About Me:
As the struggles and lessons of life continue, so, too, does our fascination with sport, for within its regulated drama we find the human experience so aptly mirrored.
Greetings, fellow connoisseurs, I am The Sports Intellectual. My soul burns wi
About Me:
As the struggles and lessons of life continue, so, too, does our fascination with sport, for within its regulated drama we find the human experience so aptly mirrored.
Greetings, fellow connoisseurs, I am The Sports Intellectual. My soul burns wi
About Me:
As the struggles and lessons of life continue, so, too, does our fascination with sport, for within its regulated drama we find the human experience so aptly mirrored.
Greetings, fellow connoisseurs, I am The Sports Intellectual. My soul burns wi
-A tired, old joke will be made each time someone drops his soap.
-Words like "boobies" and "pee-pee" still elicit fits of uncontrollable giggling.
-Players take quick, subtle glances downward to see how well-hung the guy standing next to them is.
-Chairs should always be checked for Vaseline and other clear gels before sitting in them.
-Shaving cream pies are served with regularity.
-The law of karma is strictly enforced.
Therefore...
-The player doing the teasing this week secretly fears that he will be the next victim.
-There's always that one guy who's brave enough to pull a prank on the coach.
-There's always that one guy who wallpapers his locker with pictures of himself.
In The Locker Room
-Bench-warmer or not, the team's best towel-snapper is revered by his mates.
-A gruesome scene occasionally unfolds when a towel snap intended for someone's hindquarters misses its' mark (and instead finds the family jewels) because the intended victim turns around in that split second after the irreversible snap has been set in motion.
-Players who shave their heads are usually in and out of the shower more quickly than those with lustrous, flowing manes.
-The player with the smallest noodle avoids showering with the rest of the team.
- The player with the most reporters crowding around his locker will likely ask them for a few feet of extra space to make room for his growing ego.
-The player with the greatest number of foofy hair products and lotions will be subject to ridicule.
-The player who raises his voice an octave and says "I love you" during phone calls with his girlfriend will be subject to ridicule.
-The player who keeps pictures of his kitty cat in his wallet will be subject to ridicule.
-Foreign athletes experience culture shock when subjected to American hazing rituals.
-The "Atomic Heat in the jock strap" gag made famous by the movie Revenge of the Nerds is rarely performed because, even aomong the manliest of men, it is considered cruel and unusual.
In The Locker Room
-A player is more likely to share the story of last night's sexual conquest if it involves a babe than he is if he "went hoggin'".
-A mini fashion show takes place on game day as each player tries show up wearing a sharper suit than the next guy.
-A combination of boosters, meddling agents, and egomaniacal owners has resulted in the ubiquitous presence of wet bars, day spas, and solid gold toilets in modern-day facilities.
-Although players' mothers are not permitted inside, their presence remains largely felt in the form of "yo momma" jokes.
-73% of players polled felt they were underpaid.
-87% of players polled said their favorite movie was "Scarface".
In The Locker Room
-Some guy who isn't the real leader of the team will try to assert himself by giving a speech, and no one will listen.
-The team owner will make the occasional "morale-boosting" appearance, and despite his best efforts to fit in, he will inevitably throw off the delicate balance of the locker room ecosystem.
However...
-Though his visits may be awkward, players will still pretend to laugh at the owner's jokes because he's the guy who signs their paychecks.
-Even in a room full of hairy, sweaty, smelly jocks, if your underwear sticks to the side of your locker, it's considered disgusting.
-Generally speaking, most players will not want the locker next to yours if you're that guy.
-Rookies and freshman, no matter how talented or well-paid, will always be scum.
Good evening. This is The Sports Intellectual Report, your source for the sports news the "real media" won't tell you. I'm Rod Stiffington, and these are the X's and O's...
Tragedy struck New Orleans again on Sunday when a fan who was disappointed with the Saints performance this season decided to attend their game against the Jacksonville Jaguars wearing a bag over his head, a la the "Aints" fans of yesteryear. Unfortunately, he used a clear plastic bag, and with no need to cut out any eyeholes in order to see, he quickly suffocated to death before the kickoff. The fan, whose name is being withheld due to the embarrassment his family is suffering, was ironically heard telling those in his section that, just for once, he wanted to see the Saints get a big lead so they could have some breathing room. Even more ironically, the Saints did just that, winning 41-24.
