I saw this and I just had to MST3K it. I had to. It was driving me crazy that no one had done it yet. It basically MSTs itself. It's good to know the pay people to barely be able to write in English.

 

 

Sabermetrics, is the Scientology of baseball.  It all started in a tiny, airless, room, where the guy who got picked last in Little League, perfected his revenge.  This handy guide will help clear up the wildest misconceptions spread by this extremely annoying and exceedingly irrelevant cult. 

First of all, who spotted the comma misuse? Really, all three of them? Good for you! I am quite fond of the scientology comparison. You know, the idea of applying statistics to baseball and the idea that we are all descendants of an alien species who plan to one day come and free us are pretty much identical. Oh, and they both start with an 'S.' And, uhm, not to nitpick... but if the room was airless... doesn't that make it a vacuum? As in, the air pressure outside your body is less than inside? As in you'd explode? And die? If nothing else, at least you wouldn't be able to breathe. And as such, would die. 

So, a dead guy who doesn't know how to use commas and believes he will be saved by aliens is responsible for this. Gotcha. 

 Definition.
Sabermetrics is also known as, long winded pointless dissertation, insufferable boors with calculators, or guys with pocket protectors.   If you're like me, you don't need to know the equation for cracking oil to figure out you got a batch of bad gas in your car.  Or live near the Devil Rays or Royals, to realize beauty might be skin deep but bad goes all the way through.

Look, satire is great. I love it. But for the love of all that is sarcastic in the world, when you write soemthing like this and clearly demonstrate that you have no grasp on the English language you insult all of us, and no one appreciates that. This said, who sees the 7 grammatical errors here? But I digress. I also would like to point out that stating the exact same point three times but rephrasing it does not make one's argument any stronger.

For anyone who doesn't know, sabermetrics is the application of statistical analysis to baseball. It allows you to compare players in different ways, as well as players in different eras. Contrary to what our buddy seems to imply (and for your benefit I will use complete sentences, unlike him), it focuses not mainly on the performance of teams, but of individual players. In case you haven't noticed, the stats we usually measure a player by are very flimsy. For example, there are about 10-15 hits difference between someone hitting .300 and someone hitting .280. Yet, someone hitting .300 is having a great year and someone hitting .280 is having an okay one. Wins, also, are an extremely overblown stat, and it doesn't take any kind of formula to figure out that a pitcher's wins are in direct correlation to his team's offensive ability. IE, if a pitcher loses 10 games 2-1, and he's 0-10, does this make him a bad pitcher? Or course not. But from wins, you wouldn't know that. As such, sabermetrics looks for more reliable stats. I don't know about you, but I can definitely see how this is the work of the devil.

 Humor.
Sabermites believe they have a sense of humor.  Sadly, it can only be expressed mathmatically.

 You mean like yours can only be expressed by first massacring the written English language?

 

Sorry.

 Reality.
Using pseudo-algebraic conclusions to describe the infinite intangibles of great baseball is like using cement to describe Mozart.  Abstract baseball minutia stacked like pancakes doesn't get around the real consistent opinion voiced by those who watch baseball daily and this churns the guts of Sabermites. 

First of all, I would like to introduce you to a simile, my friend. The main function of a simile in English is to correlate two unlike things in a way that makes their similarities obvious. And, sorry, but equations:baseball :: cement:mozart is not an acceptable simile. You get zero points for trying. Come again! 

This is another thing people always seem to say that I don't get. How is this 'pseudo-algebraic?' You know what that means, right? First of all, batting average is found by an algebraic equation, and this seems to be the Holy Grail. Secondly, no one pulled the equations out of thin air. They're still calculated with all of the usual stats, it's just a little more complicated. For example, the EqA formula: 

(H + TB + 1.5*(BB + HBP + SB) + SH + SF) divided by (AB + BB + HBP + SH + SF + CS + SB)

Okay, it's a lot more complicated than "H divided by AB." But if you break it up, all of the fancy letters in there are familiar things. Hits, total bases, walks, hit by pitch, stolen bases, etc. Also, it's calculated so that it runs parallel to batting average. So, .260 EqA is about average, and .300 EqA is pretty good. It's not that alien. Furthermore, no one is out to describe the intangibles of baseball. There are a lot of things about athletes that can't be measured, but most of them aren't too useful in trying to predict the outcome of a game. Leadership qualities are great for making sure guys don't impale each other, but a good hitter is a good hitter, even if he's a jerk. Instead, sabermetrics tries to describe the tangibles in a more organized, logical way. Yes, logic. Notice how I used those commas correctly?

And look, don't get me wrong, nothing beats watching Endy Chavez make that insane catch against the Cards in last year's NLCS. No one could have predicted that. And that's why nothing can detract from the fun of baseball. It's just interesting and really valuable to look at the sport differently, and it's a much more reliable way to rate players.

 Initialize.
Acronyms sow maximum confusion.  Sabermites concoct bewildering thickets of initials around feeble wild BLEEP guessing.  EqA's are as likely to stick a homemade shank in VORP's as they are to end up drunk at Bill James annual Christmas party where King Herod's win shares always make trading for the baby Jesus look silly.

