This will be the last thing I write before the judges tell us who won . . . though with the way things have gone the last day or so, I really wouldn’t be surprised if they just called this whole thing off. I bet it stinks for them to watch this really fun experiment turn nasty because a few people got out of control . . . But anyway . . .

I just wanted to take the chance to sincerely say to those who took the time to read and comment . . . “thank you.” It means a lot to know that, in a competition with odds such as this one, what you are putting out there is entertaining to some people.

I would also like to say that there are some very talented writers out there. It has been a blast reading all of your work. I would list my favorites, but I don’t want to start another ridiculous round of accusations, hyperbole, etc. You know who you are.


To whomever wins, I look forward to reading your stuff. Good luck and God Bless.

Santa gave “On Company Time” an unusual and unexpected Christmas gift this year. In my stocking I found a faded, brown piece of parchment, tied with what appeared to be tinsel. When I opened it, I was shocked to find a volumous list of last year’s New Year’s resolutions made by athletes and celebrities alike.

The note attached was barely legible as it was covered in what looked and smelled like eggnog. Through the mess, I could barely read: “Love the blog. Thought you might be able to use this. Keep up the great work . . . oh, and about the Vlad-to-Boston trade you asked for . . . give me a break. I’m Santa not Scott Boras. SC”

In the spirit of the season, I thought I’d share a few of them with you.

Joe Pa
Lead unlikely return to prominence. Win 2005 Coach of the Year. Trounce lifelong archrival and nemesis in BCS Bowl. Run a sub-four minute mile. Bowl a 300. Beat Takeru Kobayashi’s hot dog eating record. Institute a playoff in college football. Shoot a 59. Become a carnie, possibly as a barker for the Yak woman.

Johnny Damon
1. Win second World Series.
2. Be fabulous.
3. Obsess over personal appearance more than any straight man ever should. If possible, undermine status as pop-culture icon by selling soul to Satan. Not sure how to do this. Keep thinking.

Terrell Owens
--Get new contract.
--Alienate fans and teammates.
--Move crunch rack to driveway.
--Plan birthday bash.
--Thank Drew for resurrecting my career.

Barry Bonds
’05 is the year I finally break Hank’s record and solidify myself as the greatest baseball player in the history of the world . . . no, in the galaxy! Yeah. The galaxy. As long as Vic keeps me hooked up, I’m in there. I love me.
SPECIAL RESOLUTION ADDENDUM: If by chance, Bud actually decides to do something about ‘roids, I will sit out most of the year . . . I think I’ll fake a knee injury. By ’06, the fans will be ready for me to break the Hammer’s record. Man, I hate the fans. Almost as much as I hate my teammates.

Peyton Manning
In ’05 I will finally undergo a complete image makeover. I will get a new favorite song—the guys in the locker room seem to be tired of the theme to Top Gun. (Note to self: Ask Edge to help with this one.) I will stop cutting my hair with the Flowbee; I will grow ####s to cover my giant forehead; I will use “product.” (Note to self: Find out who cuts Tom Brady’s hair. Stay away from this person.) I will stop acting like I am better than my teammates; I will audible less; I will listen more. I will stop making the Peyton-face whenever something goes wrong. (Note to self: Talk with Eli. He could use some help with this, too.)

Rafael Palmeiro
1. In ’05 I will finally earn the props I have been lacking my whole career. I deserve to be in the same category as those other guys: McGwire, Sosa, Bonds, Giambi. What do I have to do to get some respect?They make a phone call, and--BAM!--dude’s on the way over with their stuff. Me? I get a machine . . . I bet Pudge doesn’t get a machine! But this year’s different . . . this year my dealer’s gonna’ recognize.
2. Ask someone what a subpoena is. Does it show up in a urine test? What are the side affects?
3. Check with Jose to see if Viagra and Dianabol can be taken together.

Kobe
Haven’t made up my mind. In ’05 I will either resolve to stay away from Colorado, be nice to Phil, take less shots, dish more to my teammates, and say positive, uplifiting things about Shaq, OR I will make people refer to me as the Mamba, take more shots than Paris Hilton, and unexplainably wear full length black tights under my uni. Not sure which direction to take.

Phil
1. Destroy Kobe by surrounding him with inferior talent and encouraging him to shoot 87 times a night.
2. Help Jerry align his chakras.

Jake the Snake
I had a vision last night. In it, Y.A. Tittle came to me and said, ‘the secret to the promise land is a shaved head. Trim your locks, Jake, and you will make the playoffs.’ I woke up and immediately went to the bathroom. I covered my head in shaving cream. But before I ran the razor through my mane, I had a sobering thought. “What kind of name is Tittle, anyway?” Screw the shaved head. In ’05 I’m growing a neck beard. If that doesn’t get me to the playoffs, I’ll retire.

Dante Culpepper
1. Live large with Moss gone! Me and Nate Burleson are taking over the League! Gonna be a big year, baby!
2. Make sure Brad Johnson gets my takeout orders right at Denny’s—no more screw-ups like last season.
3. Talk with Smoot about preseason weekend getaway. Thinking something low key, maybe a weekend literary symposium at U of Minn. But, could change my mind. See what Fred thinks.
4. Remind Onterrio to give back my Whizzinator.


Hmmm . . . seems like most of these guys were hit or miss. Glad to know athletes, coaches, and myself have something in common.

More later . . .

If you read my blog you know I have taken it upon myself to provide a glimpse into the painful world which is my career. This should have been a big week. Performance evaluations and office Christmas party. So we had the Christmas party last night . . . let me tell you, my friends, the blog Gods are angry. I don’t know what I have done to offend. Every year there is enough fodder to fill days worth of screen space. This year? Nothing. I was going to make up something but I didn’t have the heart. Other than one of the Linewomen’s sweater briefly catching on fire, it was uneventful. (It was “The Fridge,” for those of you who read my post “ARod, TO, and The Linewomen,” and she came out of the conflagration unscathed. I tell you, I haven’t seen quicker feet since Jerry Rice was in his prime. It was a sight to behold.)

My performance evaluations were even more predictable. Not much performance to evaluate. I finished ahead of some, behind most. Which means if I were a major league pitcher I would get 4 years and $56 Million.

On to some sports ramblings . . .

According to the LA Times, an annulment was granted in court on Thursday, meaning that in the eyes of the law, Renee Zellweger's marriage to Kenny Chesney never existed. No truth to the rumor that several Jets fans unsuccessfully tried to have this season annulled.

Continuing with the theme of terrible teams, an AP story reports that the State of Louisiana has formally requested that the New Orleans Saints return home . . . everyone except Aaron Brooks.

More awful football. The Arizona Cardinals have played their final game in Sun Devil Stadium, the home field of Arizona State University. Average attendance over the 2003-2004 seasons was about 36,000. Let’s put it into perspective: The average league attendance for 2004 was 67,000. Even more humiliating is the fact that Arizona State averaged 62,641 during the same time period. How pissed off do you think taxpayers are going to be watching Cade McNown and Kurt Warner gimp to perpetual four win seasons in an empty stadium built on tax payers dollars? What a terrible organization.

I’m a sucker for entertainment news. So, did you hear about the controversy on Chris Rock’s TV show? During the most recent episode of UPN’s “Everybody Hates Chris," the character of Rock's brother suddenly told his younger sister that Santa doesn't exist. WHAT??? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU HAVE TO BE JOKING!!!!! SAY IT AIN’T SO!!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT CHRIS ROCK HAS A TV SHOW ON UPN????? YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!

No matter how many times I remind myself it’s a business, no matter that I know he hasn’t always been a Red Sock, Damon’s departure rips my guts out. (“Johnny, you had me at the grandslam in game 7 of the ’04 ADLS . . . you had me at the grandslam . . .”) I am going to try and write a blog about this, but it is proving too difficult to write a column that doesn’t have all the attributes of the Kubler-Ross grief cycle, and doesn’t end with me crying into my key-board. “WWJDD?” Sell his soul to the Devil, apparently . . .

Finally, Dan Wetzel of Yahoo.com makes the point today that I have been yammering about for the last year. First. Let me say that I hate the BCS. College Football needs a playoff. But if USC wins this year, they will not be 3-peating. They will have won their second BSC National Championship in a row. USC was as much of a BCS champion in ’03 as Auburn was in ’04. Why don’t people remember this? Because Wetzel says it better than I can, I’ll close with his words:

“Yes, the Trojans wound up being crowned champs by the Associated Press pollsters [in '03], which is fine and dandy, but that has no official bearing on anything. Before the 1997 creation of the BCS, the AP was about all anyone had, so it is understandable why teams cited its results. But post-'97 it is meaningless.
The agreed upon system was and is the BCS, not the BCS or a popularity contest if it turns out a certain team doesn't like the BCS. You can't rewrite the rules after the fact just because it benefits you.
Now, we understand why the Trojans would lay claim to the 2003 title. The BCS is so pathetic, untrustworthy and impossibly bad, it is human nature to just selectively ignore it. But intellectually it doesn't work that way. The official 2003 champion was LSU.”

More later . . .

It didn’t make national headlines. Heck, it didn’t make regional headlines. But something profound happened at Mississippi State University earlier this week. The MSU head football coach Sylvester Croom, former RB coach for the Green Bay Packers and the first black head coach in SEC history, was given a lengthy contract extension. Why is this news? Glad you asked . . .

In a press release, athletic Director Larry Templeton stated the reason: "This contract extension acknowledges the progress the Mississippi State football program has made under the leadership of head football coach Sylvester Croom."

Wait a minute. Progress made under Croom?

The Bulldogs just finished their second consecutive eight-loss season. Two of their three wins were against Tulane and Murray State. The last two seasons have seen the Dogs triumph over SEC foes only three times, while enduring blowout losses to Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, and Florida. Not to mention a 51-0 drubbing at the hands of LSU.

Success? Progress? Let’s put it this way . . . if Donald Trump were this successful he’d be ringing up your groceries at the local supermarket.

A contract extension for Croom? More like a contract buyout, right? Right?

Not exactly.

In an age where college football’s “what have you done for me lately mentality” runs unchecked, MSU’s standard of “progress” is a breath of fresh air. It seems wins and losses aren’t the only measure of success. What Croom is doing off the field counts. And what he is doing is rather impressive. According to an article on the athletic department website, the football team has the highest GPA of any major sport for the last two semesters. For the first time since the 70's. The head coach preaches character and accountability, something previously lacking in the program. In 2002, Jackie Sherrill skipped out of town after leaving the Bulldogs with only 8 wins since ’01. Team talent? Sherrill left the cupboard nearly dry. But worst of all, he left the stink of an NCAA investigation. But Croom takes it tall in stride.

I’m not sure why minority coaches are less prevalent in the NCAA than in the NFL. I believe it may be that Presidents and AD’s are less likely to take a chance on an unproven coach because of the risk of running afoul of boosters and alumni. And let’s face it . . . it’s not fair, but most minority coaches have little head coach experience. It’s an unfortunate Catch 22. Most universities, it seems, won’t risk the chance.

Kudos to MSU for taking a chance on the first black coach in the SEC. And in this latest move, for giving Croom a REAL chance to reshape a struggling program. A chance to build young men into outstanding students, athletes . . . and people. A chance to win more than 3 games in a season.

You can’t imagine MSU always settling for 3 win seasons. Nor should they. But you get the feeling Croom will get a legitimate shot to prove what he’s made of. Which is all he’s asking for in the first place.

So it’s early. Real early. If it’s hard to do this at work (see, oh, I don’t know, ALL of my previous posts) it’s harder at home. Dial up. Two kids under two. No peace. So, I gotta get up early on a Sunday to make it happen. That’s dedication, people. I’d love to hear from anyone else who has the same plight.

No office drama today (though this week should bring several fun little tid-bits of office info: a look at my company’s COO (you’ll love to hate this guy), our comapany Christmas party, and my performance evaluations for this quarter. Can’t wait to share). . . On to sports . . .

NFL Ramblings
The Patriots over the Bucs. Who knew they had a 28-0 butt kicking of the Bucs in them? If you live outside of New England and try and tell me that you thought they had a chance after the loss at Indy (remember, that loss put them at 4-4), you are a dirty liar.

One question. When you wake up this Sunday morning, do you honestly have to begin to consider if the Pats are Super Bowl contenders? I think you might have to. There is some kind of funky karma going on in Foxborough, and I know the source. Three words: Belichik's. Homeless. Parka.


The Giants over the Chiefs. We could talk about Tiki’s 220 and 2, but that wouldn’t be as much fun as talking about crazy #### Vermeil. Here’s the Weepy One’s quote from the post game press conference: "We weren't worth a damn. I'm not worth a damn. No one's worth a damn.” There was a moment about three years before my grandmother passed away where I clearly recognized the beginning of the end. We were eating dinner. She motioned to the salt and said, “Could you please pass the umbrella.” I think we are witnessing Vermeil’s “pass the umbrella” moment. If you are a Chiefs fan, are you proud of this guy? (I’d like to hear from all the Chiefs fans out there on this one. Why don’t the two of you confer and give me a consensus answer.)

Broncs over the Bills. After their 28-17 win over the Bills, Bronco’s QB Jake Plummer was effusive in his praise for WR Rod Smith, who had 11 catches for 137 and a TD. Said Plummer: "[Rod’s] the heart and soul of our offense." This comment came as a surprise to the entire team who, up to this point, thought Plummer’s neck beard was the soul of the team.

Jake the Snake is a surprising 30-11 since joining the Broncos in 2003. If he wasn’t playing in Denver, who let’s face it, still has an Elway hangover, would his legacy be different? Share your thoughts.


