SILLY LIMERICKS

 

 

"Right here, ya stinkin' wimp!"

 

 

I'm The Sports Leprechaun, so take note:

If you've never read nothin' I wrote

Then you'll dress in bright pink

And your gonads will shrink

-And you'll probably smell like a goat

 

 

 

 

 

"Red Flags:  A Midsummer Night's Recreation"

 

 

 

 

 

In a softball league, Gerald McFleer

Led things off with his head fully clear

And as quick as could be

He went down 1-2-3

And yelled "Somebody get me a beer!"

 

 

 

In the dugout, away from the fans

Big McFleer forged ahead with his plans:

"Gonna have me some fun.

Shoot, the game's just begun!"

Then he chugged five consecutive cans

 

 

 

When a mate told him "Lay off the beer"

Gerald gave him a slap on the rear

"Aw, come on, it's alright.

It's freakin' Tuesday night-

The weekend is practically here!"

 

 

 

But the boys found his act hard to swallow:

Conduct poor, then apologies hollow

And right there at the scene,

Half the team intervened

And thus was the discourse that followed:

 

 

 

"Really, Gerald, we're tired of this junk.

Every week, you behave like a punk"

"Listen, guys, let me slide.

I'm alright- and besides,

I play better ball when I'm drunk!"

 

 

 

And with that, he was back up to swat

With his bat (which he nearly forgot)

And with laughs, the crowd shivered

For with no pitch delivered

He yelled, "Hey, chump!  Is that all you got?"

 

 

 

But the pitcher was not as amused

By this loudmouth so thoroughly boozed

With his knee kicked up high,

He reared back and let fly,

And in for strike one the ball cruised

 

 

 

The next pitch came, and by him it blew.

Said McFleer: "Screw this, man, I am THROUGH!"

And he threw down his hat

(Which he beat with the bat)

Said the Umpire: "That's only strike two."

 

 

 

But the Ump called the next one "strike three",

Though McFleer didn't seem to agree.

And he took him to task

As he peered through his mask:

And said, "You think you're better than me?"

 

 

 

After calling the Umpire a whale

And predicting he'd break any scale

He returned to the bench

With a craving to quench

And he drank up another few ales

 

 

 

Since to logic, this man wouldn't yield,

In their chats, his mates' thoughts were revealed

"That McFleer's such a waste!

Glad our league has DH,

'Cuz no WAY could he play in the field!"

 

 

 

But McFleer was a loveable lunk

And his teammates were charmed by his spunk

And they giggled for days

When he dropped his catch phrase:

"I play better ball when I'm drunk!"

 

 

 

Next time up, he showed no signs of grace

Whilst he wobbled all over the place

With a sway and a twitch,

He was hit by a pitch

And he shuffled his way to third base

 

 

 

But the faux pas was quickly corrected

And to first was McFleer redirected

But reactions were slow

To a quick pick-off throw

And his rage nearly got him ejected

 

 

 

After throwing himself on the ground

"I'M NOT OUT!" he screamed, rolling around

Then he "moonbeamed" his cheeks

For what seemed like two weeks

And relieved himself out on the mound

 

 

 

By some godsend, the Umpire refrained

(Most folks thought him to be entertained)

So McFleer rode the pine

And to help pass the time,

Down his throat, four more beers he did drain

 

 

 

When his team could afford not a gaffe

All tied up in the ninth, bottom half

Trying hard to see straight,

Gerald trudged to the plate

While the other squad had a good laugh

 

 

 

And they danced and high-fived one another

"This pressure's too much- he'll be smothered!

He's got legs of cement!

See you guys in the tenth!"

Said McFleer:  "Oh yeah?  ...Your mother!"

 

 

 

While the bad guys continued to snicker

Our young hero continued to bicker

"You want a piece of me?

Step on up and you'll see-

'Cuz guess what!  I can handle my liquor!"

 

 

 

Right on cue, McFleer's nausea commenced

And he retched with a spasm immense

But the jolt jerked the bat

And it met a pitch flat

AND THE BALL TRAVELED OVER THE FENCE!!!

 

 

 

Gerald's lopsided swing saved the day!

'Round the diamond, he staggered away!

And he screamed from home base

(As he fell on his face)

"See?  I drunk better ball when I'm play!"

 

 

 

 

 

"Maybe Next Time: The Exact Price Of Beauty"

 

 

 

A phenomenal sprinter named Eve

Pulled a move that was hard to believe

She withdrew when it rained

And then later explained

"I just paid sixty bucks for this weave!"

 

 

"Run in the rain?  Oh, HELL no!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Insectinside: A Story Of Perserverence On The Drag Strip"

 

 

 

When the shield on the helmet of Keith

Didn't cover his face underneath,

He would race quarter miles

With a dirty brown smile

From the bugs that slammed into his teeth

 

 

 

But he proved there was no biker greater

When he won the points race in Decatur

They screamed, "Keith, you da man!"

And he waved to his fans

As he calmly gulped down a cicada

 

 

Q:  What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when he hits your windshield?

 

A:  His asshole

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Get Bent"

 

 

 

With his wife and her massive fake knockers,

David Beckham arrived like a rocker,

But the magic went dead

From "excitement" force-fed

Because, "Whatever, dude."  It's still soccer.

(Yawn)

 

 

 

 

Overhyped

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disproportionate

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Never Enough: The Objectionable Consequences Of Unsuppressed Monetary Voracity"

 

 

 

When the bidding for A-Rod was done

George's Yanks had to part with a ton

Eighty million per year!

Then a voice in their ear

Said, "I need eighty million and one!"

 

 

 

There was little the Yankees could do

He would bolt if they didn't come through!

So they gave him his pay

And it caused him to say

"I require eighty million and two!"

 

 

 

In a heartbeat the team did agree:

"What's a dollar on such a large fee?"

But the greedy pig squealed

When they inked his new deal:

(Well, you know the rest...)

 

 

 

And so on,

 

 

 

And so forth,

 

 

 

Et cetera,

 

 

 

Et cetera,

 

 

 

Ad infinitum.

 

"How dare you judge me!  I have to eat, too!"

 

 

 

"The Cessation Of Kournikova" AKA: "How It Really Went Down"

 

 

 

Said Ms. Anna: "I'm calling it quits,

For I'm now at the end of my wits.

I'm ranked two hundred ten,

And those damn horny men

Pack the stands and yell, "Show us your tits!"

 

 

  "I just don't understand!  Why do men see me as a sex symbol?"

 

 

 

 

"Pushing Through The Wrong Boundaries:  Inversion Of The Performance Enhancement Curve"

 

 

 

Rupert Jones, with his cycling fixation

Was the victim of misinformation

To perform like the stars,

He ate 10 PowerBars,

And his bowels met with cruel constipation

 

 

 

On the bowl, he resolved to exert

But a splashdown, he couldn't convert

He recited a prayer

For he feared he would tear

Then said, "MAN, is this going to hurt"

 

 

 

With his colon unbearably full,

Rupert's pain rose to searing from dull

And his clothes became drenched

As he squeezed and he clenched

Till his eyeballs popped out of his skull

 

 

 

After placing them back in their sockets

He clutched hard on his grandmother's locket

With a grunt like a beast

All the pressure released

And he shot from the pot like a rocket!

 

 

 

The event caused a sound like a gun

And our man, through the atmosphere, spun

With his dump now complete,

And his pants at his feet,

Rupert Jones, he flew into the sun.

 

 

 

Back at home, Rupert's wife, in a rush

Stormed the bathroom to put on some blush

Unaware of his fate

She said, "Oh, that's just great-

Once again, you've forgotten to flush!

...Rupert?"

 

 

 

Feeling a little too regular?  Try a PowerBar!

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"

 

Bonjour, mes amis!  Comment ca va?  J'espere que TOUT et parfait!

 

 

Et moi?  J'ai magnifique, merci!  (Mais bien sur, non?) 

 

 

 

And why should I not be magnificent?  For a field trip like no other is upon us (that, of course, means inside voices- and no pushing!). 

 

 

Today on The Sports Intellectual, we shall view firsthand the underpinnings of big-time sports negotiation whilst we visit the office of 

 

 

 

Superagent J.J. Silvertung

 

 

as he consults with the newest athlete in his stable. 

 

 

 

(ATHLETE DUMBO SWENSON ARRIVES AT THE OFFICE, WHERE HE IS GREETED WARMLY BY J.J. SILVERTUNG, A SLICK-TALKING SPORTS AGENT DRESSED FROM HEAD-TO-TOE IN TRADITIONAL PIMP ATTIRE)

 

 

J.J. SILVERTUNG:  Dumbo, baby!  Welcome to Silvertung Enterprises.  Come on in, make yourself comfortable.  How's my main man?  You ready to make some money, baby?

 

 

DUMBO SWENSON:  Aw, gee, Mr. Silvertung, I sure as heck am!

 

 

SILVERTUNG:  Damn right, baby!  You're not the pride of Sheboygan, Wisconsin for nothing!  I got some serious deals in the hopper for you, kid.  SERIOUS!  We're talking free hand soap, pencils with your name on them, a coffee mug with your name on it, Internet foot fetish videos, the whole 9 meters!  And you know what I always say don't you?  "Why go the whole 9 yards when you can go the whole 9 meters?"  You see, a meter is like, 3 inches longer than a yard.  But hey, that's just how we roll here at J.J. Silvertung.  We go that extra 3 inches for you, our most valuable pigeon.  Client!  I meant to say client!  Shoot, I barely even know what a pigeon is heh heh heh...  You're my guy, kid.  You're my guy!  And after I get my standard 60% cut, you're gonna be rich beyond your wettest dreams!  So, do you have any questions about the company?

 

 

DUMBO:  Well I was just wondering... Why is your office in the back of an empty delivery truck in an abandoned building?

 

 

SILVERTUNG:  Oh, it's no big thing, kid.  We're just doing some remodeling up in the penthouse.  You know how it is.

DUMBO:  If you say so, Mr. Silvertung.

 

 

SILVERTUNG:  OK then, let's get to it!  Now, the main two teams that are interested in you are New York and Los Angeles.  We're talking big markets here, kid.  BIG!  So as any responsible agent would do, I made you a detailed breakdown of what each area has to offer.  Check this out: 

 

 

 

In New York:  Drivers roll down their windows and openly curse at each other

 

In LA:  Drivers hide behind tinted windows and beep their horns like sissies

 

 

 

In New York:  The former Mayor cheated on his wife

 

In LA:  The current Mayor is cheating on his wife

 

 

 

 

 

In New York:  People wear ugly puffy boots when it snows

 

In LA:  People wear ugly puffy boots...

 

 

 

In New York:  Most are still struggling with the events of 9/11

 

In LA:  Most are still struggling with the concept that a world exists outside of LA

 

 

 

In New York:  Everyone is absorbed into a disorderly mishmash of culture

 

In LA:  Everyone is self-absorbed

 

 

 

 

In New York:  Having a typical slice of pizza is like subjecting your colon to a science experiment

 

In LA:  Having been shrunken down by humans over the years, the typical pet dog is the result of a science experiment

 

 

 

 

 

In New York:  Fans cry like menstrual women and demand that trades be made

 

In LA:  Players cry like menstrual women and demand that trades be made

 

 

 

 

In New York:  Homeless people consume half-eaten tuna sandwiches out of garbage cans

 

In LA:  A homeless woman turns down a tuna sandwich because she's a vegan (true story)

 

 

 

In New York:  The place is overrun by rats

 

In LA:  The place is overrun by Mexicans

 

 

 

 

In New York:  Alex Rodriguez is your star baseball player

 

In LA:  Alex Rodriguez is your gardener

 

 

 

In New York:  The city's largest prostitution ring is run by the Mafia

 

In LA:  The city's largest prostitution ring is the entertainment industry

 

 

 

In New York:  Prostitutes give you attitude when you don't pay attention to them

 

In LA:  Women go out of their way for 3 hours to look like prostitutes, then give you attitude when you do pay attention to them

 

 

 

 

In New York:  Chances are, at some point you'll be run over by a cab driver

 

In LA:  Chances are, at some point you'll be run over by Lindsay Lohan

 

 

 

In New York:  The inept Isiah Thomas is likely to receive a contract extension

 

In LA:  The girl immediately to your left is likely to have hair extensions

 

 

 

 