(This would've been a better idea.)
Despite the fact that they lost a football game to the Naval Academy for the first time in 43 years, spirits remain high among the Notre Dame faithful- especially those of Charlie Weis, their rotund leader. When asked if he had ever seen his coach with a long face this year, Freshman QB Jimmy Clausen said, "No, I'd say he has more of a wide face."
Long face? Hard to tell...
In an exclusive TSI interview this week, Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs spoke candidly for the first time about his traffic accident during the wee hours of August 27th. Briggs, who was sentenced only to community service, was charged with two misdemeanors in the incident: the first, for failing to report the accident, and the second, for leaving its' scene- which, according to him, was the smartest thing he's ever done.
"I was so beyond wasted," chuckled Briggs, "that sticking around would have totally gotten me a DUI."
At the end of the day, however, Briggs claims to have learned his lesson from the episode and says it has given him a deeper perspective on life (although he still maintains that the saddest part of the whole thing was seeing the crumpled wreckage of his 2007 Lamborghini).
Tears at your heartstrings, doesn't it?
Well, fans, you can finally stop debating about which college football conference is number one! Earlier this week, an international panel of statisticians and computer analysts assembled to address that very issue. Using a complex mathematical formula that takes into account over 3 trillion different statistics and intangibles, they determined once and for all that the Big Sky Conference reigns supreme, followed closely by the Sunbelt Conference. Upon hearing of such conclusive findings, NCAA President Miles Brand declared it "resounding proof" that computer calculations should play an integral role in the college football process. He even went on to say that, in his estimation, what the BCS really needs is a more elaborate computer ranking system, and that he is considering hiring the aforementioned team of number-crunchers during the off-season to make it happen.
"Makes sense to me!"
In other news, the New Jersey Nets demonstrated both a flair for nostalgia and a complete misunderstanding of the term "throwback uniform" last Wednesday when they took the court for their home opener wearing footie pajamas.
The new throwback uniforms?
And speaking of throwbacks in the NBA, David Stern announced today that in order to appeal to America's growing geriatric population, there will be a new addition to the skills competition at next year's All-Star Weekend: a granny shot contest in which players will be given 60 seconds to convert as many underhand free throws as they can. No word yet on what the prize will be, but sources say that Stern is leaning toward giving the winner the entire Matlock collection on DVD.
Rick Barry's forte... and a worthy prize!
And finally, college football expert Beano Cook will be honored by his alma mater, the University of Pittsburgh, for being the first and only Panther graduate to have an anti-flatulence product named after him.
"Use beano, and there'll be no gas!"
Thanks for watching The Sports Intellectual Report. Tune in next week when David Ortiz reveals that the nickname "Big Papi" actually came from his pre-baseball days as an opium dealer.
This... is... Anagram Sports Jeopardy, the show that's dangerously close to being sued by the folks over at original Jeopardy! And now here's your host, Tacky Cheeseman!
Thank you, everybody! I'm Tacky Cheeseman, and welcome again to the show that tests your sports knowledge in the form of answers containing scrambled names. The questions of course, are provided by you! And heeeeeeeeere we go!
While his neurotic desire to have his body cryogenically frozen is well-documented, few are aware that this former batting champ also kept a mildew list in his desk drawer.
(Who is Ted Williams?)
After marrying two consecutive steroid users, then repeatedly testing positive for steroids herself, this disgraced track star now dates only ninja romeos.
(Who is Marion Jones?)
If five members of this team committed crimes, but were deemed mentally unfit to stand trial, there would be a total of ten insane testes.
(Who are the Tennessee Titans?)
Although there is usually no shortage of news reports about this NCAA hoops coach getting a DUI or leaving a team high and dry after a single season, if you really want to know what he's up to, your best bet is to bug his bong.
(Who is Bob Huggins?)
This Canton-bound offensive lineman credits his enormous size to a dish his mother calls a pecan drool.
