"I Love Children So Much, I'll Share This One With You!"

 

Terrell Owens’ Children’s Book, “Little T Learns to Share”

 

  

Chapter Titles:

1) Give Me the Damn Ball, I was Wide Open

2) 25 Million Reasons to Share

3) How to Open Mommy's Pill Bottle

4) When Michael Irvin Comes Over, Open Wide and Say "Aaaahhhh"

5) How Not to Play Well With Others, Especially if They are Named Donovan

 

6) Fun with Michael and Deion

  

7) Mommas, Don’t Let your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys

  

8) Crying: A Great Way to Get Attention

 

9) A Boy Named Drew: How to Have Strange Relationships with Older Men, Since You Didn’t Have a Father

  

10) Are You Sad? Kill Yourself!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 " I long for you, Donovan!"

 

In a surprise move Tuesday morning, the NFL has announced that Terrell Owens has been suspended for four games. Owens was found to be in violation of the NFL's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy after he admitted that he, along with approximately 50% of his Cowboys teammates, is ####.

"That is really why I had to get out of Philadelphia," Owens admitted. "Donovan just wouldn't 'give me the ball' the way I like it."

Owens went on to claim that his new quarterback, Drew Bledsoe, is making him much more comfortable. "Drew is way more accommodating in the locker room, if you know what I mean. It reminds me of the good old days with Jeff Garcia."

Owens' publicist Kim Etheredge could not be reached for comment, reportedly because she was busy prying Michael Irvin's member out of his mouth.

Philly.com 01 July 2006

The Philadelphia Phillies, having recently been ordered by the illustrious Philadelphia City Council to change their name to the "Hillbillies" in order to properly reflect their players'   lifestyles, have decided to hang pitcher Brett Myers. Myers had allegedly slapped his wife and dragged her around by the hair in a continuation of a typical fun Philly night.

General Manager Pat Gillick, commenting on Myers' recent antics, exclaimed, "He's too good    for hangin'! Oh, wait, he ain't that good...string him up!"

 

"But I don't want to be a pirate," Myers exclaimed.

 

Further putting his foot in his mouth, Gillick went on to state, "Look, the Phillies have been    trying to cultivate a caveman attitude around here for years. This organization is tired of guys   like Bobby Abreu and Pat Burrell. Abreu is so afraid of the outfield fence that we had to bring    in a Spanish interpreter to assure him it isn't electrified, and Burrell's pregame make-up sessions in order to beautitify himself for the desperate housewives in the Delaware Valley make us all sick. So, we thought that if we brought in a few real men like Myers, Rowand,  Utley, and Howard, we could win a couple more games despite the obvious drawbacks."

"Oooh, Pat...we love your bat!"

 

The public outcry was apparently enough to sway the club, however, and the hangings rapidly commenced. "We started with Myers of course," stated good old boy Charlie Manuel, "but man, that big #### boy Howard has to be next. He is obviously dangerous. And Rowand, we tried to kill him by not padding the outfield wall, but it didn't work. These real men have to be eliminated soon!"

 "Yo, Adrienne!!!!"

 

 

CNN International, 22 June 2006

Mounting International Pressure, U.S. Democrat Party Engineer U.S. Withdrawal

 "People claim that I am stupid, but I don't hold a candle to soccer!"

 

The U.S. Soccer team finally pulled out of its unilateral battle against the rest of the world today, conceding the title to whichever terrorist, socialist or EU-controlled nation is able to take it.

America entered the fray three years ago after receiving credible threats via the worldwide intelligence community that soccer players around the globe were "...prepared," in the words of noted poofter Pele, "to kick the imperialist Americans in the shins!"

 "Kiss me, you fool!"

 

In another of his poll-driven and middle-of-the-road capitulations, President Bush deployed the U.S. national team in an attempt to overwhelm and dishearten the world's soccer players. "We entered this fracas in order to spread freedom, democracy, and American football throughout the world, but the forces of evil in the soccer community have proven to be tough adversaries," Bush stated in his weekly address. "Had Cheney not had that heart condition, we would have enlisted him, and it would have been lights-out for those pansies!"

 "Go ahead...Make my day, soccer fairies!"

 

Having led the succesful campaign for U.S. withdrawal, Senator Edward "Teddy-Boy" Kennedy slurred, "We Democrats always try to pull out early, if you know what I mean. Of course, if we happen to misfire, we can always 'abort the mission' anyway, no big deal."

 "Err-ah, err-ah...hic! Mary Jo Kopechne was no Marilyn Monroe! I never could do as well as John in the chick department, other than we managed to kill them both like a distasteful Republican senate bill."

 

 "Marilyn, how many did you take? No way, you'll never sleep (under his breath, "with the fishes, heh heh") with so few. Let me send Dr. Hoffa over to help."

 

In today's match, it was obvious that the insurgents had again infiltrated the ranks of the referees, giving the U.S. team little chance for victory. Field Marshal Brian McBride, the only apparent real man on the team, has decided to retire from soccer. "Look, I don't need this. I'm not going to get all bloodied and bruised trying to help a bunch of fairies play kickball anymore. My agent tells me the White Sox can use my services, so I'm on my way. At least I have the chance to play for a championship there!"

