Back again. Sorry I had to go so quickly. Our company’s COO was breezing through our “area,” you know, just checking things out. If he only knew . . .

I have more thoughts, but I would be doing an injustice if I didn’t devote at least a few lines to this fellow; I feel like maybe everyone has “this guy” in their lives in some form. Indulge me for a moment . . .

I call him "Lossman," as in JP, because he is almost an athlete. But he’s more clumsy white guy than QB. "Lossman’s" in charge of all of our operations and he conducts his job with a zeal usually reserved for members of ####’s SS. There was a time I thought he was a sports fan. But he is not. (He knows enough team and player names from cultural osmosis to give the impression that he follows sport. But if you told him that Troy Polamalu was Don ####’s ukulele player he wouldn’t doubt you.) Then I thought he was just a guy who excelled in athletics. But he is not. He is simply a guy who likes racquetball. Or jogging. Or playing the occasional pick up game at the Y. Or riding his “not-too-old-but-just-old-enough-to-be-really-unco
ol” bike (which he refers to as a cycle, as in, “So I cycled 35 miles this weekend and I’m not even sore.”). He is behind our company’s ban on Internet use, decorations, fraternization, personal phone calls, joy, hope, etc. If he ever caught me online, doing this, I would probably lose my job. But thank goodness he will never sneak up on me. Like the robin heralds the coming of Spring, the combination of English Leather and Right-Guard spray deodorant announces his arrival LONG before he’s actually in sight. As long as my sinuses are clear . . . I am safe.

Anyway, Lossman will be giving out the Christmas gifts in the next couple of days. Can’t wait to share. Just a quick look at sports . . .


MLB Rambling

This is priceless. One of my favorite stories of the day.

Alfonso Soriano, recently acquired by the Nationals from the Rangers, said yesterday that he does not want to change positions and will try and request a trade back to the AL when the year is up. In an AP article, Soriano said he had a greater comfort level in the AL, and he plans to become a free agent after next season and sign with an AL team.

"[In the American League] I knew the pitchers and batters of opposing teams and, therefore, where to place myself defensively. In the National that's going to take me a while," he said. Which could be a really, really bad thing. You see, Soriano committed the most errors (21) of any starting 2nd Basemen in the AL and had the worst fielding percentage (.972). He had the worst range factor and the worst zone rating. And this was when he knew where to “place himself defensively.” Hi, Mr. Soriano? Yes, it’s me . . . no . . . over here. Yes, hi. If I may, one word of advice: Short of positioning yourself under the dugout, it doesn’t matter where you play because you are a terrible fielder. You couldn’t catch an STD in Tijuana. Good grief.


Why Soccer Will Never Catch On In The USA . . .

Dateline: Italy. An AP story states that Italian soccer player Paolo Di Canio was suspended for one game on Tuesday for making a fascist salute to fans during a match last weekend. So that’s strike-one for me right there. Can you imagine Chipper Jones, or Willie Roaf, or Paul Pierce rounding first, finishing a block, or sinking a 3 and then giving props to their favorite oppressive governmenta regime? Didn’t think so.

But here’s the kicker . . . And I quote the article:

“The game featured teams whose fans have opposing political allegiances: Lazio fans waved swastika flags while Livorno fans had red Communist flags. Clashes between Livorno fans and police were reported outside the stadium before the game, with one officer slightly injured.”

Oh, yeah. You heard right. Swastikas. Communist flags. Armed conflict with law enforcement. Now, I don’t know about you, but this sounds like my kind of entertainment. Nothing like mixing a monotonous, low-scoring sport with hard to learn rules and positions, with radical political views and a form of totalitarianism that was responsible for the genocide of millions of people. I don’t know about you, but I for one am hooked. “OK, honey let’s see. Gotta make sure we’re all set for the big soccer game. Camera? Check. Sunscreen? Check. Swastika? Swastika? Honey, for the love of Pete, you forgot the Swastika? Son-of-a . . .

Have fun folks. I’ll be back with more tomorrow . . .