Does your chest have that overrated, muscular look?  Do the stares of drooling females make you want to vomit?  Are you tired of having nipples that don't come to a cone-shaped point?

 

 

If you answered yes, then listen up as we tell you about an exciting new product called Gynobol!  That's right- Gynobol, the first-ever steroid GUARANTEED to induce gynecomastia! 

 

 

What's gynecomastia, you ask?  Well, it's a condition that causes men to grow female breast tissue... and it's taking America by storm!  

Don't be the last guy on your block to experience a slice of girl puberty.  Try Gynobol today! 

 

 

Here's how it works:  In most cases, gynecomastia occurs when the body converts exogenously introduced testosterone into estrogen through a process called aromatization- but the unique formula of Gynobol skips the middle man!  You see, Gynobol comes from an abandoned treasure trove of Communist Bloc steroids, recently discovered in a Bulgarian warehouse.  It's literally been on the shelf so long that the original testosterone has denatured and miraculously aromatized on its own!  That means Gynobol delivers up to 5 mg of pure, hot flash-triggering estrogen in every dose! 

 

 

But don't take our word for it- Just ask these satisfied customers:

 

 

"Bench presses, pushups, cable crossovers.  I tried them all.  My pecs grew, but my nipples stayed exactly the same!  Talk about frustrating!  Then a friend told me about Gynobol.  48 hours after my first injection, I felt an unmistakable tingling sensation- my buds were starting to sprout!  Within two weeks, they had blossomed, and I was off to shop for a training bra.  Thanks, Gynobol!"

                                 -Sam

                                 Raleigh, NC

 

 

"I tried those 'other' steroids and all I got was a bunch of useless muscle.  Gynobol gave me the side-effects I was looking for without all the pesky results.  And I've never been more in touch with my feelings!"

                                -Shawn

                                White Plains, NY

 

 

"My chest was highly developed- especially the upper portion.  People told me it protruded from my clavicles like a majestic ridge, and that I could serve cocktails off of it.  Unfortunately, the only beverage I wanted my chest to look like it could serve was milk!  I thought things were hopeless, but with Gynobol, I went from this:  

   to this!"

                                 -Jamie

                                 Sioux Falls, SD

 

 

Still not convinced?  Listen to what this expert had to say:

 

 

"As a doctor who specializes in hormone replacement therapy, I typically give my patients 1.25 mg of estrogen, AM and PM, for a total of 2.5 mg a day.  Short of an impending gender reassignment surgery, the 5 mg of estrogen found in Gynobol is twice the dosage I would ever feel comfortable administering.  If you're looking for a dangerously irresponsible way to ruin your chest, I highly recommend Gynobol."

              -Rajhi Chandanishumarajiva, MD

 

 

How much would you pay to have a pair of headlights pointing the way everywhere you went?  $500?  Think again!  $200?  Not quite, my friend!  Call now and we'll send you a bottle of Gynobol for only $19.99, plus shipping and handling!  That's right- only $19.99!

 

 

But wait, there's more!  Order now and we'll include a free pair of Shrinkerz, the extra-small jock strap for men with hypogonadism.

 

          

 

Remember:  The discovery of Gynobol was a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence, so supplies are limited!  When it's gone, it's gone!!!

 

 

To order, call 1-800-GYNOBOL or visit a Mexican pharmacy near you.

 

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... Guess who? That's right humans, it's your friendly neighborhood Sports Fly!  All apologies for my absence, but I found this cow whom it gave me particular pleasure to annoy. You know, land on the eyeball, get blinked off, land on the eyeball again... that sort of thing. Endless entertainment, to be sure, but as you know, it's never too long before I'm back to my usual rounds. There's simply too much love inside me to deprive you of the perspective that only a fly on the wall can provide.

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... And that is precisely what makes today's installment so special! Undoubtedly, each of you has wondered from time to time what it must be like behind the scenes at the Worldwide Leader, and 1/14 inch body size notwithstanding, I am really no different from the rest of you. So here I am in Bristol, Connecticut for a visit to ESPN Studios, where hipster producers are said to rule with iron fists and silver tongues.

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... Hey, one of those mythical producers is meeting with an intern right now! What a perfect place to start!

