What’s the over under on David Garrard turning back into the pumpkin that couldn’t win a starting job (for how many seasons)? I’m betting 4 games until it happens and 9 games until the PC avengers admit it. No question, Garrard had a dream season last year, but really now. Funny how talking heads were still calling Tom Brady a game manager after he’d won three SB’s, but they heap praise on a one year wonder with the best 1-2 running punch in the NFL. Now that Jax is missing two guards, MJD is starting slow and Fred Taylor seems to be coping with some issues, we saw what happens when Garrard has to win games by himself. He doesn’t.

One can’t help but feel for Tom Brady, and despise Bill Belichick.  Brady’s never been a bruiser, and I had long sensed he was due for a big hurt. Still, no one wants to see a player hurt. I don’t know if Belichick’s arrogance is tolerable anymore, though. It’s not the “life goes on” act he sells to the press that gets me. It’s the disservice he does to the fans by not looking for some insurance at the QB spot.  Sure Belichick wants to prove that he’s the reason NE has flourished, and to a large degree he is. But how many big winners (see Shula, D, and Noll, C.) floundered for a decade or so after they lost their hall of famers?

Yeah, Broadway Brett’s Jets beat the fish. So? Only the Dolphins lose on a Hail Mary. Besides, am I the only one who’s willing to admit that Pennington’s arm is made of balsa wood and chewing gum?

First Tarvaris Jackson needed to learn the offense, then he needed to get comfortable, now he needs time to recover from the knee sprain. How many FG’s does the best team in the NFL without a QB have to kick before people stop making excuses and just him as the Kordell Stewart II experience? He’s not a QB, he’s a featured back.

But the only thing worse than having a running QB who can’t pass (see Jackson, T.) is a passing QB who can neither run nor pass. Herman Edwards, the sandlot called, they want Brodie Croyle back. How did Croyle get an NFL roster spot, much less a starting job? I wouldn’t want that guy QB’ing a wheelchair team. The wheelchair guys would roll all over him.

Raven ravers are wacko for Flacco. How can you not give it up for this guy? He delivered, and with not much notice. Sure, it gets a lot harder real soon for Joe, and yes it’s only one game. Still, he has a memory that’s hard to top.

Matty Ice announced that the Falcons have a QB for the first time this millennium. Now that Home Depot is a memory, maybe Arthur Blank is doing some critical thinking before he writes checks larger than the GDP of third world countries.  Don’t crown Ryan just yet, but the guy has it. Having Michael Turner as a pair of handcuffs never hurts either. Now if he can just convince the Atlanta wideouts that the ball is not a UFO.

Jeff Garcia’s hurt and out for week 2. He missed almost all of training camp with an injury. He’s 38. He’s undersized. He winds up for three yard outs. He doesn’t understand why the Bucs didn’t give him an extension. Really, I’m not kidding. He doesn’t understand.

Big Ben won big. Big Ben has an injury. Three years ago, I said the biggest challenge with this guy would be keeping him healthy. Bring back Tommy “Gun” Maddox!!!

Finally, write this down: Peyton Manning was not ready to play on Sunday. Somewhere, somehow (Mr. Irsay), the message came in that; if he could crawl, he was starting the first game in the house that Peyton built. Manning gets props for toughing it out, but he was as far off his game as I’ve ever seen. My fear is that he’s having chronic infection issues with that knee. Nothing else explains the lingering problems from a very minor procedure. How many times have we heard of players losing seasons or even careers to staph infections? For Manning’s and the game’s sake, I hope he recovers fully and quickly. I used to detest manning, but that SB win did something for him. Ever since, he’s been humble and self effacing. A few of his commercials are hilarious too.

His Most Humble . . . .

So Mike Vick manufactures an act of contrition, and a press, worried about looking "judgmental" and "racist" describes the act as a "good first step". I'm not so sure.

I can't be the only one who noticed how desperately uncomfortable the, formerly "above the law",  ex-QB looked in making his first  relevant statement to the public since the story broke. He looked about as humble as Donald Trump's comb-over.

Sure he cited the three musts from "contrition for dummies" handbook. "Accept responsibility, found Jesus, ask forgiveness . . . ." but even those bare necessities sounded canned and disingenuous coming from a sedate(d) soft-spoken, Ron Mexico.

So pardon me, kids, if I'm not floating on the raft of #### Vick just set adrift. Just because he's managed to stop himself from flippping the bird at the fans and society in general, doesn't mean I believe he's on a mission from God now. The only think Vick has ever been able to fake was being an NFL QB.

Guys I'm Pulling For . . . .

Duante Culpepper

Hating the Raiders as only a Steeler fan can, it's hard to cop to cheering for any Raider. But I can't be more hopeful for anyone in the NFL than Duante Culpepper. Yes, Culpepper underperformed a huge deal in Minnysoda, and got the eight train. But what happened to him in Miami was unbelievably unfair. Regardless of the notion that Culpepper is a streaky QB whose streaks seem to last entire seasons, I've always loved his bazooka arm and his athletic ability. Aside from that, this Jamarcus Russel saga is bordering on insanity. The guy's never taken a snap and he's holding out over bonus money? For Culpepper's sake. I hope Russell continues his bizarre combination of idiocy and greed until Duante has at least enough time to prove that Miami was a fiasco.

Joey, formerly Joseph, (aka Joey) Harrington

While I'm not necessarily a Harrington believer, could a QB land in two worse spots than Detroit and Miami recently? Besides, I'd like nothing more than seeing the Falcons emerge from the ####-storm Vick tossed on them, to become a competitive franchise by playing an actual QB at QB. Maybe Harrington got what he deserved, maybe he just sucks. But no franchise and no city full of fans should be punished to death for putting their faith in a player who chose to immediatley and repeatedly #### on them.