 I'll be honest, when I first took to SMs, the acronyms were a little overwhelming. But Jeebus, it's really not that complicated. I mean, come on. One of the standard baseball acronyms is BAA, and you're making fun of EqA? And really, is it so hard to just google the acronym and have Wikipedia explain it to you? For the lazy bums, the most common ones:

 VORP: Literally, 'value over replacement player.' It's measured in runs, so basically it's how many extra runs player X is producing for your team. Oh, the horror! As a measuring point, ARod's 2005 VORP was 99.7. VORP only takes offensive production into account.

WARP: 'Wins above replacement player.' Similar to VORP, except it takes defense into account and is measured in how many extra wins a guy is good for to your team. David Wright's 2006 WARP was 9.0. ARod's 2005 WARP was 10.3 (his 2006 being 6.0).

ERA+, OPS+, etc.: Any time you see a stat with '+' after it means that the stat is measured at a baseline of 100. +stats are measured according to the specific season about which you are talking. So, if someone hits 50 home runs and had a 1.2 OPS in 1995 and has an OPS+ of 160, that means they hit 60% better than the league average that year. However, if someone had 50 home runs with a 1.2 OPS in 1940, their OPS+ would probably be significantly higher because less people were hitting with those numbers back then. This allows you to compare players in different generations.

I already went over EqA, and I refuse to explain WHIP on the grounds that when a stat is comparable on Yahoo!Sports, it's not so obscure that it should deter you.

 Equate.
Never allow anyone near the prime equation of sabermetrics, A+B=Shut the Hell Up.  This is sports for math club members.   

I see 2 grammatical errors. That this is meaningless aside, I would like to point out that my 'prime equation' is: "comma misuse + incomplete sentences + bad similes + poor capitalization + not making sense = bad satire"

 Gross Tonnage.
The complicated formula for "Hey that guy just bunted the runner to second..." would fill this entire page.  SABER stat-bot hysteria amply illustrates the "Star Trek Factor," now that Kirk's too fat to worship, Sabermites invented an arcane statistical abstract to replace dialectic Klingon arguments that made their life worth living...   

You know that 'gross tonnage' is a measure of a frigate's shipments, right? Sense is irrelevant, I suppose. I see 4 errors. I would also like to refer to the rule stated above: restating a point in different words does not make your argument any better. I already addressed the 'EMG DA FERMULA IZ 2 LONGGGG!!!1one' crap.

 Strength of Nattering (SON).
Sabermite's tirelessly redefine everything in SABER-speak, until, the non-SABER person drops from exhaustion or retreats to a sport like ice curling.

 See above, except replace, 'EMG DA FERMULA IZ 2 LONGGGG!!!1one' with, 'EMG DA AKRONIMS R 2 H4RD!!!!11eleven"  

Value.
According to SABER dogma, a single just isn't worth a double.  Take that Ty Cobb, you BLEEP because 75% of your hits aren't all that and a bag of SABER chips. 

 I'm not really sure what this means, honestly. Maybe that's because there aren't any blatant grammatical errors here and that is distracting me. Regardless, I think this is a reference to how SLG% is considered important (again, if it's comparable on Yahoo! it's not that obscure), and how a single that bounces off the wall is more impressive than a single that dribbles through the infield. Although explaining that further seems almost redundant, I suppose I will. The swinging bunt is luck. The massive single is, too, but for the defense. The dribbler can become a double play. The massive single can become a home run, thus-- gasp!-- improving one's odds of winning the game.

 Slide Rule
Its not, never slide head first, its never attend a game of baseball without a slide rule, so you'll have something to look at.

 If you don't see the massive grammar faux paus in here, leave. Now. And furthermore, shouldn't that make it the 'slide rule rule?' And even furthermore, why would I pay admission and then not watch the game?  

I find it pretty funny that the general defense for anti-sabrites is, "OMG U HATE BASEBAL BECUZ U MAK ALL TESE FERMULAS!" In my always-humble opinion, to spend so much time on this stuff, not only do you have to love baseball, you have to be near-obsessed.

 Worship the Stat Gods
Barry Bonds is a perfect example, the thought of losing all those succulent steroid drenched numbers sends the average Sabermite into a slobbery, mad dog, frenzy.  They would rather chew off the non-math lobe of their brain than let go, or admit, that Barry might indeed be full of nincompoop.

 Look, Barry Bonds is a horrible man. He's a liar, a cheater, and generally not that pleasant to be around. Not enough bad stuff can happen to him. But there's no denying that he puts up numbers, and although that doesn't vindicate him in my opinion, that is the point of sabermetrics. If he hits and home run and the game ends 1-0, the Giants don't lose just because he's a lying, cheating, jerk.

 What Can You Do?
I know the answer to every problem is "sing a song" but if organizing a world wide series of concerts is beyond your grasp, try these simple SABER killing phrases:

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."
Albert Einstein

"The last time I checked baseball is best played on a field and not on a calculator."

"People who count don't."

 I'm personally quite fond of these phrases myself:

"If you can't properly punctuate your sentences, don't write any."

"If you don't have an argument, don't make one. And further, don't repeat yourself and try to trick people into thinking you have something when you don't."

"It's Optimum, or it's not."

"Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house."--Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love

I like that last one, though I'll admit I didn't come up with it.

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