This will be the last thing I write before the judges tell us who won . . . though with the way things have gone the last day or so, I really wouldn’t be surprised if they just called this whole thing off. I bet it stinks for them to watch this really fun experiment turn nasty because a few people got out of control . . . But anyway . . .

I just wanted to take the chance to sincerely say to those who took the time to read and comment . . . “thank you.” It means a lot to know that, in a competition with odds such as this one, what you are putting out there is entertaining to some people.

I would also like to say that there are some very talented writers out there. It has been a blast reading all of your work. I would list my favorites, but I don’t want to start another ridiculous round of accusations, hyperbole, etc. You know who you are.


To whomever wins, I look forward to reading your stuff. Good luck and God Bless.

Last night I watched a regular season college basketball game.

Big deal, right?

Well, for me it is. You see, I used to be a pretty huge hoops fan. I was weaned on Larry Legend and Magic. Came into my own in Jordan’s heyday. Was captivated by Clyde, wowed by Worthy, and dazzled by Dumars. Scottie, The Dream, Isiah, The Mailman . . . I knew them all well.

And it wasn’t just the pro game. Some of my first college sport memories were of the March Madness variety: the epic Georgetown/Houston matchup in ’84; Bob Knight’s Indiana team in ’85; the Running Rebs’ of UNLV in ’90; Duke’s run with Hurley, Hill, Laettner, et. al. There was a time when I loved college hoops. But something happened on the way to “middle-aged.”

I lost interest in the game.

I can’t figure out exactly why this happened. I have tried to pin it on the emergent hip-hop culture that pervades the NBA. I have wondered if being a nearly thirty, middle-class white guy makes it hard to relate to the mostly young, mostly black, mostly wealthy athletes who play the game. But I’m convinced this isn’t it. When I have followed basketball sporadically over the last few years, I have been watching AI, Ben Wallace, KG, LeBron. These men definitely represent a culture to which I cannot relate very much. But when you watch them play, you don’t see culture, you see game. Besides, I never identified with Stockton's tighty-whities either.

I think maybe the changing nature of the pro-game has something to do with it . . . the departure from the fundamental team game and the prevalence of the “1-on-1 at the top of the key, clear out the lane, drive to the hole” playground mentality. But even this complaint seems flimsy. There will always be good teams playing sound basketball. And this only explains the reason for not watching the pro game. College ball is still fairly solid in terms of fundamentals.

So, I don’t know exactly why I stopped watching the game. Maybe it’s a combination of things. But I do know this. I know why I tuned in last night, why for the first time in years I made a concerted effort to be in front of the TV when a basketball game tipped off.

The reason? Simple. Adam Morrison.

I know, I know. Some of you hoops aficionados out there might scoff: “He’s not a complete player.” Yeah, I’ve heard that. And it may be true. But I’m not interested in all that right now. I’m just trying to see if this kid is for real. And you know what? I think he may be.

Like many, I tuned in to the Memphis-Gonzaga matchup hoping to see a game that lived up to the hype. But unlike many, I cared less about the game itself and more about Morrison. I had heard the comparisons to Bird, and was intrigued. Other than Morrison going stone cold in the last 9 minutes (due to Memphis lock-down D), he lived up to my expectations. But it’s funny . . . there’s something about the way Morrison carries himself that reminds me less of Bird and more of Pistol Pete. Obviously, Maravich and Morrison’s game aren’t reminiscent of one another, but there is something about Morrison’s swagger that reminds me of that air of confidence that Maravich had. Not ego, per se, but confidence in the skill, confidence in the ability to beat you, to hit the clutch shot, to go off for 40. Morrison has that.

Morrison is averaging 28 a game, and last night against Memphis, went for 34. He is so fun to watch. The way he moves away from the ball, his high release, the moppish hair, the Freddie Prinze ala “Chico and the Man” moustache . . . He draws in the casual fan and reminds me why college hoops are so enjoyable. (He also reminds me a lot of Jimmie Fallon, but that is beside the point.) But I think the comparisons to Bird are not completely accurate. Bird played relentless, tenacious defense. Morrison admits he doesn’t care to D-up. Bird wasn’t necessarily an assist machine, but was the master of the timely “dime.” Morrison could use some improvement in this area. But when it comes to shooting . . . dang. The boy’s a gunner. And I can definitely understand the Bird comparisons there.

Will Morrison lead ‘Zaga to the Dance? I don’t know. Will he be able to make the leap to the pros? Can’t say. But I do know he has helped a former fan find new interest in the game. That should count for something, right?

Santa gave “On Company Time” an unusual and unexpected Christmas gift this year. In my stocking I found a faded, brown piece of parchment, tied with what appeared to be tinsel. When I opened it, I was shocked to find a volumous list of last year’s New Year’s resolutions made by athletes and celebrities alike.

The note attached was barely legible as it was covered in what looked and smelled like eggnog. Through the mess, I could barely read: “Love the blog. Thought you might be able to use this. Keep up the great work . . . oh, and about the Vlad-to-Boston trade you asked for . . . give me a break. I’m Santa not Scott Boras. SC”

In the spirit of the season, I thought I’d share a few of them with you.

Joe Pa
Lead unlikely return to prominence. Win 2005 Coach of the Year. Trounce lifelong archrival and nemesis in BCS Bowl. Run a sub-four minute mile. Bowl a 300. Beat Takeru Kobayashi’s hot dog eating record. Institute a playoff in college football. Shoot a 59. Become a carnie, possibly as a barker for the Yak woman.

Johnny Damon
1. Win second World Series.
2. Be fabulous.
3. Obsess over personal appearance more than any straight man ever should. If possible, undermine status as pop-culture icon by selling soul to Satan. Not sure how to do this. Keep thinking.

Terrell Owens
--Get new contract.
--Alienate fans and teammates.
--Move crunch rack to driveway.
--Plan birthday bash.
--Thank Drew for resurrecting my career.

