Confucius say...  

 

...Player who eat Mexican food during training camp run wind sprints to toilet.

 

 

...Athlete who inject steroids soon have pain in the ass when random drug test is administered. 

 

...Man who spend all his time polishing old bowling trophies miss out on trophy wife.

 

...Tour de France cyclists full of carbohydrates, but short on moral fiber.

 

...Only thing more repressive than Communist China is coaching style of Bob Knight.

 

...Careless participant in lumberjack competition get buzz cut.

 

...Man who lacerate hand during rowing event get crew cut.

 

...Jittery top fuel drag racer get dreadlocks.

 

...Bungee jumper who misjudge length of cord get flat top.

 

...Miami Dolphins like aluminum at recycling plant- undergoing meltdown.

 

...Kobe Bryant like Playboy Magazine- many issues.

 

 

...Championship days of Lakers like Ming Dynasty- ancient history.

 

...Mike Tyson like uranium 238- highly unstable.

 

...Philadelphia fans like Mike Tyson- bipolar.

 

...NHL like woman who no use birth control- always going through labor pains.

 

...Performance of Roger Clemens like stadium beer- flat and overpriced.

 

...Home run record of Barry bonds like children of Shawn Kemp- illegitimate.

...When line drive approaches face of Angels pitcher, Scot Shields.

 

...When #1 golfer watch porno, Tiger Woods.

 

...When Japanese home run king reach sexual climax, Sadaharu Oh.

 

...When Brewers phenom got to 2nd base with girl on date, Prince Fielder.

 

...When Bills running back find out Fielder's date was his sister, Marshawn Lynch.

 

 

...When Colts receiver mate with Sasquatch, result is Marvin Harrison.

 

...Open window in home of Saints quarterback Drew Brees.

 

 

...Poker player with many women is five-card stud.

 

 

...Seatbelt in car of franchise player is jock strap.

 

 

...Testicle of San Diego Chicken is fowl ball.

 

 

...Competetive eating on Tivo is re-gurgitation.

 

...Swimmer focused on Olympics have wet dreams.

 

 

...Baseball player involved in threesome turn double play.

 

 

...Softball coach with busy hands receive pinch-hit.

 

...Football player who walk in on wife receiving oral sex from tennis instructor find ineligible man downfield.

 

 

...Baseball player who have sex during picnic hit inside the park home run.

 

 

...Pitches from Johan Santana like limblesss man in swimming pool- both quickly sink.

 

 

...Notre Dame football program like hemophiliac on aspirin- unable to stop bleeding.

...Agent of Pacman Jones like man walking dog in park- must follow closely to clean up messes left behind.

 

...Minnesota Timberwolves like underarms of French woman- much stinky.

 

...Feet of Shaquille O'Neal like toys made in China- filled with lead.

 

...Bill Belichick like urine of dehydrated man- needs to lighten up.

 

...Play of St. Louis Rams like author's portrayal of Confucius- offensive.

 

...Sword of Samurai not as sharp as angles in eyebrows of Herman Edwards.

 

 

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

  In The Locker Room

  

-A tired, old joke will be made each time someone drops his soap.

 

 -Words like "boobies" and "pee-pee" still elicit fits of uncontrollable giggling.

 

-Players take quick, subtle glances downward to see how well-hung the guy standing next to them is.

 

-Chairs should always be checked for Vaseline and other clear gels before sitting in them.

 

-Shaving cream pies are served with regularity.

 

-The law of karma is strictly enforced.

 

Therefore...

 

-The player doing the teasing this week secretly fears that he will be the next victim.

 

-There's always that one guy who's brave enough to pull a prank on the coach.

 

-There's always that one guy who wallpapers his locker with pictures of himself.

 

 

  In The Locker Room

 

 

-Bench-warmer or not, the team's best towel-snapper is revered by his mates.

 

-A gruesome scene occasionally unfolds when a towel snap intended for someone's hindquarters misses its' mark (and instead finds the family jewels) because the intended victim turns around in that split second after the irreversible snap has been set in motion.

 

-Players who shave their heads are usually in and out of the shower more quickly than those with lustrous, flowing manes.

 

-The player with the smallest noodle avoids showering with the rest of the team.

 

- The player with the most reporters crowding around his locker will likely ask them for a few feet of extra space to make room for his growing ego.

 

-The player with the greatest number of foofy hair products and lotions will be subject to ridicule.