(Who is Orlando Pace?)
After being quietly fired by ESPN for sexual harrassment, this former Kansas City Royal became a nerd's holy lord when a member of MENSA took over as president of his fan club.
(Who is Harold Reynolds?)
Despite his stoic public persona, this vested coach moonlights as a wacky MC named Jester Slim.
(Who is Jim Tressel?)
Once a player signs a multi-million dollar contract with this team, he will no longer have to insert a roach plan to make his home life tolerable.
(Who are the Carolina Panthers?)
Anytime this QB-turned lame actor-turned announcer doesn't get a drink thrown in his face by a woman who's out of his league, he considers it a shrewd bar try.
(Who is Terry Bradshaw?)
This former Dodgers manager once bought an infomercial product called a salad motor, but later returned it when it began causing him stool drama.
(Who is Tom Lasorda?)
A Notre Dame legend, this individual is said to have impregnated hundreds of women in order to overcompensate for the neuter knock that plagued him as a youth.
Welcome again to The Sports Intellectual Report, your source for all the sports news the "real media" won't tell you. I'm Rod Stiffington, and these are the X's and O's...
Still outraged by the dogfighting exploits of Michael Vick, PETA members have launched a new campaign to ensure that the fallen star receives no preferential treatment while in jail. This latest wave of protesting was touched off by a document leaked from the Petersburg, Virginia Federal Correctional Institution, in which a plan is outlined to make Vick feel more at home by equipping his cell with a rape stand. Although PETA maintains that doing so would be unfair to others, prison authorities have assured them that the only one who will truly derive enjoyment from the amenity will be Bulldozer, Vick's 280-pound future cellmate.
After going winless in their first 8 games, the Miami Dolphins have already declared the season "a mulligan" and created a new slogan for next year's squad:
"Dolphins football. Expect the worst, and if something different happens, cheer like hell!"
A similar slogan could probably apply to this year's Notre Dame football program. However, their corpulent leader Charlie Weis does not appear to be worried. And while certainly not the coaching genius some thought him to be, his ability to remain calm amid a sea of choppy waters is quickly becoming legendary. During his weekly press conference on Monday, Weis simulaneously justified his 1-7 record and appeased Notre Dame's Catholic fan base by assuring everyone in attendance that the team's dismal performance is "all part of God's plan".
"I'm a divine failure!"
Ever the entrepreneur, Magic Johnson has announced his partnership in a venture to create a new chain of sports bars where scantily clad waitresses serve up hot wings and cold beer. If it sounds familiar, it's because it is. However, Johnson and his group will be putting a different twist on the idea by eschewing the temptation to employ women who are, shall we say, top-heavy, and instead hiring girls who are well-endowed someplace else. And the name of the chain, you ask? Cooters!
And now for another TSI Advanced Copy Exclusive! Alex Rodriguez will soon be in the news again, but not quite for the reasons he'd like. In the upcoming sequel to his tell-all book "Juiced", Jose Canseco will reveal that early in his career, Rodriguez became consumed by the fact that certain fans took his metrosexual image as a sign that he was gay. Mortified at the rumors, Rodriguez began wearing chaps to the ballpark in hopes of projecting a more manly appearance. However, he later scrapped the idea when a fan pointed out that the chaps, in fact, made him look reeeally gay.
But don't feel bad for A-Rod, folks. After uberagent Scott Boras discreetly disclosed that his client will opt out of his $25 million a year contract with the Yankees to search for greener pastures, he re-emerged just hours later to announce that in order to help potential employers offset some of cost of the obscene contract his superstar will demand, he brokered a 13-figure endorsement deal between A-Rod and the U.S. Federal Reserve.
And finally, in what may be the sporting world's ultimate display of selfishness, start and finish have filed lawsuits against each other to obtain the exclusive naming rights to what we currently know as the start/finish line. Caught in the middle of the dispute are NASCAR drivers, whose most recent race has now entered its third consecutive day as they await a verdict.
A fight to the finish?
or to the start?
Thanks for watching The Sports Intellectual Report. Tune in next week when we reveal that Joba Chamberlain
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