and still manages to look like he couldn’t score if he was shooting point blank into an open net.
The Pontiac Pout-Named for its stiff maneuvers and sluggish behavior, the Pout is the choice of athletes who don’t get the ball as much as they want it. Who drives a Pout? No, not TO, but you're close. Long before TO was wrecking chemistry like a 12 year old with a flask and a Bunsen burner, Keyshawn Johnson made MeShawn a household name. Besides, TO doesn’t pout. TO is way too vocal for that. That’s why he drives a . . . . . . . .
Toyota Tantrum-The Tantrum combines 4 wheel, shift on the whine, drive a roaring DOHC 8 cylinder engine, and six-speed automatic transmission to make petulant protestations as easy as a Sunday drive. Plus, there’s a 3rd seat standard for those full on thrashers.
The Dodge Debacle-The debacle isthe gold standard inheadroom, legroom, billowy upholstery, road isolation, and a ride that feels so smooth, you almost forget that you were a few minutes from a crushing 3-0 lead over the Miami Heat when your team quit on you. You got it. Dirk Nowitzki drives a debacle.
Infiniti Temporary-The Temporary (pardon the pun) is made for the man who wants people to know that he’s arrived, but that he might not be staying. Everything’s standard with the Temporary. Even your first three license plate transfers and conversion to NY or California emissions when your deal runs out, or LA finally gets smart and unloads Kobe, is included in the sticker.
LeBron James drives a Temporary, Carmelo Anthony drives a Temporary. Heck, Dwyane Wade is thinking about a Temporary, depending on how much Shaq weighs next preseason.
Nissan Notquite-The Notquite is an intriguing ride. It’s not quite a Honda or Toyota, but then again it’s not quite a Chevy or Ford either. Who else but Albert Pujols would drive the Notquite? He could hit 75 homers, never even think about steroids and still be not quite as beloved as Mark McGwire in St. Louis. And it's notquite ready, so here's a peek.
Chrysler Crybaby-Chrysler’s partnership with Mercedes has yielded some excellent upgrades but none as wonderful as this. The Crybaby is the first vehicle ever to be soundproofed from the inside. But don’t look for one anytime soon, this luxury sedan is available only in limited release and only for sale to Seattle Seahawk coaches and fans.
Honda Fonda- For every aging superstar who just refuses to go gentle into that good night, the Fonda is the ride of choice for the star who thinks he’s got one more “On Golden Pond” season in him before he flames out altogether.
The Fonda is luxuriously equipped with power assisted everything (for those weak, achy joints), a six-cylinder turbocharged engine whose turbocharger doesn’t quite engage like it used to, and dual wheezing exhaust pipes. Who drives a Fonda? Roger Clemens? No. Shaquille O’Neal? No. Is there any athlete out there more qualified to be in Honda than Mark Brunell? Yes, Kurt Warner.
Porsche Chokester-The Chokester is the best that powerful, sleek, sporty underperformance has to offer. ESPN's favorite son is not all aesthetics though. With a 0-60mph run of never, the Chokester clocks the first 50mph in just less than 4 seconds and hits a screaming, bone jarring stall before the finish.
The Chokester is the car of choice for all those rich New England preppies and roughneck hills of Pittsburgh fans as well, because as long as Peyton Manning is driving a Chokester, January is gonna be a great month.
Jaguar X-Wife 3- At a base price just under $40K, and free maintenance for the life of the car, the X-Wife 3 spells affordable luxury for all those aging jocks who crossed the altar more frequently than the championship finish line that would have made all those alimony payments manageable.True, it looks more like a Buick than Jag, and it drives more like a Ford than the legendary classic, but at least it has the cat on the hood and that’s something.
Who drives the X-Wife 3? That guy who married Tawny Kitaen, whatever his name is? I think it was Chuck Finley.
Ford Frustration-Like the Chrysler Crybaby, the Ford Frustration is not available to most of us. Ford’s answer to Lamborghini and Ferrari is powered by a 12 cyl, dohc, 450 hp rocket. With a 6 speed manual transmission and Lotus suspension, The Frustration is the perfect ride for those who want a quick suicide run to end to the “I just can’t take losing anymore” blues. So you can’t have one unless you’ve done yeoman service for a perennial loser or bridesmaid.
Who drives the Frustration? Bill Cowher was lucky enough to cancel his order last February, but Marty Schottenheimer already has two.
Cadillac CrackDealer-Simply put, it’s the most tricked out, pimped-up, bling-blinged, dropped down ride in the bizzizzness. The CrackDealer doesn’t just have rims, it has gold rims with platinum rims on its rims. DirecTV is standard, with eight headrest and two ceiling mounted flat screen monitors. This Caddy not only has heated leather seats, it has cooled leather seats for those potentially sticky summer exits.And just when you thought #### fab couldn’t get more fab, just press down and slide out those front and rear dual Cristal Holders. As one owner (name withheld due to probation) said, “####’s got a dashboard microwave and a DJ in the back”.
