"Beating A Dead Horse: An Old Joke The Author Never Gets Tired Of Making"

 

 

If Mr. Ed dies,

I've got a good replacement:

His name's John Elway

 

Look at those chompers!

 

 

 

"Re-Evaluation Of An Evaluation"

 

 

The 40-yard dash

Just how important is it?

(Rice: 4.7)

 

Good.

 

 

"Singing The Blues In A Blue Jacket: An Ode To Columbus's Pro Hockey Franchise"

Congratulations!

You're the sole NHL team

That's still playoff-free

 

Not good.

 

 

  

 

FROM WORSE TO WORSER:  A NEW FORM OF CHILD ABUSE

 

 

EPISODE  I

 

"You're Out! (Of Your Minds): A Scene From A Little League Baseball Game In Cincinnatti"

"Hey, batter!  Hey, bat-"

"STOP!  That's negative chatter!

You're causing trauma!"

 

 

 

 

EPISODE II

 

 

"Overprotective And Proud Of It: The Transcript Of A Community Meeting Held Somewhere In The State Of Washington"

"Let's outlaw booing!

Heaven forbid our offspring

Should know the real world!"

 

 

 

 

 

"Daydreaming Of A More Fan-Friendly Sports Environment" AKA: "Wouldn't It Be Cool If..."

In auto racing

Cars should have the following:

James Bond oil slicks

 

 

 

 

"Currency Exchange: A Translation Guide For Press Conferences"

 

"Not about money"

When an athlete tells you this,

It's about money

 

 

 

 

"Blushing Orange: Syracuse Fans In The Strangest Places"

 

Queen wrote the ballad

"Boeheimian Rhapsody"

For Coach Jim Boeheim

 

"How Flattering!"

 

 

 

 

"Shhhhhhh... It's The White Thing To Do" AKA: "The Hellish Reality Of Shaun Kemp And Kobe Bryant" AKA: "Bartender, Gimme A Standard- And Make It A Double!"

Knocking up a girl

And dumping her is OK

-If you're Tom Brady

 

 

Sexual assault

Will quickly be forgotten

-If you're Marv Albert

 

 

A lil' DUI

Is really not an issue

-If you're Michael Phelps

 

White collar crimes?

 

 

 

"Comedy Of Errors: A Fan Rehashes His Personal Grievance With Monday Night Football"

 

 

It's been many years,

But Dennis Miller's presence

Can't be forgiven

 

"I'm so eloquent I'm incoherent.  It's like listening to Nancy Pelosi deliver one of her meandering exordiums before the State of the Union Address- as if, after seven years we're suddenly supposed to latch onto the idea that George W. Bush is this iconoclastic harbinger of the New World Order.  And while physically, you're caught in this patriotic tractor beam of self-reproach, the reality is, you've already checked out and you're scrolling through the old mental dossier trying to figure out where to file the whole affair in the continuum of things you'd rather be dissected alive by a pygmy witch doctor than to have to endure, only to discover that it occupies the space right between doing hard time in a Mexican prison with nothing but a three-legged mule to keep you company and gargling Condoleeza Rice's bathwater..."

 

 

 

 

"It's Alive!: Creation Of A Monster"

 

 

Young OJ Mayo

Was issued a trading card

As a high schooler!

 

 

As if his ego,

Already out of control,

Was needing a boost

 

"No need to applaud.  I know I'm great."

 

 

 

 

"Quoth The Raven, 'Traitor Forevermore'"

 

 

Why are Browns fans mad?

Their team won the Super Bowl...

In Baltimore!  Zing!!!

 

 

Will the real Browns please stand up?

 

 

 

 

"Bypass In The Literal Sense: Wondering Aloud Why A Certain Porker Remains Obese"

 

 

My God, Charlie Weis!

Did they staple your stomach,

Or just your sphincter?

 

How does he do it?

 

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff 

(Written In Large, Senior-Friendly Print)

At The Senior Olympics

 

 -A distinct vitamin-like smell* permeates the air.

 

 

-"Early Bird" meals are provided for competitors (and large tips are not expected).

 

 

 

-The line between race walking and running is somewhat gray.