 

-The player who raises his voice an octave and says "I love you" during phone calls with his girlfriend will be subject to ridicule.

 

-The player who keeps pictures of his kitty cat in his wallet will be subject to ridicule.

 

-Foreign athletes experience culture shock when subjected to American hazing rituals.

 

-The "Atomic Heat in the jock strap" gag made famous by the movie Revenge of the Nerds is rarely performed because, even aomong the manliest of men, it is considered cruel and unusual.

 

 

  In The Locker Room

 

 

 

-A player is more likely to share the story of last night's sexual conquest if it involves a babe than he is if he "went hoggin'".

 

-A mini fashion show takes place on game day as each player tries show up wearing a sharper suit than the next guy.

 

-A combination of boosters, meddling agents, and egomaniacal owners has resulted in the ubiquitous presence of wet bars, day spas, and solid gold toilets in modern-day facilities.

 

-Although players' mothers are not permitted inside, their presence remains largely felt in the form of "yo momma" jokes.

 

-73% of players polled felt they were underpaid.

 

-87% of players polled said their favorite movie was "Scarface".

 

 

   In The Locker Room

 

-Some guy who isn't the real leader of the team will try to assert himself by giving a speech, and no one will listen.

 

-The team owner will make the occasional "morale-boosting" appearance, and despite his best efforts to fit in, he will inevitably throw off the delicate balance of the locker room ecosystem.

 

However...

 

-Though his visits may be awkward, players will still pretend to laugh at the owner's jokes because he's the guy who signs their paychecks.

 

-Even in a room full of hairy, sweaty, smelly jocks, if your underwear sticks to the side of your locker, it's considered disgusting. 

 

-Generally speaking, most players will not want the locker next to yours if you're that guy.

 

-Rookies and freshman, no matter how talented or well-paid, will always be scum.

 

 

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

"A Coach's Unpleasant Surprise"

 

 

 

I journeyed forward

With a false sense of security

My thoughts were nowhere in particular,

And disaster was nowhere in my thoughts

 

Confidence intact through indifference to reality...

 

  Foolishness permeates

As I am reminded how,

In one fleeting moment,

Things could have been different

 

 

 

 

Now, the contemplations grow more vivid:

 

 

 

 

"Perhaps someone more patient;

Someone not as absent-minded

Might have taken the time"

 

 

 

When I'm harsh with myself

(Honest, that is)

I admit that when it comes down to it,

It just didn't matter

 

-Even though it does now

 

 

 

So rather than torment myself further,

I will merely sit

And brood a little more

About the shame...

 

 

The embarrassment...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of being told my zipper was down.

~ The Sports Intellectual

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

Good evening.  This is The Sports Intellectual Report, your source for the sports news the "real media"  won't tell you.  I'm Rod Stiffington, and these are the X's and O's...

 

Tragedy struck New Orleans again on Sunday when a fan who was disappointed with the Saints performance this season decided to attend their game against the Jacksonville Jaguars wearing a bag over his head, a la the "Aints" fans of yesteryear.  Unfortunately, he used a clear plastic bag, and with no need to cut out any eyeholes in order to see, he quickly suffocated to death before the kickoff.  The fan, whose name is being withheld due to the embarrassment his family is suffering, was ironically heard telling those in his section that, just for once, he wanted to see the Saints get a big lead so they could have some breathing room.  Even more ironically, the Saints did just that, winning 41-24.

 

(This would've been a better idea.)

 

 

Despite the fact that they lost a football game to the Naval Academy for the first time in 43 years, spirits remain high among the Notre Dame faithful- especially those of Charlie Weis, their rotund leader.  When asked if he had ever seen his coach with a long face this year, Freshman QB Jimmy Clausen said, "No, I'd say he has more of a wide face."

Long face?  Hard to tell...

 

 

In an exclusive TSI interview this week, Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs spoke candidly for the first time about his traffic accident during the wee hours of August 27th.  Briggs, who was sentenced only to community service, was charged with two misdemeanors in the incident:  the first, for failing to report the accident, and the second, for leaving its' scene- which, according to him, was the smartest thing he's ever done. 

"I was so beyond wasted," chuckled Briggs, "that sticking around would have totally gotten me a DUI." 

At the end of the day, however, Briggs claims to have learned his lesson from the episode and says it has given him a deeper perspective on life (although he still maintains that the saddest part of the whole thing was seeing the crumpled wreckage of his 2007 Lamborghini).

