What’s the over under on David Garrard turning back into the pumpkin that couldn’t win a starting job (for how many seasons)? I’m betting 4 games until it happens and 9 games until the PC avengers admit it. No question, Garrard had a dream season last year, but really now. Funny how talking heads were still calling Tom Brady a game manager after he’d won three SB’s, but they heap praise on a one year wonder with the best 1-2 running punch in the NFL. Now that Jax is missing two guards, MJD is starting slow and Fred Taylor seems to be coping with some issues, we saw what happens when Garrard has to win games by himself. He doesn’t.

One can’t help but feel for Tom Brady, and despise Bill Belichick.  Brady’s never been a bruiser, and I had long sensed he was due for a big hurt. Still, no one wants to see a player hurt. I don’t know if Belichick’s arrogance is tolerable anymore, though. It’s not the “life goes on” act he sells to the press that gets me. It’s the disservice he does to the fans by not looking for some insurance at the QB spot.  Sure Belichick wants to prove that he’s the reason NE has flourished, and to a large degree he is. But how many big winners (see Shula, D, and Noll, C.) floundered for a decade or so after they lost their hall of famers?

Yeah, Broadway Brett’s Jets beat the fish. So? Only the Dolphins lose on a Hail Mary. Besides, am I the only one who’s willing to admit that Pennington’s arm is made of balsa wood and chewing gum?

First Tarvaris Jackson needed to learn the offense, then he needed to get comfortable, now he needs time to recover from the knee sprain. How many FG’s does the best team in the NFL without a QB have to kick before people stop making excuses and just him as the Kordell Stewart II experience? He’s not a QB, he’s a featured back.

But the only thing worse than having a running QB who can’t pass (see Jackson, T.) is a passing QB who can neither run nor pass. Herman Edwards, the sandlot called, they want Brodie Croyle back. How did Croyle get an NFL roster spot, much less a starting job? I wouldn’t want that guy QB’ing a wheelchair team. The wheelchair guys would roll all over him.

Raven ravers are wacko for Flacco. How can you not give it up for this guy? He delivered, and with not much notice. Sure, it gets a lot harder real soon for Joe, and yes it’s only one game. Still, he has a memory that’s hard to top.

Matty Ice announced that the Falcons have a QB for the first time this millennium. Now that Home Depot is a memory, maybe Arthur Blank is doing some critical thinking before he writes checks larger than the GDP of third world countries.  Don’t crown Ryan just yet, but the guy has it. Having Michael Turner as a pair of handcuffs never hurts either. Now if he can just convince the Atlanta wideouts that the ball is not a UFO.

Jeff Garcia’s hurt and out for week 2. He missed almost all of training camp with an injury. He’s 38. He’s undersized. He winds up for three yard outs. He doesn’t understand why the Bucs didn’t give him an extension. Really, I’m not kidding. He doesn’t understand.

Big Ben won big. Big Ben has an injury. Three years ago, I said the biggest challenge with this guy would be keeping him healthy. Bring back Tommy “Gun” Maddox!!!

Finally, write this down: Peyton Manning was not ready to play on Sunday. Somewhere, somehow (Mr. Irsay), the message came in that; if he could crawl, he was starting the first game in the house that Peyton built. Manning gets props for toughing it out, but he was as far off his game as I’ve ever seen. My fear is that he’s having chronic infection issues with that knee. Nothing else explains the lingering problems from a very minor procedure. How many times have we heard of players losing seasons or even careers to staph infections? For Manning’s and the game’s sake, I hope he recovers fully and quickly. I used to detest manning, but that SB win did something for him. Ever since, he’s been humble and self effacing. A few of his commercials are hilarious too.

The Playoffs

IND/BAL

Were you as shocked as I was? On 3rd and goal with a minute remaining, Peyton Manning just fell on the turf so Adam Vinatieri could kick his fifth FG to go up by nine. Sure, it was the safe call, but this was after all, the NFL poster boy, king of media hype, regular season legend, Peyton Manning. You mean you don't let him take a shot at the end zone? No.

