When John Madden made his Hall of Fame induction speech, he mentioned how he believed the busts in Canton would speak to each other once everyone was gone for the night. While this may come across as the ramblings of a guy who's mistaken paint thinner for vodka once too often, he's right. The busts in Canton do speak with each other, and here's how the conversation went the night the new busts were put in the hall.

(Door to the Hall of Fame is closed for the night by the janitor)

Art Donovan: Okay guys, all's clear!

George Halas: (addressing the Class of '06 busts) So I see we have some new members here this evening, welcome guys.

'06 Busts (simultaneously): Thanks!

Wellington Mara: So why're you guys in here? What're your qualifications

Troy Aikman: Well, I won 3 Super Bowls with the help of the best offensive line in league history, the NFL's all-time leading rusher, and a wide receiver who made the Pro-Bowl 5 times in 9 seasons. So of course I deserve all the credit

Wellington Mara: I see, how about you sir

John Madden: I have the best winning percentage of any coach who has coached 100 games or more. I was the best announcer in football for many years, and my EA Sports football games have given me street cred with the brothas out the wazoo. Right Jim?

Jim Brown: Word

John Madden: ....and I did win one Super Bowl, and it would have been more had it not been for someone's lucky-ass play

(The Chuck Noll and Franco Harris busts both start giggling uncontrollably)

John Madden: Yeah in fact I'd just like to complain a little more about how I only won one Super Bowl...

Dan Marino, Marv Levy, Barry Sanders: (at the same time) Shaddup!

John Madden: Okay, okay, I'm done

Art Rooney: Thank you John, even your bust smells terrible. (to Warren Moon) How about you son?

Warren Moon: I have almost 50,000 passing yards and close too 300 TDs spanning over 17 NFL seasons. Plus I won 4 Grey Cups in the CFL.

Art Rooney: The what?

Warren Moon: ...um, the Canadian Football League. The place where people who can't make it in America go to make a living.

Art Rooney: Wouldn't that be just called Canada?

Warren Moon: Well, I suppose, but this was in football pads

Art Rooney: I see, I see. Didn't you also beat your wife like a prisoner at Gitmo?

Warren: (hemming and hawing) ...okay fine, I did. But I'm not the only one with off-field transgressions in here. Hell, Lawrence Taylor's nose is bleeding right now, and he's made of bronze.

LT: Hey! I'd wipe my nose, but I don't have any hands

Sammy Baugh: Enough! Come on now guys, (speaking to Reggie White) what about you? Why're you here?

Reggie White: I'm the best defensive end in the history of the NFL period. With that and the fact that I died recently, you could've had a Hall of Fame voting panel of Satanist KKK members and they couldn't have kept me out.

Deacon Jones: Hold on there a minute kid.... The best defensive end ever? I beg to differ, and if you say it again we're gonna have to get some flowers from Merlin cuz I'm gonna kill you all over again!

Merlin Olsen: Hey! Leave me out of this

Reggie White: Settle down Deacon, let me get done saying my piece and we can talk about he time you were in "The Thing with Two Heads"

Deacon Jones: That was Rosie Greer you moron!

Reggie White: Whatever, you all never won anything so who cares?

Deacon Jones: With your homo-phobic, anti-every-race-but-your-own rants towards the end of your life you may feel more at home in the Baseball Hall of Fame. You and Ty Cobb would look real nice side by side

Reggie White: Don't make me go Zidane on you!!

Deacon Jones: What're you talking about? You can only go Zidane on me!

Reggie White: Why you......!!

(Reggie inches off his stand and sloooowwwwlly charges toward Deacon)

Deacon Jones: Bring it on. I can't do my head slap like this, but I can still kick some skull base.

Paul Brown: Gentlemen please!!! Settle down or we'll put Irvin's bust next to you when he gets inducted

Deacon and Reggie: (simultaneously) Sorry

Paul Brown: Although, that reminds me of a joke. A deacon and a minister walk into a bar. I can't remember the middle but the end involves a whip and nacho cheese. Anyway, (looking at Harry Carson) what about you?

Harry Carson: I played in 9 Pro Bowls in 13 seasons. I was the sober yin to LT's raging yang. I am a Super Bowl champion, if you couldn't tell from me basically wearing a "Look at this" sign pointing right to my championship ring during my speech. And I played in New York, which counts for more than 4 Grey Cups I would think

(All other busts murmur to each other in agreement)

Warren Moon: (softly to himself) Kiss my ass

Bronko Nagurski: Well, last is you Mr. Wright, why're you here

Rayfield Wright: I was a 6 time Pro Bowler, a member of the official All-70s NFL team. I played in 5 Super Bowls and won 2. And, um, I was a tackle, we don't really have stats or anything so I can't really explain it fully.

Curly Lambeau: Okay, any other matters of business?

All: No

Curly Lambeau: Okay, tomorrow is our monthly karaoke competition. Mike Ditka singing Journey vs. Chuck Noll singing Metallica

 

 

Brings a chill doesn't it?

Well, I'm not one for long intros. I watch WWE's Monday Night Raw, recap it, and you laugh at or ignore this. That is unless I don't do it for a month or so as has been the case recently. Anyway, enough yappin', on with the nonsense

- Show opening

- With life-span having increased exponentially since the time of the very first clip of the opening montage (1940-something at best guess) you'd have the figure that your average pro-wrestler died at age 15 back then.

- I went a long way for that one, you'd better like it

- DX opens the show with a clip package of their shenanigans and goings on the past month or so

- Dick jokes and crap (literally) falling from the ceiling. Throw in some roofies and a fight or 2 with the football team and you have any given frat party on any given weekend

- DX is beloved in San Antonio, which is where Raw is being broadcast from tonight oddly enough

- Helps that Shawn Michaels is from there

- Hot chick, possibly a plant, shown completely freaking out

- DX duo does dumb infomercial skit for new shirts

- It's actually not that bad, these guys are actually kinda sorta funny, for wrestlers. Throw in Kevin Nash and I may even take away the sorta

- Or the kinda, I haven't decided yet

- You know, even at the height of its popularity, if you wore a wrestling shirt you pretty much looked like a mouth-breathing retard. I think the closest thing to acceptable was the original NWO shirt

- HHH says that Vince seems un-happy tonight and "On edge"

- Of all the gay jokes the guy makes and he chooses to pass up that one.

- Oh well, I'm no writer

- Did they ditch the Raw opening? One can only hope

- Heh, raw opening

- One of these guys are turning, not sure who though. Or when. Hopefully it's not HHH, that's been done waaaayyyyyy too much

- Not that it's ever stopped them before - Lots of hot tail in the audience tonight.

- DX goads Vince out

- Guy in the crowd holds up a stuffed chicken with a sign that says "Vince likes me"

- Hey, who doesn't like taxidermy?

- Vince doing his best "John Vernon in Animal House" impression.

- If the line "Roided, oiled up, and stupid is no way to go through life son" is uttered my life will once again have meaning

- Vince has 2 words for them - Shane-O-Mac

- Isn't that 3 words?

- Or 2 and a half at least

- Oh well, I'm no mathematician

- Vince makes a HBK/Shane match for tonight

- Shane does a nice McMahon "Shaaadaapp!" to the crowd

- Generic bad guy stuff

- Vince's music plays as we go to clips of Umaga destroying people

- Commercials

- I could have lived my life without hearing a midget scream "The meat!! The meat!!"

- Carlito and Trish shown winning at SNME

- Carlito to the ring

- Nice, a "My mom says I'm cool" sign in the audience

- Milhouse ****es

- Benjamin out

- Here's a guy in desperate need of a personality, he could rule the world. Right now he's just idling

- Both guys seem to be going at half speed

- As I type that JR says they are both "quicker than hiccups"

- "Quicker than a long wet fart" would be more appropriate tonight

- Wrestling happens

- Carlito wins using the ropes, after Benji tried doing it first

- SNME clips shown, Cena v. Edge

- Lame DQ ending

- Black guy in crowd shown checking out Lita's ****

- Umaga gets a guy like Cena already?

- Wonder where they're going with that

- Probably another DQ

- Commercials

- "Clerks II: Clerks meet Earl from 'My Name is Earl'"

- So it seems anyway

- Backstage, Trish pretends to be attracted to Carlito

- This Week in Wrestling History, it involves women's wrestling (from the 80s no less) so basically it's one big who-gives-a-rats****?

- Was Fabulous Moolah always 80 years old?