Add to that the fact that Harrington, by a shade, is a better QB over his career than Vick, and gets sacked less often. Atlanta and the rest of NFL fans need to accept the reality that QB position does not require re-inventing. Every QB who the media ever labeled as re-inventing the position re-invented themselves out of a job.

What a wonderful lesson to be learned if the Falcons survive and even thrive with a QB at QB.

Guys I wish would stay home . . . . .

Priest Holmes

Don't get me wrong, It's impossible to dislike Priest Holmes as a man or a ball player. But at this point, you have to ask; why? KC is not a SB contender, and the odds priest would be released (if he even makes the roster) to sign with a contender are minimal. But the odds that he could be seriously injured in game action are high enough to wonder what is driving this man. As a RB, he has nothing to prove. As a competitor, he has nothing to prove. And I haven't heard that he's run out of money . . . .

What frightens me is the mere possibility that one of the NFL's class acts and former best talents will take just one more hit. One more that stops him from leaving the field for the last time, under his own power. That's something I'd rather not see happen.

I never played pro-ball, but I suited in High-School. I still remember the click-clack of those cleats on the cement, the sense of invincibility one gets when donning the pads and helmet, and the absolute thrill of performing for the folks cheering you on. i can only imagine how hard it is to move on from the biggest stage, in the niggest game in pro sports. I hear the longing in Sterling Sharpe's voice every time I see him on TV, his career cut short by a neck problem. But then I think of the late Darryl Stingley and it makes me wish Priest would move on.

Vinny Interceptaverde

Oh please. What is this guy, 65 now. So he's played in every decade since Edison invented the light bulb, big deal. I get the feeling Belichick keeps inviting him back for doing time with him in Cleveland . I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. You can get a much younger, 2nd rate QB to play 3rd fidlle for a lot less money than a 73-year veteran. And he'll probably throw fewer game busting picks.

That's what kills me about VinnyT. It's not like he's some wise old sage, whose best days are behind him. He's a sorry old choker whose best days were in high school. I mean this is the guy Jimmy Johnson benched for the National Championship game because he tore up his leg on a motor scooter the weekend before the match. This is the guy who never met a choke he didn't like.

Bill, if Jimmy from South Park were here he'd say, "it's like, come on".

And it is Bill. "It's like, come on".

One of my favorite NFL Network Commercials is the "time to get your story straight" ad. The one where they show the pre-season commentary from everyday fans that ends up completely backwards. Statements like, "Mark my words, this is Cleveland's year" come to mind.

Nonetheless, I have the same right to go out on a limb and embarass myself too. So with that in mind, I'm going to post my crow now and eat it later. So here are my predictions for noteworthy developments in the upcoming season of the greatest show on turf. (The NFL, not just the Rams).

McNabb McChoked

1. Donovan McNabb is auditioning for his next team. With a rash of injuries, hurried rehab, no contract extension, and huge cap numbers looming, McChoke is a ghost in Philly. Don't be surprised is Dumbavan struggles early and Felly/Kolb start splitting reps by week 3. Reid has ultimate confidence in Feeley. His decision to bench him for the playoffs a few years back cost the Birds a SB shot.

2. John Gruden will be the next big name coach to be fired. Tony Dungy's SB win last year solidified the fact that Gruden was a recipient of the Switzer (formerly known as the Seifert) Trophy in Tampa. That's the award you win when the coach before you builds a championship team that could win a SB with a blow up doll at HC. Gruden has put his stamp on the Bucs like Seifert did or the Panthers. Just remember, Jon, when you have seven QB's, you have no QB.

3. The Colts will not repeat. Their personnel losses mean they will score fewer points and other teams will score more points.

4. That "Write In" SB Trophy for the Pats is premature. The Pats have serious questions at RB and LB, two positions that tend to mean a great deal to playoff teams. Besides, Randy Moss never makes a team better. The fact that the Pats decided to retool via spending spree is a departure from what made them great anyway.

5. The Vikes are in serious trouble offensively. To paraphrase ex-ESPN analyst Joe Theismann; "the problem with having Tavaris Jackson as your QB is that Tavaris Jackson is your QB". The only thing more frightening than a season with Jackson under center is half a season with Brooks Bollinger under center.

6. Priest Holmes will come back successfully. Will he be the Priest of old, maybe not quite. Will he make Larry Johnson trade bait? Yes.

7. Just like Bill Cowher used to coach great teams into mediocrity, Norv Turner will coach a very good team into ineptitude. The wheels may not come completely off this year in SD, but if the Chargers win ten and even sneak into the second season, it will be a blessing to the town that gave us Jimmy Durante.

8. The same Dallas Cowboys who cursed Parcells on the way out the door, will be wishing for another new coach after ten weeks of Wade Phillips. Wade is not a winning HC. Watching him mishandle the talent that Parcells assembled in Dallas is going to be ugly. Jerry Jones is starting to look more and more like Dan Snyder every day.

9. The fear of the QB formerly known as "Joey" in Atlanta is earth-shattering overkill. Harrington has slightly better career stats than his predecessor and is sacked far less often. Few people bother to remember that, despite the NFL's best run game by a wide margin, Vick is the most sacked QB in the NFL. Sacks kill drives and give field position away, kids. With a QB at QB, even "Joseph", the ShitBirds are immediately better off offesnively.

Mike Vick's Next Training Camp

10. Mike Vick no longer possesses that "escapability" that NFL announcers so often waxed about. (Actually, if you look at Vick's sacks per attempt, even nearly-crippled Peyton Manning has much better "escapability".) Vicks' real escapability, though will start to be tested Monday, when at least one of his co-defendants will plea-out and (without doubt) offer replete and damning testimony on Ron Mexico's leadership in his dog-killing ring. He did esacpe one thing though, his Nike Contract.

11. Vince Young will struggle as teams begin to employ the Cunningham/Stewart/Vick defense against him. Despite the Tacks excellent ground game, Young will be forced to become effective from the pocket. I'm not saying he won;t learn how to play the position in the NFL, but his real learning curve wil decelerate as teams get to know him.

12. The Panthers will continue to be overrated. I don't need to explain this.

13. JaMarcus Russell is already benched until year two. With no contract in sight, the guy who most needs TC on the team that most needs a QB, can not even dare to play him this year. He'd have a better rookie year if the RayDuhs put him in a giant blender.

14. Nobody cares if Michael Strahan holds out. He's an aging star on a team in transition at many skill positions. Coughlin is done and Bil Cowher will either end up here or in Cleveland depending on Romeo Crennel's progress.

15. The Cro-Magnon in a cheerleader suit returns. Just when we thought cerebral guys like Mike Nolan were the new wave of HC's, look for some "I wanna win now" owner to hire the Missing Link to continue the commitment to mediocrity he pioneered in Pittsburgh. I truly believe that Cowher will end up in Cleveland, though. He's a Schotty Disciple from the Brown days, played ball there and knows like no one else, how to lose big games at home. The fit is perfect. It's clear that Al Lerner knows a good deal more about window-shopping than trap-blocking. Don't rule out Dan Snyder, though. I think Gibbs will finally admit that he never regained the edge he lost before his first retirement.

16. Matt Schaub will make the Texans better. Unfortunatley, that means they'll be mediocre.

17. The Steelers will have some growing pains under Mike Tomlin. It's likely that part of the transition will see the Steelers shedding  overpriced, over-the-hill and underperforming LB's like Farrior and Haggans along with the 52 Defense Cowher adored for so long. Don't be surprised to see a lot more 4-3 looks right away with either Woodley or Timmons in a 3-point stance, and eventually the combination of Timmons and Woodley on the outside with Harrison in the middle of a 4-3 alignment.

18. Byron Leftwich will play his last season in JAX. Despite DelRio's politically correct speak, he's clearly not a Leftwich believer. I don't think he's a Garrard believer either. The Jags aren't convinced Culpepper will ever be healthy, though. Don't be shocked if Jake Plummer ends up in Jagland, or the Jags draft a young QB and sign a make-due vet next year.

Old enough to QB, but can't buy beer.

19. The big problem in KC is not LJ, it's BC. Handing the QB job to a guy whose had two incredible preseasons is a risk. Handing the job to a guy whose had two pretty good preseasons is a symptom of psychosis. Hasn't Herm Edwards learned that the QB does matter. Did he forget about his job with the Jets?

20. Trent Green will start in Miami and get hurt again. Who's backing him up again? It may as well be Joey Porter, because Porter will at least enjoy running his mouth in the huddle.

Those are just a few insights into what I'm expecting in NFL 2007.

Let's hear your thoughts

 

The Playoffs

IND/BAL

Were you as shocked as I was? On 3rd and goal with a minute remaining, Peyton Manning just fell on the turf so Adam Vinatieri could kick his fifth FG to go up by nine. Sure, it was the safe call, but this was after all, the NFL poster boy, king of media hype, regular season legend, Peyton Manning. You mean you don't let him take a shot at the end zone? No.

No you don't. And what I saw yesterday led me to believe that Tony Dungy was actually coaching the Colts, instead of deferring to Manning. It was a nice change. I'm thinking that Dungy has learned from the example of Mike Shanahan (managing John Elway) who knew: 1. You very rarely win playoff games without running the ball 2. When your QB has a history of choking, you don't put the ball in his hands if you don't have put the ball in his hands. Deep down, I kind of root for long suffering chokers, except Marty Schottenheimer, and I secretly hope that Manning finds a way to break the "yeah but" curse. I also know that if it meant winning a SB, he'd be just fine if the Colts kicked nothing but FG's the rest of the way.

It also merits mention that you can't win solely on defense. I told a friend earlier this week that I didn't think the Ravens would get past the Colts because I have no faith in Steve McNair come January. McNair's record in his last six playoff games before last night, 2-4. Now he's 2-5. McNair is not a smart QB. As a matter of fact, he rivals Mike Vick for the slowest brain ever at the position, and dumb guys don't win playoff games. McNair stupidly jammed the game killing pick into the hands of the Colts. Where was all of his veteran leadership then? I don't which was more ridiculous, McNair's pick or Ray Lewis' Halloween costume in the post game press conference.

 
NO/PHI

The Saints are a well coached team. The Eagles came out on fire last night, almost knocking out Reggie Bush early, taking a few leads and playing ferocious D. But Bush and the Saints were resilient and poised all night long. These teams were very evenly matched and when that is the case, the difference is coaching. What does that say about the veteran, Andy Reid. He's a one speed coach, a la Bill Cowher, who can't elevate his team come January. I felt terrible for Jeff Garcia who played his heart out and at 36 or 37 will likely have few if any chances to take a team to the SB again.

Can the Saints win out? I don't think so. For some unthinkable reason, I still believe in Rex Grossman and the Bears.

The Coaching

The truth is beginning to come out in Pittsburgh. Ever since Art Rooney Jr. made the remark that "it's about time we won our fifth SB" bfore the 2005 training camp I knew Bill Cowher's time was short. If the obvious distance between Cowher and Art Jr. at Cowher's resignation (not retirement) PC wasn't enough, now the word from a Cowher confidant is that "it didn't have to end like this". This only makes me more sure than ever, that Art Jr. only needed one disaster follow up to a SB miracle to push the slobbering goon out the door. At some point or another, word will get out that Art Jr. grew tired of the cheerleading act and the postseason disasters  and paved the way for Cowher's exit.

