That's right; 2,000 yards For Larry "Johnson &" Johnson (because he leaves the competition shredded and in bandages) is my big prediction for the 2006 NFL season. Yes, I 'm a Kansas City Chiefs fan. So what? I'm not predicting that my boys will win the Superbowl, I'm predicting that their best player will go completely berserk, rush for 2,000-plus yards, and be named the NFL's Offensive Player of the Year. After all, I've watched him more than almost any "analyst" out there, I should now. The guy has this Tupac-"Me Against the World" thing going on. He feels that as a football player he's been slighted his entire career, and now he's out to make everyone in his way pay. Seriously, I haven't seen someone run with the anger he harnesses every Sunday since, well, the last time I watched Earl Campbell or Jim Brown highlights. Check out this 2006 YouTube L.J. primer (Sorry about the expletives, but the NFL is finally here, I'm pumped, and you can always mute the sound.) and then check out the rest of my thoughts and predictions.

(AbsoluteBestNews.com Link to this article featuring L.J. YouTube Footage)

I'm bumping a little old school Ludacris right now. I'm pumped. The Chiefs-Cincinnati Bengals game tomorrow at Arrowhead is huge for me. NFL-wise and Fantasy Football-wise.

NFL-wise, The Chiefs have to win tomorrow. They need to make a statement that the AFC West is theirs to win. Not Denver's or San Diego's. I won't even consider the Raiders with the fatal combination of Art Shell at head coach and Aaron Brooks at quarterback.

Fantasy-wise, Chad "Simon Phoenix" Johnson, along with Steven Jackson, aka L.J.-Lite (trust me on this one), is one of my best players. Is rooting for him a conflict of interest? No. Not when you take fantasy as seriously as I do. Tomorrow I have to win. I'm playing Mikey, the league comedian, who is back after a two-year hiatus. Last year was the first year that my Hollywood A-Trains have ever missed the playoffs and it's been 3 years since I won my title. The kid's gonna get Trained. Mark my words. I think that I'm even going to make shirts this year to send out to my many victims. They'll say, "I GOT TRAINED" on the back. I like the sound of that. Has a definite ring.

Basically, I'm rooting for Chad Johnson to post 100-plus yards and 1-2 TDs in a losing effort.

Funny thing is, while we are still somewhat talking about Johnson, Mikey is a huge, huge Priest Holmes apologist. I love Priest. Love 'em. But he wasn't as tough, or as good, as Larry Johnson is. He never took us to a Superbowl. Matter of fact, Priest never led the Chiefs to a playoff victory. Neither did Willie Roaf or Dick Vermeil. That's why I am predicting 2,000. I believe in Larry more than I ever believed in those guys. And Herm Edwards is no dummy. He'll run L.J. all the way to the Playoffs.

How will the Red, White, and Gold fare in the playoffs? Part of me wants to predict an I-70 Chiefs-St. Louis Rams Superbowl, but I just can't. Both Missouri squads will go far, likely Conference Championship far, but neither will make the big game. I'm rolling with Steve Smith's Carolina Panthers and Peyton Manning's Indianapolis Colts in that one. Both Smitty and "Cut that Meat" are on L.J.-type missions of their own and have better supporting casts. The Panthers are my Superbowl Champs. Head Coach John Fox's squad has a slightly better defense and a much better rushing attack than the Colts. It's as simple as that.

What else will go down during the 2006 NFL season...

• Quarterbacks Favre, McNair, Warner, and Collins will not still be their team's signal callers by season's ends. Those teams-the Packers, Ravens, Cardinals, and Titans-will all miss the playoffs. Some call these teams "sleepers." I say all of their playoff aspirations will be asleep by week 13-14.

• San Francisco 49ers TE Vernon Davis, and not Saints RB Reggie "The President/Baby Matrix" Bush or Cardinals QB Matt Leinart, will be the NFC Rookie of the Year. He will have at least 7 TDs, and 10 TDs is within the realm of possibilities. And, yes, he's on my fantasy squad.

• Ravens Head Coach Brian Billick will be canned by the end of the season. Marty-ball will also have to find a new home after the Chargers have a disappointing season with Phillip Rivers at QB.

• (Interlude: Now "The Seeker" by The Who is playing. I'm jacked and dousing my innards with ridiculously potent Starbucks. I may not sleep tonight. At least not much.)

• I like the Giants to win the ultra-competitive NFC East. I don't believe in the A.T. (After T.O.) Eagles. I think the Redskins' "suped-up" offense will sputter as long as Jurassic QB Mark Brunell holds the keys. As for T.O. and the Cowgirls (hate 'em), puh-lease. T.O. makes Ron Artest look like a Bible salesman. His marriage with the 'Boys is doomed.

• The 2006 J-E-T-S probably couldn't even make the BCS. They will win 3 games max.

• The Houston Texans will be much better under new Head Coach Gary Kubiak. That Jake Plummer bootleg crap he's pulling with QB David Carr should really jumpstart the offense. The defense will also be better. No one will still doubt the selection of DE "Super" Mario Williams when he is playing in the Pro Bowl.

• The Lions will continue to be a mess. Their assistant coach driving through a drive-thru naked won't be nearly as embarrassing as their season will be. New Offensive Coordinator Mike Martz will help RB Kevin Jones and WR Roy Williams put up better numbers. He will not help the Lions win more ballgames.

• St. Louis, not Seattle or Arizona, will win the NFC West. The free agency acquisitions of WR Nate Burleson and RB Edgerrin James will bust. If you picked them on your fantasy squads, God help you.

• Chargers LB Shawne Merriman will break someone in half. Twice.

• Chad Johnson will lead the league in TD catches, celebrations, and me to my second Dirty Dozen Fantasy Championship.

• The Patriots will miss the playoffs, but rookie Laurence Maroney will make his presence felt. Eventually, that is. Corey Dillon will start the first 8 games and try to convince us that he's still an every-down back. He's not.

• Deion Branch will cave and be in a Patriots uni by week 6.

• Joey Porter is your Defensive Player of the Year. Peyton Manning your MVP (Steve Smith would be my pick if he was healthy. He's currently not.)

• Tony Kornheiser will be a hit on Monday Night Football. Now if only we can get ESPN to oust Joe Theismann in favor of Tony's partner-in-crime Michael Wilbon.

• My sleeper players are Jaguars WR Matt Jones, Vernon Davis, Falcons RB Jerious "Don't call me Scott" Norwood, Chiefs LB Kawika Mitchell, Giants S Will Demps, and Vikings RB Chester Taylor. I'm also very high on Texans' recent addition Ron Dayne, Packers WR Greg Jennings, and the stacked Atlanta defense. Oh, and Rams WR/brainiac Kevin Curtis. Again. Bears RB Thomas Jones will have a fantastic campaign as well.

• My busts are 'Skins RB Clinton Portis, Edgerrin James, Burleson, the Seattle Offense, the Chargers, the Patriots defense, Eagles WR Donte' Stallworth, Steve McNair, Pack WR Donald Driver, T.O., Raiders RB Lamont Jordan, 'Skins S Adam Archuleta, Broncos QB Jake Plummer, and all of the Chiefs' DTs. I think Bears RB Cedric Benson flops. As does Dolphins QB Daunte Culpepper and the Fish. I also think that this is the year that age starts catching up to Ravens LB Ray Lewis.

• I expect Eli Manning's 2006 numbers to come close to matching those of his big brother's. I'm being serious.

• Did I mention that Larry Johnson will rush for 2,000 yards? He won't break the record, though. The Chiefs need him for the playoffs, too.

Enjoy yourself this season. Tailgate to your heart's content, knock back beers aplenty, sign up for Direct TV (The only way to get NFL Sunday Ticket... my installation is the 13th.), and may all your NFL and Fantasy Football dreams come true!

AbsoluteBestNews.com Launches!!

Attention everyone, AbsoluteBestNews.com, the new website featuring yours truly and many of your favorite FoxSports.com Bloggers, has launched. We still have a lot of work to do (site design, advertising, increasing our staff size, etc...), but we are up and running. I would like to hear some feedback on the early version of the site. Please go check it out! We already have football coverage galore!

- Adam

I've quit watching the NFL preseason. As an NFL junkie, I recognize that might be considered blasphemous. I don't care. I can't take it any longer.

What have I been doing? I've been suckered into watching Bravo's Project Runway and Work Out. I've been taking advantage of my Blockbuster Online membership. I've been working on my stuff that, unlike the NFL preseason, might actually matter in the long run. I've even been doing the dishes. I've been doing anything, and I mean anything, that I possibly can to avoid being bored to death by three-plus-quarters-of-scrubs football. Why? This is why:

Point blank-preseason football is worthless.

Household names like T.O., Tom Brady, Ray Lewis, and L.T. barely even lace up their cleats during the preseason these days, and when they do it's usually for one scoring drive or one 3-and-out. Out of harms way for most of four quarters, that is. And nobody misses the few highlights star players make during the nanoseconds that they actually do strap on their chinstraps, at least halfway, and play. All of those plays and some serious filler are shown over, and over, and over on Sportscenter. And even if the magnificent moves of the NFL preseason do make you "ewwwwww" and "ahhhhhh," should they?

During the NFL preseason, T.O. stands for "Time Off."

Do big preseason plays, hell, even preseason wins amount to anything more substantial once the exhibition games are over? Not really.

I'm no statmonger, but I can't recall the last time an undefeated preseason team ripped through the NFL regular season like a Hulk Hogan T-shirt on their way to winning the Superbowl. In fact, sometimes it seems like the exact opposite happens with higher frequency. Teams that are established contenders and don't have anything to really prove during the preseason tend to take it easy during the throwaway exhibition games.

Don't believe me? The Oakland Raiders' first string has looked absolutely pathetic thus far. Still, the Raiders are somehow 3-0 in preseason play. Meanwhile, the defending Superbowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers are 0-2. Who actually thinks the Shell-shocked Raiders are better than the Cowher-powered Steelers? I'm definitely not raising my hand.

I'm a die-harder-than-Bruce-Willis Kansas City Chiefs fan and I'm more excited about watching Greg Kinnear play Dick Vermeil and Mark Wahlberg play special teams in Invincible than I am watching Herm Edwards play Dick Vermeil and a bunch of no-namers play special teams for my Chiefs this August. For now I'll just watch Sportscenter, check the injury reports, cram for my fantasy football leagues (we do it right-no preseason), and count down the days until the real NFL action begins. Hey, at least I'll have Heidi Klum to keep me occupied.

I woke up this morning like I usually do. Still half-asleep, I threw my cranky ass in the shower. Then I grabbed a bite to eat and started guzzling coffee like a Hummer does gasoline as I sifted through my morning sports news via the Internet. Typically, I do this without flinching. T.O. strained his tongue and will miss the preseason opener. Big surprise. Al Harrington still hasn't gotten traded to my Pacers. Oh well. Men's synchronized swim team banned. Big deal. 67 more athletes busted for performance enhancing drugs. What a surprise.

Then I saw something that really had me shook. Carmelo Anthony hurt his knee. A huge, gigantic, die-hard NBA fan and avid Team USA supporter, I didn't even care that my boys barely pulled out an exhibition win over Captain Barbosa, Sideshow Bob, and Brazil. I was too caught up in what had happened to Melo.

Now? After all he's been through? Why? Why?

After all, this is the guy who has seemed to just recently put all of his troubles behind him. This is the guy who legendary Head Coach Mike Krzyzewski, the coach of Team USA, has fallen in love with over the course of the last few weeks. This is the guy who has indeed been "on a mission," outplaying even LeBron James and Dwyane Wade since joining Team USA. This is the guy that looks like he could score 30 a game next year, elevating his Denver Nuggets to contender status and himself to MVP-candidate status. This is the guy that can complete the NBA's new Holy Trinity of King James, D-Wade, and Melo, this century's answer to Magic, Michael, and Bird. This is the guy, with his charming smile and unstoppable offensive repertoire, that was becoming something truly special.

In today's NBA, you can't spell Holy Trinity without "Melo."

A lot of people have criticized Melo, and fairly so. He's had some problems, both on and off the hardwood. However, he has handled superstardom at a young age extremely well. Maybe not as well as LeBron, but who has? Melo is a winner. Carrying the Syracuse Orangeman to a NCAA National Title as a college freshman proves that. If that's not enough, legendary basketball icons Coach K, Michael Jordan, and Jim Boeheim all fervently vouch for the kid. That's good enough for me. Plus, I like his style. He's gotta be the coolest cat to slash and rain jumpers since Walt "Clyde" Frazier.

Early reports are claiming that Melo's injury, sustained in a collision with Coach K, is merely a hyperextension. I'm hoping that those reports remain accurate. I would hate for arguably my favorite non-Pacer to be doing post-blowout rehab when the NBA kicks off right around Halloween. Especially when I've already gone out on a limb and predicted Melo to lead Team USA to a gold medal in this month's World Championships, and then lead George Karl, K-Mart, Bonzi Wells (it could happen, folks), and the rest of the Denver Headcases to 55-plus wins on his way to earning MVP consideration.

I would be sad if I was wrong. I would be infinitely sad Billy Corgan-style if Carmelo Anthony, undoubtedly one of the league's brightest stars, fell from the NBA's sky because of this injury.

Who were some of the pioneers of the flamboyant NFL Touchdown Celebration?

Ernest Givens brought the world the disco-cool "Electric Slide." Icky Woods got us grooving with his patented "Icky Shuffle." Vai Sikahema occasionally showed us his "Punches of Power." Randy Moss raised eyebrows with his "Man on the Moon" post-TD taunt. Warren Sapp once even did his best Beyonce impersonation. More recently, Steve Smith took a turn as both Captain Jack Sparrow and a cover girl, while Chad Johnson hit us with everything from "The Proposal" to "The Irish Jig."

To take the oft-maligned art of Touchdown Celebrating to the next level, current NFL stars would be wise to take notice of these non-ballers and their nifty moves (special thanks to YouTube.com, the site linked to show you these awe-inspiring performances)...

---

Carlton

The Fresh Prince of Bel Air's Carlton has moves for days and then some... The Carlton Dance

Gene Gene the Dancing Machine

Chuck Barris' boy and one of the biggest stars from The Gong Show... Gene Gone Wild

Bobby Badfingers

Regis and his crew should be ashamed. After all, who has more talent than... Bobby and His Fingers

Chunk

The Goonies biggest dweeb shakes what his mama gave him ... The Truffle Shuffle

Napoleon Dynamite

Sikahema's nephew (I'm flippin' serious) doing what only he can do... Darrin's Dance Grooves

Elaine

Added due to popular demand, Seinfeld's own Elaine (best I could find)... The Little Kicks

Big Ern

Kingpin's Ernie McCracken (not his in-lane dancing, but "still very good")... "Hi... Not You"

Chris Farley

Chris Farley, God bless his soul, inspires Sapp's next celebration... Dancing King