This... is... Anagram Sports Jeopardy, the show that's dangerously close to being sued by the folks over at original Jeopardy!  And now here's your host,  Tacky Cheeseman!

Thank you, everybody!  I'm Tacky Cheeseman, and welcome again to the show that tests your sports knowledge in the form of answers containing scrambled names. The questions of course, are provided by you!  And heeeeeeeeere we go!

 

 

 

While his neurotic desire to have his body cryogenically frozen is well-documented, few are aware that this former batting champ also kept a mildew list in his desk drawer.

 

 

 

(Who is Ted Williams?)

 

 

 

 

 

After marrying two consecutive steroid users, then repeatedly testing positive for steroids herself, this disgraced track star now dates only ninja romeos.

 

 

 

 

(Who is Marion Jones?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If five members of this team committed crimes, but were deemed mentally unfit to stand trial, there would be a total of ten insane testes.

 

 

 

 

(Who are the Tennessee Titans?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although there is usually no shortage of news reports about this NCAA hoops coach getting a DUI or leaving a team high and dry after a single season, if you really want to know what he's up to, your best bet is to bug his bong.

 

         

 

 

 

(Who is Bob Huggins?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Canton-bound offensive lineman credits his enormous size to a dish his mother calls a pecan drool.

 

 

 

(Who is Orlando Pace?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After being quietly fired by ESPN for sexual harrassment, this former Kansas City Royal became a nerd's holy lord when a member of MENSA took over as president of his fan club.

 

 

 

(Who is Harold Reynolds?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Despite his stoic public persona, this vested coach moonlights as a wacky MC named Jester Slim.

 

 

         

 

(Who is Jim Tressel?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once a player signs a multi-million dollar contract with this team, he will no longer have to insert a roach plan to make his home life tolerable.

 

 

 

 

 

(Who are the Carolina Panthers?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anytime this QB-turned lame actor-turned announcer doesn't get a drink thrown in his face by a woman who's out of his league, he considers it a shrewd bar try. 

 

 

         

 

 

(Who is Terry Bradshaw?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This former Dodgers manager once bought an infomercial product called a salad motor, but later returned it when it began causing him stool drama.

 

 

 

 

 

(Who is Tom Lasorda?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Notre Dame legend, this individual is said to have impregnated hundreds of women in order to overcompensate for the neuter knock that plagued him as a youth.

 

 

 

 

 

(Who is Knute Rockne?)

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

 

 

 

Welcome again to The Sports Intellectual Report, your source for all the sports news the "real media" won't tell you.  I'm Rod Stiffington, and these are the X's and O's...

Still outraged by the dogfighting exploits of Michael Vick, PETA members have launched a new campaign to ensure that the fallen star receives no preferential treatment while in jail.  This latest wave of protesting was touched off by a document leaked from the Petersburg, Virginia Federal Correctional Institution, in which a plan is outlined to make Vick feel more at home by equipping his cell with a rape stand.  Although PETA maintains that doing so would be unfair to others, prison authorities have assured them that the only one who will truly derive enjoyment from the amenity will be Bulldozer, Vick's 280-pound future cellmate.

 

 

After going winless in their first 8 games, the Miami Dolphins have already declared the season "a mulligan" and created a new slogan for next year's squad:  

"Dolphins football.  Expect the worst, and if something different happens, cheer like hell!"

 

 

A similar slogan could probably apply to this year's Notre Dame football program.  However, their corpulent leader Charlie Weis does not appear to be worried.  And while certainly not the coaching genius some thought him to be, his ability to remain calm amid a sea of choppy waters is quickly becoming legendary.  During his weekly press conference on Monday, Weis simulaneously justified his 1-7 record and appeased Notre Dame's Catholic fan base by assuring everyone in attendance that the team's dismal performance is "all part of God's plan".

 

"I'm a divine failure!"

 

 

Ever the entrepreneur, Magic Johnson has announced his partnership in a venture to create a new chain of sports bars where scantily clad waitresses serve up hot wings and cold beer.  If it sounds familiar, it's because it is.  However, Johnson and his group will be putting a different twist on the idea by eschewing the temptation to employ women who are, shall we say, top-heavy, and instead hiring girls who are well-endowed someplace else.  And the name of the chain, you ask?  Cooters!  

 

 

And now for another TSI Advanced Copy Exclusive!  Alex Rodriguez will soon be in the news again, but not quite for the reasons he'd like.  In the upcoming sequel to his tell-all book "Juiced", Jose Canseco will reveal that early in his career, Rodriguez became consumed by the fact that certain fans took his metrosexual image as a sign that he was gay.  Mortified at the rumors, Rodriguez began wearing chaps to the ballpark in hopes of projecting a more manly appearance.  However, he later scrapped the idea when a fan pointed out that the chaps, in fact, made him look reeeally gay.

