CHAPTER TWO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Thank heaven you’ve arrived Flatman.  Things have been going crazy here in Cosham City since precisely three minutes to ten this morning.”  Chief Gorgon Zola stated with relief as Flatman and Ribbon marched purposefully into his office.

 

“I know Chief.”  Said Flatman somewhat arrogantly.  “At that time all the bobbleheads in the city, including my Brian Wilson bobblehead, stopped bobbling.  And Ribbon and I have already ascertained that this is the work of none other than the dastardly Professor Strangeglove.”

 

Great mixed race mistresses Flatman how did you work it out so quickly?  And how did you know that, like your Brian Wilson bobblehead, my Mike Love bobblehead stopped bobbling at precisely three minutes to ten this morning?”

 

“Actually my Brian Wilson bobblehead was immune to the effects of his plan until we got closer to the city.  As we approached it bobbled less and less and when we were sixteen point two miles from Police Headquarters it stopped moving completely.  However, I digress, the reason Ribbon and I knew of his dastardly plot is because we received a threatening letter from the evil mastermind this morning at our new ultra secret hideout.”  Flatman informed him.

 

“Professor Strangeglove?  I might have known he’d be behind this dastardly scheme.  But how did he find the location of your ultra secret hideout so quickly?  Apart from my wife, my six mistresses, my personal assistant, the party supplies company, my interior decorator, my landscaper, my alumni, the Beach Boys Fan Club and everyone at the precinct I haven’t told anyone the location of your new ultra secret hideout.  And the only reason I know where your new hideout is was through talking to our hairdresser.”

 

“Actually sir I had to inform the sandwich company of the location so they could deliver the sandwiches and soft drinks for the surprise party Flatman and Ribbon don’t know about.”  Taya Yellow informed the party.  “And I told my mother so that she and her knitting club could create a ‘Welcome To Your New Hideout’ banner for the grand opening of the flatdune.  Of course my mother told my aunt and uncle and they told their butcher who has promised to give our superheroes a significant discount on any purchases once they have their gas connected.”  She added somewhat sheepishly.

 

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it gorgeous.”  Ribbon said comfortingly.  “We’ve already deduced that it was the speed with which the Postal service processed the change of address that Flatman submitted.”

 

“How remiss of me.”  Flatman stated as Taya Yellow sighed with relief.  “I completely forgot that you two haven’t been formerly introduced.  Please allow me to correct that oversight without further delay.  Ribbon, Taya Yellow, Taya Yellow, Ribbon.”

 

“Round the old oak tree.”  Chief Zola musically added with a chuckle.

 

“Under normal Circumstances chief I would applaud your instant humor.  However, this is not the time for hilarity or jokes.  We have an extremely serious situation on our hands because if we are unable to foil Professor Strangeglove’s evil plot the population of Cosham City will become even more unruly than ever.  Between us we have to find a way to get the bobbleheads bobbling again.”  Flatman stated in all seriousness.

 

“It’s worse than that Flatman.”  Chief Gorgon Zola informed him.  “Not only have the bobbleheads stopped bobbling the nodding dogs have stopped nodding and my third mistresses son’s jack in the box is stubbornly refusing to come out of it’s box.”

 

“And the set of perpetual motion balls I have on my desk have become frozen.  And according to some of the telephone calls we’ve received the see-saw at Cosham Park refuses to saw and bouncy castles are refusing to bounce.”  Taya added informatively.

 

“Excuse me Flatman.”  Chief Zola said then rushed out of the room.

 

“Ribbon?  Remind me to add an industrial strength odor neutralizer to the next batch of constipation inducing medication we produce.”  Flatman said with a pained expression on his face as he covered his nose with his hand.

 

“Don’t worry Flatman.”  Ribbon responded as he too covered his face.  “After something that disgusting I won’t forget to remind you.”

 

“It’s not just the Chief.”  Taya informed them.  “Every person in Police Headquarters has been farting like that since last Friday when ####man released his super laxative into the City’s water supply.”

 

“How is it that you weren’t affected Taya?  Flatman asked interestedly as he vigorously fanned the air around his face.

 

“I was out of town on Friday, visiting my maiden aunt and her four children.  Her youngest had a severe cold, which I caught, so thankfully I can’t smell those awful farts very well.”  She explained with a smile then added.  “Unfortunately it makes it difficult for me to have a cigarette inside the building.  Lieutenant Lou E Ville and Captain Ken Tucky destroyed the entire fifth floor because they stupidly lit their customary joint after their inaugural session with Sergeant Secks yesterday.”

 

“I can’t blame them for wanting a joint after a roll in the hay with her.  She really knows how to please a man.”  Ribbon mentioned offhandedly.

 

“The reason she knows how to please a man so well is because she used to be one Ribbon.”  Flatman informed his sidekick.

 

“Oh my God.  Has Chief Zola finished in the bathroom yet?”  Ribbon asked anxiously then clamped his hand firmly over his mouth then hastily left the room.

“He didn’t, did he?”  Taya asked interestedly as the door slammed after Ribbons’ hasty exit.

“It would appear so Taya.  And unfortunately for him I do not divulge privileged information on F.A.R.T. clients even to my trusted sidekick.”

