There are moments when sports are simply transcendent, when the pageantry and the drama are nothing less than awe-inspiring.

Other times, they're just flat out weird.

We're talking circus freak show weird.

We're talking German cinema weird.

And that's the side of sports we're aiming to document here -- the seamy, strange, sordid side.  Because, let's face it, that's almost as much fun as playing it straight. If not more so.

And to get things started (in an inaugural post that we promise you is much, much longer than we're typically going to babble on for), we've got two VERY different stories that both demonstrate the passion (which is just a nice way of saying weirdness) that is associated with the World Cup.

According to a report in the Russian daily Sport-Express, Ukraine coach Oleg Blokhin is relying on his players' most primal instincts in order to motivate them on the eve of the World Cup.

Reach the semifinals and you will get laid.

Asked if he would allow his players to have sex with their wives and girlfriends during the month-long tournament, Blokhin said, "I would personally send my players to see their wives if we reach the semis.

"Those who don't feel like it, I'll just drag to their wives. Take my word for it."

The "to boink or not to boink" debate (copyright pending) may be as old as sports themselves. And for some reason, it always seems to rear its head during the World Cup. Now, what that says about the baseline level of horniness in elite soccer players relative to other athletes is a topic for another blog (although given the procreation rates historically exhibited by some pro basketball players, it's very possible the NBA could give FIFA a run for its money).

We told you, Rocky! Women weaken legs!

But when it comes to assessing the soundness of Blokhin's strategy, we're going to turn to two of the more noted philosophers in American sport, even if they are fictional.

"Women weaken legs!"
-- Mickey Goldmill, Rocky

"If you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid, or because you're not getting laid, or because you wear women's underwear, then you are! And you should know that!"
-- Crash Davis, Bull Durham

So if Mickey and Crash are right (and let's face it, they've never steered us wrong before), Blokhin is wise to suggest his players re-channel their sexual urges in the name of national pride and athletic glory. But should Ukraine take advantage of a beneficial draw and reach the semifinals, instead of dragging his players off for mandatory conjugal visits, Blokhin would be better served by investing in 23 FIFA-sanctioned chastity belts (they could double as protective cups).

Because to quote Davis once again: "You don't f--- with a winning streak."

And to quote the European Animal and Nature Protection: Don't paint your pet.

Admittedly, that's a truly bizarre segue, but you try writing a seamless transition from fornicating footballers to animal abuse. It can't be done. (Or if you think you can do it, feel free to leave a comment showing us how and we will acknowledge the feat in a later entry.)

At any rate, the other story coming out of preparations for the World Cup that caught our eye Tuesday involved a German animal welfare group's concerns that rabid soccer fans might choose to show their support for the home team by painting their four-legged friends the national colors of black, red and yellow.

"No one needs to torture his dog by thoughtlessly painting it out justified enthusiasm," Norbert Guenster, the head of the organization, said in a statement Tuesday.

That's right. Hey, soccer fans. Don't show your enthusiasm by torturing your dog. Do it the old-fashioned way. Get blind drunk, pummel opposing fans with cricket bats, hurl beer bottles at referees, then set the stadium on fire by shooting off a flare gun during injury time.