 

 

But don't feel bad for A-Rod, folks.  After uberagent Scott Boras discreetly disclosed that his client will opt out of his $25 million a year contract with the Yankees to search for greener pastures, he re-emerged just hours later to announce that in order to help potential employers offset some of cost of the obscene contract his superstar will demand, he brokered a 13-figure endorsement deal between A-Rod and the U.S. Federal Reserve.

 

 

And finally, in what may be the sporting world's ultimate display of selfishness, start and finish have filed lawsuits against each other to obtain the exclusive naming rights to what we currently know as the start/finish line.  Caught in the middle of the dispute are NASCAR drivers, whose most recent race has now entered its third consecutive day as they await a verdict.

A fight to the finish?

or to the start?

 

 

Thanks for watching The Sports Intellectual Report.  Tune in next week when we reveal that Joba Chamberlain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

looks like

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meat Loaf.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm Rod Stiffington, and that's the final buzzer.

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

 

"Beating A Dead Horse: An Old Joke The Author Never Gets Tired Of Making"

 

 

If Mr. Ed dies,

I've got a good replacement:

His name's John Elway

 

Look at those chompers!

 

 

 

"Re-Evaluation Of An Evaluation"

 

 

The 40-yard dash

Just how important is it?

(Rice: 4.7)

 

Good.

 

 

"Singing The Blues In A Blue Jacket: An Ode To Columbus's Pro Hockey Franchise"

Congratulations!

You're the sole NHL team

That's still playoff-free

 

Not good.

 

 

  

 

FROM WORSE TO WORSER:  A NEW FORM OF CHILD ABUSE

 

 

EPISODE  I

 

"You're Out! (Of Your Minds): A Scene From A Little League Baseball Game In Cincinnatti"

"Hey, batter!  Hey, bat-"

"STOP!  That's negative chatter!

You're causing trauma!"

 

 

 

 

EPISODE II

 

 

"Overprotective And Proud Of It: The Transcript Of A Community Meeting Held Somewhere In The State Of Washington"

"Let's outlaw booing!

Heaven forbid our offspring

Should know the real world!"

 

 

 

 

 

"Daydreaming Of A More Fan-Friendly Sports Environment" AKA: "Wouldn't It Be Cool If..."

In auto racing

Cars should have the following:

James Bond oil slicks

 

 

 

 

"Currency Exchange: A Translation Guide For Press Conferences"

 

"Not about money"

When an athlete tells you this,

It's about money

 

 

 

 

"Blushing Orange: Syracuse Fans In The Strangest Places"

 

Queen wrote the ballad

"Boeheimian Rhapsody"

For Coach Jim Boeheim

 

"How Flattering!"

 

 

 

 

"Shhhhhhh... It's The White Thing To Do" AKA: "The Hellish Reality Of Shaun Kemp And Kobe Bryant" AKA: "Bartender, Gimme A Standard- And Make It A Double!"

Knocking up a girl

And dumping her is OK

-If you're Tom Brady

 

 

Sexual assault

Will quickly be forgotten

-If you're Marv Albert

 

 

A lil' DUI

Is really not an issue

-If you're Michael Phelps

 

White collar crimes?

 

 

 

"Comedy Of Errors: A Fan Rehashes His Personal Grievance With Monday Night Football"

 

 

It's been many years,

But Dennis Miller's presence

Can't be forgiven

 

"I'm so eloquent I'm incoherent.  It's like listening to Nancy Pelosi deliver one of her meandering exordiums before the State of the Union Address- as if, after seven years we're suddenly supposed to latch onto the idea that George W. Bush is this iconoclastic harbinger of the New World Order.  And while physically, you're caught in this patriotic tractor beam of self-reproach, the reality is, you've already checked out and you're scrolling through the old mental dossier trying to figure out where to file the whole affair in the continuum of things you'd rather be dissected alive by a pygmy witch doctor than to have to endure, only to discover that it occupies the space right between doing hard time in a Mexican prison with nothing but a three-legged mule to keep you company and gargling Condoleeza Rice's bathwater..."

 

 

 

 

"It's Alive!: Creation Of A Monster"

 

 

Young OJ Mayo

Was issued a trading card

As a high schooler!

 

 

As if his ego,

Already out of control,

Was needing a boost

 

"No need to applaud.  I know I'm great."

