Confucius say...

 

 

...Chemical bonds help make Barry Bonds

 

...The journey of a thousand feet begins with a single ejection

 

...Japanese alcoholic beverage and poorly-played NHL game are both sake

 

...Good sprinter same as lousy lover- both are fast

 

...Bad hurdler like LSD junkie- both are always tripping

 

...Only thing smaller than bonzai tree is Earl Boykins

 

...Only thing more fragile than Lotus flower is Kerry Wood

 

...Professional lumberjack chopsticks

 

...Over-fed basketball player and naughty child will soon be grounded

 

...Base-stealer like slacker- always trying to slide by

 

...Good pitcher like sexy woman- both have many curves

 

...NBA point guard like sidewalk Rolex vendor- both make living selling fakes

 

...Baseball umpire like consumer- decides if pitches are good or bad

 

...Football center and equipment manager both work with extra set of balls behind them

 

...Football center same as common man- both must bend over and take orders

 

...Football center like postal worker- both will eventually snap

 

...Soccer player like country of Switzerland- never uses arms

 

...Winning football coach like toilet- gets golden shower

...Man who doesn't wash jock strap will be left with 7-year itch

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2006, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"

 11 SPORTS LIMERICKS

 

 

There once was a baller named Shaq

Whose girth weighed him down like a sack

He said with a thunk

As he fell from a dunk

"It appears that I've broken my back!"

 

A "triathlete" utterly dim

Once entered a race on a whim

But the end of his fun

Came about in stage one

For the boy didn't know how to swim

 

As a brash Rose Bowl hero named Vince

Left the Trojans with ankles in splints

He cried, "Hear this one thing

It is I who am King

And young Leinart is but a mere prince!"

 

When a new Yankee fielder named Johnny

Left his former club's lineup quite scrawny

He said, "Let the fans hoot

For each team is a suit

And I've just gone from Sears to Armani!"

 

A constipated swimmer named Max

Once embarassed himself with Ex-lax

He vowed as his stool

Flowed into the pool

To never again eat three packs

 

An elderly gent from Penn State

Has been heard to say, "Isn't it great?

This year's winning approach

Will ensure that I coach

Until I'm one hundred and eight!"

 

While her cellulite sloshed by the ton

Ivy wept, "This cheerleading's no fun!

The men laugh and curse

And to make matters worse

They throw me dog bones when I'm done!"

 

In a move that was truly absurd

Ron Artest turned his back on the Bird

But Bird said, "Let him go

'Cuz he ain't the whole show

-And besides, you can't polish a turd"

 

A jouster, Sir Lancelot Cratchet

Was quite fierce in his armor and hatchet

But encountered a glitch

With a case of jock itch

When he found he had no way to scratch it

 

Said a handsome young QB named Brady:

"My looks have charmed many a lady,

But I romanced a fan

Who was really a man

And now I'm demanding a trade-ee!"

 

In an NBA locker room, Sissy

A reporter a little bit prissy

Went straight into shock

When the star dropped his jock

And bragged, "Now what you got to say, missy?"

 

Copyright 2006, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"

 

Tempe, Arizona

 

A night has passed since the Ohio State's 34-20 Fiesta Bowl spanking of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, but a "good all over" kind of feeling still spreads like a virus through the Buckeye community.  After enduring the John Cooper era, Buckeye fans cannot begin to express how thankful they are for the winning ways the Jim Tressel era has brought.  And what better way to thank a man is there than do it in person?  

 

I fought tooth and nail with other so-called sports intellectuals for an exclusive post-game interview, and following the path of my Buckeyes, I prevailed in the end and garnered the journalistic coup of my career.  Today, I will be speaking to the brilliant man who orchestrated last night's lopsided chess match.  THE Coach Tressel (Jim Tressel!) has invited me for brunch at his hotel suite near Sun Devil Stadium.  There, we will conduct the one-on-one interview for which I am arriving right now.

 

"Coach Tressel, it is without a doubt my life's greatest honor to meet you, sir"

 

"Shore thang.  Come on in here, boy!  Sit down and have you some moonshine!   