Barry Bonds
’05 is the year I finally break Hank’s record and solidify myself as the greatest baseball player in the history of the world . . . no, in the galaxy! Yeah. The galaxy. As long as Vic keeps me hooked up, I’m in there. I love me.
SPECIAL RESOLUTION ADDENDUM: If by chance, Bud actually decides to do something about ‘roids, I will sit out most of the year . . . I think I’ll fake a knee injury. By ’06, the fans will be ready for me to break the Hammer’s record. Man, I hate the fans. Almost as much as I hate my teammates.

Peyton Manning
In ’05 I will finally undergo a complete image makeover. I will get a new favorite song—the guys in the locker room seem to be tired of the theme to Top Gun. (Note to self: Ask Edge to help with this one.) I will stop cutting my hair with the Flowbee; I will grow ####s to cover my giant forehead; I will use “product.” (Note to self: Find out who cuts Tom Brady’s hair. Stay away from this person.) I will stop acting like I am better than my teammates; I will audible less; I will listen more. I will stop making the Peyton-face whenever something goes wrong. (Note to self: Talk with Eli. He could use some help with this, too.)

Rafael Palmeiro
1. In ’05 I will finally earn the props I have been lacking my whole career. I deserve to be in the same category as those other guys: McGwire, Sosa, Bonds, Giambi. What do I have to do to get some respect?They make a phone call, and--BAM!--dude’s on the way over with their stuff. Me? I get a machine . . . I bet Pudge doesn’t get a machine! But this year’s different . . . this year my dealer’s gonna’ recognize.
2. Ask someone what a subpoena is. Does it show up in a urine test? What are the side affects?
3. Check with Jose to see if Viagra and Dianabol can be taken together.

Kobe
Haven’t made up my mind. In ’05 I will either resolve to stay away from Colorado, be nice to Phil, take less shots, dish more to my teammates, and say positive, uplifiting things about Shaq, OR I will make people refer to me as the Mamba, take more shots than Paris Hilton, and unexplainably wear full length black tights under my uni. Not sure which direction to take.

Phil
1. Destroy Kobe by surrounding him with inferior talent and encouraging him to shoot 87 times a night.
2. Help Jerry align his chakras.

Jake the Snake
I had a vision last night. In it, Y.A. Tittle came to me and said, ‘the secret to the promise land is a shaved head. Trim your locks, Jake, and you will make the playoffs.’ I woke up and immediately went to the bathroom. I covered my head in shaving cream. But before I ran the razor through my mane, I had a sobering thought. “What kind of name is Tittle, anyway?” Screw the shaved head. In ’05 I’m growing a neck beard. If that doesn’t get me to the playoffs, I’ll retire.

Dante Culpepper
1. Live large with Moss gone! Me and Nate Burleson are taking over the League! Gonna be a big year, baby!
2. Make sure Brad Johnson gets my takeout orders right at Denny’s—no more screw-ups like last season.
3. Talk with Smoot about preseason weekend getaway. Thinking something low key, maybe a weekend literary symposium at U of Minn. But, could change my mind. See what Fred thinks.
4. Remind Onterrio to give back my Whizzinator.


Hmmm . . . seems like most of these guys were hit or miss. Glad to know athletes, coaches, and myself have something in common.

More later . . .

I’m a Boston Red Sox fan. Born and raised in Alabama. I’ve never been to Beantown. May never go. But I have lived and died with the Sox, Celts, and Pats since I was nine years old.

Why nine?

I was born in ’77. Which made me nine in ’86. What happened in ’86? Think hard. Game 6 of the World Series. 10th inning. Two outs. Mookie. Buckner. Routine ground ball that was anything but routine. Stayed on the rug as if the Babe himself was blowing it under Bill’s mit. Boston collapsed. The Mets recovered to win the Series. Curse continued.

Why would such an infamous moment, a moment of failure, draw in a young boy? During the twenty years since that night, I have wondered why that particular game birthed a lifelong love affair. And I think I know the answer. It was the first time in my young life where I truly realized the passion that sport invokes. And that sometimes this passion is strongest in moments of defeat. That’s what Buckner did for me.

I remember watching game seven of that series, remember what it felt like when the Sox held then squandered a three run lead, and remember thinking, “This is my team.” I witnessed one of the most infamous moments in the history of the franchise and it owned me. And I have been owned ever since.

With the fiasco surrounding Johnny Damon this week, I have at times laughed at myself and at others. I am an educated guy, pretty well-read, mostly even keel emotionally. I had been following the Damon trade talks, and knew what would probably come of them. That is why I was so shocked by what happened. Not that Damon was traded. But my reaction to it.

Why did I feel like I had been kicked in the stomach?

Damon only played for Boston for four years. He played in KC for six years, for cryin’ out loud. Oakland for one. He didn’t come up through the Boston system. Why the attachment? Why have most Boston fans treated this as if Teddy Ballgame up and joined Joe D in the Yankee outfield?

I’ll tell you why. For the same reason a young boy got hooked on a then-cursed franchise: passion.

To Boston fans, Damon became the personification of Boston’s baseball plight. His attitude represented the collective attitude of Sawx fans everywhere, an attitude forged by years of “you’ll never be better than second best” futility. At some point, you just say “what the hell.” That's exactly what the ’03 -’04 Red Sox did. This attitude birthed the merry band of “idiots,” of whom Damon (along with Millar) was the ring leader: Manny, Papi, Varitek, D Lowe, Trot, Arroyo, Schill . . . And something happened along the way. Damon and the idiots ended 86 years of baseball purgatory. And did so in dramatic fashion. Damon’s Game 7, Yankee killing grandslam may be one of the greatest moments in baseball history.

Damon endeared himself to fans in a way that few players ever have or ever will. He was that big in Boston. That’s why this hurts. Somehow, in a weird sort of way, it takes away a little of the magic from that oh-so-magical season. It’s not that Johnny left. It’s who he left for.

Forgive Sox fans for their moments of hyperbole, for overstatement, for emotions that swing too far to one side of the pendulum. In our hearts, we know that it’s a business, we know fans are the ones who put the emphasis on loyalty, and we realize somewhere way down deep that Johnny made the right business decision.