“I didn’t know that the Flatman And Ribbon Trust paid for her to have the operation last year.”  Taya mentioned with interest.  “Is there any chance that F.A.R.T. could pay for me to have the reverse operation?  I’m desperate to play basketball for the Boss Avenue Bakers but they only accept men.”

“Unfortunately Taya even though I have always supported the Bakers, and at seven feet four inches tall you’d definitely be a plus for the team, I cannot play favorites or influence myself in any way when it comes to F.A.R.T. matters.  However, if you submit your request through the normal channels I will guarantee to give it due consideration.”  Flatman informed her.

“That’s so unfair Flatman.  You know I have to submit my request to Chief Gorgon Zola and he won’t let me go because I’m the only one who can paint his office ceiling without using a ladder.”  Taya pointed out unhappily.

“Perhaps you should try submitting your request under an assumed identity.”  Flatman whispered quietly as Chief Zola returned to the room.

“I apologize for my hasty exit Flatman but as you know I received close to a fatal dose of ####man’s super laxative.”  He needlessly explained.  “And had you not developed the antidote so quickly and arrived just in the nick of time I would have #### myself to death.”

“No apologies or thanks needed Chief, they can wait until after we’ve foiled Professor Strangeglove’s dastardly plot.”  Flatman stated forcibly.

“I am in complete agreement Flatman.  We need to concentrate our efforts on finding this dastardly villain and finding out how to stop him from stopping the bobbleheads and other toys and gimmicks from performing as they should.  Have you any idea where we should start looking?”

“Yes Chief I do.”  Flatman conceitedly informed him.  “Although I have no doubt that it’s a fake there was a return address label on the threatening letter Professor Strangeglove sent to me.  It’s the address of a disused warehouse on pier ninety-nine.”  The superhero explained nonchalantly.

“And you believe that in true super villain tradition Strangeglove will have left a clue to his actual location inside the disused warehouse.”  Chief Zola concluded.

“He would be breaking the super villain code if he failed to leave some indication of his true whereabouts at the warehouse.”  Flatman agreed.  “And as a founder member of the Super Villain Union the Professor wouldn’t want to be seen breaking that code.  When I attended their secret convention as a V.I.P. and guest speaker last summer all three founder members of the union; Professor Strangeglove, Doctor Chicago and The Smoker all agreed to uphold the Super Villain Code.”

“Yes.  I remember that convention and I have to admit that when I listened to your six minute, eighteen second speech on catching super villains on the 3 a.m. news I was most impressed.”  Chief Zola stated in a complimentary tone.

“Thank you Chief.  I have to admit that I was proud of my speech even though it was extremely difficult to complete it within the two-year timeframe.  But less of my unequalled and unbelievable accomplishments, as soon as Ribbon returns from the bathroom we must start stopping Professor Strangeglove from stopping all the bobbleheads, including my prized Brian Wilson bobblehead, from bobbling.”

“Why did Ribbon have to use the bathroom?  I thought you and he were immune to the effects of ####man’s laxative since you didn’t venture into the city until you had the antidote.”  Chief Zola asked.

“Unfortunately Ribbon had sex with Sergeant Secks and just discovered that she used to be a man.”  Taya mentioned casually.

“Oh my God I hope Ribbon has finished in the bathroom.  There’s no way I’ll be able to make it down to the ninety-ninth floor.”  Chief Zola stated then clasped his hand over his mouth and dashed out of the room.

“Well I guess he’s going to have one less mistress to worry about from now on.”  Taya mentioned casually as the door slammed shut behind her boss.  “Maybe I could use his complete indiscretion with Sergeant Secks as leverage to get him to approve my request for F.A.R.T. grant.”

“Okay I’m back.”  Stated Ribbon enthusiastically as he entered the room.  “Just don’t let anybody fool you into thinking that pepperoni pizza tastes as good coming up as it does going down.  By the way where was the Chief off to in such a hurry? “

“It’s a long story and one that is best left for another time my young apprentice.”  Flatman informed his sidekick.  “Right now we have to concentrate on finding Professor Strangeglove and get things moving again.  We should get to the abandoned warehouse without delay and search for clues to Strangeglove’s true location.  Although it’s obvious that he will need a huge transmitter to transmit the signal to all the bobbleheads to instruct them to stop bobbling.”

“Then obviously we have to start looking for a huge antenna.”  Ribbon logically surmised as he strolled over and stood in front of the office window.

“Well Crazy Fingers department store advertised the installation of the new transmitter for their pirate television station.”  Taya mentioned casually.  “The story was reported in all the newspapers and covered by the local television and radio stations.”  She stated, and then thoughtfully added.  “The antenna is visible from every part of the city, just like the world famous Trifle Tower.  You can see it when you look out of the Chiefs’ office window.”

“I don’t believe that a long established and well respected company such as Crazy Fingers would allow Professor Strangeglove to get his hands anywhere near their pirate television station.  Remember that Ribbon and I attended the grand opening of the store exactly eight months and three days ago.”  Flatman needlessly reminded Taya.