And the great news is, you don’t have to be a crack dealer to drive one, you just have to look like a crack dealer. He drives, rather is driven, in a Bentley, but come on Allen Iverson, you know you want one. With a rap sheet like this, is there any other car for you?
Allen Iverson
Criminal trespass, felony, two counts
Criminal conspiracy, felony, one count
Violation of the Uniform Firearms Act, felony, one count
Violation of the Uniform Firearms Act, misdemeanor, one count
Simple assault, misdemeanor, two counts
Terroristic threats, misdemeanor, two counts
Unlawful restraint, misdemeanor, two counts
False imprisonment, misdemeanor, two counts
Possession of an instrument of crime, misdemeanor, one count
Chevy Cheeseburger- The motto for this ride has to be “It’s about time”. It’s about time that the manufacturer that gives away mediocre cars like Famous Amos sells chocolate chip cookies just caved in and used an equally generic name for their rides. The CB will be as ambiguous and omnipresent as every Chevy before it. But soon this vehicle will be the heartbeat of American mediocrity. Why? Well there’s nothing very good about it, and it still enlists the 1980’s rehash of 1970’s Chevy technology, but who doesn’t want a cheeseburger?
For every mediocre baseball player who couldn’t cross the Mendoza line, for every 11th guy on an NBA roster, for all the 53rd guys on NFL rosters, there’s a Cheeseburger. And for those guys who actually got into the game there’s an upgrade coming. Chevy’s Z-44 Bacon Cheeseburger is due out in ’07.
Lexus Loafer-Lexus has finally forsaken its numbers and letters for the new flagship, the king-sized, luxury line Loafer. For every player who has ever taken a play, a series, a game or even a season off, the Loafer will get them where they’re going, if they even care where they’re going since they went in the tank a long time ago.
It’s no CrackDealer, the Loafer takes refined luxury to new heights. With its “navigation to nowhere” GPS, and soothing environmental sound system, the Loafer leads its passengers on peaceful, seemingly endless journey through seasons of discontent. Finally, a car for Randy Moss.
BMW 760 ME- This car was simply made for one man. No really, one NBA player had his agent contact BMW because he loves the upwardly mobile legacy of BMW but felt the driver customization options of the I-drive system were way too flexible any car he was driving. The answer, BMW redesigned a whole series just for Kobe Bryant.
The 760 ME, won’t let you adjust your seats, your mirrors, your climate control, your stereo stations, or anything else for that matter. And it only lets you leave your hotel under the cover of darkness. You drive it like Kobe drives it, or not at all. Of course Jerry Buss and Mitch Kupchak already have one, even though Buss’ sits in the garage because he can’t reach the pedals. But Phil Jackson? Well he’s rumored to have one, but we’ll see if he’s actually driving it in the next couple of years.
Land Rover Roid-Rage-Did we save the best (or worst) for last. For years, Rover has staked a claim on the most overpriced SUV in the game. And Rover doesn’t care if it misses out on the new money, the up and comers, and the ghettofabulous market. They just keep making the same bland, boring, underpowered dinosaurs, and selling them to too rich, but unpretentious upper-middle Americans, based on the fact that their cars really can go anywhere safely. But that’s all about to change.The car maker that doesn’t need you, want you or care about you is finally peddling to someone.Anabolicly altered athletes will soon be slamming themselves into the front seats of Rovers everywhere. With its super tempered punch proofwindow glass, anger sensitive gas pedal governor, and anti-ram brakes, the Roid Rage hedges its bets that back acne covered, puffy joweled, pulsing neck veined home-run hitters will see that it pays for itself many times over in personal injury lawsuit savings alone.
Mark McGwire doesn’t have one. He’s lost 75lbs for some strange reason and is too weak to drive a Roid-Rage now. Jose Canseco? No. He can’t afford the $400k price tag, so he’s driving the Jaguar X-Wife 3. Rafael Palmiero? No. He drives the new Hummer #### (insert Viagra joke here). But Barry Bonds is the perfect fit for the Roid-Rage. The guy who doesn’t need, want or care about the fans is perfectly aligned with the car maker who doesn’t need, want or care about us either. And the good news is, even though he’s going to be spending millions to keep from hitting 715 HR’s for his cell-block softball team, Bonds has been making so much money for so long that he can afford more legal fees than OJ and Kobe combined and still drive a Roid-Rage, when he gets out at least.
Of course I’m just scratching the surface here. I never even got to the Hummer, or the Lamborghini’s, Lotuses and Ferrari’s of the world. But there’s always another blog, and there are new superstars and car models being made every day. As you hear so often in sports, we'll get 'em next year.