In New York:  The BoSox cause your face to contort in a frightening manner

 

In LA:  Botox causes you face to contort in a frightening manner

 

 

 

 

In New York:  The city's most famous baseball team is from the Bronx

 

In LA:  The city's most famous baseball team is from Brooklyn

 

 

 

In New York:  People do whatever they want with no regard for what other people think

 

In LA:  People wait for something to be declared the trendy "it" thing before they'll even consider doing it

 

 

 

 

In New York:  Everyone looks different, but has the same attitude

 

In LA:  Everyone tries so hard to be hip and edgy that they all end up looking the same

 

 

 

 

In New York:  People resort to name-calling in order to feel better about their crappy lives

 

In LA:  People resort to name-dropping in order to feel better about their crappy lives

 

 

 

 

In New York:  Buildings are high

 

In LA:  Celebrities are high

 

 

 

 

 

 

In LA:  No one speaks English

 

In New York:  No one speaks English

 

 

 

In LA:  African bees have mated with local bee populations and made them more aggressive

 

In New York:  Local populations have rubbed off on African immigrants and made them more aggressive

 

 

 

 

In LA:  You breathe in smog

 

In New York:  You breathe in other people's B.O.

  

 

 

 

In LA:  Listening to the wrong advice can be career suicide

 

In New York:  Listening to spiteful women with Brooklyn accents makes you suicidal

 

 

 

In LA:  People push their children into acting

 

In New York:  People push each other into traffic

 

 

 

 

SILVERTUNG:  (TAKES DEEP BREATH AND SIGHS) "So what do you think, kid?"

DUMBO:  (TERRIFIED) "I'm not sure...  Is there any way I can play in Kansas City?"

 

 

 

 

Au Revoir!

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"

NOSTRADUMBASS

 

In the future...

 

 

 

-After successfully eluding authorities for years while he pumped himself full of undetectable, cutting-edge steroids, Barry Bonds will be excluded from the Hall of Fame when he is caught betting on baseball.  He will make no apologies and blame a media witch hunt for his gambling addiction.

 

 

 

-Carlos Zambrano will turn down a lucrative deal to become a boxer.  He will offer the following explanation:  "I am Zambrano!  I fight only my teammates!"

 

 

 

-In the wake of another final-hole meltdown at a major championship, Phil Mickelson will begin playing right-handed.

 

 

 

-Pat Riley will step down again as coach of the Miami Heat.  In his absence, the team will play its' way to a 3-0 series lead in the NBA finals, at which point Riley will re-assume control of the team, coach them to a victory in game 4, and take all credit for winning the championship.

 

 

 

-Citing her years of practice with a phallus in her mouth, Paris Hilton will enter next year's 4th of July hot dog eating contest on Coney Island.  Experts will consider her the early favorite.

 

 

 

-In a straight-up trade, Timberwolves star Kevin Garnett will be dealt to the Lakers in exchange for Kobe Bryant.  Both franchises will remain mediocre and championshipless (in case you're keeping score, "championshipless" is a brand new word).   HOWEVER...The trade will cause a role reversal of sorts as Kobe settles into a quiet, stable existence while the insidious effect of the Los Angeles transforms Garnett into a whiny bitch who publicly trashes team management and demands a trade every other day.

 

 

 

 

 -Claiming that the hitting was too rough, the Oakland Raiders will withdraw from a regular-season NFL game.

 

 

-Upon finding herself 10 strokes behind a special needs child, Michelle Wie will withdraw from a recreational round of putt-putt golf.

 

 

-Ichiro Suzuki will take advantage of a rules change and hit Major League Baseball's first solo inside-the-park grand slam by rounding the bases 4 times before a throw can be made to home plate.

 

-Dale Earnhardt Jr. will become involved in a sexual relationship with his stepmother and return to DEI Racing.

 

-A giant Slim Jim will file a discrimination suit against the Milwaukee Brewers after being denied entrance into the sixth-inning sausage races at Miller Park. 

 

 

-The phrase "I'm out like Greg Oden's tonsils" will become popular among America's teenagers.

 

 

 

-The popularity of the Internet will  decline drastically following the release of a Charlie Weis sex tape.