“I remember the ceremony well Flatman.”  Taya mentioned with a smile.  “You and Ribbon attended in your secret identities of Otto Mattick and Manuel Control.”

 “It was refreshing to appear in public as ourselves for a change.”  Flatman mentioned with a simple nod of his head.

“I agree Flatman.  Although I love being a superhero there are times when I wish we could appear in public as ourselves more often.  Even if only because it’s difficult to get out of this costume when I need to take a leak or a dump.”  Ribbon said.  “And I am so glad that we took our concentrated dose of constipation inducing fluid before we drove into the city and thwarted ####man.”  He added as Chief Zola returned to the room with a somewhat sheepish expression on his face.

“So how do you propose we find this fiendish fiend Flatman?”  He asked interestedly as he strolled over and stood next to Ribbon.

“We must start with a thorough search of everything inside the deserted warehouse on pier ninety-nine.  When we do I’m convinced that we will find a clue to Professor Strangeglove’s location.  And that clue will lead us to a business with a strong, but subtle, link to hands and gloves.”  Flatman replied confidently.

“I’ll notify all of my top detectives to meet us at the location Flatman.”  Chief Zola said.  “It could take days to sift through everything inside that empty warehouse so the more men we have on the job the quicker we’ll find Professor Strangeglove’s true location.”

“I agree Chief.  Time is of the essence.  We must find Strangeglove’s secret location before the citizens of Cosham City forget what it’s like to own a bobbling bobblehead or actually see a bobblehead bobbling.”  Flatman stated with a firm nod of his head.  We cannot allow this deranged lunatics dastardly scheme to continue.  Thankfully the flatdune is a sufficient distance from the city to provide me with some respite from the effects of his evil plan.  I confess that I wouldn’t know what to do if I had to face the prospect of never seeing my Brian Wilson bobblehead bobble again.”

“I envy you Flatman.  As you know I live in the city and will have to endure looking at a bobbleless bobblehead of Mike Love.”  Chief Zola mentioned with extreme sadness in his voice.

“Don’t worry Chief.  Now that Flatman and Ribbon are on the case I’m sure it won’t be too long before you see your Mike Love bobblehead bobble again or before I once again see motion in the perpetual motion balls I have on my desk.”  Taya added comfortingly as the telephone rang.  She picked up the receiver and spoke with the person on the other end briefly then turned to Flatman.

“The effects are getting worse Flatman.”  She said with understandable alarm in her voice.  “Reports are flooding into Police Headquarters that the pendulum of the clock outside B.A.B.I.E.S. has stopped moving.”  She explained.  “Oh! Your hairdresser called to inform us that the pole outside his shop has stopped turning and wants to know if you’ll be able to keep your Wednesday afternoon appointment.”

“Tormented ticking timepieces Flatman if the clock outside the Boss Avenue Bakers International Emportium Stadium has stopped nobody will ever know when to show up for the next game.”  Ribbon stated with a rueful shake of his head.

“It’s considerably worse than that my young apprentice.  Without that clock I seriously doubt if we will receive any of our pizzas on time this coming week.  Although I would welcome the opportunity to save some money by not providing the delivery person with a small gratuity I am naturally concerned about not eating at the optimum time of day.”  Flatman added solemnly.  “And it is also conceivable that the Gas Company and the Water Company will not be able to keep to the schedules they have promised me for connecting their services to our new ultra top secret hideout.”

“Holy salami sandwiches Flatman if that happens we’ll have to postpone the surprise party you don’t know about until the timepiece starts ticking again and people are able to know what time it is.”  Taya mentioned with a trace of shock in her voice.  “We could end up with stale sandwiches at a surprise party that nobody turns up for or a dune full of guests without any refreshments available.  The chief might turn up at the wrong mistress’s house at the wrong time and you could easily miss your Wednesday afternoon appointment with your hairdresser.”

“Quickly Ribbon to the Flatmobile.  There’s not a moment to lose if we intend to find the location of Professor Strangeglove and destroy the devious device he is using to disrupt the city.”

“I’ll round up the troops and meet you at the deserted warehouse Flatman.”  Chief Zola shouted as Flatman and Ribbon rushed toward the office door.

“I’ll call my mother and inform her that the knitting club might have less time than they think in which to complete the banner for the surprise party.”

“Good idea Taya and while you’re at it why don’t you call the party supplies company and the sandwich company and give them the same warning?  And it might be an idea to call Flatman’s hairdresser and let him know that he might be late for his Wednesday afternoon appointment.  It would be an unmitigated disaster if our superhero turned up at the surprise party with his hair less than impeccable for the occasion.”  The Chief stated as he headed for the door.  “Oh and call my wife and tell her the Babies clock has stopped so I don’t know what time I’ll be home.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you're expecting a sports blog of some description then don't bother reading any more.  This entry is intended purely and simply to bring a little humor into some people's lives at a time when they are depressed over falling property values, higher gas prices and everything else associated with an impending recession.

 

If I receive a sufficient number of favorable comments I will periodically post further pieces of the same nature.  So if you're still here read on.......

 

FLATMAN

 

AND THE CASE OF THE BOBBLELESS BOBBLEHEADS

 

 

CHAPTER ONE

 

 

 

“Well Flatman although ####man didn’t end up behind bars at least we stopped him from spreading more of his evil concoction throughout the city.”