The Pittsburgh press is throwing Cowher a bone by saying the Steelers are interviewing Chandler Gailey at Cowher's recommendation. Gailey was the guy who would have replaced Cowher in 1998 had Danny boy done the right thing and fired him back when he should have.
 

Just when you think Arthur Blank has learned his lesson, he hires a project to coach a failure. When you look at Mike Vick's career, it so closely mirrors that of Kordell Stewart it's amazing. And we all know how it ended up for Korkie. If the Falcons wanted a last crack at developing Vick, the best choice was undoubtedly Ken Whisenhunt. Whiz is adept at getting favorable matchups, without sophisticated in-play adjustments, which plays to Vick's very limited mentality. And Whiz has NFL experience. Who was the last college coach to make a successful transition to the NFL? Jimmy Johnson, 17 years ago.  My guess is that Blank just wanted a puppet coach so he can try to run the team from the press box. It doesn't matter though, more freedom for Vick is just extra rope with which to hang himself.

I'm not sure that Raider and Cradinal fans even care who coaches their teams as long as the departing coaches are gone. Denny Green and Art Shell are the poster children for the lobby to discontinue affirmative action.  Have  you ever seen two more clueless idiots  on an NFL  sideline.  Both teams would have been better off if the ballboy's had taken over.

So Nick Saban took the guaranteed money and ran. So what. Players do this all the time and no one questions it. Yes, Saban handled it poorly with the press, what else is new? When did Saban ever handle the press well? The guy took a cushy job for a lot of money, and will be in control of almost all aspects of his coaching destiny instead of pandering to crybaby prima donnas. Tough choice, huh?

The Rumors

There was some talk that, if Garcia took the Eagles deep, Philly might trade McNabb to Minnesota. I doubt this. But not because McNabb is the better QB, especially for the WC system. As a matter of fact, watching Garcia run the Eagles offense has been a thing of beauty, and watching McNabb jammed into a dink and dunk offense with his cannon arm and incredible physical gifts has been excruciating at times. But if the Eagles unload the injury prone McNabb, and I think they should, their first job is to draft a QB, because the diminutive Garcia is always one good hit away from retirement and not to far away from Social Security either. My guess is they keep McNabb and Garcia for one more season and try to get a better, younger fit for the WC, like Matt Schaub.

Herm Edwards is growing less and less confident in Trent Green. His threat to scrap the playbook and firing a close friend of Green, assistant John Shea, is evdience of that. But this why Edwards will never take a team deep in January. Don't get me wrong, Chief fans, I love Edwards as a person. But he's kidding himself if he thinks it's anyone's fault but his that the Chefs didn't have a better regular and post season. Edwards brought back Green too early and stuck with him too long. The Chefs were your typical sixth seed, a team that got lucky late and didn't deserve to be in the postseason. Edwards kidded himself about that too.

Will Bill Parcells stay in Dallas? Who cares. Parcells is obviously well past his prime but has assembled some excellent talent. Jerry Jones would be smart to keeep Parcells on where he belongs, as GM. Except that's the job Jerry thinks he's doing. 

Will Marty retire if he wins the SB? The answer is the same as what I'll do if I win the lotto. Why not discuss what society will do to handle the cleanup when Pigs start flying? Who are we kidding here. Cowher managed to dump a 15-1 season in the ####, what on earth makes anyone think that Chokenheimer can't burn a 14-2 season to the ground in January. 

We're halfway home. Or, as they say at Avis, "well not exactly". I mean, the regular season is really just prep for the season that really matters. But that said, we're deep enough into it to start to figure who's who and what's what. So here's a little look into what I saw yesterday (courtesy of NFL Sunday Ticket) and what it might mean going forward.

Brett Favre has made a deal with the Devil. He's the only guy who can throw two back-breaking takebacks in one game against a cellar dweller, and get lauded as a "true Champion" for running down the guy who picked him off. If I'm not mistaken, the announcer even gave Favre credit for the tackle, which Ahman Green actually made.

The Jaguars squeaked by a scrappy Titans gang, 37-7. Sarcasm aside, if only for a moment, there's a QB issue in JAX. (I refuse to call it a "controversy", that sounds so harsh) No I don't think that means that David Garrard necessarily unseats Sir Byron of Leftwich, but I do think that KAX better think long and hard about a big extension for their starting QB, and by "think" I mean, don't give him a big extension.

Terrell Owens in a Dallas Cowboys uni is beginning to remind me of Michael Irvin. No, not for playmaking ability. Irvin was clutch. I just think that Owens is on crack now, too. That sure TD drop Sunday was fatal. Owens, ever the opportunist piped up and said, I owe the Cowboys one. He does, one trip out of town, that is. If only Owens verbosity was diminishing at the same pace as his physical skills.

So yesterday's bizarre, wonderful finish has the Redskins on life support. Is there anything sadder than watching a once proud Joe Gibbs praying for his team's season?

After two stellar weeks, Ron Mexico fell to earth yesterday against the Lions. Up until this week, the Lions had developed the ugly habit of letting their opponents score just a few more points than they did in almost every game. This time, Ron had his Meximeltdown early and handed the Lions what would prove to be a gift victory. Like I said before, the guy just isn't a good QB, and until he becoems one (which he won't) ATL fans will be on a roller coaster until Vick gets someobody fired with his immaturity and excuse making.  Yes, he had two good games. But those two teams were free-falling. You had to have a feeling that Rod Marinelli would do to Vick what he always does to Vick, no matter where he was coaching.

Speaking of the Bengals, they're not that good. Here's why. Carson Palmer is not healthy. The Bengals rode Palmer to an 11-5 recrd last year, when he was playing lights out almost all season. No he's getting his lights punched out every week and Cincy is a .500 team. The good news is that Palmer will be healthy next year. If he lives to see next year.

The Chargers are 6-2 and look like they're on a roll. Then again, they've played three winning teams and lost to two of them. With a soft schedule ahead, the chargers could very well finish 12-4. But tell me now, what AFC contender isn't dying to draw a Schottenheimer team in their first playoff game?

Is there a QB issue in KC? No. The Old rule that "you don't lose your job to an injury" has gone the route of End Zone celebrations, there are no guarantees. Unless Herman Edwards has completely lost it, Damon Huard starts until Damon Huard falters.

So the Dolphins beat the Bears. Big deal. That was just the NFL Gods' way of setting the earth right after that Cardinals debacle. Thanks to Denny Green, it's damned near impossible for me to get through a piece with out threatening to "Crown" someone. But the Bears weren't going 16-0 anyway, and what better time to lose than after a 7-0 start. If the NFL Gods have taught us anything, it's not to play your best ball in September and October. That and a good eyebrow waxing isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Speaking of the Colts. they looked great last night, again. Have you ever seen a better regular season QB than Peyton Manning? I didn't think so.  Have you ever seen a better postseason QB than Manning? Okay. Have you ever seen 27 better postseason QB's than Manning. Come on, name 27 better, I dare 'ya.

I finally figured out why the NFL's poster boy does so poorly in January. Because the heavily publicized "student of the game" never got to study playoff action when his Dad was playing. Sure, he saw plenty of NFL action during weeks 1-16, but do you think the same crybaby, loser who refused to let his son play in SD, let his other son watch the playoffs he never made?

 

But the class of the AFC has me wondering if maybe it isn't Peyton's year. Right now it's the Chargers, Broncos and Colts. That means Schottenheimer, Jake the Quake, and Manning in January. Which means for the first time, no one will win and AFC playoff game. Oh wait, there's Baltimore. Gosh that sounds promising. The 6-2 Ravens are the only AFC team with a respectable postseason pedigree. With compeition like this, the only question is who Ray Lewis will kill before the big game this year.

Here's hoping that the Giants don't get that long awaited rematch with the Ravens in SB XLI. They did dispatch the Texans, yesterday and are clearly among the class of the NFC, but then again, the class of the NFC doesn't usually look that classy compared to the AFC.

We'll learn more about the Seahawks tonight. They face a semi-revitalized Raider squad tonight. Word is, Mike Holmgren is blaming NFL officials for injuries to Hasselbeck and Alexander.

And last but not least, the Dean of NFL Nitwits did it again. How do you top a throwing a flat 2-4 team out for a 5 turnover loss to a terrible team like the Raiders. You turn it over 6 times to a good team like the Broncos. Steelers faithful may be standing around watercoolers this morning concocting "A Tale of Two Seasons"  scenario right now; where the Steelers run the table and somehow sneak in for a title defense. But as Jimmy Johnson often says, by the mid-way point, you are what you are.

But before we stick a fork in the Super Bowl Chumps, lets plant that silverware precisely where it belongs, in the mush head of William Laird Cowher. No doubt, Cowher will come out blithering the same drivel as he always does after a pathetic performance. He'll talk about how a few luck bounces turn a 10-6 team into a 6-10 team. He'll take full responsibility and tell everyone he's "addressed" his out of control team and it won't happen again". And it won't happen again. It will get worse.

Here's why.

This team has real character problems. Joey Porter threatens an official and doesn't receive any team discipline. Why? Cowher has this "job for life" approach to his vets and coaches so afraid to lose that he won't sit a piece of trash like Porter. Forget the fact that Porter plays half a season, year in an year out. Forget the fact that he almost never shows up for the playoffs. Forget the fact that he's renowned for pregame shouting matches followed by in-game disappearances. Forget it all, but don't forget this. Most of Porter's BS has no place in the NFL, but threatening to injure an official? Porter should be fined and suspended, not given another cahnce to hurt the team like he did in Oakland. Sadly, the poison has spread to under-talented Larry Foote and even a once classy James Farrior.

And a "few bounces" is not four, five and six turnovers a game, Billy Boy. When you fumble once, that's bad luck. When your kick returner fumbles 50% of the chances he handles, that's bad coaching. Watching rookie reach Santonio Holmes field the ball like a hand grenade and tear into traffic carrying the rock like a loaf of bread is the kind of think you expect to see on a grainy, black and white junior high, highlight reel. By throwing this heart-attack back on the field again and again, Cowher has officially proven that his brain is every bit as chiseled as his jaw.

But wait, it gets worse. Roethlisberger still isn't healthy. He looks better some weeks than others, but the real mark that he hasn't recovered game shape is the fact that he's still quacking deep balls. It doesn't help that his RT keeps getting worked by every DL'er who has so much as a spin move, his RG plays like he ran out of insulin, his Center was getting manhandled by anyone who outweighed him by so much as a pound (until he got hurt), and his LT is throwing more "lookout" blocks than a getaway driver at a bank robbery, when he even bothers to block at all.

So Roethenberger, or Rothnisbergen, or whatever pronunciation Dan Marino creates next week is having his long overdue rookie year a little late. And the team he carried to the SB trophy has completely decompensated as a result. It was overdue. Pikers like Hines Ward and Larry Foote are not the stuff of which championships are made. Garbage like Joey Porter and Santonio Holmes are the stuff that losing football comes from, though. And the Dean of NFL Coaches has proven what we knew all along, he's alot more like Marty Schottenheimer than Chuck Noll. As Terry Bradshaw said of Schotty, Marty takes great teams and coaches them into mediocrity. Cowher has taken a SB Champion and coached the wheels off the wagon. If he's proven anything in his tenure, it's that he's much better accustomed to coping with failure than success.

Random Thoughts

 

The Falcons will learn two things today. One will be that they won’t be getting the calls and non-calls away from the friendly confines of the GeoDome; another is that it’s much harder to score TD’s when the opponent doesn’t hand you the ball in scoring position 3 times per game. Then again, maybe they won’t need all that help today.

The Saints will descend to earth at some point pretty soon. Maybe not against McNair and the Ravens, but soon.

 Matt Leinart is going to have real problems from here on. Denny Green has gone from killing good/great teams and now has completely devolved into a blithering ####, on National TV, no less. Add the hatchet job on his OC and the fact that the OL just doesn’t try very hard and Leinart has his work cut out for him. He must be spinning in bed at night knowing that his USC teams would have easily beaten Denny’s Cards.

 

Seattle shouldn’t be hurt too badly if Matt Hasselbeck is only gone for 3-4 weeks. With KC, Oakland, St. Louis, SF and Green Bay on the horizon, the Hawks have a chance to pad their record and Seneca Wallace can audition for free agency.

 I don’t know how good the AFCN is. At one point, I thought it was the best division in football. Now I don’t even know if the Bengals or Ravens could win a playoff game, and I won’t hazard a guess if the Steelers will finish 6-10 or 10-6.

 

Speaking of the Steelers, if they lose today, they’re dead. If they win today, they’re probably still dead. Cowher simply doesn’t know how to coach the big play players the Steelers have now. He’s a play it safe coach who has built a career managing pluggers. Now he’s got superbly gifted DB’s getting abused on soft zones, an OL that blocks for a slow-assed Bettis type rather than the guy back there, a QB who is still googy-headed,  and guys who are still celebrating SB XL because they didn’t get a chance in Detroit.  

Plaxico Burress called Terrell Owens a coward. Now that’s irony.

I used to think that Steve Smith was the most important player to his team, but he’s not. He couldn’t rescue his Panthers last week. The most important player to his team is Ben Roethlisberger. The Steelers will not contend without Roethlisberger playing at a very high level.

I’m ready to crown the Bears as NFC Champions. Seattle was just the best of weak lot last year.

 

For some reason, I think the Jags will beat the Eagles today. I felt the same way about the Bucs last week. Philly and especially McNabb simply aren’t ever as good as advertised. Besides, I’ve never been a fan of Leftwich, and I’m beginning to think that Jax should at least look at Garrard for a few games. Right now, anyone gives Jax a better chance to win than the Fatwich.

Why do I think that “Man Law” commercial that has guys “topping” each other’s beer bottles is so hilarious? I mean I can laugh for five minutes over that one.

 

Speaking of commercials, Chad Johnson’s “Boo No” to Stuart Scott of ESPN is priceless.  

 I’m not sure how good the AFCN is but I am sure how not good the NFCE is. Aside from the Manning and Hyde led Giants, is any of these teams going to win 10 games? I doubt it. Parcells has already come unglued in Dallas. The Eagles have begun inventing new ways to torture their fans. Washington? They keep blowing huge money on third wide receivers and throwaway free agents, then wondering why the offense can’t get it together.

The Pats are looking to redo 2001 this year, and everyone seems to be willing to ignore that they’re 5-1 while not having played well.

 

Shawne Merriman is being suspended for Steroids. The NFL should have a bad excuse policy to go along with their drug policy. Merriman would get an extra eight weeks off.

Guys I wish could have played longer

Terry Bradshaw-what’s going on with Roethlisberger right now reminds me of the one black eye the Steelers’ organization ever earned. In 1982 Bradshaw played with shoulder and abdominal injuries against the advice of his doctors and then injured his elbow overcompensating. It was awful watching him get booed off the field in the playoffs when his passes were looking more like Brian Sipe’s rag armed waffles than Bradshaw’s perfect tight spirals. The Steelers doctors tried to rush Bradshaw back in 1983 and his career was over. By the way Big Ben looked in weeks 2-4 he came back way too soon as well.

Lawrence Taylor-Glad as I am for Mike Strahan, it bothers me to think that someone would surpass the Real LT’s Giant sack record. Is there any question that, had Taylor been able to stay away from the rock, he would have been remembered as the greatest LB ever? Taylor might have been the greatest Defender ever or maybe even the greatest player ever. LT was a human explosion at the point of attack.

Bo Jackson-Even a diehard Steeler fan had to marvel at Bo. Jackson, in my mind, represents perhaps the only better combination of power and speed than possessed by Jim Brown. Unlike college stud RB’s that took great physical skills to the NFL and became mediocre RB’s, Jackson actually found another gear in the NFL. I’ll never forget watching him explode the original steroid freak, Brian Bosworth, that Monday night in Seattle. No offense to Walter Payton, Emmitt Smith and a few other greats, but Jackson is the only guy who could have been better than Jim Brown.

Guys I wish would just get out now

 

Steve McNair-In a league where superlatives get tossed around like Chips Ahoy, the adjective “warrior” and Steve McNair are forever linked. But McNair is not a warrior; he’s a football player who plays hurt. In the 1970’s they’d have called McNair something else, a starting QB. Bradshaw played 8 games with a broken wrist, Bert Jones started many games with broken ribs, Brian Sipe was always hurt, and Archie Manning was the inspiration for the term “questionable”.  Let’s face facts, kids. Just because a guy shows up for work when he’s being paid multimillions per season doesn’t make him a “warrior”. Warriors dodge gunfire and knife wounds, not zone blitzes.

Brett Favre-Which is worse, this guy’s whining and holding his franchise hostage every summer, or watching him destroy QB fundamentals week in and week out? Aside from John Madden’s willingness to deify Favre in every broadcast, most of the rest of the world has figured this head case out for what he is.