- Announcer says the bout "grabbed headlines nationwide"

- Yes, I can see it now, "Woman Beats Woman Twice Her Age in Fake Bout" on the front page of the New York Times

- Women's tag match next, for no real reason Candace is the guest referee

- Trish and Torrie vs. 2 women who won't win

- The women get mixed and matched more than an interracial bi-sexual dating web-site

- At least they usually stay in character

- Usually

- Titties flop around, midriffs are shown, my pants are messed....er, nevermind

- Stuff happens, Candace helps Trish and whatsername win the match

- Maria backstage with ethnic stereotype #1 and ethnic stereotype #2

- If El Matador Tito Sanatana were there too it'd be a nice trifecta of 1950s style non-white stereotypes. Oh well, maybe eventually

- Estrada: "let me 'splain somethin' to jew"

- I don't think the Jews have time to have things explained to them right now, theys gots airports to bomb

- Umaga shows us his grill

- Commercials

- "John Tucker Must Die", not since "40 Days and 40 Nights" has a movie made the average guy feel like such an impotent loser.

- And what's with this kid? First he gets to bang Eva Longoria on that show, now he's in a movie where he's getting 5 hot chicks after him? I mean, he's a good looking guy and all (which I am comfortable enough in my ultra-heteroness to say), but by age 30 he's either gonna be balding or have a widow's peak that'll make Eddie Munster jealous. You can just kinda tell, he already has a good one started

- Mick Foley in Stamford for some-odd reason

- Makes excuses for losing to a 60 year old man

- Says there'll be no re-match

- Speaking of widow's peaks, Lawler needs to start wearing a baseball hat instead of a crown

- Clips of 2 men beating up a woman from last week.

- Maria asks Vis and Haas why, and to tell the truth I don't care. Unless they admit to being lovers, that'd at least be interesting. Hey, with that headband Haas has on would you be surprised?

- Diva Search

- Far be it for me to complain about hot chicks on a show full of half naked guys.

- So I won't

- Commercials

- Miami Vice, coming soon

- Any reason they haven't gotten around to making an Alf movie? I better not joke about that, it may actually happen

- WWE Magazine, US Weekly for people with no teeth

- The Highlanders

- Does this mean we'll eventually see them get their heads cut off?

- Please?

- I do like that they announced their weight in "stone" though. I think the US should change its weight measurement to that

- As lame as the gimmick is the guys doing it do as good a job as can be hoped for it

- The Bushwackers for the 21st century

- They have stuff on under the kilts, so they aren't really Scottish

- And thank Almighty God for that -

They win, natch

- So is ECW's 11 pm start time a sign that it's in trouble after only a month?

- Commercials

- Benchwarmers on DVD. Did that movie do well? I actually have no idea

- DX speaks with the Scottish guys, tell them that Vince would love to meet them

- At least they aren't telling them that Pat Patterson wants to meet them.

- If you don't know, don't ask

- Teacher guy in the ring

- Cena out

- So Cena's doing stuff with Umaga and Stryker now? Did HHH catch him banging Stephanie or something?

- Speak of the Samoan devil, Umaga comes out

- No ref, so the match won't actually happen

- Cena beating down Umaga

- Until Umaga throws him through Strykers chalkboard

- Once again, if you don't know, don't ask

- Ref finally comes out, and of course starts the match after the obvious DQ

- Back and forth action

- I still have to wonder where exactly they go with Umaga. He's kind of limited if he stays in this character, cuz otherwise he ain't bad, especially for his size

- Edge and Lita out

- Cena goes after Edge

- Cena in control

- So wait, do people like Cena now? Or what exactly?

- Oh yeah, Umaga also needs a less gay finisher

- That's gay as in stupid, not gay as in ****-erotic. There is a difference

- Highlanders with Vince, hilarity ensues

- Commercials

- Wait, was Vince trying to catch DX in a net last week?

- An anvil wasn't available?

- Orton down

- You may remember Mark Madden as the big fat ring announcer from the last days of WCW. He's also a big fat sports radio host here in Pittsburgh. While he very very rarely talks about wrestling he did talk about the Orton/Hogan feud before it happened, even knew the Brooke Hogan aspect. He may be Comic Book Guy come to life with a made for radio voice, but he knew what he was talking about this time

- Orton beats Eugene quickly

- How long has Brooke Hogan been 17? I think it's been about 3 years now

- Clips of stalking are shown

- Commercials

- I read somewhere where Gieco commercials are the most widely played commercials on TV. I can buy that

- Foley again

- Mentions Melina for the second time.

- Either setting up for a future match with Nitro. Or some inside thing that only the geekiest of internet wrestling geeks knows about

- He doesn't really say anything new, in fact it was kind of pointless

- Flair out

- Clips from Flair's match with Big Show on the ECW show is shown

- Why the hell would Flair want to do that?

- Melina comes out, with Nitro. Hopefully for some kind of explanation

- Melina with the Madeline Kahn at the end of "Young Frankenstein" hair going on

- Looks really stupid

- Nitro beats up Flair

- Oh right, Melina's thing is screaming now.

- Is she really going for a Bride of Frankenstein thing? I'm being serious

- Melina gets knocked off the apron. I'm sure she's really in great pain

- Flair celebrates crippling the tiny woman

- Diva Search, next

- Commercials

 

- Okay, Clerks II  I ain't buying Dante dating Rosario Dawson, I'm sorry. Randall? Maybe. Jay? Maybe. Dante? Heeeall no

- Alright, enough complaining

- Diva Search, now

- "The Miz"

- So is he a wrestler or just an announcer? He's a big enough guy, and he's got charisma, something precious few WWE guys have these days

- I'll take the middle chick in the black, whatever her name is

- Or the blonde

- Cuz that's about all that's left after that

- Vince pumps up Shane

- Stupid sign gag, and I still laughed

- I suck

- Commercials

- Rusty Griswold gives HHH a hand

- DX out

- "Let's get ready to suck it"

- Never got why any wrestler would be comfortable saying that

- Commercials

- Ballad of Ricky Bobby

- Will Ferrell characters really don't vary much do they? Lucky for him he's funny

- Back to action, HBK comes this close to breaking his neck

- HHH chases Vince

- Spirit Squad attacks HBK

- HHH tries to save

- Fails

- Tries again with a sledgehammer

- Doesn't fail

- Show ends

Big news today of Ben Roethlisberger's accident. All indications are that he will indeed live, and preliminary reports are even saying he could be ready for the start of the season (very preliminary of course). Very good news. Enough with the pleasantries Forgive my callousness, but what a stupid ass-hole. Contrary to what you may be thinking after that statement, I couldn't care less about him as a Steeler. My ego is not so attached to the Steelers that I'm gonna jump in front of a bus just because the Steelers may not make the playoffs now. No, I'm pissed off at Roethlisberger the person. He has the life. He's the youngest starting QB to win the Super Bowl in NFL history, he's a multi-millionaire at age 23, he bangs chicks as easily as most of us drink water, and he's well on his way to a Hall-of-Fame calibur career. And he risks it almost everyday, and for what? To ride a stupid motorcycle, without a helmet to boot. There's a difference between necessary and low-risk risk, such as playing football, drinking a lot, and even riding in a car, and just unecessary high-risk behavior. The only way riding a motorcycle is a good idea is if riding it feels like having sex with Adriana Lima and Jessica Alba at the same time. Otherwise, if you ride one, you're an idiot. I don't care if you're the safest bike rider in the world; if you've ever driven, you know, anywhere, you've seen how stupid other drivers are. Just because it isn't your fault after an accident doesn't mean you aren't pavement meat afterward. Now, one or two of you may start on me "Well I've ridden a bike for 50 years and never wrecked!" you are the exception, not the rule. In other words, you're just lucky, not any less stupid. There are only 2 good reasons I've ever heard to ride a motorcycle. 1. Chicks like it: If this is your reason you ride a bike it means your penis is smaller than your brain, quite a feat. Why not just buy a vibrator? It's cheaper, accomplishes the same thing, and the only way it's as dangerous is if you piss your woman off and she beats you in the head with it. 2. Great gas mileage. Can't argue with this one, but shooting heroin doesn't use much gas either. So now he at the very least Ben has badly sprained knees, a broken sinus cavity, and about 3 teeth left. And for what? To be Mr. Tough Guy Biker. Hey, it's his life, and I'm sure once he can process his thoughts he'd no sooner care what I think than what his earwax thinks. And once he returns, I'll root him along as I always have. But the side of me who'd love to be living his life now will dislike him immensely for almost throwing it all away for nothing.