No you don't. And what I saw yesterday led me to believe that Tony Dungy was actually coaching the Colts, instead of deferring to Manning. It was a nice change. I'm thinking that Dungy has learned from the example of Mike Shanahan (managing John Elway) who knew: 1. You very rarely win playoff games without running the ball 2. When your QB has a history of choking, you don't put the ball in his hands if you don't have put the ball in his hands. Deep down, I kind of root for long suffering chokers, except Marty Schottenheimer, and I secretly hope that Manning finds a way to break the "yeah but" curse. I also know that if it meant winning a SB, he'd be just fine if the Colts kicked nothing but FG's the rest of the way.

It also merits mention that you can't win solely on defense. I told a friend earlier this week that I didn't think the Ravens would get past the Colts because I have no faith in Steve McNair come January. McNair's record in his last six playoff games before last night, 2-4. Now he's 2-5. McNair is not a smart QB. As a matter of fact, he rivals Mike Vick for the slowest brain ever at the position, and dumb guys don't win playoff games. McNair stupidly jammed the game killing pick into the hands of the Colts. Where was all of his veteran leadership then? I don't which was more ridiculous, McNair's pick or Ray Lewis' Halloween costume in the post game press conference.

 
NO/PHI

The Saints are a well coached team. The Eagles came out on fire last night, almost knocking out Reggie Bush early, taking a few leads and playing ferocious D. But Bush and the Saints were resilient and poised all night long. These teams were very evenly matched and when that is the case, the difference is coaching. What does that say about the veteran, Andy Reid. He's a one speed coach, a la Bill Cowher, who can't elevate his team come January. I felt terrible for Jeff Garcia who played his heart out and at 36 or 37 will likely have few if any chances to take a team to the SB again.

Can the Saints win out? I don't think so. For some unthinkable reason, I still believe in Rex Grossman and the Bears.

The Coaching

The truth is beginning to come out in Pittsburgh. Ever since Art Rooney Jr. made the remark that "it's about time we won our fifth SB" bfore the 2005 training camp I knew Bill Cowher's time was short. If the obvious distance between Cowher and Art Jr. at Cowher's resignation (not retirement) PC wasn't enough, now the word from a Cowher confidant is that "it didn't have to end like this". This only makes me more sure than ever, that Art Jr. only needed one disaster follow up to a SB miracle to push the slobbering goon out the door. At some point or another, word will get out that Art Jr. grew tired of the cheerleading act and the postseason disasters  and paved the way for Cowher's exit.

The Pittsburgh press is throwing Cowher a bone by saying the Steelers are interviewing Chandler Gailey at Cowher's recommendation. Gailey was the guy who would have replaced Cowher in 1998 had Danny boy done the right thing and fired him back when he should have.
 

Just when you think Arthur Blank has learned his lesson, he hires a project to coach a failure. When you look at Mike Vick's career, it so closely mirrors that of Kordell Stewart it's amazing. And we all know how it ended up for Korkie. If the Falcons wanted a last crack at developing Vick, the best choice was undoubtedly Ken Whisenhunt. Whiz is adept at getting favorable matchups, without sophisticated in-play adjustments, which plays to Vick's very limited mentality. And Whiz has NFL experience. Who was the last college coach to make a successful transition to the NFL? Jimmy Johnson, 17 years ago.  My guess is that Blank just wanted a puppet coach so he can try to run the team from the press box. It doesn't matter though, more freedom for Vick is just extra rope with which to hang himself.

I'm not sure that Raider and Cradinal fans even care who coaches their teams as long as the departing coaches are gone. Denny Green and Art Shell are the poster children for the lobby to discontinue affirmative action.  Have  you ever seen two more clueless idiots  on an NFL  sideline.  Both teams would have been better off if the ballboy's had taken over.

So Nick Saban took the guaranteed money and ran. So what. Players do this all the time and no one questions it. Yes, Saban handled it poorly with the press, what else is new? When did Saban ever handle the press well? The guy took a cushy job for a lot of money, and will be in control of almost all aspects of his coaching destiny instead of pandering to crybaby prima donnas. Tough choice, huh?