Junior Seau-I’m just sick of this guy. Why is is that so many MLB’s get overrated early and parlay it into a string of Pro Bowls. Seau was the heart and soul of the Chargers, so what? What did they win while he was heart and souling them?

 

Joe Gibbs, Bill Parcells and Bill Cowher-their players don’t listen to them.

It started happening a few years back. Cars named after birds or cities or pointy things just weren’t exciting enough anymore. Even with some nice changes in sheet metal, “noun” cars weren’t generating the heat they used to generate.  Names like Chevy’s Camaro, Chrysler’s Caravan, Ford’s Escort, Cadillac’s Coup DeVille, Pontiac’s Grand (insert name here), Nissan’s Sentra and Mazda’s Miata were sent to the bone yard for some silly sounding replacements. Now we have the Dodge Intrepid, the Ford Focus, the Chevy Cobalt, the Nissan Altima, the Toyota Prius, and wait we still have the Miata. Saving the Miata, though, is a lot like sinking a ship full of gold coins and being able to recover the sea rations.

It’s bad enough to have to deal with all this car name silliness, but it gets worse. A few times each year the average guy, aka you and me, is forced to watch the athlete of the moment drive off with an MVP award and a new “insert luxury manufacturer name here” SUV. Even with the silly names, we can’t have one, at least not yet anyway.

If I had my way, I’d not only name the new vehicles but I’d also pick the athletes to drive them. After all, who is more likely to buy new cars than today’s highly paid athlete. So I thought it might be fun to share my new car names and the jocks who should pilot them.

The VW Virgin-From the company that partnered with Porsche to make an SUV and then named it the Toe-Rag, we get the Virgin. It’s the first logical name for a VW since the Rabbit. After all, maybe people who drive VW’s aren’t all virgins, but they sure look like they should be.

Who drives a Virgin? Shawn Bradley, that’s who. The guy has a wife and kids and still manages to look like he couldn’t score if he was shooting point blank into an open net.

The Pontiac Pout-Named for its stiff maneuvers and sluggish behavior, the Pout is the choice of athletes who don’t get the ball as much as they want it. Who drives a Pout? No, not TO, but you're close. Long before TO was wrecking chemistry like a 12 year old with a flask and a Bunsen burner, Keyshawn Johnson made MeShawn a household name. Besides, TO doesn’t pout. TO is way too vocal for that. That’s why he drives a . . . . . . . .

Toyota Tantrum-The Tantrum combines 4 wheel, shift on the whine, drive a roaring DOHC 8 cylinder engine, and six-speed automatic transmission to make petulant protestations as easy as a Sunday drive. Plus, there’s a 3^rd seat standard for those full on thrashers.

The Dodge Debacle-The debacle is the gold standard in headroom, legroom, billowy upholstery, road isolation, and a ride that feels so smooth, you almost forget that you were a few minutes from a crushing 3-0 lead over the Miami Heat when your team quit on you. You got it. Dirk Nowitzki drives a debacle.

Infiniti Temporary-The Temporary (pardon the pun) is made for the man who wants people to know that he’s arrived, but that he might not be staying. Everything’s standard with the Temporary. Even your first three license plate transfers and conversion to NY or California emissions when your deal runs out, or LA finally gets smart and unloads Kobe, is included in the sticker.

LeBron James drives a Temporary, Carmelo Anthony drives a Temporary. Heck, Dwyane Wade is thinking about a Temporary, depending on how much Shaq weighs next preseason. 

Nissan Notquite-The Notquite is an intriguing ride. It’s not quite a Honda or Toyota, but then again it’s not quite a Chevy or Ford either. Who else but Albert Pujols would drive the Notquite? He could hit 75 homers, never even think about steroids and still be not quite as beloved as Mark McGwire in St. Louis. And it's notquite ready, so here's a peek.

 

Chrysler Crybaby-Chrysler’s partnership with Mercedes has yielded some excellent upgrades but none as wonderful as this. The Crybaby is the first vehicle ever to be soundproofed from the inside. But don’t look for one anytime soon, this luxury sedan is available only in limited release and only for sale to Seattle Seahawk coaches and fans.

 

Honda Fonda- For every aging superstar who just refuses to go gentle into that good night, the Fonda is the ride of choice for the star who thinks he’s got one more “On Golden Pond” season in him before he flames out altogether.

The Fonda is luxuriously equipped with power assisted everything (for those weak, achy joints), a six-cylinder turbocharged engine whose turbocharger doesn’t quite engage like it used to, and dual wheezing exhaust pipes. Who drives a Fonda? Roger Clemens? No. Shaquille O’Neal? No. Is there any athlete out there more qualified to be in Honda than Mark Brunell? Yes, Kurt Warner.

Porsche Chokester-The Chokester is the best that powerful, sleek, sporty underperformance has to offer. ESPN's favorite son is not all aesthetics though. With a 0-60mph run of never, the Chokester clocks the first 50mph in just less than 4 seconds and hits a screaming, bone jarring stall before the finish.

The Chokester is the car of choice for all those rich New England preppies and roughneck hills of Pittsburgh fans as well, because as long as Peyton Manning is driving a Chokester, January is gonna be a great month.

Jaguar X-Wife 3- At a base price just under $40K, and free maintenance for the life of the car, the X-Wife 3 spells affordable luxury for all those aging jocks who crossed the altar more frequently than the championship finish line that would have made all those alimony payments manageable.  True, it looks more like a Buick than Jag, and it drives more like a Ford than the legendary classic, but at least it has the cat on the hood and that’s something.

Who drives the X-Wife 3? That guy who married Tawny Kitaen, whatever his name is? I think it was Chuck Finley.