 

PRODUCER:  How's the editing going for tonight's "Blink-And-You'll-Miss-It Overstimulating Rock n' Roll Highlight Reel"?

INTERN:  Well, I've got it all cued up. Take a look for yourself and tell me what you think!

(14.3 SECONDS LATER...)

PRODUCER:  What the hell is this?

INTERN:  It's the "Blink-And-You'll-Miss-It Overstimulating Rock n' Roll Highlight Reel".

PRODUCER:  No. It's just not. I hate to tell you this, but I can actually focus on the images. I'm not sure who trained you on the ESPN-style highlight loop, but if it's edited properly, I shouldn't be able to tell if I'm looking at LeBron James or Secretariat. Think strobe light, my friend! Strobe light!

INTERN:  You got it!

PRODUCER:  Now fix it up while I go have a talk with Steve Berthiaume. He did the "say hello to my little friend" thing one time too many and his numbers on the "Now" index went way down.

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... A "Now" index, eh? That sounds interesting, but the melancholy piano music I hear can only mean one thing: They're about to tape a segment for that new sports journalism show "E-60". These guys are real pros, folks- definitely worth checking out!

 

REPORTER:  Well, first of all, congratulations! You hit .343, and drove in 130 runs. I'd say that's a pretty decent year, wouldn't you?

BASEBALL PLAYER:  (TURNING RED) Heh, heh. Pretty decent, I guess.

REPORTER:  Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all well and good, but as a legitimate sports journalist, that's not really my concern. Now something happened before the season that changed your life forever, didn't it? Something terrible...

BASEBALL PLAYER:  Yes, something did happen.

REPORTER:  What was it?

BASEBALL PLAYER:  Well, my father and I were vacationing in the Australian Outback and he was mauled by a kangaroo. We rushed him to the hospital, but by the time we got there, he had lost too much blood and they couldn't save him. An hour later, he was gone. He was the one who taught me how to play baseball...

REPORTER:  Tell us what he said to you as he lay there in that hospital bed, dying- dying a deadening death- a death so deadly it rendered him dead. And lifeless. Forever.

BASEBALL PLAYER:  He told me to go out and be the best baseball player I could be, and that he would always be with me.

REPORTER:  And tell us what was it like to stand over him at the very end when he physically died, torturously and irreversably, to the point of deadness.

BASEBALL PLAYER:  Oh, it was horrible. It felt like a part of me had just died, too.

REPORTER:  Did it make you... sad?

BASEBALL PLAYER:  Yes, incredibly sad.

REPORTER:  Did it make you want to... cry?

BASEBALL PLAYER:  Yes.

(SHORT PAUSE)

REPORTER:  And...?

(LONG PAUSE)

BASEBALL PLAYER:  And it was probably the hardest day of my life.

REPORTER:  (TURNS TO PRODUCTION CREW) Oh, screw it! Just spray the onion fumes already so we can wrap.

PLAYER:  Can I still talk about my foundation for victims of kangaroo attacks?

REPORTER:  Look, you just cost me an Emmy. Don't you think you've done enough for one day?

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... How depressing! Now I know why I regurgitate my food. But fear not- I just found an interview that should be a little more upbeat! A new job candidate has just arrived with dreams of joining the ESPN Deportes family... And we're off!

 

PRODUCER:  Como que pasa, mi hombrino? Welcome to ESPN Deportes. I'm Perry Nissler, and you are?

INTERVIEWEE:  Gustavo Ordonez, sir.

PRODUCER:  Well, pleased to meet you there, G-Ord! Have a seat and we'll get this thing started.

INTERVIEWEE:  Actually, I prefer to be called Gustavo.

PRODUCER:  I'm sorry, G-Ord, but that's not the ESPN way. You see, we have a little saying around here: "First initial, first syllable". That means we take the first initial of someone's first name and the first syllable of his last name and combine them to form his ESPN name- just like we do with every athlete we mention in our broadcasts. Derek Fisher is D-Fish. Tracy McGrady is T-Mac. And I'm Perry Nissler, so what does that make me?

INTERVIEWEE:  P-Nis?

PRODUCER:  E-zizzle-zaclty! You're a quick one, G-Ord! So tell me, what qualities make you the right guy for this position?