 

“Yes Ribbon but unfortunately the super concentrated formula we used to induce mass constipation among the populace won’t last forever.  And when the effects wear off I’ve no doubt that ####man will again attempt to use his super laxative to spread his #### throughout the city.  The only thing we can hope for is that he’ll get stopped for a traffic violation and the officer will discover he has five hundred warrants out for his arrest.  Thankfully we already know the judge will set bail at one trillion dollars.”  Flatman replied optimistically.

 

“It won’t be easy for them to spot a brown Dodge Charger with an enormous plastic turd stuck on the roof.”  Ribbon mentioned dejectedly.

 

“I know Ribbon but with the otherwise completely incon####uous vehicle having wing mirrors that resemble toilet rolls and hub caps that look like toilet seats might make it easier for them.”  Flatman replied optimistically.  “I’m just thankful that our primary means of transportation is significantly less con####uous.  And if I hadn’t won ten dollars on that lottery scratch card two months ago we’d still be riding the Flatcycle.  This 1954 Edsil will significantly enhance our crime fighting abilities.”

 

“I still think you paid too much for it.  I mean it doesn’t even have a CD player and I’m already beginning to get fed up with that 8-track tape of The Beach Boys.”

 

“My young friend as you know I believe The Beach Boys to be the greatest band ever formed.  Although we disagree as to their best songs the chief of police, Gorgon Zola, completely agrees with me about the band.  And to truly appreciate the quality of their music you have to listen to it on a media playing device of their era.”  Flatman explained.  “However, we will eventually have a more modern sound system installed to satisfy your requirements.”

 

“Thanks Flatman and before I say anything else I’d like to say that I think fluorescent green, to match our costumes is the perfect color for the Flatmobile.  But we can discuss that later, for now I suggest we return to the business at hand.  Even if ####man doesn’t get pulled over by the cops we’ll be there to foil his evil plot and hopefully next time we’ll catch the dastardly devil.”  Ribbon stated confidently.  “And now that our new and ultra secret hideout is ready we’ll be better prepared for him.”

 

“Exactly Ribbon when he tries his #### again we’ll be able to strike at him from a completely unknown and secret location.  However, the new and ultra secret hideout isn’t completely ready at this time.  The Telephone Company and the Electricity Company informed me that they’d need to run cables to the ultra secret hideout and insisted that I pay for the work to be done.”  Flatman informed his young sidekick.  “Obviously once the Water and Gas Companies discovered that I had agreed to pay the Telephone and Electricity Companies they each presented me with an exorbitant bill for providing the utilities.  The delay in obtaining the necessary financing through the bank means that we do not have water or gas at the moment.  But the work should be completed before the official grand opening next weekend.”

 

“Great flatulent fathers Flatman that means we won’t be able to use the bathroom and I really need to go.”

 

“It’s okay my young friend I managed to convince the building contractors to leave the portable toilet at the ultra secret hideout for an extra week.”  The superhero stated proudly.  “And because the gas won’t be connected until next week I’ve arranged for regular pizza deliveries so we won’t have any dishes to wash.”  He added then pointed through the windshield.  “And as you can see from the pizza delivery man we are exactly on schedule.”

 

“Holy celebrity poker tournaments Flatman I hope I can time things so perfectly when you retire.”

 

“Patience my impatient young companion.  You know, even though I’ll become eligible for Social Security many years before you, that a superhero never really retires.  As long as there are evil villains like ####man around our work will never be done.”  Flatman stated as they sped passed the pizza deliveryman.  “And speaking of work there is our new ultra secret hideout.”  He added as he pointed through the windshield of the Flatmobile for the second time in the space of a few seconds.

 

“Great double D bras Flatman you never cease to amaze me.  Nobody would ever think that an enormous sand dune in the middle of a dense forest exactly 22 miles from Police Headquarters was our new ultra secret hideout.”  Ribbon stated in admiration.

 

“Precisely Ribbon.  With such a cunning disguise we’ll never have to worry about any super villains discovering our ultra secret hideout or our secret identities.”  Flatman stated conceitedly.  “And with our new unlisted telephone number it will be even harder for anyone to find us.  Our security and anonymity will be assured.”  He added as he activated the remote to open the garage door.

 

“This is an absolutely awesome ultra secret hideout Flatman.  It truly is a work of architectural genius.”

 

“Thank you my young assistant I am rightly proud of the way I’ve incorporated all of our technological needs into the structure including a state of the art service bay for the Flatmobile.”  Flatman stated proudly.  “I had considered offering tickets for guided tours but realized such a venture would simply complicate our taxes and significantly increase our liability.”

 

“You’re right Flatman.  If we offered guided tours of our ultra secret hideout we’d have to employ the guides as well as someone to operate the ticket booth and more people to run the gift shop.”  Ribbon agreed as Flatman nodded.

 

“I have to admit that the additional revenue gained from such a venture would be extremely useful in furthering our crime fighting expertise.  However, although we probably wouldn’t need to advertise the merchandizing would be an extreme pain in the #### and we’d have to employ more people to do everything connected with the venture that we’re too busy to do because of our superhero commitments.”  Flatman concluded as the doorbell rang and echoed throughout the dome shaped structure.