 "Soccer is better than baseball?! Take that, ####!"

 

 

 

 

 A "header"

 

The many comments I have received here have enlightened me to the fact that I have been truly insensitive to the feelings of persons of the #### persuasion all over the globe, by equating soccer with ####ness.

Let me then offer my sincere apology, and a clarification of my view: Nothing about being #### is as disgusting, insidious or evil as soccer. I am sorry for having ever associated you homophiliacs with the perverse "sport" of soccer.

For example, I am sure that most if not all of you, during your displays of love and affection, do not indulge in the act of biting each other, as the following example of a typical soccer foul illustrates:

 

And in the spirit of fair play, none of the #### people I know would ever resort to such a move as that which follows, in an attempt to gain a competetive advantage:

 

In closing, I can't say I've ever seen anything in the Bible that is anti-####...but I'm pretty sure Judas was a soccer fan.

 

 "Go Italy!"

 

So I laid down on the couch on a hot Saturday afternoon, appropriately clad only in my skivvies, preparing for a nap if not an interesting match between the USA and Italy. The cameras scanned the crowd during the anthems, and...WHAT THE HECK??? The camera zooms in on a young, fit Italian guy clad only in his briefs, Italy-blue at that, cheering for his "mates!" The ####-meter went through the roof, and I scribbled in my notebook for the first, but certainly not the last time: "Soccer is ####--really ####."

Now, the sight of the effeminate former soccer-playing announcer with the long, flowing brunette hair had previously hinted at that fact, but this display was just over the top. OK, I'll grant you that the NFL has its share of scantilly-clad fans, but they are usually big, fat ugly guys with their shirts off. No sexual titillation there, that's for sure...unless you count "man boo.bs" as titillating.

 Typical Cowboys fan

 

If soccer isn't ####, then why is the world's best men's team called "bra," as in "BRA 2  AUS 0?" Coincidence? I think not.

  "Hi, My name is Ronaldinho. Be careful...watching me play may deflate your balls!"

 

 

compiled from wire reports, 16 June 2006

"GOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!"

 

Pope Benedict XVI, never one to shy away from controversy, stated on the eve of the big Italy/USA match that he prefers soccer players to altar boys. "I'll never understand the Americans' penchant for altar boys," he pontificated. "That is probably why our teams are always so much better than theirs. We start to train our players while they're really young."

The Pope also came under fire recently after reports surfaced that he had asserted, on June 6 2006, that the American squad needed an "exorcism." "What I actually said was that the American team sucks so bad, they need more exercise," Benedict claimed. "Damn tabloid press!"

Also sounding off on the upcoming game, soccer fan and Sicilian mafioso leader Salvatore Lo Piccolo (literally, "Save me, I have a little flute") gave the U.S. players a stern warning. "We'll have a few of our boys at the match. Don't get too close to our goal, if you know what I mean."

 

drudgereport.com, 15 June 2006

Taking the first step in implementing what has become known as the "Arena Doctrine," the United States soccer team has attacked Italy. "It was a matter of getting them before they had the chance to get us," coach Bruce Arena stated afterward. "We really can't afford another loss. And let this be a warning to the world: Soccer players, and any team which harbors soccer players, will be held accountable."

Having previously taken out Italian players Gennardo Gattuso and Gianluca Zambrotta in covert operations, the U.S. team still felt vulnerable. "We still have no confirmation of Mussolini's death, and the Italian team's mastermind and coach, Marcello Lippi, is on the run. He may be hiding in the catacombs of Rome, and there are some reports that he has been seen dressed in a 'Pope' costume," Arena continued. "Until we find him and bring him to justice, the threat level will remain high."

In today's attack, the heavily fortified U.S. team swarmed the site of Saturday's match, Kaiserslautern Stadium. Finding it completely deserted, they proceeded to fire shot after shot towards the opposition's unguarded goal, finally registering 5 goals in 22 shots. "We figure that will be enough to ensure victory on Saturday," claimed Field Marshal Brian McBride.

In other breaking news, Dallas Cowboys' wideout Terrell Owens has confirmed that he, along with approximately 50% of the Cowboys' roster, is ####.

 

"Those cheerleaders definitely have nothing to fear from us, that's for sure," Owens lisped.

 

sportingnews.com, 14 June 2006

After a prolonged battle with the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss has finally been forced to fold his hand. Concluding the penalty phase of the Kobe Bryant trial, which had largely flown under the public radar, Buss has agreed to forfeit all licensing royalties from the last two years of sales of Lakers' merchandise. Additionally, the team is to be renamed the "L.A. Rapers," for a term not to exceed three years, unless further incidents occur.

Buss called into question the logic of the 9th Circuit court, which admittedly often baffles observers. "Just because my daughter posed for Playboy doesn't mean we had complicity in the case," Buss professed. "They blamed her for getting Kobe all horned up."

Kobe "Beef" Bryant could not be reached for comment. Vanessa Bryant, though, was less hesitant to speak. "If that mo'fo' doesn't come up with some cold, hard cash soon, I'm spilling the beans! Plus, my butt hurts!"