 

 

-"Triathlete" is a (sometimes derogatory) term for a competitor who uses a cane.

 

 

 

-Metamucil is a primary sponsor.

 

 

 

-Port-A-Potties are set up every 300 feet.

 

 

 

-Free prostate exam booths are set up every 200 feet.

 

 

 

-The largest contingent of athletes is the delegation from Florida. 

 

 

 

In fact...

 

 

 

-Florida competes as its own sovereign nation.

 

 

*Probably Centrum Silver  

 

 

At The Senior Olympics

 

 

-There never seems to be enough parking spaces (handicapped or otherwise) for all the crookedly parked Buicks.

 

 

-Parents and grandparents of competitors are usually the crowd's most animated members.

 

 

-It's not always a good thing when a golf participant finishes a hole with three strokes.

 

 

 

- Continuing a longstanding tradition of good will, competitors gather in "Ben-Gay circles" prior to their events.

 

 

 

-Due to advances in technology, artificial hips have evolved to be almost as good as real ones.

 

 

-Illegal use of steroids and Human Growth Hormone is rampant.

 

 

-Prescription goggles and hydrodynamic adult diapers are utilized during swimming events.

 

 

-After a 1982 scandal now known as "Whippersnappergate", a strict screening process for potential entrants was created to prevent unscrupulous young ringers with fake IDs from sneaking in and winning all the medals.

 

 

 

-Athletes are provided with Rascal scooters for transportation to and from their events.

 

 

At The Senior Olympics

 

-Mischievious competitors have been known to secretly turn up the volume in the hearing aids of their opponents, then laugh at them as they endure mini-heart attacks brought on by the sound of the starting gun.

 

 

-Purse-snatchers and slick-talking con men posing as retirement planners have become a security issue.

 

-Like rabbits in heat, competitors from all over the world hook up with each other and have wild, noncommital sex.

 

 

-During a three-hour period in the middle of each day, all events are suspended for naptime.

 

 

 

-In the wake of the recent recognition of shuffleboard as an official event, a strong push is now underway for the inclusion of bingo.

 

 

-Extra Strength Polident reprsentatives are always in attendance looking for that next charismatic star to sign to an endorsement deal.

 

 

 

-Menopausal competitors are given bone density tests to ensure that they aren't calcium doping.

 

 

-Flatulence is so common that when it occurs, no one even acknowledges it.

 

At The Senior Olympics

 

-The sound of joints popping and cracking is not necessarily a cause for alarm.

 

 

 

-Irving Berlin is the overwhelming choice to be the entertainment at the opening ceremonies.

 

 

 

-Bacon is a popular menu item even though most in attendance are forbidden by their doctors from eating it.

 

 

 

-Irving Berlin is the overwhelming choice to be the entertainment at the closing ceremonies.

 

 

- Prior to the games, literature on how to deal with dirty old men is distributed by the host city.

 

 

 

-Organizers have their hands full making sure making sure that the right competitors are in the right events.

 

 

-There is a palpable jealousy from competitors who believe that recipients of the Purple Heart receive preferential treatment.

 

 

-Because of the high number of competitors with glaucoma, marijuana is not on the banned substances list.

 

 

 

-Because of the high number of oxygen tanks in the area, the traditional torch has been replaced by a giant light bulb.

 

 

At The Senior Olympics

 

 

-Pictures of Betty Grable are hung for inspiration in male dormitories.

 

 

 

-The lost and found is considered a hot spot for meeting members of the opposite sex.

 

 

-Events are timed with sundials.

 

 

-Athletes on team buses consistently find themselves entertained as lost members of bus tours mistakenly wander aboard.

 

 

 

-Nightly Ginger Ale toasts are held for athletes and patrons who wish to be social.

 

 

 

-Most silver medalists agree that the pain of missing out on the gold medal pales in comparison to that of the stock market crash.

 

 

 

-Events are held annually to ensure that gold medalists have the best chance of living long enough to defend their titles.

 

 

 

-When someone yells, "Show us your tits!" to a female competitor, she doesn't have to lift her shirt up very far.