 

“That will undoubtedly be the pizza deliveryman Ribbon.  Here take this twenty and make absolutely certain he gives you the correct change.  I’d hate our first case at our new ultra secret hideout to be apprehending the pizza deliveryman for overcharging us.”

 

“Don’t worry Flatman I’ll make sure that I count every penny.”  Ribbon assured him.

 

“And because he’s 23 seconds late make sure that you don’t give him a gratuity.  Perhaps over the next seven days he’ll come to realize that he will only receive a small gratuity when he delivers our pizza on time or a few minutes early.”  Flatman warned Ribbon as the latter headed toward the door.

 

“Flatman I checked the pizza to make sure the order was correct and insisted on getting the correct change as you requested.  He was short of change but thankfully the mail carrier arrived and had change for a nickel.  Anyway here’s the mail I’m going to grab a slice of pizza before it goes completely cold.”

 

“Thank you Ribbon I’ll join you as soon as I’ve confirmed from these bills that the utility companies haven’t saddled me with any additional or hidden charges.”  Flatman informed his sidekick then exclaimed.  “Great galloping grasshoppers!”

 

“Have they overcharged you for the work?”  Ribbon asked interestedly as he grabbed the largest slice of pizza.

 

“No Ribbon we’ve received a threatening letter from that evil mastermind Professor Strangeglove.”

 

“But how did he find out the location of our ultra secret hideout?  Apart from Chief Gorgon Zola, the Gas Company, The Electricity Company, The Water Company, The Telephone Company, The Pizza Company, The Building Contractors, my girlfriend, a couple of guys I used to hang out with, my parole officer and my parents absolutely nobody knows where we are.”  Ribbon stated in astonishment.

 

“Actually Ribbon I had to inform my ex-wife because of the visitation arrangement for our daughter.  And I had to inform the Internal Revenue Service for our taxes, the bank because of the loan to pay for the connection of the utilities and the Department of Motor Vehicles when I registered the Flatmobile.  And of course I had to notify the Auto Insurance Company and Cosham City Council for the property taxes as well as the newspaper delivery boy, my three credit card companies and my hairdresser.  But I’m certain that none of these parties informed Professor Strangeglove of the location of our new ultra secret hideout.”

 

“Holy unused sanitary towels Flatman what makes you so certain?”

 

“It’s simple my young associate.  The yellow sticker in the bottom right hand corner of the envelope informs me that The Postal Service processed our change of address request much sooner that I had anticipated.”

 

“What does the letter say?”  Ribbon asked interestedly as he grabbed a second slice of pizza.

 

“The letter states that evil mastermind and founder member of the Super Villain Union, Professor Strangeglove, plans to bring untold misery to the citizens of Cosham City within the next three minutes.”  Flatman replied.  “Unfortunately because of the delay caused by the postal employee stopping the letter to affix the yellow sticker the dastardly fiend has already put his plan into action.  This in turn means that any second now Chief Gorgon Zola will be calling us on the Flatphone.”  Flatman stated with confident certainty.

 

   Moments later the Flatphone rang and after hastily swallowing his mouthful of pizza Flatman picked it up and engaged in a brief conversation with the person on the other end.  Ribbon could tell from the expression on his mentors face that the call was not good news.  He patiently waited for the call to end and as Flatman replaced the receiver and picked up another slice of pizza he asked him if Chief Gorgon Zola had told him anything about Professor Strangeglove’s evil plan.  Flatman chomped down on his slice of pizza and shook his head.

 

“Unfortunately my young sidekick apparently I forgot to add our new unlisted number to The National Do Not Call List, a serious oversight on my part.  That call was from the Civil War Veterans Association asking if I would be willing to make a donation to help with the injured servicemen’s medical expenses.  As you know under normal circumstances I wouldn’t hesitate to contribute to such a worthy cause.  However, the construction costs of our new ultra secret hideout and the enormous bills from the utility companies has left us strapped for cash.”  He explained then added.  “Until we can have our new unlisted number added to the Do Not Call List we should expect to receive numerous calls from telemarketers attempting to sell us things we don’t need.”

 

“I’ll make sure that I don’t listen to any of the #### they spout and tell them to go and pester somebody else.”  Ribbon said as the Flatphone rang for the second time.

 

“That will be Chief Zola.”  Flatman stated confidently as he picked up the receiver and answered the call.  Again Ribbon waited patiently as his mentor conversed with the person on the other end of the line.  He watched intently as Flatman nodded numerous times throughout the brief conversation.  Finally the call ended and Flatman returned the receiver to its cradle.

 

“Quickly Ribbon to the Flatmobile.  There’s not a moment to lose.”  Flatman stated excitedly as Ribbon thoughtfully grabbed the pizza box and headed for the vehicle.

 

“That was obviously the call you were expecting from Chief Zola.”  The young man stated as Flatman unsuccessfully attempted to coax the aging engine to life.

 

“Actually Ribbon the call was from Taya Yellow, Chief Zola’s personal assistant.  She apologized for calling on the Chief’s behalf and explained that he was still suffering from the effects of ####man’s laxative.”