Even if we know it’s just a game, it still hurts. But somehow, kinda like that groundball in game 6 of the ’86 series, the hurt will keep us coming back.

If you read my blog you know I have taken it upon myself to provide a glimpse into the painful world which is my career. This should have been a big week. Performance evaluations and office Christmas party. So we had the Christmas party last night . . . let me tell you, my friends, the blog Gods are angry. I don’t know what I have done to offend. Every year there is enough fodder to fill days worth of screen space. This year? Nothing. I was going to make up something but I didn’t have the heart. Other than one of the Linewomen’s sweater briefly catching on fire, it was uneventful. (It was “The Fridge,” for those of you who read my post “ARod, TO, and The Linewomen,” and she came out of the conflagration unscathed. I tell you, I haven’t seen quicker feet since Jerry Rice was in his prime. It was a sight to behold.)

My performance evaluations were even more predictable. Not much performance to evaluate. I finished ahead of some, behind most. Which means if I were a major league pitcher I would get 4 years and $56 Million.

On to some sports ramblings . . .

According to the LA Times, an annulment was granted in court on Thursday, meaning that in the eyes of the law, Renee Zellweger's marriage to Kenny Chesney never existed. No truth to the rumor that several Jets fans unsuccessfully tried to have this season annulled.

Continuing with the theme of terrible teams, an AP story reports that the State of Louisiana has formally requested that the New Orleans Saints return home . . . everyone except Aaron Brooks.

More awful football. The Arizona Cardinals have played their final game in Sun Devil Stadium, the home field of Arizona State University. Average attendance over the 2003-2004 seasons was about 36,000. Let’s put it into perspective: The average league attendance for 2004 was 67,000. Even more humiliating is the fact that Arizona State averaged 62,641 during the same time period. How pissed off do you think taxpayers are going to be watching Cade McNown and Kurt Warner gimp to perpetual four win seasons in an empty stadium built on tax payers dollars? What a terrible organization.

I’m a sucker for entertainment news. So, did you hear about the controversy on Chris Rock’s TV show? During the most recent episode of UPN’s “Everybody Hates Chris," the character of Rock's brother suddenly told his younger sister that Santa doesn't exist. WHAT??? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU HAVE TO BE JOKING!!!!! SAY IT AIN’T SO!!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT CHRIS ROCK HAS A TV SHOW ON UPN????? YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!

No matter how many times I remind myself it’s a business, no matter that I know he hasn’t always been a Red Sock, Damon’s departure rips my guts out. (“Johnny, you had me at the grandslam in game 7 of the ’04 ADLS . . . you had me at the grandslam . . .”) I am going to try and write a blog about this, but it is proving too difficult to write a column that doesn’t have all the attributes of the Kubler-Ross grief cycle, and doesn’t end with me crying into my key-board. “WWJDD?” Sell his soul to the Devil, apparently . . .

Finally, Dan Wetzel of Yahoo.com makes the point today that I have been yammering about for the last year. First. Let me say that I hate the BCS. College Football needs a playoff. But if USC wins this year, they will not be 3-peating. They will have won their second BSC National Championship in a row. USC was as much of a BCS champion in ’03 as Auburn was in ’04. Why don’t people remember this? Because Wetzel says it better than I can, I’ll close with his words:

“Yes, the Trojans wound up being crowned champs by the Associated Press pollsters [in '03], which is fine and dandy, but that has no official bearing on anything. Before the 1997 creation of the BCS, the AP was about all anyone had, so it is understandable why teams cited its results. But post-'97 it is meaningless.
The agreed upon system was and is the BCS, not the BCS or a popularity contest if it turns out a certain team doesn't like the BCS. You can't rewrite the rules after the fact just because it benefits you.
Now, we understand why the Trojans would lay claim to the 2003 title. The BCS is so pathetic, untrustworthy and impossibly bad, it is human nature to just selectively ignore it. But intellectually it doesn't work that way. The official 2003 champion was LSU.”

More later . . .

It didn’t make national headlines. Heck, it didn’t make regional headlines. But something profound happened at Mississippi State University earlier this week. The MSU head football coach Sylvester Croom, former RB coach for the Green Bay Packers and the first black head coach in SEC history, was given a lengthy contract extension. Why is this news? Glad you asked . . .

In a press release, athletic Director Larry Templeton stated the reason: "This contract extension acknowledges the progress the Mississippi State football program has made under the leadership of head football coach Sylvester Croom."

Wait a minute. Progress made under Croom?

The Bulldogs just finished their second consecutive eight-loss season. Two of their three wins were against Tulane and Murray State. The last two seasons have seen the Dogs triumph over SEC foes only three times, while enduring blowout losses to Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, and Florida. Not to mention a 51-0 drubbing at the hands of LSU.

Success? Progress? Let’s put it this way . . . if Donald Trump were this successful he’d be ringing up your groceries at the local supermarket.

A contract extension for Croom? More like a contract buyout, right? Right?

Not exactly.

In an age where college football’s “what have you done for me lately mentality” runs unchecked, MSU’s standard of “progress” is a breath of fresh air. It seems wins and losses aren’t the only measure of success. What Croom is doing off the field counts. And what he is doing is rather impressive. According to an article on the athletic department website, the football team has the highest GPA of any major sport for the last two semesters. For the first time since the 70's. The head coach preaches character and accountability, something previously lacking in the program. In 2002, Jackie Sherrill skipped out of town after leaving the Bulldogs with only 8 wins since ’01. Team talent? Sherrill left the cupboard nearly dry. But worst of all, he left the stink of an NCAA investigation. But Croom takes it tall in stride.

I’m not sure why minority coaches are less prevalent in the NCAA than in the NFL. I believe it may be that Presidents and AD’s are less likely to take a chance on an unproven coach because of the risk of running afoul of boosters and alumni. And let’s face it . . . it’s not fair, but most minority coaches have little head coach experience. It’s an unfortunate Catch 22. Most universities, it seems, won’t risk the chance.

Kudos to MSU for taking a chance on the first black coach in the SEC. And in this latest move, for giving Croom a REAL chance to reshape a struggling program. A chance to build young men into outstanding students, athletes . . . and people. A chance to win more than 3 games in a season.

You can’t imagine MSU always settling for 3 win seasons. Nor should they. But you get the feeling Croom will get a legitimate shot to prove what he’s made of. Which is all he’s asking for in the first place.

Back again. Sorry I had to go so quickly. Our company’s COO was breezing through our “area,” you know, just checking things out. If he only knew . . .

I have more thoughts, but I would be doing an injustice if I didn’t devote at least a few lines to this fellow; I feel like maybe everyone has “this guy” in their lives in some form. Indulge me for a moment . . .

I call him "Lossman," as in JP, because he is almost an athlete. But he’s more clumsy white guy than QB. "Lossman’s" in charge of all of our operations and he conducts his job with a zeal usually reserved for members of ####’s SS. There was a time I thought he was a sports fan. But he is not. (He knows enough team and player names from cultural osmosis to give the impression that he follows sport. But if you told him that Troy Polamalu was Don ####’s ukulele player he wouldn’t doubt you.) Then I thought he was just a guy who excelled in athletics. But he is not. He is simply a guy who likes racquetball. Or jogging. Or playing the occasional pick up game at the Y. Or riding his “not-too-old-but-just-old-enough-to-be-really-unco
ol” bike (which he refers to as a cycle, as in, “So I cycled 35 miles this weekend and I’m not even sore.”). He is behind our company’s ban on Internet use, decorations, fraternization, personal phone calls, joy, hope, etc. If he ever caught me online, doing this, I would probably lose my job. But thank goodness he will never sneak up on me. Like the robin heralds the coming of Spring, the combination of English Leather and Right-Guard spray deodorant announces his arrival LONG before he’s actually in sight. As long as my sinuses are clear . . . I am safe.

Anyway, Lossman will be giving out the Christmas gifts in the next couple of days. Can’t wait to share. Just a quick look at sports . . .


MLB Rambling

This is priceless. One of my favorite stories of the day.

Alfonso Soriano, recently acquired by the Nationals from the Rangers, said yesterday that he does not want to change positions and will try and request a trade back to the AL when the year is up. In an AP article, Soriano said he had a greater comfort level in the AL, and he plans to become a free agent after next season and sign with an AL team.

"[In the American League] I knew the pitchers and batters of opposing teams and, therefore, where to place myself defensively. In the National that's going to take me a while," he said. Which could be a really, really bad thing. You see, Soriano committed the most errors (21) of any starting 2nd Basemen in the AL and had the worst fielding percentage (.972). He had the worst range factor and the worst zone rating. And this was when he knew where to “place himself defensively.” Hi, Mr. Soriano? Yes, it’s me . . . no . . . over here. Yes, hi. If I may, one word of advice: Short of positioning yourself under the dugout, it doesn’t matter where you play because you are a terrible fielder. You couldn’t catch an STD in Tijuana. Good grief.


Why Soccer Will Never Catch On In The USA . . .

Dateline: Italy. An AP story states that Italian soccer player Paolo Di Canio was suspended for one game on Tuesday for making a fascist salute to fans during a match last weekend. So that’s strike-one for me right there. Can you imagine Chipper Jones, or Willie Roaf, or Paul Pierce rounding first, finishing a block, or sinking a 3 and then giving props to their favorite oppressive governmenta regime? Didn’t think so.

But here’s the kicker . . . And I quote the article:

“The game featured teams whose fans have opposing political allegiances: Lazio fans waved swastika flags while Livorno fans had red Communist flags. Clashes between Livorno fans and police were reported outside the stadium before the game, with one officer slightly injured.”

Oh, yeah. You heard right. Swastikas. Communist flags. Armed conflict with law enforcement. Now, I don’t know about you, but this sounds like my kind of entertainment. Nothing like mixing a monotonous, low-scoring sport with hard to learn rules and positions, with radical political views and a form of totalitarianism that was responsible for the genocide of millions of people. I don’t know about you, but I for one am hooked. “OK, honey let’s see. Gotta make sure we’re all set for the big soccer game. Camera? Check. Sunscreen? Check. Swastika? Swastika? Honey, for the love of Pete, you forgot the Swastika? Son-of-a . . .

Have fun folks. I’ll be back with more tomorrow . . .

Greetings. So I have a couple of Excell spread sheets minimized and ready to go if I should need to bail out on this blog. I should be able to get a few days of uninterrupted writing as the office is starting to thin out a bit. Thanks for the interest in Sunday’s Colts column. Tried to write yesterday but could only sneak on long enough to answer some comments. Keep ‘em coming . . . I like the interaction with sports fan. Lord knows I don’t get it with anyone else in my life . . .

Big week for “On Company Time.” Tomorrow I have my performance evaluations, which always go, well, not so good. I’ll be sure and share. Thursday night is the annual Christmas party, which unfolds like an audition for the reality TV series, “Dull People Who Only Get Duller With Alcohol.” Haven’t heard of that one? Swing by my office Thursday PM. Should be a blast.

On to sports . . .

NFL Ramblings
Other than the Colts, the big story from week 15 had to be the Pats. I swear I had written them off. After losing to the Colts in week 9 they were 4-4. Then they won five out of their next six. But four of those wins were against the lowly Fins, Saints, Jets, and Bills. I thought they were done. Like, “Ashlee Simpson-collapsing-onstage-in-Japan” done. But now I’m not so sure. Even though Brady’s a tad gimpy, they’re getting healthy in other key places (the return of Dillon is huge).

But the biggest reason they are where they are is the return of Teddy Bruschi. Since his return, the starting quartet of Bruschi, Vrabel, Colvin and McGinest (who has always looked a little like Carl Weathers to me) have gone off for 132 tackles, 13 sacks, two fumble recoveries, one interception and 17 passes defended. Sick numbers. Just sick. So when the Colts and the Pats meet in the playoffs, do you bet against the Pats and Belichick? I don’t know if you do. . .


So the Cowboys did there best impression of the Lone Star State’s other football team by getting spanked by the Redskins. Other than the Boy’s offense, the most humorous thing to come out of the game was Parcell’s postgame comments: “We have been a little erratic and we've been a little up and down, but we haven't been in one of those [blowout] games. So I think you look at [Sunday’s absurdly one sided tail-kicking] and say, 'Hey, well, that's not really what we are.' And I don't think it is. I think we can do better." Ummm . . . Someone needs to tell Tuna that ‘da Nile ain’t just a river in Egypt. The Cowboys are done. Finished. They have lost 3 out of their last 4. And in their three losses, never once had the lead.


Did you hear that Britney Spears has filed a $20 million libel lawsuit against Us Weekly, charging the magazine published a false story reporting she and K-Fed had made a sex tape and were worried about its release? The lawsuit, filed Monday, seeks damages for “misappropriating the singer’s image to promote sales.” No truth to the rumor out of Detroit that fans there are considering a similar suit: It seems the Lions have been misappropriating the image of a legitimate professional football team for years. When Wayne Fontes and “glory days” are mentioned in the same sentence, things are not going well.

Dang. Gotta go. I’ll try and finish up later.

In the book, “The Most Important Thing I Know,” the great 20th – 21st Century thespian Michael J. Fox had this to say about perfection: “I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business.” Well said, Alex P Keaton. Well said.

Perfection is tough stuff. But not impossible.

There have been 17 official perfect games in baseball since 1880.

The Pantheon in Rome is said to be the perfect architectural building. (Which makes you wonder . . . if they could build the perfect building 2,000 years ago, what the @!&* happened to Soldier Field?)

Ate a perfect steak last Valentines’ Day. Cost me $120, which made perfection less enjoyable.

A study done several years ago revealed that according to mathematical formula, Denzel Washington has a nearly perfect face structure. (Though Jerry Jones is well on his way to catching D Wash. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with engineered perfection.)

Ted Williams was said to have the perfect swing; Jimmy Chitwood, the perfect jump shot (you remember the first time you saw him draining NBA range threes on that dirt court behind Myra Fleener’s house . . . perfection.); The Rocket, the perfect mechanics. But not even these immortals were truly perfect. The Splendid Splinter failed to get a hit nearly seven out of ten times. Jimmy Chitwood missed four shots during the course of Hoosiers. And though the Rocket has struck out 4,502 batters, he’s given up 347 HR’s. Perfection is difficult to attain.

Which is why the Colt’s story was so compelling to so many people. All the endless debate about sitting the starters or not. All the talk about the ’72 Fins. The chase for perfection polarized fans. If you were even a marginal Indy fan before the season, you couldn’t get on the bandwagon quickly enough. If you were a Peyton hater, you cringed at every audible (which means you cringed about twenty-one hundred times a game), and said a special prayer for Mercury Morris before bed each night. But no matter how you felt, the #### is up . . . the quest over.

Somewhere Monday morning, Garo Yepremian, Bob Griese, and Manny Fernandez will wake up with a champagne induced headache.

Which brings me to an interesting point. The strangest byproduct from the Colts 14 week pursuit of perfection is that it seems a new generation of football fans now hate the ‘72 Dolphins. Why? Maybe because sports figures are supposed to at least appear to be graciously ceding their records to the march of time. Hank Aaron has handled Bond’s steroid powered assault of one of sports most hallowed records with such style and class. Even the uber-competitive Dan Marino dealt with losing his single season TD record to Manning with relative ease (Though you can bet your Isotoners he was boiling inside). Compared to that kind of sportsmanship, the Dolphins champagne parties and perpetual grab for the spotlight seem so petty.

Remember, Hammerin’ Hank broke the Babe’s record under threat of death from racists around the country. The Dolphins won 14 regular season games beating only two teams with over .500. And they won ugly.

Somewhere Sunday night, champagne glasses were raised in perfection's honor. Too bad it wasn’t in an Indianapolis locker room.

So it’s early. Real early. If it’s hard to do this at work (see, oh, I don’t know, ALL of my previous posts) it’s harder at home. Dial up. Two kids under two. No peace. So, I gotta get up early on a Sunday to make it happen. That’s dedication, people. I’d love to hear from anyone else who has the same plight.

No office drama today (though this week should bring several fun little tid-bits of office info: a look at my company’s COO (you’ll love to hate this guy), our comapany Christmas party, and my performance evaluations for this quarter. Can’t wait to share). . . On to sports . . .

NFL Ramblings
The Patriots over the Bucs. Who knew they had a 28-0 butt kicking of the Bucs in them? If you live outside of New England and try and tell me that you thought they had a chance after the loss at Indy (remember, that loss put them at 4-4), you are a dirty liar.

One question. When you wake up this Sunday morning, do you honestly have to begin to consider if the Pats are Super Bowl contenders? I think you might have to. There is some kind of funky karma going on in Foxborough, and I know the source. Three words: Belichik's. Homeless. Parka.


The Giants over the Chiefs. We could talk about Tiki’s 220 and 2, but that wouldn’t be as much fun as talking about crazy #### Vermeil. Here’s the Weepy One’s quote from the post game press conference: "We weren't worth a damn. I'm not worth a damn. No one's worth a damn.” There was a moment about three years before my grandmother passed away where I clearly recognized the beginning of the end. We were eating dinner. She motioned to the salt and said, “Could you please pass the umbrella.” I think we are witnessing Vermeil’s “pass the umbrella” moment. If you are a Chiefs fan, are you proud of this guy? (I’d like to hear from all the Chiefs fans out there on this one. Why don’t the two of you confer and give me a consensus answer.)

Broncs over the Bills. After their 28-17 win over the Bills, Bronco’s QB Jake Plummer was effusive in his praise for WR Rod Smith, who had 11 catches for 137 and a TD. Said Plummer: "[Rod’s] the heart and soul of our offense." This comment came as a surprise to the entire team who, up to this point, thought Plummer’s neck beard was the soul of the team.

Jake the Snake is a surprising 30-11 since joining the Broncos in 2003. If he wasn’t playing in Denver, who let’s face it, still has an Elway hangover, would his legacy be different? Share your thoughts.


NBA Ramblings
Def Jam recording artist Foxy Brown told reporters last week that she hasn't heard a human voice in six months and that she will have surgery early next year to restore her hearing. Rumor has it, Foxy’s unexplained deafness occurred shortly after listening to Pacer’s star Ron Artest’s new rap album.

Speaking of Artest, latest news is that he is staying put in Indy. No truth to the rumor that teammates have requested the name plate above his locker be changed to “Manny Ramirez.”


CFBL Ramblings
BREAKING NEWS!! Stories over the weekend reported that Reggie Bush will reportedly declare himself eligible for the NFL draft. This comes as a relief to the Houstons, Jets, and 49ers, who have been throwing every game for the last three weeks in an attempt to win the Bush lottery.

Seriously, this is news to no one. More people were surprised when Cheryl Swoopes came out (What?!! A WNBA star is ####?!! Oh, the humanity . . . ).


MLB Ramblings
“Pitcher Ugueth Urbina must remain in jail until his trial on attempted murder charges, a Venezuelan tribunal decided after prosecutors formally presented their evidence.”

Just a thought here, but when the word tribunal is mentioned, you are screwed.



See you tomorrow with a recap of the day’s games, as only “On Company Time” can do it.

I said I’d keep the office stuff to a minimum, but people, it’s just too much to bear. I need an outlet.

So I got cornered by our IT guy today. My bet is that every office has “this guy.” He knows so little about sports, yet, because he’s from Green Bay, considers himself a Packers aficionado. When I first met Cheesehead (his real name has been changed because . . . well, because I don’t know it, OK? I’m a terrible person.) several years ago, I noticed the “Wis-CAN-sin” accent. I live in Alabama so this is unusual. I say, “Where are you from?” He says, “Green Bay.” I say, “Ohhhhh! A real, live Packer fan!” For a nano-second, I am in heaven. Like Bartolo Colon at Denny’s, I believe I have just entered the promise land. “Another sports fan? Hallelujah! My days of toiling in the sports fan’s black hole are over.” I am ecstatic. And then all my hope is destroyed. I say, “So, do you think it was a good move taking Nick Barnet in the first round?” The blank stare said more than words ever could. Cheesehead obviously spent most of his life in his parent’s basement tinkering with various electronic devices. When his mom bought him his first Commodore 64 back in ’83, he was hooked. 20 years later he’s my IT guy. Which is not so bad, except now we have made the Packer connection. Anytime he sees me, and I mean every, single time, he’s says something like, “Heey there, the PAY-ckers are REE-ly gittin’ it DUN, this YEER, HUH?” I don’t have the heart to mention Farve’s demise, his 42 interceptions, Samkon Gado, etc. So I laugh and say, “Oh, yeah. Tearing it up.” And shuffle along. Sigh . . .

On to my ramblings . . .

NBA
I am convinced Ron Artest has no friends. Know how I know? If he had friends, they would have never let him get that stupid haircut (what’s with me and haircuts today?). There is not one person is his life who has the chutzpah to say, "Yo, Ron Ron . . . ummmm . . . about that hair cut idea . . . " I have, like, two friends. Not that tight with either of them. But they would call foul if I proposed something that stupid. But then again, they're not scared that I might attack them.

Oh, my gosh! Did anyone see that Charlotte-New Jersey game on Wednesday night? I didn’t think so.

Is it just me or does Carmelo Anthony look like Andruw Jones with braids? I can't help but wonder if their careers will be similar: tons of potential, moments of brilliance, but overall lacking the drive to push themselves to the next level (though Jones finally put together a great year this season). We'll see . . .


NCAA Football
I am so tired of ESPN broadcasting news conferences for recruits to announce what school they're attending. What’s next: “Tim Tebo will announce in a press conference on Monday his choice of breakfast cereal. He's narrowed it down to Frosted Flakes, Lucky Charms, and Smacks!. (Word is that he eliminated Rice Crispies because of some questions regarding the "alternate lifestyle" of Snap, Crackle, and Pop.) "We're excited to be in the running for Tebo's services," said Tony the Tiger. "We think he has GREEEEAAAATTT potential." Lucky the Leprechaun entertained reporters for half an hour or so at his complex, but no newsworthy quotes emerged during what could only be described as a continuous stream of unintelligible gibberish. "Dig 'em the Frog” did not return phone calls left at his office.”

For whatever it's worth. I think Texas has the best chance of any team in the last two seasons of beating USC. USC's defense is fallible, especially in the secondary. Besides, Vince Young looks a lot like R Kelly. Just an observation.


NCAA Basketball
October through March = pre-season.

Check back with me after Selection Sunday.

Friday . . . sweet release.

In response to some comments I will try and do more sports, less office (though this is sort of like trying to watch Stan Van Gundy in a press conference and not comment on the mustache . . . nearly impossible).

I will say this, and then on to sports: Yesterdays pathetic rant about TO and Michael Jackson was terrible. Like Buckner, I let one squib under the glove. But when every post is accompanied by the pressure of not getting caught online by your supervisor, or the Linewomen (see other posts), sometimes you force the shot.

What I meant to say was that folks used to cut Jacko some slack for being a headcase. Then he went too far. TO is edging closer to alienating whatever following he still has. That was my point. There, I just said in two lines what I couldn’t say in 700 words yesterday. Apologies.

On to my random sports thoughts for the morning. I’ll try and sneak on another post this afternoon.

NFL Ramblings
The fashion police should be staging a major sting operation in Foxborough at season’s end. While Belichick continues his truly unexplainable homeless man impersonation, Tom Brady is sporting the worst haircut I have ever seen. Really. Please, please, please check out SI's “Sportsman of the Year" cover. It is awful. His sideburns are like talking to our 85-year-old office custodian: they start out OK then just sort of ramble incoherently until they peter off into oblivion. There is nothing to compare this to. It is terrible.

Did you catch the AP article where Kevan Barlow is bragging that he and fellow RB Frank Gore are the future of the organization, not the potential draftee Reggie Bush? My favorite quote: "Barlow, who leads the club with 581 yards rushing and three touchdowns . . . " Um . . . pssst! . . . Kevin! Yeah, over here. Listen, you might want to stop talking. No, really. Bush had better numbers in ONE FREAKING GAME than you had all season. Your future is on a practice squad.

The article is high comedy. You ought to check it out.


MLB Ramblings
Remember when “Nomah” was mentioned in the same breath with A-Rod and Jeter? Yeah . . . me, neither.

Did you see the AP report out of Houston last night? Roger Clemens caused quite a ruckus at the local Taco Bell. Seems his car was parked in front of the menu for over an hour. Fearing the worse, management called the paramedics. When they got to Clemens’ car, everyone was relieved. Nothing was wrong with the Astros’ ace . . . he was just taking his time deciding. "You know, the Chalupa's are mighty tasty," the Future Hall of Famer was quoted as saying, "But the Chipotle Grilled Stuff Burrito's . . . well, they sure are zesty. I was just trying to keep all my options open."

A-Rod, A-Rod, A-Rod. Best I can tell, A-Rod never lived a day of his life in the Dominican Republic. Born in NYC, grew up in Miami. So why the deliberation about playing for them in the World Baseball Classic? If this were the prevailing logic of all the participants, we would have no US team at all. Though the Welsh, Irish, and British teams would be stacked. "Now pitching for the Eastern Germanic Tribes, Billy Wagner."

And while we're on the Baseball Classic, leave it to our government to mess up a good thing. Banning Cuba really puts a damper on things. You know there were at least a dozen teams that were going to be pulling out all the stops trying to urge defections, looking for the next Contreras or El Duque. There would have been more revelry than a weekend-long recruiting visit to the University of Colorado. And let's be honest, raise your hand if you think Cuba is a threat to anyone. Why does anyone take Cuba seriously? They're like your cousin who sells Amway (or maybe they’re just like my cousin that sells Amway) . . . annoying, not really that dangerous, and their isolation is caused by their own doing. (If you want to ban someone from baseball, why not ban Ugueth Urbina. Unless you are OK with a machete wielding maniac coming on to close out the 9th.) I mean, the "revolution" is what, like, 50 years old? Hey, Fidel, I think you got 'em all. All I know is that today is a big day in Cuba. It's the day that the new car models hit the market. Yup, for $1400 you can get a '58 Chevy of your very own. Really. Give me a break.

Gotta run so I don’t get fired. More later. Maybe.

OK. I actually have a few minutes to sneak on and write. I was supposed to be in a weekly planning meeting. Except that when I walked in the door of the meeting room (which now apparently doubles as storage space for the COO’s new mountain bike . . . I have to tell you about this guy some time. Unbelievable. Two words: Hair. Plugs.) and sat down with my legal pad, my boss says in front of about six people, “Uh . . . hey, uh . . . you know, if you need to be on the phone or something you don’t have to be here. You’re sort of a non-essential.” In the words of Carl Spackler, “So now I got that going for me.”

I figured I might as well write a post while everyone is in the meeting. Today’s Client Courtesy Calls (CCC’s) can wait.

So, lately I have noticed some amusing similarities between the careers of TO and Michael Jackson. Let’s take a short trip down memory lane, shall we?

For those of you under the age of about 22, there was a time when MJ sang music. (Yup . . . I’m not joking. Danced, too. And you know what? He used to be an African American male. No, I swear. Amazing, isn’t it?) In 1982 Jackson releases Thriller, which produced 7 hit singles and sells 50 million worldwide. He goes on to win 8 Grammies for the album, and was named Artist of the Decade. But in the early ‘90’s he started hanging out with Bubbles. Who, though the name might throw you off, was not a stripper, but was instead a ####. Even worse than sleeping with a primate, in ‘94, he married Lisa Marie Presley . . . The exceptional weirdness was becoming too difficult to ignore. Let’s pause to draw the parallel.

Let’s say TO’s coming out party was the 1998 playoff game with Green Bay. With three seconds left, and down by four, TO catches the go-ahead pass before getting laid out in the end zone. He was a hero. (Does anybody else remember this? After the game, the guy was crying like a depressed housewife. I mean, he was sobbing. It was really, really uncomfortable. This wasn’t “man crying at the end of “Field of Dreams” crying. This was blubbering. He was also praising God, praising his teammates, his coaches, etc. This happened. I promise.) But shortly after, the fun began. The 2000 Dallas game was where TO first made people say to their TV screens, “What the . . .?” This was the “out-of-no-where jaunt to the Cowboys’ star at midfield to celebrate the TD” game. Remember George Teague, anyone?

So we’ve set the stage. Let’s compare the similarities.

By 2000, TO and Jacko had both lost it. In 2000 Jacko went off with his anti-Semitic rants about Tonny Maltola, Sony Chairman (Jackson’s boss, per se). In 2001, TO accused then 49ers head coach Steve Mariucci of playing it soft on friend and fellow coach #### Jauran, insinuating that Mooch let the Bears come back from a 19 point deficit because he was friendly with their coach. Makes sense to me . . .

By 2002, Jacko is dangling babies off balconies. In 2002, TO gives the football the Sharpie treatment after a Monday Night score vs. the Seahawks. By 2004 Jacko had split with Sony. By 2004, TO had split with the Niners (and with Baltimore, I guess, though I am not sure you can split with a team without actually playing for them . . . hmm), which lead to the signing with the Eagles, which lead to this season’s fiasco.

But the similarities don’t stop there. (I know, you were hoping they had.) Best I can tell, MJ is sort of in exile. In Bahrain, nonetheless. Guys got no friends and he is hitting up the Bahrainian prince for cash to settle his debts. Weird. Even for Jacko.

TO is in exile, as well. And shockingly, it seems he has less friends than MJ. Though the AP story seemed to report it differently, the word is that TO threw a birthday party for himself, inviting names such as Jay-Z, 50 Cent, Oprah, and Derek Jeter. Invites the media to cover the “red carpet.” Except that no one showed up. No one. One reporter says the club was half empty. The only “celebrities” that came were his teammates. And Jevon Kearse was the biggest name. TO throws a party for himself and no one comes. And TO was once a star. Like, last year. At least Jacko used to have people come to his parties . . . though I guess 12 year old boys wouldn’t count as celebrities either (insert McCauley Culkin joke here).

