SI has issued its annual listing of the highest earning athletes from the previous year. Now you may be thinking "Holy hell, how can these people sleep at night making 1000 times more than me for playing a kids game and pretending that they like Gatorade?" Well, as Rainier Wolfcastle once opined, they sleep "on top of a pile of money, with many beautiful women". Hey, if your business made as much money as the NBA, NFL, MLB, and even the PGA do you'd be getting paid insane amounts of money too. You lazy jerks. Anyway, here are the top 25 highest earners from the past year, complete with their earnings and snarky comments by me.

25. Jason Kidd
 

Base Salary/Compensation: $18,084,000
Endorsements: $1,500,000

Somewhere Joumana Kidd is on her knees thanking God that she and Jason ran into each other at that Cal kegger more than a decade ago. At least I'm assuming that's how the soon to be ex-Mrs. Jason Kidd met her meal ticke..... husband. All I know is that half of $19,584,000 can buy an awful lot of tracking devices and Prozac. Look for Kidd to be dealt by the Nets sometime in the near future, most likely to the Knicks for a 1st round pick and Eddie Curry. (That's a joke, some people may not be able to tell the difference by now with Isaiah)

 

24. Michael Vick

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $13,000,000
Endorsements: $7,000,000

Expect that second figure to go down juuuuuust a tad next year if things don't start turning around for Mr. Vick. Hell, if things get any worse you'll see Pac Man Jones shilling for McDonalds before you see Vick in a commercial (Maybe he can make it McFlurry?).

23. Vince Carter

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $15,101,625
Endorsements: $5,000,000

 

Things have been really looking up for Vince since he's been getting paid in US dollars. And of course he also has his degree from UNC to fall back on should he go nuts and lose all his money investing in satellite radio stock.

 

22. Michelle Wie

 

Base Salary/Compensation: $735,224
Endorsements: $19,500,000

 
The first example of the "If you're smart you'll buy your kid(s) golf clubs" phenomenon. Forget the fact that she's making that much in endorsements and I can't tell you a single thing she endorses..... look at how much a golfer who doesn't even play in every tourney and doesn't make a single cut earns. I'm sure somehow the exemptions she gets to appear in tourneys is factored in somehow, but holy crap either way

 

21. Floyd Mayweather Jr.

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $20,000,000
Endorsements: $250,000

 
Got paid $20,000,000 for one fight and got to punch the guy paying him the money in the face the entire time. What a great way to make a living. His endorsements would have been lower but he was paid $100,000 by "Loco Philippe's Casa De Sombreros" to wear their apparel to the ring

 

20. Manny Ramirez

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $18,000,000
Endorsements: $2,500,000

 

With all the money he's making and his fairly eccentric personality I'm going to guess now that Manny's retirement years are going to be a something like a Howard Hughes and/or Michael Jackson. You know, without all the pedophilia and homosexuality. Or maybe with it, he'll have enough money

 

19. Michael Finley

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $20,154,625
Endorsements: $500,000

 
Hey, who does San Antonio pay more money to; the guy who's led them to 3 (soon to be 4) titles and is the preeminent power forward of his generation in his prime? Or their 7th man? If you said the latter you're very good. Michael Finley makes roughly $1,000,000 per minute played per game.

 

18. Tim Duncan

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $17,429,672
Endorsements: $3,500,000

 
Speaking of Mr. Underpaid, he does make more money overall than Michael Finley. This is due to his lucrative endorsement deal with the generic cereals on the bottom shelves in grocery stores. Mmmmm, plain white rice puffs.

 

17. Jason Giambi

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $21,500,000
Endorsements: $500,000

 
The first signing in the Yankees wildly successful "Let's throw way too much money at the best free agent every off-season, and then also take on other teams' huge salaries along the way too" strategy they've employed since 2002. The final 2 years of his contract (approx. $50 million) could be voided by the Yankees due to his recent pseudo-admission of steroid use. For $50 million you'd think he'd be able to find someone who'd surgically remove his voice-box. Or have someone follow him around and say "He jost kidding!" after everything he says like that one Fred Armisen SNL character

 

16. Jeff Gordon

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $7,471,444
Endorsements: $15,000,000
 

You'd think that the fact that every square inch of their clothing and cars are covered in ads would mean that NASCAR Drivers would make more than $15,000,000 in endorsements. If I'm gonna be called the "Rainbow Warrior" I want at least $10,000,000 for that alone. No word on how much of his money is made on deposits of beer cans that are thrown at him during any given race.

 
15. Roger Clemens

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $19,000,000
Endorsements: $3,500,000

 
Clemens' salary before prorating was $28,000,022, the final 22 is thrown in because it is his uniform number. He is very symbolic; every one of his children's names begins with K, which for some reason stands for strikeout. He wanted to have 20 children to symbolize the highest number of strikeouts he's had in a game, but his wife threatened to cut his "Little Rocket" off before that ever happened.

 

14. Barry Bonds

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $20,800,000
Endorsements: $2,000,000

 
"Now, who can we get to endorse our product? We need someone everyone hates, with scandal surrounding him at every turn, an attitude sure to give our advertising department nightmares, someone that'll be sure to give our product a bad name. I know! Barry Bonds is our man"

 

"Great idea Bizarro Warren Buffett. Should I call Mark Cuban about that football league idea you've been kicking around too?"

 

"Sure, why not?"

At least I'm assuming that's how anyone can explain how he makes any money in endorsements.

 

13. Tracy McGrady

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $16,901,500
Endorsements: $6,000,000

 
According to SI Tracy loves lasagna. So he's like Garfield in the sense that they both have a love of lasagna, big lazy looking eyes, make more money than 70% of the population every time they fart, and have both won the exact same numbers of playoff series. And I'm pretty sure McGrady likes to kick dogs off of tables too, which would make him better than his teammate Yao who likes to eat..... ah nevermind.

 

12. Peyton Manning

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $10,000,000
Endorsements: $13,000,000

 
But he'd give it all up for a Super Bowl ring. Oh wait, that happened..... okay he'd give it all up for 5 minutes of his face in Adriana Lima's breasts.

 

11. Allen Iverson

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $17,184,375
Endorsements: $7,000,000

 
All the money AI's made will come in handy when he needs a bionic body after the beating he's taken over the years. Considering inflation he'll be "The Roughly $56,984,354 Man"

 

10. Dale Earnhardt Jr.

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $7,111,735
Endorsements: $20,000,000

 
He puts the Earn in Earnhardt. And the Dale in OverexposedDale. Also, if his name was Gus Witworth or something besides Most Famous NASCAR Driver Ever Jr I think his earning potential might be a bit lower. But hey, what do I know about NASCAR?

 

9. Alex Rodriguez

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $22,000,000
Endorsements: $6,000,000

 
Most of A-Rod's salary stems from the fact that he gets a nickel every time ESPN or some media outlet runs a stupid innocuous story about him. This latest "yelling" incident involving the Blue Jays made him at least $4,500,000 more yesterday alone.

 

8. Derek Jeter

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $22,000,000
Endorsements: $7,000,000

 

So wait, all that fuss was made about A-Rod getting a contract for $252 million, and yet Jeter makes just as much per season even though A-Rod's clearly the better player? And he gets no grief at all jut cuz he won some titles 7 years ago? So this means that Manu Ginobli is a better player than Kevin Garnett is? All this and Jeter gets to bang everything with legs in New York City, fuck Jeter.

 

7. Kevin Garnett

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $21,000,000
Endorsements: $8,000,000

 
Making $8,000,000 in endorsements in Minnesota is like making $250,000,000 in endorsements in a real city. His Q rating must be through the roof.

 

6. LeBron James

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $5,828,089
Endorsements: $25,000,000

 
After that game last night I almost kind of wish there was a tip jar by the Cav's bench, just so if you wanted to you could kick in $2 just to say "Hey thanks for being so damn entertaining LeBron". You know, like when the pizza guy delivers your pizza in 20 mins. rather than 25. Of course you'd have to smack away the hands of LeBron's crappy teammates, so I guess he'll just have to do with the $30+ million he already makes.

 

5. Kobe Bryant

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $17,718,750
Endorsements: $16,000,000

 
Went from virtually untouchable 2 years ago to making $16,000,000 in endorsements, and all it took was being the best player in the NBA for 2 straight seasons. If Michael Vick is still reeling from dog fighting charges 2 years from now we'll know that people think more of dogs than crazy white broads.

 

4. Shaq

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $20,000,000
Endorsements: $15,000,000

 
It didn't say how much of Shaq's money was earned from the special 10th anniversary Kazaam DVD's they released last year. This version has director's commentary where he just says over and over again "What the hell was I thinking?" for an hour and a half.

 

3. Phil Mickelson

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $4,256,505
Endorsements: $47,000,000

 
Here's where it starts getting a tad ridiculous. Phil made $10 million more in endorsements than athletes 4-25 made in salary and endorsements. Quick, what's one thing Phil Mickelson endorses? Can't think of one can you? I can't, and I'm trying to find something on the internet. I'm not finding anything, I guess Nike clubs off the top of my head? I really don't know. And I watch a lot of TV too, it's mind boggling really. $47 million? Really? Seriously? Oh well, they wouldn't pay him that much if they couldn't afford it.

 

2. Oscar De La Hoya

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $53,000,000
Endorsements: $2,000,000

 
If I were Oscar De La Hoya, and I had my own production company for my fights meaning I'd make all the PPV money from said fights, I'd make it a point to put on a PPV boxing match every week. And I'd only fight people who pissed me off.

 

De La Hoya v. Dustin Diamond (aka Screech)

 

De La Hoya v. The Guy at the Tire place Who Overcharged Me

 

De La Hoya v. That Girl at the Bar who Laughed at my Car.

 

I'd be the highest paid athlete x10

 

1. Tiger Woods

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $11,941,827
Endorsements: $100,000,000

 
The only compensation I take from this is that Tiger seems like the type that won't enjoy his money. One of those "Wait, my kid's how old?" types. Of course, $1 billion can buy enough look-a-likes to satiate the kid for at least 7 years. That's why Saddam used to have all those look-a-likes, not because he was afraid of assassination, but because he loved his children.

 

Well the lessons learned from this are as follows

 
- If you play golf - Be good at it. Or failing that, be likeable. Or failing that be an attractive female.

 
- If you play basketball - Thank the money gods that Nike, Reebok, Adidas, et al can sell shoes they assemble for $10 for $150.

 
- If you play baseball - Play for the Yankees.

 
- If you play football - Endorse anything cuz you get paid crap. Relatively speaking of course.

 
- If you play hockey - You're either an idiot or Canadian. Redundant?

 
- If you're a boxer - Do it yourself.

 
- If you can't do any of these things - Be the owner of a team and/or head of a major corporation. Those guys must be fuckin' loaded.

 
Join us next week for the 25 lowest paid athletes, including a practice squad running back from the Packers, a low Class A minor league baseball player, and the highest paid player in the NHL. And yes, they all make more than you do too.