 

"No thanks, Coach.  It's 9:59 AM.  Plus, I usually don't start drinking until 10:00."

 

"Oh strap on a pair, will ya?  This sh*t'll put hair on your teeth"

 

"Honestly, Coach, I'm fine."

 

"Heh, heh... Charlie Weis...That sumbitch is fatter'n a hippo ain't he?"

 

"He sure is, Coach.  He sure is.  So do you have any thoughts for the millions of fans in Buckeye Nation?"

 

"Hell, yeah!  It seems like you can't never find good-tastin' deer jerky that ain't all salty and sh*t.  See, I'm watchin' ma klestrol.  And sometimes them lines at Wal-Mart are too gull dern long.  And you know them hairballs that cats cough up?

 

"Yes?"

 

"Well I had a friend growin' up who ate them thangs."

 

"Great!  Now how about some thoughts on the game?"

 

"Looky here, boy.  It was the dangdest thang you ever seen.  We smayshed 'em!  We took that ball and ran it up their cornholes!  Gave 'em their eigth bowl game loss in a row.  Left 'em lookin' like a bunch of sissies.  That Weis is fatter'n a hippo, ain't he?"

 

"Yes, you were mentioning that before..."

 

"Naw, but I gotta tell ya.  I'm proud as hell of our boys.  They just went out there and made plays.   We had twenty-seven first downs.  Twenty -Seven!  Troy Smith had 342 yards passing.  Ted Ginn, Jr had 260 total yards and two TDs.  Santonio Holmes caught 5 passes for 124 yards and a touchdown.  Antonio Pittman had 136 yards on the ground and a touchdown.  That's a lot of yards and touchdowns right there, boy.  And our defense chased 'em all over the field.  Hell, they was runnin' away like greased pigs at the County Fair."  

 

"I take it from your response that you were happy with the performance of your team.  Can you share with us your feelings about losing some of your best players to the NFL?"

 

"Yup.  It's a right awful shame Santonio's leavin'early.  That boy was faster'n a scalded dog.  But I tell you what, that A.J. Hawk'll make some coach out there real happy.  He is one solid linebacker.  Shoot, I betcha a possum dinner he goes in the top five!"

 

"I'll just take your word for it.  Well, I guess with that, we'll wrap things up.  I have a flight to catch, and you're scaring me.  Thanks for the interview, Coach.  I'll just show myself out."

 

"Hey, Boy!"

 

"Yes, Coach?"

 

"You remember that there column uh yers where you was talkin' 'bout how no one would ever replace Morganna the Kissin' Bandit?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"Well, you was G*d damn right about that.  Ain't never gonna be another one like her.  That little filly makes me smile, and when I smile, tobacco drips out the side of my mouth."

 

"Thank you again, Coach.  Good luck next season."

 

As I walk away from my meeting with the chess master, I am left with a final though a la Jerry Springer:

 

Our moments on this rock are filled with occuerences that aren't quite the way we imagined they'd be.  Sometimes they exceed what we envisioned, sometimes they fall short, and sometimes they are just plain bizarre.  What's important is that we don't allow these things to diminish who we are or how we treat the ones we love.  Be good to yourselves and each other. 

 

 

I would have never thought Notre Dame would play OSU so tough (I had the Bucks picked to win 63-0).

 

And more importantly,

 

I would have never thought Jim Tressel was a redneck............

 

Copyright 2006, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"

Tempe, Arizona

 

Rapture, thy name is Tressel!  So sayeth the Buckeye faithful as their heroes emerge victorious from the Fiesta Bowl for the third time in four years.  The holier-than-thou enemy has been slain 34-20 in a game much less close than the score.  Never in their storied history has Notre Dame given up 618 yards, as they did on this day of days. 

So as any objective journalist who wishes to adequately capture the experience would do, I must now drown myself in sweet, sweet jubilation.  After all, it is my job.  Sound the alarms and sing the chorus.  My Buckeyes- I mean the Buckeyes- have done it again!

 

And this is how it happened...