Tears at your heartstrings, doesn't it?

 

 

Well, fans, you can finally stop debating about which college football conference is number one!  Earlier this week, an international panel of statisticians and computer analysts assembled to address that very issue.  Using a complex mathematical formula that takes into account over 3 trillion different statistics and intangibles, they determined once and for all that the Big Sky Conference reigns supreme, followed closely by the Sunbelt Conference.  Upon hearing of such conclusive findings, NCAA President Miles Brand declared it "resounding proof" that computer calculations should play an integral role in the college football process.  He even went on to say that, in his estimation, what the BCS really needs is a more elaborate computer ranking system, and that he is considering hiring the aforementioned team of number-crunchers during the off-season to make it happen.

"Makes sense to me!"

     

In other news, the New Jersey Nets demonstrated both a flair for nostalgia and a complete misunderstanding of the term "throwback uniform" last Wednesday when they took the court for their home opener wearing footie pajamas.

 

The new throwback uniforms?

 

And speaking of throwbacks in the NBA, David Stern announced today that in order to appeal to America's growing geriatric population, there will be a new addition to the skills competition at next year's All-Star Weekend:  a granny shot contest in which players will be given 60 seconds to convert as many underhand free throws as they can.  No word yet on what the prize will be, but sources say that Stern is leaning toward giving the winner the entire Matlock collection on DVD.

 

Rick Barry's forte... and a worthy prize!

 

 

And finally, college football expert Beano Cook will be honored by his alma mater, the University of Pittsburgh, for being the first and only Panther graduate to have an anti-flatulence product named after him.

"Use beano, and there'll be no gas!"

 

 

Thanks for watching The Sports Intellectual Report.  Tune in next week when David Ortiz reveals that the nickname "Big Papi" actually came from his pre-baseball days as an opium dealer. 

Papi seed?

I'm Rod Stiffington, and that's the final buzzer.

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

 =  ?

Click.  Whirr.  I am RoboGordon, fully automated Driverbot and officially licensed product of the NASCAR Corporation.  Dupont.  My serial number is PL-638-RS-28981-0262-LJR-6277.  I am programmed to verbalize the name of at least one sponsor per 3.715 second time interval.  Nicorette.  

 

 

Dvvvvt.  Chevrolet.  I am a third-generation cybermerchant, constructed by Clonetech, a subsidiary of Hendrick Motorsports.  My design is similar to that of the original Compu-racer prototype, first introduced in the 1970's.  Dupont.  However, my central processing unit is equipped with a reaction-time accelerator chip that allows me to insert the names of my sponsors into an interview at a rate 47.89621312 percent faster than that of the earliest Compu-racer models, the Pettymatic X-43 and the Yarbroughtron, whose primitive binary circuitry produced a sponsorship verbalization rate of only once every 7.13 seconds.  The improved reaction time has also helped my driving ability, but this side-effect is purely secondary to my original marketing function.  Tyvek.  Sparkle.

 

 

Brrap.  In addition to this, my 5000-gigabyte Clonetech database gives me a sponsorship information capacity 250,000 times greater than my immediate predecessor, the Waltrip Dewdroid.  Bosch spark plugs.  And finally- GMAC- my titanium framework allows me to withstand high-speed multicar collisions without sustaining any damage to my internal human organs.  Nextel.  The result is a 78.368 greater chance of race survival so that I may continue to live, breathe, and advertise.  Dupont.  Nicorette. 

 

 

Tick.  Tick.  Though I serve primarily as a billboard with speech capabilities, my creators were kind enough to program me with just enough artificial intelligence to experience certain forms of mortal pleasure.  For example, each time I win a race, I am rewarded- Goodyear- with an oil bath and three hours of interface time with my favorite computer program, "Virtual Reality Girls Of NASCAR" (all of whom are dressed in the attire of my favorite sponsors).  Quaker State.   

 

 

Nnnnn.  Drink Pepsi. 

 

 

Phzzt!  Warning!  Warning!  System overload!  New sponsors being annexed too quickly for adequate downloading of all necessary corporate information!  Circuits overheating!  Self-destruct sequence initiated!

   

 

 

DupontNicoretteChevrolet! DupontNicoretteChevrolet!  DupontNicoretteChevrolet!  DupontNicoretteChevrolet!  DupontNicore-

........

 

 

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff