Well, I'm not one for long intros. I watch WWE's Monday Night Raw, recap it, and you laugh at or ignore this. That is unless I don't do it for a month or so as has been the case recently. Anyway, enough yappin', on with the nonsense - Show opening - With life-span having increased exponentially since the time of the very first clip of the opening montage (1940-something at best guess) you'd have the figure that your average pro-wrestler died at age 15 back then. - I went a long way for that one, you'd better like it - DX opens the show with a clip package of their shenanigans and goings on the past month or so - Dick jokes and crap (literally) falling from the ceiling. Throw in some roofies and a fight or 2 with the football team and you have any given frat party on any given weekend - DX is beloved in San Antonio, which is where Raw is being broadcast from tonight oddly enough - Helps that Shawn Michaels is from there - Hot chick, possibly a plant, shown completely freaking out - DX duo does dumb infomercial skit for new shirts - It's actually not that bad, these guys are actually kinda sorta funny, for wrestlers. Throw in Kevin Nash and I may even take away the sorta - Or the kinda, I haven't decided yet - You know, even at the height of its popularity, if you wore a wrestling shirt you pretty much looked like a mouth-breathing retard. I think the closest thing to acceptable was the original NWO shirt - HHH says that Vince seems un-happy tonight and "On edge" - Of all the gay jokes the guy makes and he chooses to pass up that one. - Oh well, I'm no writer - Did they ditch the Raw opening? One can only hope - Heh, raw opening - One of these guys are turning, not sure who though. Or when. Hopefully it's not HHH, that's been done waaaayyyyyy too much - Not that it's ever stopped them before - Lots of hot tail in the audience tonight. - DX goads Vince out - Guy in the crowd holds up a stuffed chicken with a sign that says "Vince likes me" - Hey, who doesn't like taxidermy? - Vince doing his best "John Vernon in Animal House" impression. - If the line "Roided, oiled up, and stupid is no way to go through life son" is uttered my life will once again have meaning - Vince has 2 words for them - Shane-O-Mac - Isn't that 3 words? - Or 2 and a half at least - Oh well, I'm no mathematician - Vince makes a HBK/Shane match for tonight - Shane does a nice McMahon "Shaaadaapp!" to the crowd - Generic bad guy stuff - Vince's music plays as we go to clips of Umaga destroying people - Commercials - I could have lived my life without hearing a midget scream "The meat!! The meat!!" - Carlito and Trish shown winning at SNME - Carlito to the ring - Nice, a "My mom says I'm cool" sign in the audience - Milhouse bitches - Benjamin out - Here's a guy in desperate need of a personality, he could rule the world. Right now he's just idling - Both guys seem to be going at half speed - As I type that JR says they are both "quicker than hiccups" - "Quicker than a long wet fart" would be more appropriate tonight - Wrestling happens - Carlito wins using the ropes, after Benji tried doing it first - SNME clips shown, Cena v. Edge - Lame DQ ending - Black guy in crowd shown checking out Lita's ass - Umaga gets a guy like Cena already? - Wonder where they're going with that - Probably another DQ - Commercials - "Clerks II: Clerks meet Earl from 'My Name is Earl'" - So it seems anyway - Backstage, Trish pretends to be attracted to Carlito - This Week in Wrestling History, it involves women's wrestling (from the 80s no less) so basically it's one big who-gives-a-rats-ass? - Was Fabulous Moolah always 80 years old? - Announcer says the bout "grabbed headlines nationwide" - Yes, I can see it now, "Woman Beats Woman Twice Her Age in Fake Bout" on the front page of the New York Times - Women's tag match next, for no real reason Candace is the guest referee - Trish and Torrie vs. 2 women who won't win - The women get mixed and matched more than an interracial dating web-site - At least they usually stay in character - Usually - Titties flop around, midriffs are shown, my pants are messed....er, nevermind - Stuff happens, Candace helps Trish and whatsername win the match - Maria backstage with ethnic stereotype #1 and ethnic stereotype #2 - If El Matador Tito Sanatana were there too it'd be a nice trifecta of 1950s style non-white stereotypes. Oh well, maybe eventually - Estrada: "let me 'splain somethin' to jew" - I don't think the Jews have time to have things explained to them right now, theys gots airports to bomb - Umaga shows us his grill - Commercials - "John Tucker Must Die", not since "40 Days and 40 Nights" has a movie made the average guy feel like such an impotent loser. - And what's with this kid? First he gets to bang Eva Longoria on that show, now he's in a movie where he's getting 5 hot chicks after him? I mean, he's a good looking guy and all (which I am comfortable enough in my ultra-heteroness to say), but by age 30 he's either gonna be balding or have a widow's peak that'll make Eddie Munster jealous. You can just kinda tell, he already has a good one started - Mick Foley in Stamford for some-odd reason - Makes excuses for losing to a 60 year old man - Says there'll be no re-match - Speaking of widow's peaks, Lawler needs to start wearing a baseball hat instead of a crown - Clips of 2 men beating up a woman from last week. - Maria asks Vis and Haas why, and to tell the truth I don't care. Unless they admit to being lovers, that'd at least be interesting. Hey, with that headband Haas has on would you be surprised? - Diva Search - Far be it for me to complain about hot chicks on a show full of half naked guys. - So I won't - Commercials - Miami Vice, coming soon - Any reason they haven't gotten around to making an Alf movie? I better not joke about that, it may actually happen - WWE Magazine, US Weekly for people with no teeth - The Highlanders - Does this mean we'll eventually see them get their heads cut off? - Please? - I do like that they announced their weight in "stone" though. I think the US should change its weight measurement to that - As lame as the gimmick is the guys doing it do as good a job as can be hoped for it - The Bushwackers for the 21st century - They have stuff on under the kilts, so they aren't really Scottish - And thank Almighty God for that - They win, natch - So is ECW's 11 pm start time a sign that it's in trouble after only a month? - Commercials - Benchwarmers on DVD. Did that movie do well? I actually have no idea - DX speaks with the Scottish guys, tell them that Vince would love to meet them - At least they aren't telling them that Pat Patterson wants to meet them. - If you don't know, don't ask - Teacher guy in the ring - Cena out - So Cena's doing stuff with Umaga and Stryker now? Did HHH catch him banging Stephanie or something? - Speak of the Samoan devil, Umaga comes out - No ref, so the match won't actually happen - Cena beating down Umaga - Until Umaga throws him through Strykers chalkboard - Once again, if you don't know, don't ask - Ref finally comes out, and of course starts the match after the obvious DQ - Back and forth action - I still have to wonder where exactly they go with Umaga. He's kind of limited if he stays in this character, cuz otherwise he ain't bad, especially for his size - Edge and Lita out - Cena goes after Edge - Cena in control - So wait, do people like Cena now? Or what exactly? - Oh yeah, Umaga also needs a less gay finisher - That's gay as in stupid, not gay as in homo-erotic. There is a difference - Highlanders with Vince, hilarity ensues - Commercials - Wait, was Vince trying to catch DX in a net last week? - An anvil wasn't available? - Orton down - You may remember Mark Madden as the big fat ring announcer from the last days of WCW. He's also a big fat sports radio host here in Pittsburgh. While he very very rarely talks about wrestling he did talk about the Orton/Hogan feud before it happened, even knew the Brooke Hogan aspect. He may be Comic Book Guy come to life with a made for radio voice, but he knew what he was talking about this time - Orton beats Eugene quickly - How long has Brooke Hogan been 17? I think it's been about 3 years now - Clips of stalking are shown - Commercials - I read somewhere where Gieco commercials are the most widely played commercials on TV. I can buy that - Foley again - Mentions Melina for the second time. - Either setting up for a future match with Nitro. Or some inside thing that only the geekiest of internet wrestling geeks knows about - He doesn't really say anything new, in fact it was kind of pointless - Flair out - Clips from Flair's match with Big Show on the ECW show is shown - Why the hell would Flair want to do that? - Melina comes out, with Nitro. Hopefully for some kind of explanation - Melina with the Madeline Kahn at the end of "Young Frankenstein" hair going on - Looks really stupid - Nitro beats up Flair - Oh right, Melina's thing is screaming now. - Is she really going for a Bride of Frankenstein thing? I'm being serious - Melina gets knocked off the apron. I'm sure she's really in great pain - Flair celebrates crippling the tiny woman - Diva Search, next - Commercials - Two straight commercials featuring guys who're supposedly getting more ass than a proctologist. Why don't they just show an episode of Cribs or Jay-Z naked to really make me feel inadequate - Okay, Clerks II commercial kind of does the same thing. I ain't buying Dante dating Rosario Dawson, I'm sorry. Randall? Maybe. Jay? Maybe. Dante? Heeeall no - Alright, enough complaining - Diva Search, now - "The Miz" - So is he a wrestler or just an announcer? He's a big enough guy, and he's got charisma, something precious few WWE guys have these days - I'll take the middle chick in the black, whatever her name is - Or the blonde - Cuz that's about all that's left after that - Vince pumps up Shane - Stupid sign gag, and I still laughed - I suck - Commercials - Rusty Griswold gives HHH a hand - DX out - "Let's get ready to suck it" - Never got why any wrestler would be comfortable saying that - Commercials - Ballad of Ricky Bobby - Will Ferrell characters really don't vary much do they? Lucky for him he's funny - Back to action, HBK comes this close to breaking his neck - HHH chases Vince - Spirit Squad attacks HBK - HHH tries to save - Fails - Tries again with a sledgehammer - Doesn't fail - Show ends

Big news today of Ben Roethlisberger's accident. All indications are that he will indeed live, and preliminary reports are even saying he could be ready for the start of the season (very preliminary of course). Very good news. Enough with the pleasantries Forgive my callousness, but what a stupid ass-hole. Contrary to what you may be thinking after that statement, I couldn't care less about him as a Steeler. My ego is not so attached to the Steelers that I'm gonna jump in front of a bus just because the Steelers may not make the playoffs now. No, I'm pissed off at Roethlisberger the person. He has the life. He's the youngest starting QB to win the Super Bowl in NFL history, he's a multi-millionaire at age 23, he bangs chicks as easily as most of us drink water, and he's well on his way to a Hall-of-Fame calibur career. And he risks it almost everyday, and for what? To ride a stupid motorcycle, without a helmet to boot. There's a difference between necessary and low-risk risk, such as playing football, drinking a lot, and even riding in a car, and just unecessary high-risk behavior. The only way riding a motorcycle is a good idea is if riding it feels like having sex with Adriana Lima and Jessica Alba at the same time. Otherwise, if you ride one, you're an idiot. I don't care if you're the safest bike rider in the world; if you've ever driven, you know, anywhere, you've seen how stupid other drivers are. Just because it isn't your fault after an accident doesn't mean you aren't pavement meat afterward. Now, one or two of you may start on me "Well I've ridden a bike for 50 years and never wrecked!" you are the exception, not the rule. In other words, you're just lucky, not any less stupid. There are only 2 good reasons I've ever heard to ride a motorcycle. 1. Chicks like it: If this is your reason you ride a bike it means your penis is smaller than your brain, quite a feat. Why not just buy a vibrator? It's cheaper, accomplishes the same thing, and the only way it's as dangerous is if you piss your woman off and she beats you in the head with it. 2. Great gas mileage. Can't argue with this one, but shooting heroin doesn't use much gas either. So now he at the very least Ben has badly sprained knees, a broken sinus cavity, and about 3 teeth left. And for what? To be Mr. Tough Guy Biker. Hey, it's his life, and I'm sure once he can process his thoughts he'd no sooner care what I think than what his earwax thinks. And once he returns, I'll root him along as I always have. But the side of me who'd love to be living his life now will dislike him immensely for almost throwing it all away for nothing.

Feddies vs. Jason (Grimsley) So the guy who's ultimately gonna take down baseball is some nobody relief pitcher who has a last name that a sounds like a Martin Short character? MLB could be doomed as doomed can be (I must say, but then again they won't be), and really it is a shame. HGH is a tough subject to deal with in a lot of ways. First of all you have to deal with the MLBPA, which is the strongest union, well, probably in all of America, not just sports. Second, no matter what you may have heard, there is no good test for HGH, not even blood testing. So even if there is a agreement for testing it may not do any good anyway. The only way HGH will ever get under control is if the players themselves understand what a problem it could be and police one another. Of course, the chances of that happening fall between "Pirates winning the World Series" and "A Muppet get elected president in 2008". In other word, it's not happening that way. And no "Bush isn't a Muppet?" jokes, that's (obviously) way too predictable. ________________________________________________________________________ Soccer? Nearly Killed Her With the World Cup starting yesterday, the quad-annual (?) debate of "Will soccer (er, um, futbol) ever make it big in America?" begins anew. There have been countless reasons given for why it's still about as popular as Ann Coulter in NYC (okay exaggeration, but it's a good line). However the biggest reason for soccer's non-acceptance in America I believe is fairly simple, but you hardly ever hear it talked about. Imagine a parallel universe where minor league baseball existed in America (from low A to AA let's say), but MLB and even AAA baseball was played and televised primarily in Europe. If the only way to watch the best baseball players in the world was Fox Sports World (ie, channel 400-something on your digital cable package) or the occasional game on ESPN2 in the middle of a Tuesday, then you probably wouldn't be as interested in the game as you are today. Major League Soccer is major league in name only, the best players in the world are not there, or at best not there for long. The MLS could remedy the situation by really making an investment and at least attempting to bring in the brightest stars, even if only at first they can only get aging guys like Beckham, Zidane, or Figo for example. Pay them enough and it will happen. Of course, that'll happen after baseball players start policing each other for HGH, so soccer really never will take off. That all being said, there is more of a subtle buzz for this World Cup than I have ever heard regarding soccer. People seem to be actually giving it a chance, and the "You don't like soccer? You're an idiot" crowd seems to have gotten the message and have made themselves mostly scarce. This has the potential to be the most talked event in American soccer history. 2 things will really help the World Cup take off in the US 1) World Cup Pools. By pools I mean like the NCAA tourney pools, only with the added challenge of picking who actually makes it out of group play. The ability to gamble on the games makes any sport more popular. 2) Drinking games. Drinking, like gambling, is the key to enjoying pretty much any sport. So have fun and google up some World Cup drinking games, Just some advice, you may want to ignore the direction to "Drink after every time someone flops" cuz you're blood alcohol level will be higher than Eddie Sutton's by halftime of the first game. ________________________________________________________________________ Finals Fantasy Just a couple of quick thoughts about the NBA Finals. First, Shaq may be the most overrated player of his generation. He's the NBA equivalent of Jerome Bettis. They are Hall-of Fame material players, when their teams are ahead. However, once their teams fall behind by any significant amount they are pretty much useless. Everyone's always quick to say "Well, Kobe's not so great, what'd he ever win without Shaq?" What they always fail to ask as a follow-up is "What'd Shaq ever win without Kobe?" The answer is the same for both questions, a whole lotta nothing. Of course, Jordan never won without Pippen, and vise-versa, but we all know who the alpha dog in that relationship was (hint: not Pippen). So the question is who's the Jordan of the Kobe/Shaq relationship? My guess? Kobe, but that's just a guess. Second, people always make fun of Mark Cuban's hair. The same goes for Bill Gates, Donald Trump, and probably a couple other multi-million/billionaires. If I'm any of those guys I try and convince the other mega-rich guys to buy up Super-Cuts, Fantastic Sams, and whatever other national chain of hair-cutters there are, and make them give "the Cuban", "the Gates, or "The what-ever-my-last-name-is-I-ain't-telling-you" to make sure it's the in hair style. Can't beat 'em, make them join ya, that's what I always say. ________________________________________________________________________ Fun Fact A quick fun fact to tell your friends: After last night's win against the Pirates now have as many road wins as the Steelers did last season. If it weren't the middle of June that stat wouldn't make me wanna punch a nun. That's regular season wins too by the way, to get 3 more road wins and catch up completely it'll take till after the All-Star break at this rate. ________________________________________________________________________ Separation of Church and Quaker State You may've heard about the Church of Scientology sponsoring a NASCAR driver. All this means is that NASCAR, like most money-making entities, have no real shame. Not that Scientology is better or worse than any other religion, it's just where does it stop? If NAMBLA (google it) comes up with enough money, do they get a sponsorship deal? Just curious. ________________________________________________________________________ Nice Guys Finish Lastings A bit of an old story, but since when did that ever stop me? Anyway, you all know by now that Lastings Millidge hit his first home run, which tied the game no less, and slapped hands with the fans as he took the field the next inning. Of course, because you're a rookie or second year player, you can't do anything that even remotely comes across as showing up the competition. I'm amazed they get away with getting hits off of veteran pitchers. And because Lastings did this he was justly criticized by his manager and such moral stalwarts as Steve Kline, and I'm sure John Rocker had his say too. So for those keeping score, Frank Robinson, who is supposedly one of the toughest guys ever to play the game, cried like Dick Vermiel when he had to actually (Dear God no!!!!) take a no-name veteran out of the game because he was playing a worse catcher than I would. But, a rookie shows enthusiasm and it's the most shameful thing ever. At what point do Major League players go from skidmarks on a jock to deities? Is it somewhere between their 3rd and 4th years? I must know dammit, I must ________________________________________________________________________ Big Openings One major opening, two smaller ones, all well received. Cars - Not the Rick Ocasek story, but another Pixar movie about a couple of buddies overcoming obstacles. Not entirely original, but oh well. A Prairie Home Companion - Garrison Keillor and Lindsay Lohan would be the oddest people to star together in a movie this summer (the love scene between the 2 is a bit much). But later in August it's Jessica Simpson and the Car Talk guys in "Having Fun in the Backseat". Heart of the Game - Not sure what it's about exactly outside of being a documentary about a girl's basketball team. That being the case it won't be as athletic as "Hoop Dreams", but it'll have better fundamentals. And it won't make as much money

In Kurt Cobain's suicide note he basically said that he killed himself because he lost his passion for performing. He even said in the note "I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby!" Now, some might suggest that putting a shotgun in your mouth and pulling the trigger merely because you don't like being a rock-star anymore may be a bit, um, extreme. But little did we realize at the time that it was a warning sign that people in Seattle and the Northwest in general are just basically whiney, stupid people who get too emotional over things. First is the big one, the Super Bowl. First off, before the game even started Seattle fans were convinced that I had a better chance of dating Adriana Lima that then Steelers had of winning the game. For what reason that is I dunno, I'm assuming their domination of the awesome NFC West had something to do with it. As for post game reaction, you'd think that there was never a game where one team had more penalties called against it than another team. It was a conspiracy! It was rigged!! They wanted the Steelers to win the game!!!!!! Forgiving the fact that Mike Holmgren had one of the worst coaching performances in Super Bowl history. Why do you think he's been so steadfast in his ref bashing, taking every opportunity to do so. It's because if he does that he knows Seattle fans basically started following the team in December of 2005, and they're stupid enough to buy it so it lets him off the hook. It's like fending off an attack from a really stupid pit-bull by throwing a piece of crap and he goes to fetch it and eat it. And you ate it up and asked for seconds Seattle-ites, need a breath mint? So this was all in the immediate aftermath of the game, and every rational person figured it would die down within a month at the most. We did not count on the persistence of Seattle based people and their ability to hold on to things so long that even fundamentalist Islamist who refer to the Pope as the "Leader of the Crusades" say "Damn, you sure can hold a stupid grudge" They are STILL complaining about the Super Bowl reffing there. There's a journalist here in Pittsburgh by the name of Jim Wexell, kind of a free-lancer. Specializes in the Steelers and maybe more specifically the NFL Draft. Some sports radio guy named Softy (apropos name for a Seattle sports guy don't you think?) had Jim on his show a week or so ago and started complaining about the Super Bowl. Well they got into it and Jim called the guy a pussy on the air, well needless to say he got hung up on not long after that. Now, I'm not one for being vulgar on the air, it really made us here in Pittsburgh look bad, even though that played it back locally found it incredibly funny. However, Jim wasn't wrong, people from Seattle are a bunch of pussies apparently, he just could have found a better way to express himself. He also brought up a good point. They Seattle radio guy used the old "Well, *sniff* if the shoe had been on the other *whimper* foot you'd be doing the same thing in Pittsburgh. Waaaaaahhhhh!!" argument. And I kind of bought that before, but then our guy pointed out, and quite correctly, that if Cowher had messed up half as bad as Holmgren and cost the Steelers the Super Bowl he would have been met at the Pittsburgh Airport by a mob with a short length of rope and a map to the nearest tall tree (my words, not his). Exaggeration of course, I think, but the point remains that we here are not stupid enough to buy the fact that refs alone determine the outcome of games. As a basic outline of how pretty much everyone in America feels about the Super Bowl can be summed up by the following mailbag question and answer from ESPN.com's Bill Simmons. Q: Did you READ Peter King's MMQB column this week? Where on the scale of "most ridiculous unjustified whining well after the game is over" scale do the '05 Seahawks rank? I'd say at least an 8.9. It's been more than three MONTHS and they're STILL whining! Look, it's one thing if the call certainly cost you the game (e.g. the Tuck Rule game, the '72 U.S. basketball team, etc.), but come on. The Seahawks have no one to blame but themselves. Get over it. -- John Gale, Albuquerque, N.M. SG: Hear hear. I think Mike Holmgren is keeping it up to deflect attention from the fact that he mangled the clock management at the end of both halves. Seriously, did that game even crack the top-100 worst officiated games of the past 25 years? What about the Don Denkinger Game, or Game 6 of the 2002 Kings-Lakers series, or Game 7 of the 1993 Sonics-Suns series, or the Pats-Raiders playoff game in 1976, or the Jeffrey Maier Game, or the Hart-Michaels match at the 1997 Survivor Series? Let's face it, that was just a lousy Super Bowl -- the officials stunk, but so did both teams. Deep down, the Seattle fans know that their team didn't do enough to win that game. You guys should be worrying about more important things -- like figuring out what the HELL is going on with Felix Hernandez. And this was a Patriots fan who during his Super Bowl running diary said something along the lines of "Boy, I hope the Steelers take the refs with them to the White House!" and even HE has seen the light. There are 4 types of people who are still on the "crying about the Super Bowl" bandwagon 1 Seattle people, but I've dogged them enough for the time being 2. Fans of rival teams of the Steelers (ie Browns, Bengals, and to a lesser extent the Ravens) - First if you're a fan of any Ohio NFL team: Hahahahahahahahaha, what a loser. Second, it's nice of you to attempt to cut the Steelers at the legs to attempt to make yourself feel better. But wouldn't it make more sense to try and legitimize the Steelers win to make your crappy teams look better? Because the Steelers whipped your monkey-ass teams you can say "at least it was the Super Bowl champs who did it", but no that would actually be the smart thing to do. There are 2 things that come from Ohio, hot chicks and morons, sometimes both (see Holmes, Katey). What do you expect from the flattest most boring state east of Nebraska? 3. People who just hate the Steelers and want to twist the tit a little bit. These people I can go along with more than the others because as I've said before if I weren't a Steelers fan I would hate Steeler fans with a passion. 4. Uninformed ultra-casual fans, ie your wife, grandma, etc. The "Well if John Madden says it's a bad call it's good enough for me" crowd. Now if all this weren't bad enough, when Washington got eliminated from the NCAA tournament in March the cries of "OH MY GOD, THE REFS ARE OUT TO GET US!!!!!" talk started anew. As I said at the time, the free-throw disparity in that game and the game where Pitt got eliminated was very close. And there was no call as bad in the Washington-UConn game as the technical foul against Aaron Gray in the Pitt-Bradley game. But again, we here in Pittsburgh aren't stupid whiney people, we're angry people who go after our own first. Again, as I said at the time you can tell which state Adam Morrison was from because he started bawling uncontrollably before the final buzzer even sounded! Go ahead, guess which one. Now, and this was what brought this entire post on, we have some genius from Washington complaining about refereeing in a game where his team isn't even involved. http://blogs.foxsports.com/Treeorc/2006/06/03/How_the_Refs_Helped_the_Heat_Cook_Detroit Does it get more retarded than that? I doubt it. He doesn't really even give any reasons, it's just in his Washington born and raised blood that causes him to blame refs. Now maybe you understand more why Seattle is the suicide capital of the world. And if the Super Bowl got rid of one or two more, then the Lombardi Trophy shines brighter in my eyes than it did before. And if you are still alive quit being such erratic, moody babies, or just stick the shotgun in your mouth.

Once again a disclaimer, this is a recap of the Monday Night Raw show. You don't watch wrestling, it won't be as good. Just fair warning - We start with a nice (if long) Memorial Day tribute before the show - The workers are lucky they didn't get shipped to Afghanistan for this holiday - Oh wait, they only do that for friggin' Christmas, I'm sure the wrestlers looovee that - Opening 1, lots of dead people featured - "No chance, that's what ya got" - Vince to the ring, arms flailing wildly per usual - Vince is happy to be there - Wherever there is, I don't think they've mentioned yet - Better than 2 weeks ago when Shane got hit with a sledgehammer - Vince says HHH's actions were an accident, but an act of negligence - Owen Hart looks down from heaven and says "Hey, you'd know all about that wouldn't you asshole?" - Vince shows HBK getting beaten down last week by the Spirit Squad - As I said last week, HBK's vacation started then - Vince says there's a place in the WWE for HBK - ie, setting the ring up, ring announcer, - Clips of HHH taking out the Spirit Squad shown next - And the clip freezes where it makes him look stupider than it probably should - HHH will face 20 year old Kenny tonite - Kenny will be WWE champion within 2 years - Maybe one year - You heard it here first - Vince introduces his new executive assistant - Coach Gumbel - I would have guessed Candace - But she is part of the answer to "How far can fake breasts get you in the world?" - Coach sets up matches for later - You'll know them later, I don't feel like recapping that. I'm going live here people - IC title match starts right now - Kane vs. Shelton - Over/under match length 2 mins - Poor Shelton, first loses to that Haas guy and now this - Well, my over/under's off already as we go to - Commercials - Anyone buying the "doctor" in the Hydroxycut commercials? Hell if I am - Shelton in control as we come back - He still doesn't stand a chance - Where's "big black mama" been anyway? - Announcers still pimping Kane's movie - I didn't realize the director of the movie, Gregory Dark, was a porn director at one time - Nothing like a porn director to legitimize your production company, especially when you're starting as low as "WWE Movies" is already - The next movie will be directed by Peter North - Splash by Benji countered into a chokeslam, then the voices start - I guess the mask'll be making a comeback - ....on a new wrestler dressed like the "old" Kane - Hmm, didn't see that coming. - And for good reason really - Evil twin gimmick, I like it - In a "Are they that desperate for ideas?" kinda way - And where the hell'd Benjamin go? - Anyway, Kane chokeslams Kane - Commercials - The 4400 - Which is a series about every person who bought the last TNA PPV - Times 2 - Coach with Carlito - Coach looking for HHH - Has he checked Mickie's dressing room? - Or any random Diva - Coach asks the Cuban guy - Cuban guy don't know nothing - Viscera, in a scene reminiscent of Oz pushes the Cuban guy up against the wall from behind and threatens him - HHH with Vince - Vince says there'll be all 5 SS members in or around the ring during his match - Vince seems pleased - Commercials - So does playing the Spawn of Satan mess a kid up for life or not? Just curious - Heyman/Foley face off later - So they'll get each other's faces? And somehow the same body - Big Vis out - "World's largest love machine" - Gets attacked from behind by Unfufu - Why the long face Lillian? - Ahahahahaha - Yes, lame I know - Umaga kicked his ass - Umaga has gold teeth, or so it seems - Why that would be I have no idea - Oh, they're in Seattle tonite, which explains why they crowd is literally crying whenever the bad guys win - More pimping of Kane's movie - Torrie, Trish, and some chick backstage, just kinda milling around - I guess Torrie's dog crapped in the wrong person's gym bag. Cuz she's carrying around a stuffed animal now - Raw from Pittsburgh next week - Commercials - Lovitz rules - Me being on the toilet causes me to miss the start of the ladies match. Oh no!! - Stink face by Torrie - I'd smell it - A scroll at the bottom says ECW will be on the Sci-Fi channel - It was probably that or that new gay channel - It doesn't really make any sense, but whatever - Mickie looks to have a herpes sore on her lip - Cena vs. a mystery opponent next - Commercials - "Ransom", now for black people! - Even with requisite "GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!" type line - More Memorial Day stuff - Me-more-ial Day? - Ugh - King runs down ECW - Oh good, RVD on commentary - Cena's mystery opponent is.... - Johnny Nitro, w/ Melina - Who, legend tells, are hated by everyone in the Smackdown locker-room, so this makes sense - RVD not doing too badly on commentary - They need to make it more comfortable for him, no more big promos in the ring - Seattle loves Cena - Sucky is as sucky does I suppose - Cena wins, but maybe Nitro can work being an a-hole to everyone into a nice singles push. Especially since Melina came with him - RVD gets attacked by Nitro, for whatever reason. Cena gloats as we go to.... - Commercials - KIA claims 25 mpg is "fuel efficient" - So what's the big gas problem? Most cars get that kind of mileage - WWE Rewind - Foley/Edge and Dreamer/Funk melee is rewound - Podiums set up in the ring for the "face off" - And what faces they are - Okay, they're in Tacoma, Washington. Close enough - Foley calls Vince a "Billion Dollar Pimp" - I can see the T-Shirts already - Starting the ECW storyline on the west coast is not smart. ECW never did shows on the west coast so the crowd doesn't know Tommy Dreamer from Tommy Smyth the Irsish soccer commentato. - Luckily they'll be in Pittsburgh next week. Not just because they'll be out of Washington, but because ECW did tons of shows here. - Heyman calls Foley a Terry Funk rip-off - Some good stuff about Heyman and ECW's faults from Foley - Heyman gets 2 draft picks from Raw and Smackdown for the ECW brand - Foley guesses RVD to be the pick from Raw - Heyman doesn't deny it, I guess RVD is it - Kurt Angle is the pick from Smackdown? - I guess they just want him to die in the ring - He's not in very good shape - I mean he's ripped and all, but his neck is held together with scotch tape and Elmer's Glue - So wait, what happened to the whole "I got ripped on at your show so I hate ECW" storyline Angle had going? - Oh right, 5th concussion the memory goes - Commercials - I reiterate my hatred for anti-tobacco ads - Although I guess they work, smoking's down a lot supposedly - Which just means more idiots in the world to put up with - This Week in Wrestling History - Andre the Giant made his North American debut - And they segue to Big Show's entrance - Either trying to evoke memories of Andre through Show, or trying to make him look bad by comparison - Edge w/ Lita comes to the ring - Lita dressed as Nadine, your slutty but a little bit hot waitress - Getting slapped like that by Show can't feel good - Show dominates - Until Lita distracts - Show dominates after that even - Nice Tornado DDT by Edge - Ref gets knocked down - Go figure, that never happens - Low blow by Lita - Chair used by Edge - Edge wins - Edge is the #1 contender for Vengeance - If it's still Cena the PPV buys will rival " - Yet more "See No Evil" stuff - Everyone kayfabing it up - Kayfabe being a fancy word for "Acting like Kane is a real guy" - "And looking stupid doing it most of the time" - Commercials - Freedomland - "Yes I hope they lose their freedom, and I hope they burn in heeal!!!!" - Smackdown Rebound - Lashley beats JBL for the US Title - He can work as a top draw in a Mike Tyson-y kind of way - Rey beats JBL - JBL is gone from Smackdown. - I guess they're setting up for Smackdown to be kicked off the new WB/UPN hybrid network considering 2 of their top guys are now gone - HHH and Vince kibitz backstage - Commercials - Not to retread on the 4400, but isn't it basically the same plot as the X-Men? - Speaking of which, X-Men made over $100 million (?!) this weekend - Shows what adding Fraiser Crane as a mutant will do - In X-Men 4 Wolverine will be played by Ray Romano - It's gonna be HHH vs. 20 year old Kenny next. But to be honest I'm sure it won't be anything groundbreaking, and I have to go to Wal-Mart. So I'll leave you here - I'll venture a guess and say that HHH wins despite adversity - And takes out all 5 SS guys - That's it