 

 

THE GAME

 

Notre Dame came out effectively, passing and running their way to a strong opening drive for which the Buckeye defense had no answer.  It took them all of 2:01 to post the game's first score, a run by Darius Walker.   Irish coach Charlie "Tugboat" Weis, whose massive gut somehow managed to spill out over pants that were pulled belly button-high, approved of their early success.

                       

Then came the soldiers in scarlet and gray, who made a statement of their own as quicksilver Ted Ginn, Jr. caught a majestic bomb 10 yards downfield from the nearest defender.

 

After a change of possession, Ohio State was again ready to strike, but this time, quarterback Troy Smith lost a fumble on his own 15 as he fought valiantly to avoid a sack.  Notre Dame had the ball, and all hope seemed lost.

In spite of this, college football's most masterful defensive unit quickly rebuffed the Irish.  A failed fourth down attempt left them saddled with the first of their six sacks...and...unable to score on a drive that BEGAN in the red zone!

 

Invigorated at the sight of such manhandling, OSU found the resolve to spring the very end around play that had eluded them all year.  It would be the play of the game.  Ginn streaked around the corner and down the left sideline with wings on his feet.  At the end of the play, he looked less like a footballer and more like a jab-stepping NBA guard, making two consecutive cuts that shook the Irish out of their shoes before he tiptoed into the end zone. 

 

Another defensive stop and the Buckeyes were again at the awning of the end zone.  Regrettably, Troy Smith, who may have been guilty of trying to do too much early on, fumbled away a foolish pitch to Ginn inside Notre Dame's 10-yard line.

 

Though the Irish were able to travel all the way to midfield before being shut down this time, they did exhibit the strong special teams play that would be a recurring theme in the game by downing a punt at the OSU 2-yard line.

 

However, it would not be enough to stop the Buckeyes from moving the length of the field in just over a minute.  The drive featured a crafty Troy Smith first down run on a broken play which was followed by an 85-yard touchdown bomb to wideout Santonio Holmes.

 

A blocked field goal by Notre Dame would end a first half in which Ohio State asserted itself defensively (in addition to their 391 yards of offense, 18 first downs, and 5/5 third down conversions).  The score was OSU 21, Notre Dame 7.

 

Brady Quinn, the brother of a certain OSU linebacker's girlfriend, had his worst game of the year.  He finished without a touchdown pass, and had trouble finding favorite receiver Jeff Samardzija (6 catches, 56 yards).  He did, however, open Notre Dame's second half scoring by pulling off a nice fake screen pass that led to a second touchdown run by Darius Walker.  After failing to convert the extra point, the score was 21-13.

 

OSU answered with a field goal after the replay rule was invoked to determine that a devastating fumble by Anthony Gonzalez, which Notre Dame returned for an apparent touchdown by Tom Zbikowski, was nothing more than an innocent incomplete pass.

 

On Notre Dame's following possession, Big Ten defensive player of the year A.J. Hawk made his presence felt.  On successive plays, he ran laterally to track down a runner in the backfield, then came out of pass coverage to nail his would-be brother-in-law and force a fourth down.

 

Another Josh Huston field goal on the Buckeyes' following trip brought them back to a 2-touchdown lead at 27-13.

 

The Irish yielded success on their next drive by converting a fourth-and-8 to get them deep into Buckeye territory, then capitalizing on an interference call when OSU's Mike Kudla shoved Samardzija in the end zone.  Three plays later, replay was used again, proving that the ball had, in fact crossed the plane of the goal line on Walker's third touchown run.

 

OSU then converted two difficult third-and-long plays to keep clock ticking until Antonio Pittman could seal the deal with a 60-yard touchdown run with 1:46 remaining. 

 

Ohio State 34, Notre Dame 20

 

Once the final score had been produced, the Buckeyes claimed their fourth BCS victory, the most of any college to date (USC has a chance to tie the mark with a Rose Bowl win).