 

 

 

-To honor him for being the only person who posts there, the area for NHL blogs will officially be re-named the "Spector Section" by Fox Sports.

 

 

 

-Angry about being snubbed from the MLB All-Star game, Jimmy Rollins will get even by throwing a lavish party and inviting no one.

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"

Sportiferous Ones,

 

 

 

Those of you who enjoy sports comedy at its worst understand the following:  Like Sun and Season, The Sports Intellectual is wont to evanesce from time to time.  It is his nature.

 

But the Gods are glorious, and it is their will that the natural cycle of recession and vivification should substantiate itself within the world of blogs. 

 

 

 

And it has been too long.  TOO LONG, I SAY!!!     

 

 

 

Fortuitously (as you have undoubtedly observed by now), TSI remains every bit the grandiloquent scribe you remember him to be.

 

 

 

So let us dispense post-haste with these liturgical niceties, for we have business to which we must attend- and a blogger to whom we must pay homage.

 

 

 

 

 

Please follow, if you will...

 

 

 

 

At the dawn of time in a land called http://community.foxsports.com/blogs/, there emerged from the primordial ooze an eccentric blogger whose flair for the visual brought a bizarre, yet undeniable artistry to a nascent site whose landscape was ripe for a fresh personality. 

 

By his own admission, he scoured the far reaches of the Internet, searching for the perfect images to punch up his offerings. 

 

Among the many who were entertained by his efforts was an impressionable, but computer-illiterate young blogger who emailed him personally in hopes of learning the then-unknown secret of picture posting (copy and paste lol).  He was kind enough to share his expertise, and the rest is history.

 

 

 

To celebrate this momentous exchange, I shall now blog in the style of the one and only Carnac!  May he soon return from Blogger Heaven.

 

It's a little piece I like to call...

"Internet Mating Service" 

WHAT'S THIS?

JEREMY WARINER-  FUTURE 400M WR HOLDER

(HONKUS ACCELERATUS)

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

LITTLE "E"

(DEIUS EXODUS)

WITH THIS:

THE "DUDE, YOU'RE GETTING A DELL" GUY

(PENIS ANNOYUS)

WHAT'S THIS?

LISA LESLIE-  3X OLYMPIC BASKETBALL CHAMP

(ELONGATUS AFRICANUS)

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

BRANDY

(HOMICIDIS VEHICULUS)

WITH THIS:

STRETCHING MACHINE

(INVERTIS ANTIGRAVITUS)

WHAT'S THIS?

CHARLIE WEIS-  WELL-INSULATED COACH

(CALORICUS INFINITUS)

 

 

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

JOHN CANDY

(CORPUS ENORMOUS)

 

 

WITH THIS:

 

PYGMY HIPPO

(HEXAPROTODON LIBERIENSIS)

WHAT'S THIS?

JOHN MCENROE-  EX JOCK PRONE TO ACTING OUT

(TENNIS INTERRUPTUS)

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

RICHARD SIMMONS

(FLAMUS ETERNUS)

WITH THIS:

CRYING BABY (THEY CAN SENSE EVIL)

(INFANTUS TEMPERTANTRUS)

WHAT'S THIS?

JAMIE NIETO-  U.S. HIGH JUMPER

(AMPHIBIOUS ELEVATUS)

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

WILL SMITH

(SELLOUTICUS MAINSTREAMUS)

WITH THIS:

HUMAN CLONING MACHINE

(CHROMOSOMUS XEROXUS)

WHAT'S THIS?

MIKE GREENBERG-  EFEMENATE RADIO GUY

(BOGUS HETEROUS)

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

TOBEY MAGUIRE

(THESPIUS DIMINUTIS)

WITH THIS:

THE SAME HUMAN CLONING MACHINE

(CHROMOSOMUS XEROXUS)

WHAT'S THIS?

MONICA SELES

(GRIMACE HEINOUS)

 

 

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

UNATTRACTIVE FEMALE

(RESORTUS FINALIS)

WITH THIS:

AN UGLY STICK

(WOODUS NOLOOKGOODUS)

WHAT'S THIS?