 

 

 

 

"Quoth The Raven, 'Traitor Forevermore'"

 

 

Why are Browns fans mad?

Their team won the Super Bowl...

In Baltimore!  Zing!!!

 

 

Will the real Browns please stand up?

 

 

 

 

"Bypass In The Literal Sense: Wondering Aloud Why A Certain Porker Remains Obese"

 

 

My God, Charlie Weis!

Did they staple your stomach,

Or just your sphincter?

 

How does he do it?

 

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff 

(Written In Large, Senior-Friendly Print)

At The Senior Olympics

 

 -A distinct vitamin-like smell* permeates the air.

 

 

-"Early Bird" meals are provided for competitors (and large tips are not expected).

 

 

 

-The line between race walking and running is somewhat gray.

 

 

-"Triathlete" is a (sometimes derogatory) term for a competitor who uses a cane.

 

 

 

-Metamucil is a primary sponsor.

 

 

 

-Port-A-Potties are set up every 300 feet.

 

 

 

-Free prostate exam booths are set up every 200 feet.

 

 

 

-The largest contingent of athletes is the delegation from Florida. 

 

 

 

In fact...

 

 

 

-Florida competes as its own sovereign nation.

 

 

*Probably Centrum Silver  

 

 

At The Senior Olympics

 

 

-There never seems to be enough parking spaces (handicapped or otherwise) for all the crookedly parked Buicks.

 

 

-Parents and grandparents of competitors are usually the crowd's most animated members.

 

 

-It's not always a good thing when a golf participant finishes a hole with three strokes.

 

 

 

- Continuing a longstanding tradition of good will, competitors gather in "Ben-Gay circles" prior to their events.

 

 

 

-Due to advances in technology, artificial hips have evolved to be almost as good as real ones.

 

 

-Illegal use of steroids and Human Growth Hormone is rampant.

 

 

-Prescription goggles and hydrodynamic adult diapers are utilized during swimming events.

 

 

-After a 1982 scandal now known as "Whippersnappergate", a strict screening process for potential entrants was created to prevent unscrupulous young ringers with fake IDs from sneaking in and winning all the medals.

 

 

 

-Athletes are provided with Rascal scooters for transportation to and from their events.

 

 

At The Senior Olympics

 

-Mischievious competitors have been known to secretly turn up the volume in the hearing aids of their opponents, then laugh at them as they endure mini-heart attacks brought on by the sound of the starting gun.

 

 

-Purse-snatchers and slick-talking con men posing as retirement planners have become a security issue.

 

-Like rabbits in heat, competitors from all over the world hook up with each other and have wild, noncommital sex.

 

 

-During a three-hour period in the middle of each day, all events are suspended for naptime.

 

 

 

-In the wake of the recent recognition of shuffleboard as an official event, a strong push is now underway for the inclusion of bingo.

 

 

-Extra Strength Polident reprsentatives are always in attendance looking for that next charismatic star to sign to an endorsement deal.

 

 

 

-Menopausal competitors are given bone density tests to ensure that they aren't calcium doping.

 

 

-Flatulence is so common that when it occurs, no one even acknowledges it.

 

At The Senior Olympics

 

-The sound of joints popping and cracking is not necessarily a cause for alarm.

 

 

 

-Irving Berlin is the overwhelming choice to be the entertainment at the opening ceremonies.

 

 

 

-Bacon is a popular menu item even though most in attendance are forbidden by their doctors from eating it.

 

 

 

-Irving Berlin is the overwhelming choice to be the entertainment at the closing ceremonies.

 

 

- Prior to the games, literature on how to deal with dirty old men is distributed by the host city.

 

 

 

-Organizers have their hands full making sure making sure that the right competitors are in the right events.

 

 

-There is a palpable jealousy from competitors who believe that recipients of the Purple Heart receive preferential treatment.

 

 

-Because of the high number of competitors with glaucoma, marijuana is not on the banned substances list.

 

 

 

-Because of the high number of oxygen tanks in the area, the traditional torch has been replaced by a giant light bulb.

 

 

At The Senior Olympics

 

 

-Pictures of Betty Grable are hung for inspiration in male dormitories.

 

 

 

-The lost and found is considered a hot spot for meeting members of the opposite sex.

 

 

-Events are timed with sundials.

 

 

-Athletes on team buses consistently find themselves entertained as lost members of bus tours mistakenly wander aboard.

 

 

 

-Nightly Ginger Ale toasts are held for athletes and patrons who wish to be social.