 

 

THE AFTERMATH

 

Next year, Ohio State will undoubtedly have a different look than this year's squad, but should be equally feared.  They will lose Senior center Nick Mangold and their three outstanding senior linebackers, Hawk, Anthony Schlegel, and Bobby Carpenter, who missed the game with a broken foot he suffered against Michigan.  Holmes will forego his senior season to join the NFL, but Smith and Ginn will both be back, and the addition of RB Chris Wells, the nations top prep player sets up the tantalizing possibility of a wide-open offense the likes of which Columbus has never seen...if Tressel will allow it. 

 

Notre Dame will return virtually all key positions from their normally potent offense, including Quinn (who is already being given the Heisman), Walker, Samardzija, and WR Maurice Stovall, who had 9 catches for 126 yards tonight.  They should be within smelling distance of the BCS as Irish fans continue their honeymoon with "Tugboat" Charlie.

 

 

(Author's Note:  In the midst of my research on euphoria, Coach Tressel slipped off the field before I could catch a word with him.  Always the joker, he walked by like he'd never met me before.  I guess he'll just have to call me.  We're like brothers, really... no, I'm serious!)

Copyright 2006, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"

Tempe, Arizona

 

            Courtesy of the stork we call Time, Baby New Year has arrived on our doorstep, and the mess he carries in his diaper is the always-controversial BCS, a spectacle of unparalleled magnitude that will capture lovers and haters alike in a 3-day orgy of football bliss.

            To this date, I have only watched the proceedings from afar, wondering aloud what it would be like become one with the moment.  But those days are no more.  I will be packing my bags full of Tostitos and turning off my phone to avoid the incessant calls from newly-single Jessica Simpson as I march with unwavering purpose into the Valley of the Sun. 

Beloved readers, your dreams (and mine) have come true.  In 2006, The Sports Intellectual will be covering the Fiesta Bowl!

 

But first, a quick summary of the back-story...

 

With two narrow losses apiece, the gladiators from #4 Ohio State and #5 Notre Dame will take the field to battle for the following:

• A possible #2 final ranking
• A 3-2 lead in the overall series between the football giants (ND won in 1935 and 1936, OSU won in 1995 and 1996)
• The right to leave Tempe without a sub .500 wining percentage in bowl games (OSU is 18-19 and ND is 13-13)
• All the Tostitos

 

And now, the journalistically objective scouting report...

 

  THE OHIO STATE UINVERSITY, a revered institution, steeped in magnificence and tradition, brings a mighty, mighty team to the show.  Their weapons are countless. Nimble Troy Smith, blessed with a complete lack of fear, has the swagger and confidence the Buckeyes have needed at the quarterback position for some time.  Santonio Holmes and Ted Ginn, Jr. are merchants of speed, the former with 17.8 yards per catch, the latter with a 29.6-yard kickoff return average.  And let us not forget Anthony Gonzalez who, it is whispered, is swifter in the 40 than even Ginn!  Antonio Pittman has gone Darwinian on the fans in Columbus and evolved into a rock at the "Tailback U" of the Midwest.  He has racked up 1195 yards on the ground, and the last time the Buckeyes came to Tempe with a 1,000-yard back...well, you know what happened then.  And those linebackers!  Those glorious linebackers!  A trio of warriors so noble they grew their hair this season to honor Pat Tillman, the fallen Arizona Cardinals linebacker-turned-soldier.  Anthony Schlegel is unflappable, and what more needs to be said of a Lombardi Award winner named A.J., who has been leaving Hawk droppings all over the field in the form of tackled opponents.  The only question surrounding this group is whether or not their fallen brother will be back.  Bobby Carpenter suffered a broken foot as he left his body on the field during what is now Ohio State's annual vanquishing of their arch-rivals.  However unlikely it may be, Buckeye faithful are hoping he rises from the dead like that other long-haired fellow who beckons players toward the end zone at a certain team's stadium.   

           

NOTRE LAME arrives with obese 1st year coach Charlie Weis at the helm to stay, having already been given a baseless contract extension through the year 3000.  Their offense is run by QB Brady Quinn, a traitor from Dublin, Ohio, who threw the ball for over 100 yards this season.

 

Stay tuned for my post-game interview with Ohio State coach Jim Tressel.

 

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaappy New Year!

 

Copyright 2005, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"