 

 

 

-The grumpy sound of complaining can be heard in the air long after the games have ended.

 Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz... It's me again!  The Sports Fly!  Sorry for the absence, but I found this sweet stash of raw sewage and lost all track of time.  You know how it is. 

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... After being away from the sports world for so long, I'm really anxious to get back to my eavesdropping- and what better place to start than at the bottom with the lower-than-low O.J. Simpson?  Now that he's managed to get himself into trouble again, the search has begun for a fair and impartial jury.

 

Bzz-!  Bzz-bz!  Sorry, the very thought of such a thing just made me laugh so hard I coughed up a piece of carcas.  It'll never happen- and that's why I wouldn't miss this for all the raw sewage in China!

 

 

ATTORNEY:  Have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?

 

POTENTIAL JUROR:  Yes.

 ATTORNEY:  Next!

(NEW CANDIDATE ENTERS)

 

ATTORNEY:  Have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?

 

POTENTIAL JUROR #2:  Yes.

 

ATTORNEY:  Next!

 

(NEW CANDIDATE ENTERS)

 

ATTORNEY:  Have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?

 

POTENTIAL JUROR #3:  Yes.

 

ATTORNEY:  Next!

 

(NEW CANDIDATE ENTERS)

 

ATTORNEY:  Have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?

 

POTENTIAL JUROR #4:  Of course!  I mean, who hasn't?  He's the guy who slaughtered his ex-wife and her boyfriend, got acquitted, flaunted his freedom on the golf course, and wrote the book "Here's How I Woulda Killed 'Em If, In Fact, I Actually Killed 'Em (Which I Did)".  And I think he played football, too...

 

ATTORNEY:  (SIGHS) Next!

 

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... Looks like this is going to get worse before it gets better.  That O.J.'s creepier than a maggot nursery.  I'd love to watch the whole thing, but as a fly, my lifespan isn't nearly long enough.  I say we zip over to the studios of our friends at Fox Sports and listen in on a show featuring Petros Papadakis. 

 

 

PETROS:  Hi, I'm Petros Papadakis!  I talk really loud and I sound like a muppet!

 

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... WOW!  Five seconds and I'm already suicidal!  Time for a change of scenery.  Let's go by USC and watch as a geography professor tries to console a Trojan football player still grieving the loss of teammate Joe Danelo.  

 

 

PROFESSOR:  Now son, I know this was tragic, but I also know how important football is to you.  If you don't get yourself out of this funk and improve your grades, you won't be eligible to play.  Sometimes messages are delivered in strange ways, and it's not our place to question them.  Just look at it as a signal to seize every opportunity in life that comes your way- and that includes making the most out of the scholarship you've been given.  You are blessed, and it's times like this when we need to truly appreciate what we have.  Do it for Joe!

 

 

TROJAN:  You're absolutely right, sir, and I know it.  It's just hard is all.  I haven't been myself since he fell off that cliff in San Pee-dro.

 

PROFESSOR:  San Pedro.

 

TROJAN:  What?

 

PROFESSOR:  San Pedro.  It's pronounced "San Pedro".  You said San Pee-dro.

 

TROJAN:  I'm not following.

 

PROFESSOR:  Repeat after me.  San Pay-dro.

 

TROJAN:  San Pee-dro.

 

PROFESSOR:  Not quite.  Try it one more time.  San Pay-dro.

 

TROJAN:  San Pee-dro.

 

PROFESSOR:  OK, let's try something different.  Who is the New York Mets pitcher in this photograph?

 

TROJAN:  Pedro Martinez.

 

PROFESSOR:  Good!  And what does this shirt say?

 

TROJAN:  Vote For Pedro?

 

PROFESSOR:  YES!  And where is that cliff again?

 

TROJAN:  San Pee-dro.

 

PROFESSOR:  Aw, it's hopeless!  Just get your grades up. 

 

TROJAN:  Yes sir!

 

PROFESSOR:  (MUTTERING UNDER HIS BREATH) No one else in the state can pronounce it.  Why should he be any different?

 

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzz... Well, that was entertaining- in a nauseating sort of way. In fact, the only thing I can think of that's more repugnant than this blog is a giant mound of turds.  Which reminds me- it's almost time for dinner!  I'm off!