The Rumors

There was some talk that, if Garcia took the Eagles deep, Philly might trade McNabb to Minnesota. I doubt this. But not because McNabb is the better QB, especially for the WC system. As a matter of fact, watching Garcia run the Eagles offense has been a thing of beauty, and watching McNabb jammed into a dink and dunk offense with his cannon arm and incredible physical gifts has been excruciating at times. But if the Eagles unload the injury prone McNabb, and I think they should, their first job is to draft a QB, because the diminutive Garcia is always one good hit away from retirement and not to far away from Social Security either. My guess is they keep McNabb and Garcia for one more season and try to get a better, younger fit for the WC, like Matt Schaub.

Herm Edwards is growing less and less confident in Trent Green. His threat to scrap the playbook and firing a close friend of Green, assistant John Shea, is evdience of that. But this why Edwards will never take a team deep in January. Don't get me wrong, Chief fans, I love Edwards as a person. But he's kidding himself if he thinks it's anyone's fault but his that the Chefs didn't have a better regular and post season. Edwards brought back Green too early and stuck with him too long. The Chefs were your typical sixth seed, a team that got lucky late and didn't deserve to be in the postseason. Edwards kidded himself about that too.

Will Bill Parcells stay in Dallas? Who cares. Parcells is obviously well past his prime but has assembled some excellent talent. Jerry Jones would be smart to keeep Parcells on where he belongs, as GM. Except that's the job Jerry thinks he's doing. 

Will Marty retire if he wins the SB? The answer is the same as what I'll do if I win the lotto. Why not discuss what society will do to handle the cleanup when Pigs start flying? Who are we kidding here. Cowher managed to dump a 15-1 season in the ####, what on earth makes anyone think that Chokenheimer can't burn a 14-2 season to the ground in January. 

It started happening a few years back. Cars named after birds or cities or pointy things just weren’t exciting enough anymore. Even with some nice changes in sheet metal, “noun” cars weren’t generating the heat they used to generate.  Names like Chevy’s Camaro, Chrysler’s Caravan, Ford’s Escort, Cadillac’s Coup DeVille, Pontiac’s Grand (insert name here), Nissan’s Sentra and Mazda’s Miata were sent to the bone yard for some silly sounding replacements. Now we have the Dodge Intrepid, the Ford Focus, the Chevy Cobalt, the Nissan Altima, the Toyota Prius, and wait we still have the Miata. Saving the Miata, though, is a lot like sinking a ship full of gold coins and being able to recover the sea rations.

It’s bad enough to have to deal with all this car name silliness, but it gets worse. A few times each year the average guy, aka you and me, is forced to watch the athlete of the moment drive off with an MVP award and a new “insert luxury manufacturer name here” SUV. Even with the silly names, we can’t have one, at least not yet anyway.

If I had my way, I’d not only name the new vehicles but I’d also pick the athletes to drive them. After all, who is more likely to buy new cars than today’s highly paid athlete. So I thought it might be fun to share my new car names and the jocks who should pilot them.

The VW Virgin-From the company that partnered with Porsche to make an SUV and then named it the Toe-Rag, we get the Virgin. It’s the first logical name for a VW since the Rabbit. After all, maybe people who drive VW’s aren’t all virgins, but they sure look like they should be.

Who drives a Virgin? Shawn Bradley, that’s who. The guy has a wife and kids and still manages to look like he couldn’t score if he was shooting point blank into an open net.

The Pontiac Pout-Named for its stiff maneuvers and sluggish behavior, the Pout is the choice of athletes who don’t get the ball as much as they want it. Who drives a Pout? No, not TO, but you're close. Long before TO was wrecking chemistry like a 12 year old with a flask and a Bunsen burner, Keyshawn Johnson made MeShawn a household name. Besides, TO doesn’t pout. TO is way too vocal for that. That’s why he drives a . . . . . . . .

Toyota Tantrum-The Tantrum combines 4 wheel, shift on the whine, drive a roaring DOHC 8 cylinder engine, and six-speed automatic transmission to make petulant protestations as easy as a Sunday drive. Plus, there’s a 3^rd seat standard for those full on thrashers.

The Dodge Debacle-The debacle is the gold standard in headroom, legroom, billowy upholstery, road isolation, and a ride that feels so smooth, you almost forget that you were a few minutes from a crushing 3-0 lead over the Miami Heat when your team quit on you. You got it. Dirk Nowitzki drives a debacle.