So the real kicker is this: do you remember the first time you said to yourself, “Yeah . . . Jacko is a looney tune”? While it was probably dangling the baby off the balcony, you have a lot of fodder to choose from. The point is that the day I saw TO doing the press conference from his driveway crunch-rack, I knew he had lost it. And while we as a culture cut crazy celebs some slack every now and again, we all have our breaking points. (Hmmm . . . just thought of some interesting Drew Rosenhaus-Elizabeth Taylor comparisons . . . later).

Unlike Jacko, TO might can still redeem himself . . . While no one wants to watch a white, black guy flit around the stage in loafers and a Bedazzled golf glove, there seems to be somewhat of a market for one of the best receivers in the most popular sport in the country. TO can and probably will be back.

OK. Got to wrap this one up. Just heard the “Simpleton Summit” break up. I’ll try and get on later.

Good morning to all. Some weird sports notes in the last 24 hours.

First, there’s the story of Princeton setting the all time mark for college hoops futility with a 21-point output last night. Records of futility are great. Much better than win streaks or the like. Wouldn’t you rather see my performance evaluations from my supervisor than read Google’s 4th quarter earnings report? I hope so. Because . . . lucky you . . . we are up for our yearly evaluations next week. I promise to share the damage with you. Should be fun times all around. But I digress . . .

While Princeton’s score is notable, the final score of the game was the most depressing. Monmouth 41, Princeton 21. Congrats, guys. You have just played the least entertaining athletic contest in the history of sports. Wow.

Next, the Donovan McNabb/President of the NAACP tiff is a weird one. I look at this and am not outraged. I am amused. This is what the NAACP has come to? I bet Martin Luther King, Jr. would be proud. Really. Where’s Fred Shuttlesworth when you need him. “Hey, NAACP, don’t you worry about the widening gap between the haves and the have-nots. You just stay busy with Donovan. Power to the people!” What a joke.

So I want to get on with some comments about TO and A-Rod, but if I don’t vent I will explode. Every morning when I walk into my “office,” if by office you mean low ceilinged room with plain gray walls and a dozen cubicles crammed in, I have to walk past The Linewomen. Let me explain.

The Linewomen are the twin-sisters who make-up our Accounting Division. Lest you think it inappropriate that two people could be called a division, let me describe these two beauties. Think big. I mean, real big. I endearingly refer to them as Gilbert Brown and The Fridge. (Or I would if there were anyone else in my office that knew anything about organized athletics.) They are chain-smoking, polyester pant wearing, multiple heart-attacks waiting to happen. How did they get the job you might ask? They are my company owner’s first cousins. And they are the bane of my existence.

You see my cubicle is right across from the fire-exit. Not a big deal. Except that I lie in a direct path between their office—a wood paneled, shag carpeted nightmare full of old ledgers and tax code manuals—and the exit. And roughly 35 times a day, they shuffle past my cube to go smoke. Not only is this annoying, but it makes it even harder to catch up on sports via my illicit personal Internet use. In fact, they busted me once checking my Fantasy roster and the next thing you know . . . yup, you guessed it . . . Yahoo! Fantasy Sports were blocked by the firewall. I’ll tell the rest of this story later . . . let’s just say it involves a deadline waiver acquisition and me calling my wife to try and explain how to drop and add a player. Yikes.

I’ve typed too long already. I hear Gilbert wheezing her way towards the exit as I speak. I’ll get to TO later.

Sorry to have to cut that off . . . My division supervisor poked his head over the cubicle wall. David Stern’s Fashion ####s are pansies compared to some of the “higher ups” in this office. In the employee manual, there is actually a full page devoted to proper Internet etiquette. Two paragraphs address the viewing of sports related websites. (Yes, Fox sports made the list of prohibited sights.) If the Texans D-line were as hard to get through as my company’s firewall, they’d be leading their division.

Anyway, here’s the rest of my thoughts on division leaders . . .

About Terry Glenn . . . ugly dude. Period.

NFC North
Bears and Vikings
Kyle Orton. (See AFC West comments, Jake Plummer) How does an NFL team put together a 1-2 punch like Orton and Grossman? Seriously? Aren’t there at least a couple of friends you know from college who, at this very moment, have a shot of giving these two knuckleheads a run for their money? Adam Sandler had better mechanics in “The Longest Yard.”

Who knows about the Vikings. But I do know this. It sucks to be Dante Culpepper. What kind of confidence hit do you absorb when Brad Johnson takes over your team? Brad Johnson. Even his name is white and boring.


NFC South
Bucs, Panthers, Falcons
It’s a toss up, I think.

On Sunday, in between doing chores around the house and cleaning up after the kids, I got to watch roughly four-and-a-half uninterrupted minutes of the Falcons-Saints game—yawn. One of the announcers mentioned that Keith Brooking was the only Falcon left over from the 1999 Super Bowl team. What? The Falcons were in the Super Bowl in 1999? Surely, not? “Why had I blocked this Super Bowl from my memory”, I asked myself. And then I remembered. The Dirty Bird dance. Quit possibly the most annoying routine done by a team in the history of sports. It is no coincidence that Jamal Anderson got hurt the next season. The Gods of Sport have a perfect sense of justice. Ridiculous dances rouse their ire.
Prediction: While doing his first dance of the 2006 NFL season, a dance named “From Conception to Birth: The Journey of a Hapless Zygote,” Chad Johnson is struck by lightning and drops dead in the end zone.”


NFC West
Seahawks

Don’t believe the hype . . . oh, wait. There is none.

They play in a terrible division. (It was in vogue to make fun of the NFC North during the early season, but the NFC West is awful. The Rams, Cards, and 49ers are pitiful.) Matt Hasselhoff is their QB. And while Alexander is fun to watch, and it has been a good season, they lose in the first or second round. No way they play in Detroit. Really.