 

“Did the Chief receive a similar threatening letter from Professor Strangeglove?”

 

“No Ribbon.  It seems that the evil mastermind decided that you and I should be the only recipients of a threatening letter loosely indicating his evil intentions.”  Flatman responded as he finally managed to start the Flatmobile.  “Taya told me that Police Headquarters has been inundated with calls from citizens informing them that their beloved bobble heads have mysteriously stopped bobbling.”

 

“Holy big-breasted women Flatman that’s particularly evil.”

 

“Exactly Ribbon.  If Professor Strangeglove has somehow managed to prevent bobbleheads from bobbling it will cause untold misery among the population.  People won’t want to buy a bobbleless bobblehead and those that have bobbleheads that are now bobbleless will lose interest in them and discard them.”

 

“And without bobbleheads to amuse them it won’t be long before the entire population of Cosham City goes stir crazy and desperate for some form of mindless amusement.  Do you think this is the evil plan Professor Strangeglove hinted at in his threatening letter?”

 

“I have no doubt in my mind that this dastardly plot is part of his master plan and that things will only get worse unless we stop him.  Imagine how infuriated and unsettled the populace will become if perpetual motion balls become motionless, a swing becomes stationary or a Jack In The Box refuses to spring out of its box?”  Flatman rhetorically asked his young companion with a rueful shake of his head.  “With nothing to amuse them during the long hours of boredom the normally peaceful citizens of Cosham City will turn into an enormous pack of wild animals.  We can only pray that things do not deteriorate beyond redemption during the 37 minutes it will take us to reach Police Headquarters.”

 

“Holy disastrous dilemmas Flatman if we can’t put a stop to his evil plan the population of Cosham City will become unbelievably restless and eventually that restlessness will become belligerence.”

 

“Exactly Ribbon, especially if the evil mastermind Professor Strangeglove has somehow managed to exclude a single bobblehead from his plan.  The populace will fight over possession of the bobblehead and possibly even kill an innocent bystander to possess it.”  Flatman concurred with another rueful shake of his head.  Ribbon nodded solemnly in agreement.

 

“It’s ironic.  Had we not foiled ####man’s evil plot to give everyone constant diarrhea they would have had plenty to occupy their minds until we figured out how to start the bobbleheads bobbling again.”  Ribbon stated philosophically.

 

“Yes Ribbon it is unfortunate that we did not receive the threatening letter from Professor Strangeglove before we foiled ####man’s evil plot.  However, a superhero has to take cases as and when the come along and there was no way we could foresee the events that would occur after we put a stopper in ####man’s ####.”   Flatman agreed wholeheartedly.  “But like true superheroes we must play the hand we’ve been dealt and hope that we triumph in the end.  On the brighter side since the population of Cosham City won’t be spending a fortune on toilet paper they might have the funds to find an alternative means of relaxation.”

 

“But Flatman bobbleheads are a historical part of America and I doubt if any viable alternative can be found.  It’s hard to stave off boredom by mindlessly killing monsters, aliens and other assorted bad guys in a video game.  Whatever we do we must prevent him from putting his dastardly scheme into effect.”

 

“I agree Ribbon however, I fear we are already too late.”  Flatman said then stabbed a forefinger over his shoulder.  “Observe my Brian Wilson bobblehead on the rear parcel shelf.  As we get closer to the center of Cosham City it is not bobbling as much as normal”

 

“Great graphite Grandmothers Flatman if the effects of his devious device can be noticed this far out it must be sheer bedlam in the center of Cosham City.”   Ribbon stated anxiously as the skyline of the great city became visible on the horizon.

 

“Almost certainly Ribbon so we must expect a level of pandemonium in the city that will increase exponentially as we approach Police Headquarters.”  Flatman informed his companion.  “The important thing will be for us to keep our cool and concentrate on the job in hand.  We must ignore that fact that my Brian Wilson bobblehead has now stopped moving completely.”

“Holy patriotic parking meters Flatman if only we knew where to start looking for this evil mastermind we could put an end to his dastardly plot.”

 

“We do know where to start looking for him my young companion.”  Flatman nonchalantly informed his amazed sidekick.

 

“I don’t understand Flatman how have you been able to determine Professor Strangeglove’s location so quickly?  We haven’t even reached the outskirts of Cosham City yet.”

 

“Simple my young friend.  The envelope with the yellow sticker in the bottom right hand corner had a return address label in the top left hand corner.”  The superhero informed his amazed assistant.  “However, I’m convinced that the address is a phony but in order to know the address the evil super villain must have spent some time there.  And because it is the super villain way he will have almost certainly left clues to his actual location.”

 

 

Over the last few weeks of the season there have been some "deletions" made by FSC.

Depending on your point of view some of these "deletions" may or may not have been warranted.  I won't name names or anything like that I will just say that personally I don't think any of these deletions should have been made.  Football is a serious sport and the supporters of each and every club, regardless of league or country have the right to express themselves in any manner they choose.  And most supporters are of consenting age and used to bad language and insults (however colorful) from rival supporters.

IMO the Fox moderator (or moderators) would be better employed deleting every one of the growing number of posters who are advertising the plethora of dating sites.  These posters have infected our threads with an attempt to promote their websites and their actions should not be allowed to continue.

Perhaps, if a sufficient number of "The true fans of Football" post a comment on this blog and Fox actually read it they will take action against these people.

SHOULD THEY OR SHOULDN’T THEY INTRODUCE INSTANT REPLAYS?

 

 

BAD REFEREEING DECISIONS;

 

 

We all know there have been some howlers made by match officials this season.  Penalties denied, non-penalties given, offside goals allowed, legitimate goals disallowed, bookings for diving when there was no dive, etc.  And every team, and every fan of every team, has felt aggrieved by an incorrect decision at some point during the season.  So it’s no surprise that the old question of video replays on dubious calls has once again come to the fore.

 

But just how bad are the match officials?  Let’s assume there are 2 bad calls made by the officials during the 10 Premier League matches that take place over an average league weekend.  Now 2 bad calls isn’t great because that means that 2 matches have been decided by incorrect decisions (unless both calls occur in the same match).

 

However, when you consider that (not including stoppage time at the end of each half) those 10 matches equate to 15 hours of football.  That gives us 1 bad refereeing decision every 7.5 hours.  Additionally not every Premier League weekend is blighted by controversial/wrong/dubious officiating decisions so the time between such decisions is almost certainly greater.

 

WOULD INSTANT REPLAYS BE A HELP OR A HINDRANCE?

 

 

Obviously this question has its advocates and opponents and like the majority of fans I believe that something has to be done to improve the system.  There is no doubting the accuracy of instant replays and their use would eliminate incorrect calls.  However, the possible use of instant replays raises some interesting questions;

 

At what level should instant replays be introduced?

 

In many ways, with all the television cameras around the pitches, instant replays are already a small of the game.  But if the instant replays are made available to the referee how many times during the game would he have to stop the game so that he, or the fourth official, can view the video footage of an incident?  Would players and managers be satisfied with using it solely for dubious penalty claims, offside decisions and disputed goals?  Considering how the players surround the match official over numerous decisions I doubt it.  In all probability they would surround the referee and implore him to view a replay of a bad tackle that led to a second yellow card, or straight red card for a teammate.

 

How much time would have to be added at the end of each match or each half?

 

 

As armchair fans we have the benefit of multiple angles of contentious decisions and surely, in order to make a definitive decision the referee or fourth official would need to do likewise.  Let’s assume that each team disputes 3 decisions during the course of a money-spinning cup tie or high intensity derby match.  The referee or fourth official views each incident from 4 different angles (in front of the goal, behind the goal and from each sideline) and each replay takes 10 seconds.  If he is able to make his determination after viewing each of the 4 different angles the match would last 1 minute longer.  But if you watch as much televised football as the majority of fans you’ll notice that not even the television commentators can always make a definitive decision after viewing an incident once.  Let’s go with viewing each of the 4 angles twice thereby adding 2 minutes to the length of the match.  Not too bad, players have played longer periods of additional time.  But what about the time it takes for the players to surround the referee and convince him to view the instant replay?  Another 30 seconds, 1 minute per incident would tack on another 3 – 6 minutes.  So instead of playing an additional 3 minutes at the end of the second half there could be as much as 10 or 11 minutes added on.  And that’s 10 or 11 minutes during which another incident might occur.  I don’t know about any of you but when my team are 1 goal up going into injury time I’m on the edge of my seat praying for the final whistle.  I don’t know if my nerves would be able to take any more.

 

What about placing an additional official behind each goal and using a chipped ball?

 

 

I have to admit that placing an additional official discreetly behind each goal is my personal preference.  But it too has its flaws. Like the referee the official behind the goal would only see the incident in real time and only once from one angle.  Whilst it would lead to a quicker decision on the part of the officials it might not be any more definitive than using a single official.  Although it might initially make players think twice about “diving” in the box it still leaves room for human error.  Additionally players are very skillful and inventive and eventually they would work out ways to fool both officials into believing they were tripped when they actually dived.  And the time factor might once again rear its ugly head because if players are unable to convince one official a rival player dived they’d almost certainly plead their case to the other official.

 

A chipped ball might well solve some of the inherent problems in the game such as did the whole of the ball cross the whole of the line for a goal?  But its use would be extremely limited inasmuch as it would determine it a goal was scored or the ball actually went out of play but it wouldn’t answer the question as to whether it was a goal kick or a corner.  And although I’m sure the chips are extremely robust there is no guarantee that it wouldn’t malfunction or fail in some other way.  I don’t know about any of you but with the pounding a ball takes during the course of a match I’d hate to be a little chip stitched into the leather.

 

We have a dubious goals committee why not have a dubious decision committee?

 

 

This is a no-brainer and I’ll explain why in simple terms.  Team A wins their match by virtue of a disputed goal.  The victory puts them at the top of the table by 1 point from teams B, C and D.  The dubious decision meet and decide that the goal should be disallowed and declare the result to be a draw.  Team A then drops to fourth place behind the other three teams and immediately launch an appeal against the decision.  Meanwhile Joe Soap who had 22 points on the football pools that week discovers that he has 24 points and claims a bigger prize from the pools company.  The pools company then have to contact Fred Whatshisname and tell him to return some of the money they’d paid him.