 

 

Ford Frustration-Like the Chrysler Crybaby, the Ford Frustration is not available to most of us. Ford’s answer to Lamborghini and Ferrari is powered by a 12 cyl, dohc, 450 hp rocket. With a 6 speed manual transmission and Lotus suspension, The Frustration is  the perfect ride for those who want a quick suicide run to end to the “I just can’t take losing anymore” blues. So you can’t have one unless you’ve done yeoman service for a perennial loser or bridesmaid.

Who drives the Frustration? Bill Cowher was lucky enough to cancel his order last February, but Marty Schottenheimer already has two. 

Cadillac CrackDealer-Simply put, it’s the most tricked out, pimped-up, bling-blinged, dropped down ride in the bizzizzness. The CrackDealer doesn’t just have rims, it has gold rims with platinum rims on its rims. DirecTV is standard, with eight headrest and two ceiling mounted flat screen monitors. This Caddy not only has heated leather seats, it has cooled leather seats for those potentially sticky summer exits.  And just when you thought #### fab couldn’t get more fab, just press down and slide out those front and rear dual Cristal Holders. As one owner (name withheld due to probation) said, “####’s got a dashboard microwave and a DJ in the back”.

And the great news is, you don’t have to be a crack dealer to drive one, you just have to look like a crack dealer. He drives, rather is driven, in a Bentley, but come on Allen Iverson, you know you want one. With a rap sheet like this, is there any other car for you?

 

Allen Iverson

Criminal trespass, felony, two counts

Criminal conspiracy, felony, one count

Violation of the Uniform Firearms Act, felony, one count

Violation of the Uniform Firearms Act, misdemeanor, one count

Simple assault, misdemeanor, two counts

Terroristic threats, misdemeanor, two counts

Unlawful restraint, misdemeanor, two counts

False imprisonment, misdemeanor, two counts

Possession of an instrument of crime, misdemeanor, one count

 

Chevy Cheeseburger- The motto for this ride has to be “It’s about time”. It’s about time that the manufacturer that gives away mediocre cars like Famous Amos sells chocolate chip cookies just caved in and used an equally generic name for their rides. The CB will be as ambiguous and omnipresent as every Chevy before it. But soon this vehicle will be the heartbeat of American mediocrity. Why? Well there’s nothing very good about it, and it still enlists the 1980’s rehash of 1970’s Chevy technology, but who doesn’t want a cheeseburger?

For every mediocre baseball player who couldn’t cross the Mendoza line, for every 11^th guy on an NBA roster, for all the 53^rd guys on NFL rosters, there’s a Cheeseburger. And for those guys who actually got into the game there’s an upgrade coming. Chevy’s Z-44 Bacon Cheeseburger is due out in ’07.

Lexus Loafer-Lexus has finally forsaken its numbers and letters for the new flagship, the king-sized, luxury line Loafer. For every player who has ever taken a play, a series, a game or even a season off, the Loafer will get them where they’re going, if they even care where they’re going since they went in the tank a long time ago.

It’s no CrackDealer, the Loafer takes refined luxury to new heights. With its “navigation to nowhere” GPS, and soothing environmental sound system, the Loafer leads its passengers on peaceful, seemingly endless journey through seasons of discontent. Finally, a car for Randy Moss.

BMW 760 ME- This car was simply made for one man. No really, one NBA player had his agent contact BMW because he loves the upwardly mobile legacy of BMW but felt the driver customization options of the I-drive system were way too flexible any car he was driving. The answer, BMW redesigned a whole series just for Kobe Bryant.

The 760 ME, won’t let you adjust your seats, your mirrors, your climate control, your stereo stations, or anything else for that matter. And it only lets you leave your hotel under the cover of darkness. You drive it like Kobe drives it, or not at all. Of course Jerry Buss and Mitch Kupchak already have one, even though Buss’ sits in the garage because he can’t reach the pedals. But Phil Jackson? Well he’s rumored to have one, but we’ll see if he’s actually driving it in the next couple of years.

Land Rover Roid-Rage-Did we save the best (or worst) for last. For years, Rover has staked a claim on the most overpriced SUV in the game. And Rover doesn’t care if it misses out on the new money, the up and comers, and the ghettofabulous market. They just keep making the same bland, boring, underpowered dinosaurs, and selling them to too rich, but unpretentious upper-middle Americans, based on the fact that their cars really can go anywhere safely. But that’s all about to change.The car maker that doesn’t need you, want you or care about you is finally peddling to someone.  Anabolicly altered athletes will soon be slamming themselves into the front seats of Rovers everywhere. With its super tempered punch proof  window glass, anger sensitive gas pedal governor, and anti-ram brakes, the Roid Rage hedges its bets that back acne covered, puffy joweled, pulsing neck veined home-run hitters will see that it pays for itself many times over in personal injury lawsuit savings alone.

Mark McGwire doesn’t have one. He’s lost 75lbs for some strange reason and is too weak to drive a Roid-Rage now. Jose Canseco? No. He can’t afford the $400k price tag, so he’s driving the Jaguar X-Wife 3. Rafael Palmiero? No. He drives the new Hummer #### (insert Viagra joke here). But Barry Bonds is the perfect fit for the Roid-Rage. The guy who doesn’t need, want or care about the fans is perfectly aligned with the car maker who doesn’t need, want or care about us either. And the good news is, even though he’s going to be spending millions to keep from hitting 715 HR’s for his cell-block softball team, Bonds has been making so much money for so long that he can afford more legal fees than OJ and Kobe combined and still drive a Roid-Rage, when he gets out at least. 

Of course I’m just scratching the surface here. I never even got to the Hummer, or the Lamborghini’s, Lotuses and Ferrari’s of the world. But there’s always another blog, and there are new superstars and car models being made every day. As you hear so often in sports, we'll get 'em next year.