Infiniti Temporary-The Temporary (pardon the pun) is made for the man who wants people to know that he’s arrived, but that he might not be staying. Everything’s standard with the Temporary. Even your first three license plate transfers and conversion to NY or California emissions when your deal runs out, or LA finally gets smart and unloads Kobe, is included in the sticker.

LeBron James drives a Temporary, Carmelo Anthony drives a Temporary. Heck, Dwyane Wade is thinking about a Temporary, depending on how much Shaq weighs next preseason. 

Nissan Notquite-The Notquite is an intriguing ride. It’s not quite a Honda or Toyota, but then again it’s not quite a Chevy or Ford either. Who else but Albert Pujols would drive the Notquite? He could hit 75 homers, never even think about steroids and still be not quite as beloved as Mark McGwire in St. Louis. And it's notquite ready, so here's a peek.

 

Chrysler Crybaby-Chrysler’s partnership with Mercedes has yielded some excellent upgrades but none as wonderful as this. The Crybaby is the first vehicle ever to be soundproofed from the inside. But don’t look for one anytime soon, this luxury sedan is available only in limited release and only for sale to Seattle Seahawk coaches and fans.

 

Honda Fonda- For every aging superstar who just refuses to go gentle into that good night, the Fonda is the ride of choice for the star who thinks he’s got one more “On Golden Pond” season in him before he flames out altogether.

The Fonda is luxuriously equipped with power assisted everything (for those weak, achy joints), a six-cylinder turbocharged engine whose turbocharger doesn’t quite engage like it used to, and dual wheezing exhaust pipes. Who drives a Fonda? Roger Clemens? No. Shaquille O’Neal? No. Is there any athlete out there more qualified to be in Honda than Mark Brunell? Yes, Kurt Warner.

Porsche Chokester-The Chokester is the best that powerful, sleek, sporty underperformance has to offer. ESPN's favorite son is not all aesthetics though. With a 0-60mph run of never, the Chokester clocks the first 50mph in just less than 4 seconds and hits a screaming, bone jarring stall before the finish.

The Chokester is the car of choice for all those rich New England preppies and roughneck hills of Pittsburgh fans as well, because as long as Peyton Manning is driving a Chokester, January is gonna be a great month.

Jaguar X-Wife 3- At a base price just under $40K, and free maintenance for the life of the car, the X-Wife 3 spells affordable luxury for all those aging jocks who crossed the altar more frequently than the championship finish line that would have made all those alimony payments manageable.  True, it looks more like a Buick than Jag, and it drives more like a Ford than the legendary classic, but at least it has the cat on the hood and that’s something.

Who drives the X-Wife 3? That guy who married Tawny Kitaen, whatever his name is? I think it was Chuck Finley.

 

 

Ford Frustration-Like the Chrysler Crybaby, the Ford Frustration is not available to most of us. Ford’s answer to Lamborghini and Ferrari is powered by a 12 cyl, dohc, 450 hp rocket. With a 6 speed manual transmission and Lotus suspension, The Frustration is  the perfect ride for those who want a quick suicide run to end to the “I just can’t take losing anymore” blues. So you can’t have one unless you’ve done yeoman service for a perennial loser or bridesmaid.

Who drives the Frustration? Bill Cowher was lucky enough to cancel his order last February, but Marty Schottenheimer already has two. 

Cadillac CrackDealer-Simply put, it’s the most tricked out, pimped-up, bling-blinged, dropped down ride in the bizzizzness. The CrackDealer doesn’t just have rims, it has gold rims with platinum rims on its rims. DirecTV is standard, with eight headrest and two ceiling mounted flat screen monitors. This Caddy not only has heated leather seats, it has cooled leather seats for those potentially sticky summer exits.  And just when you thought #### fab couldn’t get more fab, just press down and slide out those front and rear dual Cristal Holders. As one owner (name withheld due to probation) said, “####’s got a dashboard microwave and a DJ in the back”.

And the great news is, you don’t have to be a crack dealer to drive one, you just have to look like a crack dealer. He drives, rather is driven, in a Bentley, but come on Allen Iverson, you know you want one. With a rap sheet like this, is there any other car for you?