 

In conclusion although I believe that something has to be done to address the inconsistencies in refereeing decisions I don’t think there is a suitable way to accomplish it.  At least not at the moment, even with all the advances in technology.

 

As has been widely publicized Michel Platini is suggesting changes to the qualification requirements for the Champions League.  Under Monsieur Platini's proposal, which is allegedly backed by the majority of Football Associations and club managers, cup winners would take the fourth qualifying spot in the competition.  Is this really what European Footfball, and the countless thousands of fans who watch it, really needs.  Personally I think it would devalue the competition and seriously lower the high standard of football we witness in the Champions League.

His main reasons for wanting to change the qualification requirements are to help help the smaller clubs get a bigger share of the financial pie and revamp the cup competitions throughout Europe.  Great idea and I for one would not deny the lesser clubs more money and a better chance to improve their squad and make league matches more competitive and less predictable.  But I disagree with his proposed method of instituting this.  Surely revamping the domestic cup competitions in Italy, France, Spain etc etc should be the responsibility of the respective Football Associations.  Better financial incentives and the re-introduction of the now obsolete "Cup Winners Cup" would surely be a much better way to do it.  Or perhaps giving a better percentage of the take from the Champions League and UEFA Cup league to the smaller clubs would be a better scenario.  The big clubs in Europe rake in enough funds through sponsorship deals, shirt sales etc etc and can afford to lose a little of what they would otherwise receive.

Cup competitions have a habit of creating surprises.  For example;  In the early 1970's Sunderland won the F.A. Cup.  At that time they were in the old second division (League 1 as it is now known).  If a similar team won the F.A. Cup this season would they grace the European stage with their dazzling footballing skills?  Somehow I doubt it.  The true top teams of Europe (Man Utd, Barcelona, A.C. Milan, PSV, Porto etc) would walk all over them and underline just how second-rate they are.

Perhaps he could consider a mini-league for cup winners played as a round robin tournament and with suitable financial rewards for the top three or four teams.  But there again with the Champions League and the UEFA Cup League maybe the last thing European Football needs is another competition to further exhaust the players and deplete the financial resources of the fans.

PLEASE MONSIEUR PLATINI before you contemplate changing anything about the Champion's League you should consult the fans.  The standard of football that they want to watch in the competition should be the overriding concern.

 

Although yesterday's result was encouraging we are still a long way behind the other European teams.  Let's be realistic England have fallen behind the rest of Europe, and indeed the world, in recent years.  Although we have had considerable success at club level the National team has consistently failed to emulate the club level success.  Okay so we got a great result against Israel and if, as reports suggest, McLaren fields an unchanged team against Russia on Wednesday we could duplicate that result.  But even if we get the victory we need against Russia on Wednesday we still have a long way to go to catch up to the rest of Europe.  We still have other equally tough, if not tougher, fixtures to come before we can qualify.  Russia away on a plastic pitch is going to be anything but easy.  And although we play Croatia at home they're not going to let us walk all over them, even if they have assured their place in the finals by that time.

On Saturday eleven players walked out onto the pitch against Israel and emerged bouyed and victorious.  Although I am confident and optimistic about Wednesday's match against Russia we will need eleven players to walk onto the pitch and eleven heroes to walk off it at the end of ninety minutes.  Granted we have home field advantage and we are more accustomed to playing more than one fixture in a week (normally over the Christmas/New year period we play four games in eight days).  No doubt stamina will play an enormous part in the outcome of the match and i am quietly confident that England will prevail if McLaren fields the same team he fielded on Saturday.  Nevertheless it will require nothing less than a Herculean effort from the team to ensure victory over a team that is without doubt two International divisions above Israel.

I previously predicted a 1-0 victory to England but if they can play with the cohesion, determination, passion and belief that they showed on Saturday then the victory could be significantly more emphatic.

But do we have what it takes to win the European Championship?  Sadly I don't think so, at least not this time around.  We have the players capable of performing and succeeding at the highest level of European competition but we have fallen behind our main opponents (Germany, France, Holland, Italy (although even they might not qualify) and Spain (same scenario as Italy).  Having said that I have to say that the future is looking extremely bright at promising for England.  We have players coming through the ranks, so to speak, that have proved they are worthy of a regular spot in the team.  Although I selected Owen as my man of the match the decision wasn't easy and, with the exception of Robinson who didn't have very much to do, any one of the outfield players deserved the accolade

Why do we fail so consistently at International level?  If I knew the answer to that question I'd be managing England instead of writing this blog.  Give me your opinions; I'd really like to hear them (enough has been said about McLaren so try and leave him alone - we all know he's not the right man for the job).

Incidentally I'd like to suggest socal82 for the inaugural "Richard Cranuim Award".  The comments he made on the England performance against Israel were unintellgiible, uninformed and distinctly unintelligent (I wonder if his brain cell ever gets lonely).  If you have any better/other suggestions then I'd love to hear them (scoring; 3 points for a win and 1 for a mention).