PACMAN JONES-   STRIP CLUB CONNOISSEUR

(IGNORAMUS REPETITIOUS)

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

EXORBITANT AMOUNTS OF MONEY

WITH THIS:

SEVERE MENTAL RETARDATION

(PRESIDENTIUS CLUELESS)

WHAT'S THIS?

ANDY REID-  ALWAYS ON THE HOT SEAT

(MARTYRUS PHILADELPHIUS)

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

DICK BUTKUS-  HALL OF FAMER

(BUTKUS FEROCIOUS)

WITH THIS:

WILFORD BRIMLEY

(COMMERCIUS DIABETES)

 

 

 

OH, BY THE WAY-

WHAT'S THIS?

WILFORD BRIMLEY

(COMMERCIUS DIABETES)

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

WALRUS

(ODOBENUS ROSMARUS)

WITH THIS:

BUTTERBEAN

(MARSHMALLUS INFLATUS)

AAH, THE REID FAMILY TREE...

INTERESTING, BUT I DIGRESS...

WHAT'S THIS?

SCOTTIE PIPPEN

(PROTAGONIS SECONDARIUS)

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

PROBOSCIS MONKEY

(NASALIS LARVATUS)

WITH THIS:

HUMPTY HUMP

(RAPPUS EXTINCTUS)

WHAT'S THIS?

"WHO CARES- AT LEAST I COULD SAY I NAILED HER!"

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

AMANDA BEARD

(GODDESS AQUATICUS)

WITH THIS:

 

(COMEDICUS RIDICULOUS)

 

WHAT'S THIS?

"I DON'T KNOW, BUT AT LEAST I WOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY ANY CHILD SUPPORT"

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

(COMEDICUS RIDICULOUS)

WITH THIS:

OPRAH WINFREY-  POTENTIAL SUGAR MAMA

(MOGULIS MEDIUS)

BUT AGAIN, I DIGRESS...

WHAT'S THIS?

 

MIKE TYSON-  UNSTABLE FORMER PUGILIST

(SOCIOPATHICUS FELONIUS)

IT'S WHAT YOU GET BY MATING THIS:

 

ALCOHOL

(HYDROUS COURAGEOUS)

WITH THIS:

ANTIDEPRESSANTS

(SERATONUS STIMULATIS)

END.

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"

 

"Cantankerous Coot Castigates Cunning Con Man"

 

When a scalper approached Old Man Pickett

With an overpriced Super Bowl ticket

He said, "With those demands,

I won't take it off your hands,

But I will tell you where you can stick it!"

 

 

 

 

"Fall Of The Mighty: The Ubiquitous Presence Of Gravity"

 

 

When a proud bodbybuilder named Howe

Let his temple go soft like a cow

The excuse he deployed

Made him sound unemployed:

"I'm 'between competitions' right now"

 

 

 

 

"Hypocrisy Under The Eyes Of God: Foreboding Words To The Referees Of The NBA"

 

Please consider the message transmitted

When we dabble with sins unremitted

For the slightest of scowls

Earns a technical foul

Yet travelling is always permitted

 

 

   

"Go ahead, Mike.  Take those extra few steps.  You know I won't blow the whistle."

  

 

"Journey Into Obscurity:  The Ugly Side Of Capitalism"

   

Carolyn Davidson must have felt like a douche

Selling Nike the rights to her swoosh

For they gave her a pittance

Then told her, "Good riddance,

Vamouse, et fermez la bouche!"

_______________________________________________

_______________________________________________

 

"Evening With A Bulldog" AKA: "Turning Point On The Road To Lesbianism" AKA: "Homeliness, Thy Name Is Amelie"

   

 

Said Mauresmo, "This dress looks like hell!"

Fibbed her date, "No, my dear, you look swell!"

(For a fake smile he toiled

As his penis recoiled

Like a turtle inside of its' shell)

 

 

 

Amelie Mauresmo...   Yikes!!!

 

 

"Of Brains And Of Braun: A Struggle Between Natural Enemies"  

 

In danger of failing and edgy,

A slow-witted lineman named Reggie

Grabbed a nerd by the throat,

Said,  "Me need paper wrote"

And bequeathed him the deepest of wedgies

 

 

When the term paper left his prof gawking

She decided to give him a talking

"Come clean," she instructed

"String Theory Deconstructed?