INTERVIEWEE:  Well, I have great people skills- and I'm also very gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal-oriented!

PRODUCER:  WOW! You just earned yourself some dap, young man! How long have you been waiting to use that line?

INTERVIEWEE:  My whole life, sir. Just being here is a like dream come true!

PRODUCER:  Alright! Let's get you behind the desk and have you read a little from the teleprompter. Sound good?

INTERVIEWEE:  I'm ready!

PRODUCER:  OK, rolling in 3, 2, (POINTS AT HIM INSTEAD OF SAYING "ONE")

INTERVIEWEE:  In a spirited contest with minimal rioting, Atletico Nacionale defeated Sportivo Luqueno 3-0 to pull into a tie with Sao Paolo atop Group 7 in early round action at the 2008 Libertadores Cup.

PRODUCER:  Cut, CUT, CUT!!! G-Ord, why are you not reading with a South American accent?

INTERVIEWEE:  Because the words are written in English, and they're intended for a North American audience. Plus I'd feel like a complete tool if I spoke in a phony South American accent just to create some transparent sense of authenticity.

PRODUCER:  You just don't get it, do you, G-Ord? Leave now, and don't come back until you're ready to sell out!

INTERVIEWEE:  Whatever you say... P-Nis! (EXITS)

PRODUCER:  (TO HIMSELF) What did he just call me?

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... Jeez, that was scarier than Chris Berman during a commercial break! No more interviews of any kind fo me, thank you. Let's get our creative juices flowing instead with a little visit to the corporate think tank. Oooh! Looks like the Research and Development team is already there! I bet they're busy concocting the next super-fresh idea to hit the airwaves...

 

PRODUCER:  So, Jason... what hip, new ways have you come up with to say "sponsored by"?

JASON:  Well, I'm thinking "charged by" would be a good one, as in, "and now for the 'Blink-And-You'll-Miss-It Overstimulating Rock n' Roll Highlight Reel', charged by Duracell batteries." And I also came up with "infused by", as in, "and now for the Pre-Fantasy Draft War Room, infused by Vitamin Water."

PRODUCER:  Oooooooooh, yes! YES!!! I can feel an infusion of hipness overtaking me as we speak! Well done, my protege. Dap for Jason, everybody! (TURNS TOWARD EMPLOYEE #2) And how about you, Randy? What uber-trendy substitutes have you created for the term "home run"?

RANDY:  Well the first idea that hit me was inspired by my college physics classes, and that one is "completing the circuit"- not to be confused with "hitting for the cycle", heh heh heh... (SILENCE)... You know, because when a guy hits a home run, he completes a circuit around the bases... (MORE SILENCE)... yep... so... anyway... the next one I thought of was "mashed tater", because "tater" is already a term for a home run, so I figured "mashed tater" could be used when a guy hits one like, 500 feet... or something like that... (EVEN MORE SILENCE)

PRODUCER:  I'm not feeling the "it", Randy. I'm spiceless over here. Now give me something catchy while I go and scold Neil Everett. He did an NCAA bracket report and said "favorite" instead of "chalk".

RANDY:  Will do.

PRODUCER:  Oh, and Randy?

RANDY:  Yes?

PRODUCER:  You'd better start thinking more like Jason or you're gonna wind up working at Fox.

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... Aw, come on! Take it from a guy who turns a Port A Pot into an all-you-can-eat buffet. It can't be THAT bad!       ;)

Until next time, bipeds!

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

'Tis the Saint Patty's Blog- Volume 3,

But first, a quick warning to thee:

If you're drinkin' green brew,

Through the nose you might spew

From the lim'rickal stylings of ME!!!

 

 

 

 

"Pain In The Absence Of Technical Difficulty"

 

In the pomp before two teams competed

A young girl sang the anthem to lead it

And the shrieks that she spawned

Caused the crowd to respond

"Damn! Where's some feedback when you need it?"

"Where's some feedback when you need it?"

 

 

 

"Cheapness At $10 Million A Year: The Man No Salary Cap Would Fit"

 

 

When a baserunner, bent toward the ground,

Got picked off by a throw from the mound,

To the dugout he went,

But yelled, "I shan't repent!