(Editors' note: Big___Al could find nothing #### about this story. We regret this anomaly, and he will be severely whipped.)

 

 

 

 

Fox News Channel, June 13 2006

A large crowd of enraged soccer fans has apparently attacked a blogger from our own foxsports.com website, the witty and hugely popular "Big___Al." Al had apparently offended the thin-skinned and thick-skulled fans by pointing out the obvious: Soccer and its fans are stupid, boring and ####.

Big___Al made the mistake of leaving his heavily fortified Pennsylvania compound unarmed this afternoon. "I thought, with the matches going on, that all the nuts would be taking their soccer-induced naps," Al stated while recuperating comfortably at the Playboy Mansion. "Boy, was I wrong!"

Al went on to state that even he had not fully grasped the total depravity of these lunatics, the soccer fans.

Upon realizing that he was surrounded by an estimated 1,500 to 2,000 crazed soccer devotees intent on doing him harm, Big___Al retaliated valiantly by kicking them in the shins, causing hundreds to be hauled from the melee on stretchers. Eventually, though, their thousands of weak little fists were just too much, and Al collapsed from laughter or exhaustion, it is not clear which.

"That is when it got truly scary," Al continued. "They started with their homoerotic threats...you know, 'I'm gonna make you my woman' and the like. But I pulled out the tweezers from my Swiss Army knife, and the fear of instant castration made them back away."

Big___Al is expected to make a full and speedy recovery, and pick up on writing his blog again soon. "I'm not going to let a few hundred million soccer fairies silence me!" he exclaimed, taking another sip of his martini.

 

I would have written something sooner, but I just woke up from a nap brought on by that scintillating soccer match earlier today. Really, they should market this "sport" to all the sleeping pill addicts...they'd be off the things in no time!

The good news is that millions of right-thinking Americans breathed a huge collective sigh of relief when the USA team went down (pun intended) in todays match, thus reducing the chances that soccer will ever gain any popularity whatsoever in this country. "Lose One for the Children!" is my chant. Every loss is another nail in the coffin of those who wish to convert our little precious ones using the evil "sport" called soccer.

The bad thing was that a few thousand Americans were turned into lazy and non-productive European types, sleeping mid-day when they should have been working. I even heard on the news that 17 people fell into soccer-induced comas, and there were three apparent suicides resulting from the excruciating boredom of the match, which understandably must have stolen their very will to continue on this earth.

 

AP, June 2006

Somehow, Slobodan Miloševic has resurrected his career and resumed playing--and playing well--for the Serbia & Montenegro World Cup team. After the years of rigorous "training" at the hands of the brutal U.N. Soccer Evaluation Squad had appeared to end his playing days, his comeback is nothing short of miraculous.

"My heart condition hasn't exactly returned to 100%,"  Miloševic said after yesterday's match, "but soccer players are generally such wimps that I foresee little problem in keeping up. In fact, I intend to dominate!" He went on to state, "If we meet up with that team from The Hague...er, I mean The Netherlands, there's going to be hell to pay!"

Realizing the need for additional security for Serbia & Montenegro matches, FIFA has called in the United States armed forces, as it appears the U.N. security team is embroiled in "negotiations," and the French military has collectively soiled itself.

 

What, you need proof?



OK, first off, if you believe that humans descended from #### you're probably a soccer fan, but that is not the point. It is as if this game never evolved....it is still in the #### stage! Kick the round ball around a large field, once in a blue moon into the "goal." You can only move the ball downfield by kicking it. But wait! Some Neanderthal decided that you can also use your head. Apparently the advancement stopped with that brilliant decision, and no one since has figured out that it would be more efficient, not to mention more interesting, to actually use those appendages attached to our upper bodies. (Oh, but they can do a "throw in." Yet they are so #### that they have to use a two armed overhand toss! What is it, a medicine ball they are throwing?!)

The ####ness of soccer and its fans really knows no bounds. What is up with those stupid large gloves the goalies wear? They look like those large foam "#1" hands that brain-dead fans wear at other sporting events. What, is the round air-filled soccer ball going to really hurt if they block it?! It's not a freaking hockey puck! And can you imagine anyone in a real American sport, after getting kicked in the shins, rolling around and crying like they've just been shot?! In fact, even if we had been shot, we wouldn't put on such a pathetic display.

I'm not even going to touch on the American fans of this "sport." It is sickening to see our youth being forced to abandon a real and traditional American sport like baseball in order to play this pansy game, by liberals and "soccer moms" and other malcontents.

As to the frothing-at-the-mouth fandom in the rest of the world, do I need to elaborate? These have to be the stupidest people in the world. The game is so boring that the fans display a complete disconnect with the game while it's going on. When they're not impaling darts in each other's skulls, they are inappropriately singing and chanting the whole time with no apparent regard to the on-field play.

I'm trying to like it, I really am...in fact I'm watching it right now, and I'll be tuning in tomorrow to root on the good old U.S. of A. But you can bet I'll be checking to see if my testicles are shriveling up the whole time.