 

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

I see you there,

Off to the right

A cotton swab

More brown than white

Uncommonly disgusting sight:

A Q-Tip on my floor

 

 

And as I see you,

See you lying,

Lying,

While my patience trying,

Trying the impossible:

Attempting to ignore

 

 

But like the ticking

Of the clock

Incessantly

You seem to mock,

Mock me with your arrogance

Oh Q-Tip on my floor

  

 

So boldly is thy crust displayed

In sticky layers

That I'm afraid

To touch you

 And dispose of you

Oh Q-Tip on my floor

  

 

 

Those ends encased in gooey wax!

I turn,

But to retrace my tracks

Escape is not a choice

Alas,

My guests arrive at four

 

 

Recalling wisdom from a friend

To summon courage from within

I hold my breath

And bend

To grab you,

Grab you off my floor

 

 

And as I feel

My fingers gripping,

 Gripping you

The hate is ripping,

Ripping through to banish you

Oh Q-Tip on my floor

 

 

And thus I cast you overhead

I've sent thy world a' reeling!

No longer shall you mark my floor...

Oh Q-Tip on my ceiling

 

D'OH!

 

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

(and on my birthday, no less)

 

 

DAMN YOU, CHARLIE WEIS!!!

 

 

 

 

My intentions were honorable.

 

 

 

Is it not a noble soul who would extirpate his proclivity to mock? 

 

 

Are we not a more percipient collective when we desist from satirizing those whose burdens may be glandular?

 

 

 

 

A man in torment, I hemorrhaged from the very marrow as I vacillated on the knife-edge 'tween demons of monomania and familiar autumnal yen.

 

 

 

 

DAMN YOU!

 

 

 

I sought only the spiritual metamorphosis that accompanies a higher path:  To emerge from the proverbial coccoon as a beauteous, more tolerant butterfly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But you have continued to suck!

 

 

 

 

 

And I am only human.

 

 

 

 

Let us mince words no longer, dear Charles:  Among the cognoscenti of sport, even the most pertinacious of mavens would be hard-pressed to unearth a more noisome devolution. 

 

Ambrosial to behold, it is, this monstrosity. 

 

By way of nugatory ostentation, you have come to acquire at last your beseeming locus in the annals of craposity.  One might even christen it your right of eminent domain.

 

The sewage-like vapor you now inhale must certainly rival that manufactured by your bowels upon the ingestion of your trademark footlong double-pastrami sub.

 

Rarified air, if ever there were.

 

 

Damn you for for compelling a nation to re-visit the perspicuous racism behind the dismissal of your predecessor! (as all the while, your penitent superiors clandestinely pine for his return)

 

And damn you for possessing such effrontery as to accede to this anomalous and farcical addendum to your monetary renumeration.  A man whose values were more evincive of the Catholicism you profess to represent would have considered it stealing from the hand of God.  Only when you collect your tie-severing ransom will your administrators find their money well-spent. 

 

 

Still, an action so curious by an establishment so revered begs the question:  What makes this apparent charlatan so exceptional? 

 

 

Is there unseen magic to which the public is not privvy, or is he the unproven swine we perceive him to be?

 

 

Predictably, my inquisitive disposition could not be eschewed. 

 

 

There was but one recourse for attaining the intelligence I sought, and it began with the commissioning of Dick Snoops, private eye extraordinaire. 

 

 

A Sports Intellectual special report was what followed, as we targeted one Charlie Weis, and, in the parlance of the gumshoe, "put a tail" on him.

 

 

The secrets we unearthed may be found hereinafter:

 

 

6:30 AM- Alarm goes off.  Subject hits snooze button.

6:45 AM- Alarm goes off.  Subject hits snooze button.

7:00 AM- Alarm goes off.  Subject hits snooze button.

7:15 AM- Alarm goes off.  Subject hits snooze button.

7:30 AM- Alarm goes off.  Subject gets out of bed and empties his bedpan.

7:31 AM- Subject proclaims he is hungry.

7:32-7:58 AM- Subject gets dressed with the aid of several family members.