I'm worth more from this PENNY I FOUND!!!"

 

 

 "Delightfully Forgetful" AKA: "At Last, Something To Root For!"

.

A cheerleader, stripper by night,

Did a cheer with her breasts in plain sight

When the men did applaud

She proclaimed "Ohmigawd!

I can never recall my jobs right!"

 

 

 

"The Two Sides Of The NBA Coin"

 

'Twas the trade of the year! Changed the game!

-Though for one, 'twas a sizeable shame

See, the dust came to fall,

And L.A. got Gasol...

While the Grizzlies were stuck holding Kwame.

 

      

Good                                  Bad

 

 

A WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE: SOCIOLOGICAL RAMIFICATIONS OF PROLONGED ISOLATION

 

Case Study 1:

"Raw Truth: Cable TV Runs Amok In South Dakota"

 

 

A child's sheltered life became clear

At the state wrestling meet in Pierre

Said the lad, "Don't be sad,

But this ain't wrestling, Dad

-There's no costumes or folded up up chairs!"

 

 

Case Study 2:

"Unwittingly Comatose: A Nerd Faces His Issues"

.

A techie devoted to Dell

Was clued in to his self-imposed shell

When the talk turned to sport

And his only retort

Was: "Michael Jordan, eh? Doesn't ring a bell..."

 

 

Michael who?

 

"Rocketed Into Retirement: A Liar's Song"

 

.

Like a fire on its last burning ember

Roger fibbed, like he has since December

As they dragged him to jail,

He continued to rail,

Screaming, "Noooooo! Andy Pettitte misremembered!!!"

"Why didn't I quit lying while I still had the chance?"

 

 

 

DISEN-FAN-CHISEMENT... GET IT?

 

Example 1:

"Calling 'Em As I Sees 'Em: An NFL Fan Badmouths His Team's Former Coach"

 

.

From Atlanta, Petrino departed

'Leven months from the time that he started

'Twas a weak way to play it

And you're not allowed to say it,

But the man is most likely retarded

(-and a selfish, untrustable scumbag)

Not to be trusted.

 

 

Example 2:

"Acceptance: An NFL Fan Ponders His Team's Recent Failures"

 

.

I won't twist my words into contortion

Or blow anything out of proportion

But the Dolphins are bad,

And the season they had?

Let's just call it what it was- an abortion!

 

 

 

"Down The Tubes With A BULLET: The Proliferation Of Spinelessness"

 

.

As the PC brigade breeds its' whores,

Past excitement has turned into snores

Our example today

Comes from the NBA:

The Washington "You-Can't-Say-That-Anymores"

 

Don't look!  It's a bad word! 

 

NIGHT AT THE BOWL-O-RAMA: A COLLECTION OF SHORT STORIES ABOUT AMERICA'S LAST PURE FORM OF RECREATION

 

Story 1:

"Revenge Of The Chili Dog: A Less-Than-Ideal Path To Weight Loss"

 

.

A large bowler's dire issues with food

Made his fat, from the ball holes, obtrude

And the finger he lost

With a strike that he tossed

Left him far less equipped to be rude

 

 

Story 2:

"Of Youthful Enthusiasm... And Its' By-Products"

 

.

A new bowling lane buffer named Dax

Was unchecked in his usage of wax

And the sound of percussion

Followed each new concussion

As the patrons fell flat on their backs

 

 

Story 3:

"...In The Alley's Back Alley" AKA: "Bowling For Wiseguys"

 

.

On the side, Dax sold black market modems,

But the mob sought the money he owed 'em

And outside 'gainst the wall

With a 16-pound ball,

They pancaked his wanker and scrotum

.

 

Soon, a doctor confirmed his worst scare:

"Son, you're ruined forever down there."

But Dax had the doc rolling:

"Too bad life's not like bowling

-At least then I could've picked up a spare!"

 

 

 

"Overly Qualified?: A Wannabe's Undeniable Resume"

 

.

Here's a talk between driver Hal Stork

And NASCAR'S pre-eminent dork:

"What makes you so sure

You can drive on our tour?"

"Well, I once drove a cab in New York!"

Training ground for NASCAR?

 

 

 

"Anti-Climactic: The 'Big C' Defeats The 'Big O'"

 

.

A "quick-trigger" lover named Bryce

Sought some orgasm-halting advice.

Said his friend, "When it's near,

Keep this thought 'tween your ears:

Charlie Weis! Charlie Weis! Charlie Weis!"

The cure for all sexy thoughts... 

 

 

 

"Playing Under Protest: The New Age Of Dr. King's Passive Resistance?"

 

.

Displeased at a call he found lame,

Tommy shat on the court in a game

Then he yelled to the dome,

"My dog does it at home,

So I figured, 'Why not do the same?!!'"

 

 

 MADNESS INDEED: SARDONIC OBSERVATIONS OF A CERTAIN SPRINGTIME MONTH

.

Observation 1:

"Joy So Fleeting: A Mid-Major Basketball Team Celebrates An NCAA Tournament Berth"

 

.

At the buzzer, the fans promptly rushed

To the court, where the team captain gushed,

"What a fabulous journey!

We won our conference tourney!

Now it's on to 'The Dance' to get crushed!"

 

 

Observation 2:

"Foul Play: A Fan's Reaction To A Tournament Game's Painfully Slow Conclusion"

 

.

For fuck's sake, will you just let them win it?

You're down 12 and you're not even in it!

In "the NCAA"

It takes 4 hours to play

(One of which is the game's final minute)

 

 

 

"Psychiatric Explanation Of A Slump: A Major Leaguer Undergoes Therapy"

 

.

Me Little League coach, Mr. Garrett

Once gave me the strangest demerit

But upon second look,

'Twas not by the book,

For he sodomized me with a carrot!

"I've got issues, man!"

 

 

 

"Fanatacism Takes No Sick Days: The Timelessly Touching Tale Of A True Trooper"

 

.

With his five flu-touched friends on the shelf

A gigantic fan, still in good health,

With a paintbrush did dab

His abdominal flab

And spelled out the word "BROWNS" by himself

 

 

 

COACHES GONE WILD

 

Coach 1:

"The Knicks In A Nutshell: One For The Lowlight Reel"

.

The fans couldn't believe what they saw:

To the dropping of jaw after jaw,

Coach Isiah disrobed...

Then the mascot he probed...

Then breakdanced at midcourt in the raw

.

 

The crowd became palpably queasy

At this clown so incredibly sleazy

And the coach, he proclaimed:

"Yeah, I should be ashamed...

But topping myself isn't easy!"

"In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not easily embarrassed"

 

 

Coach 2:

"Stubborn Until Proven Guilty"

 

.

When some children were practically killed

By the driving of Belichick Bill

He delivered a bite

That was typically slight

"...they just... got out in front of my grill..."

 

.

After hours of jury deliberation

He was fined for a traffic violation-

Which, of course, he contested

(Though most figured he jested)

When he blamed a "rules misinterpretation"

"You cheat to win the game!  HELLO!"

 

 

 

"To Catch A Senator" AKA: "Smooth Operator (In The Bizarro World)"

 

.

"There's some stuff about chicks I don't get,"

Complained Ottowa's Antoine Vermette,

"With my deviant stare,

I show them I care,

But somehow, I haven't scored yet!"

 

The abstruse game of love he tried playing

But his rap smacked of sexual preying:

"Hey babe, if you're lucky,

I'll be slippin' my pucky

Through your five-hole, if you know what I'm saying..."

.

 

Since he played in the great NHL

He thought girls would fall under his spell

So he squeezed his date's butt,

Took a kick to the gut,

Then said, "That didn't go very well..."

.

 

With his prospects so far from advancin'

He logged on for a little romancin'

But his mood turned to blue

At a blind rendez-vous

When he heard: "Have a seat, I'm Chris Hansen."

 

The last guy you want to see on a blind date...

.

.

.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Take that, ya stinkin' ninnies!!!

 

At The Gym

 

 

-A cheesy salesperson will try to pressure you into buying a membership.

 

 

-There's always a guy wearing a pair of those MC Hammer pants with the gaudy print.

 

 

-There's always a guy wearing one of those ridiculous fanny packs.