A response to Stephen Hawking???"

 

 

"An Olympian Paradox:  The Advantages (And Disadvantages) Of Massive Television Exposure... And Of Being Flexible"

 

 

When a gymnast with fair locks of red

Touched her heels to the back of her head

She was piled to the breasts

With the mailed-in requests

From the suitors who asked her to wed

 

"Will you marry me?"

 

 

 

"The Many Faces Of Head Trauma"

 

 

Head On!  Apply directly to your forehead!

Head On!  Apply directly to your forehead!

"Nine concussions," the vet swore,

"But that ad pains me more"

Head On!  Apply directly to your forehead!

 

 

 

Worst... commercial... ever...

 

"Whatever It Takes:  The Fanatical Devotion Of The Athlete/Guru Relationship"  

 

A nutritionist known as the best

Was quite callous, but ne'er second-guessed

When jocks entered his venue

He gave them this menu:

Baby seal meat and Spotted Owl breast

  

 

 

 "Please don't eat us!"

 

 

"Darkness Falls:  A Calamitous Day On The Track"

     

A Kenyan track star named Kip Du

Ran the mile with a virulent flu

And with dry mouth agape

He did barf at the tape

Then collapsed in a pile of his poo

 

 

After suff'ring throughout the affair

He was stepped on by foes unaware

With a blush, they all spake:

"Please forgive our mistake,

But you looked like a shadow down there"

 

 

And Kip said with relief on his face

" 'Least I held on and withstood the chase"

But as soon as he grinned

An official stepped in:

"I'm afraid you were edged for first place"

 

 "You looked like a shadow down there"

 

"Off The Air" AKA: "Oh, Those Things We Never Talk About"  

 

Said the network exec to young Gene,

A would-be sportscaster from Queens

"I'm sorry my friend

But your name doesn't end

With a "berg" or a "stern" or a "stien"

"You're a good kid.  I vish I could help you."

   

 

"Taking Liberties:  A Limerick's Careless Syllable Scheme Resembles Its Subject"

 

A basketball riot evolved from a spat

And where were the cops?  Outside having a chat!

They were parked at a bar

Side-by-side in their cars

With one facing this way, and one facing that

 

 

(AUTHOR'S NOTE:  Couldn't find a good picture, but how often have you seen that image?)

 

 

 

"Mirror Image" AKA: "Are You My Daddy?"

  

With their draft pick, the Celtics woud cherish

Greg Oden, though his stats are not garish

And for them, he's "the one"

Because he looks like the illegitimate son

Of Celtics legend Robert Parish

 

  

Maury says: "In the Case of 19-year old Greg... Robert, you ARE the father"

 

 

"Southern Discomfort: A Rite Of Passage"

 

"Son, you stick that damn pig in the rear!"

Yelled the coach to a freshman named Grier,

"And don't cry fer yer mammy

'Cuz this here's Alabammy

And that's just how we haze 'em down here"

 

 

 

So you wanna be on the team, do ya?  Well, how bad do you want it?

 

"Not A Role Model?  Now There's An Understatement!" 

   

When a talented hoopster named Nero

Beat his wife and became a big zero

He said, "I wish to this day

It had been another way,

But you see, Ron Artest is my hero"

 

Definitely not a role model...

 

 

 

 

"Testicular Homicide:  When Egos Outgrow Muscles"

 

  

With a grunt and a thundrous boom

'Neath a leg press, a man met his doom

And each gent felt the sting

Of the "ping-ping-ping-ping"

As his nuts ricocheted 'round the room

 

 

Recipe for disaster?

 

 

"The Smell Of Ignorance" AKA: "A Recreational Athlete's Prolonged Cry For A Personal Coach"

 

Monte Patton, a bit of a schlep

Ate just beans for his marathon prep

And a scene oh-so vile

Went for 26 miles

As he loudly broke wind with each step

 

"Don't run behind me!"

 

 

 

"Too Close To The Heart: A Tale Of Abuse"

 

Sally Jo from the volleyball club

Wore an ill-fitting sports bra that rubbed

And she spiked and she bumped

And she dove and she jumped

And her and her nipples were ground into nubs

"Ouch!  Ouch!  Ouch!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Fin.

 

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"