8:00 AM- Unable to wait any longer for his breakfast to be cooked, subject consumes a package of uncooked sausage patties from his refrigerator.  (Note to self:  Subject is a Golden Domer who, for the moment, appears to be brimming with Tennessee Pride...) 

(Get it?)

8:11 AM- Subject's belt, stretched to its' mortal limit, finally gives out.

8:16 AM- Subject replaces broken belt with new one made from reinforced steel cable used for hauling limber.  

8:23 AM- Subject complains that McDonald's doesn't deliver.

8:37 AM- Subject leaves for work.

8:56 AM- Subject stops at McDonald's for a McGriddle.

9:07 AM- Subject stops at 7-11 for a danish.

9:23 AM- Subject arrives at work.

9:24 AM- Subject asks his secretary to hold all telephone calls.

9:26 AM- Subject eats Butterfinger bar from stockpile in desk drawer.

9:28 AM-11:15 AM- Subject takes catnap at desk.

11:16 AM- Subject awakens suddenly, as if startled by a noise.  Asks himself the following:  "Did I just fart or was that my pants ripping again?"

11:17 AM:  Lack of unusual smell causes subject to determine that it was, in fact, his pants ripping.

11:18 AM- Subject proclaims he is hungry.

11:25 AM- Subject arrives at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet around the corner from his office and procedes to gorge.

12:14 PM- Arrives back at office.  Has the following conversation with his secretary: 

 

 

WEIS:  I need to eat something.  My blood sugar feels low. 

SECRETARY:  Didn't you just have lunch over at Chairman Mao's? 

WEIS:  Yeah, it's weird.  I think I'm hypoglycemic or something.

 

 

12:15 PM- Subject eats Twix bar from desk drawer stash.

12:16 PM- Subject asks secretary to hold all calls.

12:17-1:51 PM- Subject takes catnap.

1:52 PM- Subject awakens.

1:53 PM- Subject consumes Skor bar to gather strength for his 2:00 interview

2:00 PM- Beat reporter from Weis's days as a Patriots assistant arrives and conducts the following interview:

 

 

REPORTER:  So aside from the hollow feeling of cheating your way to the winning side of a football game, what do you miss most about New England? 

WEIS:  That's an easy one.  The thing I miss most would have to be the Boston cream pie... ooooh, and those Boston baked beans... and especially that New England clam chowder! 

REPORTER:  But you can get that stuff anywhere. 

WEIS:  This interview is over.

 

 

2:02 PM- Subject rushes from office in search of Boston cream pie, Boston baked beans, and New England clam chowder.

2:59 PM- Subject arrives back just in time for practice.

3:00-6:00 PM- Subject monopolizes sideline oxygen tank while assistant coaches run things.

6:00 PM- Subject concludes practice by asking Freshman QB Jimmy Clausen to address the team.

6:01 PM- Using a popular relaxation tip for public speaking, Clausen finds himself giggling uncontrollably at the thought of audience member Weis in his underwear.

6:12 PM- Clausen regains his composure and delivers his speech

6:17 PM- Speech over.  Practice over.

6:55 PM- Subject arrives home and has the following conversation with his wife:

 

 

WIFE:  Your new doctor called today.  He tried you at the office, but your secretary told him you weren't taking any calls. 

WEIS:  Hmm, that's odd.  I wonder why she would say that?

WIFE:  He said the test results show that instead of a gastric bypass, you were given a gastric implant.

WEIS:  Well, that certainly would explain a lot...

 

 

6:59 PM- Subject eats dinner, then "nibbles" until bedtime.

 

 

 

 

 

Unveiled, to say the least.

 

 

Yes, Charlton, I've got your number.  But despite your squad's graceless inefficacy, you may take solace, old foe, in the ensuing doublet of certainties:  

 

 

1.  Per the by-laws of the NCAA and Network Television, Notre Dame will still be given its customary opportunity to lose a BCS bowl game.

 

 

and

 

 

2.  The defensive unit you face Saturday is one against whom even you could line up at receiver and find yourself wide-open on a deep route.

(Only human, remember?)

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"