 

Allen Iverson

Criminal trespass, felony, two counts

Criminal conspiracy, felony, one count

Violation of the Uniform Firearms Act, felony, one count

Violation of the Uniform Firearms Act, misdemeanor, one count

Simple assault, misdemeanor, two counts

Terroristic threats, misdemeanor, two counts

Unlawful restraint, misdemeanor, two counts

False imprisonment, misdemeanor, two counts

Possession of an instrument of crime, misdemeanor, one count

 

Chevy Cheeseburger- The motto for this ride has to be “It’s about time”. It’s about time that the manufacturer that gives away mediocre cars like Famous Amos sells chocolate chip cookies just caved in and used an equally generic name for their rides. The CB will be as ambiguous and omnipresent as every Chevy before it. But soon this vehicle will be the heartbeat of American mediocrity. Why? Well there’s nothing very good about it, and it still enlists the 1980’s rehash of 1970’s Chevy technology, but who doesn’t want a cheeseburger?

For every mediocre baseball player who couldn’t cross the Mendoza line, for every 11^th guy on an NBA roster, for all the 53^rd guys on NFL rosters, there’s a Cheeseburger. And for those guys who actually got into the game there’s an upgrade coming. Chevy’s Z-44 Bacon Cheeseburger is due out in ’07.

Lexus Loafer-Lexus has finally forsaken its numbers and letters for the new flagship, the king-sized, luxury line Loafer. For every player who has ever taken a play, a series, a game or even a season off, the Loafer will get them where they’re going, if they even care where they’re going since they went in the tank a long time ago.

It’s no CrackDealer, the Loafer takes refined luxury to new heights. With its “navigation to nowhere” GPS, and soothing environmental sound system, the Loafer leads its passengers on peaceful, seemingly endless journey through seasons of discontent. Finally, a car for Randy Moss.

BMW 760 ME- This car was simply made for one man. No really, one NBA player had his agent contact BMW because he loves the upwardly mobile legacy of BMW but felt the driver customization options of the I-drive system were way too flexible any car he was driving. The answer, BMW redesigned a whole series just for Kobe Bryant.

The 760 ME, won’t let you adjust your seats, your mirrors, your climate control, your stereo stations, or anything else for that matter. And it only lets you leave your hotel under the cover of darkness. You drive it like Kobe drives it, or not at all. Of course Jerry Buss and Mitch Kupchak already have one, even though Buss’ sits in the garage because he can’t reach the pedals. But Phil Jackson? Well he’s rumored to have one, but we’ll see if he’s actually driving it in the next couple of years.

Land Rover Roid-Rage-Did we save the best (or worst) for last. For years, Rover has staked a claim on the most overpriced SUV in the game. And Rover doesn’t care if it misses out on the new money, the up and comers, and the ghettofabulous market. They just keep making the same bland, boring, underpowered dinosaurs, and selling them to too rich, but unpretentious upper-middle Americans, based on the fact that their cars really can go anywhere safely. But that’s all about to change.The car maker that doesn’t need you, want you or care about you is finally peddling to someone.  Anabolicly altered athletes will soon be slamming themselves into the front seats of Rovers everywhere. With its super tempered punch proof  window glass, anger sensitive gas pedal governor, and anti-ram brakes, the Roid Rage hedges its bets that back acne covered, puffy joweled, pulsing neck veined home-run hitters will see that it pays for itself many times over in personal injury lawsuit savings alone.

Mark McGwire doesn’t have one. He’s lost 75lbs for some strange reason and is too weak to drive a Roid-Rage now. Jose Canseco? No. He can’t afford the $400k price tag, so he’s driving the Jaguar X-Wife 3. Rafael Palmiero? No. He drives the new Hummer #### (insert Viagra joke here). But Barry Bonds is the perfect fit for the Roid-Rage. The guy who doesn’t need, want or care about the fans is perfectly aligned with the car maker who doesn’t need, want or care about us either. And the good news is, even though he’s going to be spending millions to keep from hitting 715 HR’s for his cell-block softball team, Bonds has been making so much money for so long that he can afford more legal fees than OJ and Kobe combined and still drive a Roid-Rage, when he gets out at least. 

Of course I’m just scratching the surface here. I never even got to the Hummer, or the Lamborghini’s, Lotuses and Ferrari’s of the world. But there’s always another blog, and there are new superstars and car models being made every day. As you hear so often in sports, we'll get 'em next year.