NBA Ramblings
Def Jam recording artist Foxy Brown told reporters last week that she hasn't heard a human voice in six months and that she will have surgery early next year to restore her hearing. Rumor has it, Foxy’s unexplained deafness occurred shortly after listening to Pacer’s star Ron Artest’s new rap album.

Speaking of Artest, latest news is that he is staying put in Indy. No truth to the rumor that teammates have requested the name plate above his locker be changed to “Manny Ramirez.”


CFBL Ramblings
BREAKING NEWS!! Stories over the weekend reported that Reggie Bush will reportedly declare himself eligible for the NFL draft. This comes as a relief to the Houstons, Jets, and 49ers, who have been throwing every game for the last three weeks in an attempt to win the Bush lottery.

Seriously, this is news to no one. More people were surprised when Cheryl Swoopes came out (What?!! A WNBA star is ####?!! Oh, the humanity . . . ).


MLB Ramblings
“Pitcher Ugueth Urbina must remain in jail until his trial on attempted murder charges, a Venezuelan tribunal decided after prosecutors formally presented their evidence.”

Just a thought here, but when the word tribunal is mentioned, you are screwed.



See you tomorrow with a recap of the day’s games, as only “On Company Time” can do it.

I said I’d keep the office stuff to a minimum, but people, it’s just too much to bear. I need an outlet.

So I got cornered by our IT guy today. My bet is that every office has “this guy.” He knows so little about sports, yet, because he’s from Green Bay, considers himself a Packers aficionado. When I first met Cheesehead (his real name has been changed because . . . well, because I don’t know it, OK? I’m a terrible person.) several years ago, I noticed the “Wis-CAN-sin” accent. I live in Alabama so this is unusual. I say, “Where are you from?” He says, “Green Bay.” I say, “Ohhhhh! A real, live Packer fan!” For a nano-second, I am in heaven. Like Bartolo Colon at Denny’s, I believe I have just entered the promise land. “Another sports fan? Hallelujah! My days of toiling in the sports fan’s black hole are over.” I am ecstatic. And then all my hope is destroyed. I say, “So, do you think it was a good move taking Nick Barnet in the first round?” The blank stare said more than words ever could. Cheesehead obviously spent most of his life in his parent’s basement tinkering with various electronic devices. When his mom bought him his first Commodore 64 back in ’83, he was hooked. 20 years later he’s my IT guy. Which is not so bad, except now we have made the Packer connection. Anytime he sees me, and I mean every, single time, he’s says something like, “Heey there, the PAY-ckers are REE-ly gittin’ it DUN, this YEER, HUH?” I don’t have the heart to mention Farve’s demise, his 42 interceptions, Samkon Gado, etc. So I laugh and say, “Oh, yeah. Tearing it up.” And shuffle along. Sigh . . .

On to my ramblings . . .

NBA
I am convinced Ron Artest has no friends. Know how I know? If he had friends, they would have never let him get that stupid haircut (what’s with me and haircuts today?). There is not one person is his life who has the chutzpah to say, "Yo, Ron Ron . . . ummmm . . . about that hair cut idea . . . " I have, like, two friends. Not that tight with either of them. But they would call foul if I proposed something that stupid. But then again, they're not scared that I might attack them.

Oh, my gosh! Did anyone see that Charlotte-New Jersey game on Wednesday night? I didn’t think so.

Is it just me or does Carmelo Anthony look like Andruw Jones with braids? I can't help but wonder if their careers will be similar: tons of potential, moments of brilliance, but overall lacking the drive to push themselves to the next level (though Jones finally put together a great year this season). We'll see . . .


NCAA Football
I am so tired of ESPN broadcasting news conferences for recruits to announce what school they're attending. What’s next: “Tim Tebo will announce in a press conference on Monday his choice of breakfast cereal. He's narrowed it down to Frosted Flakes, Lucky Charms, and Smacks!. (Word is that he eliminated Rice Crispies because of some questions regarding the "alternate lifestyle" of Snap, Crackle, and Pop.) "We're excited to be in the running for Tebo's services," said Tony the Tiger. "We think he has GREEEEAAAATTT potential." Lucky the Leprechaun entertained reporters for half an hour or so at his complex, but no newsworthy quotes emerged during what could only be described as a continuous stream of unintelligible gibberish. "Dig 'em the Frog” did not return phone calls left at his office.”

For whatever it's worth. I think Texas has the best chance of any team in the last two seasons of beating USC. USC's defense is fallible, especially in the secondary. Besides, Vince Young looks a lot like R Kelly. Just an observation.


NCAA Basketball
October through March = pre-season.

Check back with me after Selection Sunday.