 

 

-There's always a guy wearing a sweatshirt with the sleeves and neckhole cut out of it.

 

 

-There's always a guy wearing wrestling shoes.

 

 

-There's always a guy wearing MC Hammer pants with gaudy print, a ridiculous fanny pack, a sleeveless, neckless sweatshirt, AND a pair of wrestling shoes! 

 

 

-There's always a guy working out in dress clothes.

 

 

-Some guy with visible abs will lift up the bottom half of his shirt and check himself out so that everyone in the area knows he has abs.  This is usually done because he has no noteworthy muscle on any other part of his body.

 

 

-Some other guy will admire himself in the mirror like a peacock even though he has a terrible body from head to toe.

 

 

-Some guy with a staring problem will make everyone around him uncomfortable.

 

 

-There's a line to get on the foofy butt machine while the squat rack gathers dust.

 

 

-The person in the bathroom stall next to yours is usually the one who consumed one too many low-quality protein shakes.

 

 

 

 

At The Gym

 

 

 

 

-There's always that one person with horrible body odor.

 

 

-A woman will remain seated in the inner-thigh machine between sets, thereby exposing her sweaty crotch for all see.

 

 

-When you walk into the sauna, a creepy old naked guy will already be sitting there.

 

 

-A prima donna in the women's locker room will monopolize the mirror while she does her hair and makeup for a period of no less than 90 minutes.

 

 

-The cheesy salesperson who pressured you into buying your membership will immediately turn around and ask you to sell out 3 of your friends so that can subject them to the same type of pressure.

 

 

-A jerk with money to blow will buy personal training sessions for his grudging son to improve his football performance, even though it's painfully obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes that the child has no business in athletics of any kind.

 

 

-Female bodybuilders encourage each other with cheers of "go girl!" even though the term "girl" is somewhat of a misnomer.

 

 

In fact...

 

 

-Female bodybuilders walk bow-legged not because of their overly-developed leg muscles, but because of the clitoral enlargement brought on by their steroid use.

 

 

-There's always a fat guy wearing Richard Simmons shorts.  (Oftentimes, this individual does not wear underwear.)

 

 

-There's always some over-the-hill flabby lady with spandex shorts, a bra top, and nothing covering her midsection.

 

 

-The people lifting the most weight are the ones with the worst form.

 

 

In fact...

 

 

-At the end of his set, some guy pressing dumbells that are way too heavy for him to handle will drop them to the floor with a crash, causing those around him to shake their heads and snicker mockingly under their breath.

 

 

And...

 

 

-Some guy will slide about eight 45-lb plates on each side of the leg press machine, perform a few repetitions with a 6-inch of range of motion, grunt loudly, push on his knees for assistance, then walk away and leave the plates on the machine for someone else to remove.

 

 

-The cheesy salesperson who pressured you into buying your membership will forget your name before the first time you return to work out.

 

 

 

 

At The Gym

 

 

 

 

-The guy with the most back hair will always be wearing a tank top.

 

 

-A girl with fake boobs and a perfect ass will lolligag for a couple of hours and barely do any work... and no one will complain.

 

 

-There's always a lady who casually strolls on the treadmill while drinking a smoothie, reading a magazine, and talking on her cell phone, then wonders why she doesn't lose any weight.

 

 

-There's always some lady who's afraid to touch a dumbell for fear that doing so will make her muscles big and bulky.

 

 

And on the flip side...

 

 

-There's always a misguided 90-lb guy who thinks that using a weight belt, workout gloves, lifting straps, and chalk will somehow help him "get huge".

 

 

-There's always that one person who sits on the equipment as if he/she can get in shape by omsosis.

 

 

-There's always a guy with an enormous upper body and pinpole legs that appear as if they'll break beneath him if he steps the wrong way.

 

 

-Someone will wear the same exact workout clothes every single day.

 

 

-There's always a super-sweaty individual who doesn't use a workout towel or wipe off the equipment after after finishing.

 

 

And...

 

 

-It's easy to determine if this person has used a piece of equipment before you because he never fails to leave his calling card: a v-shaped pattern of buttcrack sweat in the spot where he/she was seated.

 

 

-A woman will attempt to avoid sweating because the