 

 

 

-Most silver medalists agree that the pain of missing out on the gold medal pales in comparison to that of the stock market crash.

 

 

 

-Events are held annually to ensure that gold medalists have the best chance of living long enough to defend their titles.

 

 

 

-When someone yells, "Show us your tits!" to a female competitor, she doesn't have to lift her shirt up very far.

 

 

 

-The grumpy sound of complaining can be heard in the air long after the games have ended.

 Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz... It's me again!  The Sports Fly!  Sorry for the absence, but I found this sweet stash of raw sewage and lost all track of time.  You know how it is. 

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... After being away from the sports world for so long, I'm really anxious to get back to my eavesdropping- and what better place to start than at the bottom with the lower-than-low O.J. Simpson?  Now that he's managed to get himself into trouble again, the search has begun for a fair and impartial jury.

 

Bzz-!  Bzz-bz!  Sorry, the very thought of such a thing just made me laugh so hard I coughed up a piece of carcas.  It'll never happen- and that's why I wouldn't miss this for all the raw sewage in China!

 

 

ATTORNEY:  Have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?

 

POTENTIAL JUROR:  Yes.

 ATTORNEY:  Next!

(NEW CANDIDATE ENTERS)

 

ATTORNEY:  Have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?

 

POTENTIAL JUROR #2:  Yes.

 

ATTORNEY:  Next!

 

(NEW CANDIDATE ENTERS)

 

ATTORNEY:  Have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?

 

POTENTIAL JUROR #3:  Yes.

 

ATTORNEY:  Next!

 

(NEW CANDIDATE ENTERS)

 

ATTORNEY:  Have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?

 

POTENTIAL JUROR #4:  Of course!  I mean, who hasn't?  He's the guy who slaughtered his ex-wife and her boyfriend, got acquitted, flaunted his freedom on the golf course, and wrote the book "Here's How I Woulda Killed 'Em If, In Fact, I Actually Killed 'Em (Which I Did)".  And I think he played football, too...

 

ATTORNEY:  (SIGHS) Next!

 

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... Looks like this is going to get worse before it gets better.  That O.J.'s creepier than a maggot nursery.  I'd love to watch the whole thing, but as a fly, my lifespan isn't nearly long enough.  I say we zip over to the studios of our friends at Fox Sports and listen in on a show featuring Petros Papadakis. 

 

 

PETROS:  Hi, I'm Petros Papadakis!  I talk really loud and I sound like a muppet!

 

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... WOW!  Five seconds and I'm already suicidal!  Time for a change of scenery.  Let's go by USC and watch as a geography professor tries to console a Trojan football player still grieving the loss of teammate Joe Danelo.  

 

 

PROFESSOR:  Now son, I know this was tragic, but I also know how important football is to you.  If you don't get yourself out of this funk and improve your grades, you won't be eligible to play.  Sometimes messages are delivered in strange ways, and it's not our place to question them.  Just look at it as a signal to seize every opportunity in life that comes your way- and that includes making the most out of the scholarship you've been given.  You are blessed, and it's times like this when we need to truly appreciate what we have.  Do it for Joe!

 

 

TROJAN:  You're absolutely right, sir, and I know it.  It's just hard is all.  I haven't been myself since he fell off that cliff in San Pee-dro.

 

PROFESSOR:  San Pedro.

 

TROJAN:  What?

 

PROFESSOR:  San Pedro.  It's pronounced "San Pedro".  You said San Pee-dro.

 

TROJAN:  I'm not following.

 

PROFESSOR:  Repeat after me.  San Pay-dro.

 

TROJAN:  San Pee-dro.

 

PROFESSOR:  Not quite.  Try it one more time.  San Pay-dro.

 

TROJAN:  San Pee-dro.

 

PROFESSOR:  OK, let's try something different.  Who is the New York Mets pitcher in this photograph?

 

TROJAN:  Pedro Martinez.

 

PROFESSOR:  Good!  And what does this shirt say?

 

TROJAN:  Vote For Pedro?

 

PROFESSOR:  YES!  And where is that cliff again?

 

TROJAN:  San Pee-dro.

 

PROFESSOR:  Aw, it's hopeless!  Just get your grades up. 

 

TROJAN:  Yes sir!

 

PROFESSOR:  (MUTTERING UNDER HIS BREATH) No one else in the state can pronounce it.  Why should he be any different?

 

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... Well, that was entertaining- in a nauseating sort of way. In fact, the only thing I can think of that's more repugnant than this blog is a giant mound of turds.  Which reminds me- it's almost time for dinner!  I'm off!

 

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff