"Call Me Old School, But..."

 

 Pay College Athletes?

They're already paid, I say

-With their scholarships!

 

 

 

"A Fundamental Problem: Why The United States Suffers In International Basketball Competition"

 

Olympics are tough

-More so when you've learned the game

From the "And 1" guys

 

 

(Not the ideal basketball instructors)

 

 

"Don't Even Go There, You Brain-Dead Bimbo: A Man Defends His Guilty Pleasure To His Girlfriend"

Sure, pro wrestling's fake,

But it's still not as staged as...

Reality shows!

Still beats "The Bachelor" any day!

 

 

"Nightmares and Maladjustment: A Story Of Unresolved Issues"

What is scarier

Than Lawrence Taylor on coke?

Little League parents

"Now go out there and play like a bunch of crazed dogs or you're not getting a ride home.  You got that!?  Okay, good Luck!  Daddy loves you!"

 

 

"Saturation Theory" AKA: "There's Only Room For One Type Of Football On Any Given Continent"

 

For twenty plus years

I've heard, "Soccer will be huge"

Well... I'm... still... waiting...

Wake me when it's popular...

 

 

 

ON THE BORDER

(BETWEEN FUNNY AND JUST PLAIN WRONG, THAT IS...)

EXAMPLE #1

 

 "Alien Conspiracy Uncovered:  Why The INS Ignores The Immigration Issue"

 

Without illegals

A certain sport would suffer:

Major League Baseball

 

 

EXAMPLE #2

 

"180 Mile-Per-Hour Stereotype" AKA: "Shoot, All He Needs Now Are Some Of Them Bouncy Hydraulic Thangs"

 

NASCAR fans enjoy

Juan Pablo Montoya's horn:

"La Cucaracha"

"beep-beep-beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep-beep-beep!"

 

 

"Quiet Revelations" AKA: "I Never Did Understand That Sport Anyway"

Announcers for golf

Sit in a booth far away,

Yet they still whisper...

 

 

A SPORTY COMMENTARY ON THE AGE IN WHICH WE LIVE

VERSE 1:

 

"Say Cheese!"

 

Don't worry, athletes

A new friend is on the way:

The paparazzi

A 35-mm window into the future?

 

 

VERSE 2:

 

"Going Hollywood: Advice For 'Bad Boy' Athletes"

Getting some bad press?

Check yourself into rehab-

That's what the stars do!

"It's where all the cool kids go"

 

 

"Thoughts Of A Pervert During A Beach Volleyball Match"

I wish I could be

The sand inside her swimsuit

Right about now... Yeah...

 

 

"Lower Than Low:  A Dolphin Kicker's Legend Lives On"

Insulting a guy?

Tell him he throws like a girl.

That should do the trick

 

 

Insulting a girl?

That's easy.  Tell her she throws

Like Yepremian

Still ugly after all these years.

 

 

 

"Mired In Anonymity: A Fan's Curiosity Upon Hearing The Conversational Mention Of (Perhaps?) The NBA's Least-Celebrated Franchise"

 

You're kidding me, right?

The Golden State Warriors?

Are they still playing?

"At least we got to round 2 last year!"

 

 

"Serve and Volley: An Insult Contest From The French Open"

Your momma's so big

She wears two tennis nets

For fishnet stockings

 

 

Well your mom's so big

She shoots all your practice balls

From her va-jay-jay

 

  

"Oxygen Deprivation As A Training Tool" AKA: "It's A Euro Thing- You Wouldn't Understand"

 

Athletes from Europe

Have a "Kool" secret weapon:

They smoke cigarettes

"Try running a marathon after smoking a pack of these, you silly American!"

   

 

"What's In A Name?" AKA: "Ancient Chinese Secret No More"

There is but one sport

Named for its greatest player.

That sport is Ping Pong

 

  

"Unexpected Guests (Who Should Actually Be Expected)"

 

When your team does well

Prepare to have company

(The bandwagon fans)

 

 

 END.

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

So I broke up with my new boyfriend Chaz and got back together with my old boyfriend Trey, which makes him my new boyfriend again.  Whoa, that's really deep!  I just got a headache trying to make sense of it all!  Unfortunately, a headache is the least of my worries right now, because ever since I broke up with Chaz, Ashley has been going around behind my back and telling people that I had an abortion.  Yes, Ashley, as in my ex-BFF Ashley Nagel!  And I know it's true, too, because Kylie is my new BFF, but Ashley doesn't know it yet, and Ashley told Kylie right to her face and then Kylie told me!  This is like, the worst thing you could do to somebody- and you know what else?  I can't believe she even would spread a rumor like that when she's the one who went down on Coach Snyder!  I could sooo ruin her reputation!  If ever there were a time when I needed an outlet for my frustrations, it's now.

 

And that's why I have you.

 

Oh Sports Diary, someday it won't be considered weird for a teen princess to be crazy about sports.  Until then, we'll just have to make do- and that's not a bad thing, either, because you make me feel comfortable when I'm sharing my innermost thoughts on random sports topics.  Topics like...  

 

 

  COLLEGE GAME DAY'S EARLY START TIME

 

It's not fair!  Kirk Herbstreit is completely dreamy, but I live in LA, which means that College Gameday starts at like, 7 AM!  Plus, on Friday nights, after we cheer at the football game, all the girls get together and have a sleepover party- and once we've stayed awake all night talking about boys, I end up sleeping right through it!  And on those days when I do get up in time, I'm all bleary-eyed, so I can't appreciate him in his full glory.  I wish it didn't have to be this way, but hello- girl tradition!  God, why does that Tebow thingy have to be so confusing?

"He's so dreamy..."

 

 

 

THE "QUICK SPIKE"

 

I totally thought about it for a while, but after watching football last season, I've decided not to become an offensive coordinator (although I do coordinate a mean wardrobe ROFL!).  Basically, some of the plays they call just don't make any sense.  Case in point, for example, I saw this one play where as soon as the quarterback got the ball from the hiker, he threw it into the ground in front of his feet- and it looked like he did it on purpose!  Of course, then they had to line up again for a do-over.  I mean, why not just get it right the first time?  Also, by my calcutations, there is a zero percent chance of getting the ball to a receiver when you throw it directly into the turf.  No pun intended, but I could throw a better pass than that!

 

 

STIRRUPS ON BASEBALL UNIFORMS

 

Excuse me, but why have the fashion police not issued a citation to the sport of baseball?  The players are still running around in stirrup pants!  Has no one informed them that those went out of style like, 20 years ago?  (Not that they were ever stylish to begin with...)  In fact, I laugh my butt when I see pictures of my Aunt Kelly from the 80's, or as I like to call them, "The Dark Ages of Fashion".  There she is with her big New Jersey mall hair, wearing an oversized, multi-colored sweater (complete with Izod collar sticking up from below), and of course, a pair of those ridiculous, semi-baggy stirrup pants.  Hey, baseball guys:  It didn't look good then and it doesn't look good now!  Don't get me wrong.  It's cute that you have your little traditions and all, but some things are just more important- like looking fab!  And right now, you're about as far from fab as a group of people can be.  Put it this way- if I wanted to create a dress code for Loserville, stirrup pants would be the first requirement.

 

Equally atrocious?

 

 

  PRODUCT PLACEMENT ON NASCAR VEHICLES

 

OK, sometimes I watch NASCAR because Jeff Gordon's really cute, but I'm starting to wonder if it's even worth it.  I mean, should I honestly be expected to sit through a 500-mile parade of mismatched color schemes and corporate logos?  Can you say "eyesore?"  You guys!  There must be a way to get the point across without so many decals.  Could you maybe limit it to like, one sticker per company?  You're good drivers and you have lots of sponsors.  I get it!  But do you really have to make your cars look like my nerdy little brother's Trapper Keeper?

Trapper Keeper on wheels?

 

 

  SIDELINE MOTIVATION

 

Can somebody please tell me why teams don't keep a designated butt-slapper on the sideline?  You know, someone like um ... me?  I know, I know- I'm such a horndog, but if you think about it, when players don't have to slap each other's butts all the time, they can totally conserve energy for the game!  All those cute guys in need of encouragement... I would sooo do that job if it existed!

 

 

  TRADE RUMORS INVOLVING KOBE BRYANT

 

FYI:  If the Lakers trade Kobe Bryant, I'll be majorly bummed!  I'll stop watching them, I swear!  He's like the only player they have who's not a total dweeb.  Seriously- if I could shoot like him, I wouldn't pass the ball either.  Of course, I'm no rocket psychiatrist, but how does trading away the NBA's best player make them a better team?  It would be like going to Starbucks one day, and all they have is black coffee, but you super want a Caramel Macchiato!  (Fat-free, of course, 'cuz who wants to look like Angie Dobbins, that cow from the Geography Club?)  Besides- I can't put my finger on it, but there's something about Kobe that reminds me of myself...

"Drama, anyone?"

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

Like, hi!  Remember me?  The Drama Queen?  I know it's been a while, but things have been majorly swampy for me!  Between cheerleading and fulfilling my duties as a member of the Prestwick High School Homecoming Court, I barely have time to skip class!  How stressful is that?  Plus, I broke up with my old boyfriend Trey today and started going out with my new boyfriend Chaz, which made Trey totally rage out during lunch period and throw a pot pie against the wall.  Detention!  I was so embarrassed for him, but what did he expect?  He asked if we could go steady before school started in the morning, then didn't even meet me at my locker after first period!  Did he really think he'd still be my boyfriend at the end of the day?  Besides, Chaz completes me, and I've never been happier!  When he walked me to lunch today, I just knew he was the one.  And Kylie even heard he was planning something special for our 3-day anniversary.   I can't wait!

 

Anyway, just because I haven't vented about my favorite subject in a while, that doesn't mean it suddenly became easy for a teen princess to like sports without her friends thinking she's psycho!  That's why writing in my sports diary is so special.  It's the only place where I feel truly understood- which is great right about now, because I have some UNBELIEVABLY important issues on my mind...

 

 

 

NFL HALL OF FAME BLAZERS

 

Ohmigawd, can you believe those awful blazers the NFL guys have to wear at the Hall of Fame ceremonies?  They're like, beyond repulsive!  What color is that, anyway?  Faux-yellow?  Whatevs- it's more like barf-beige!  Could you imagine looking that heinous in front of that many people?  It's like the recurring dream I keep having where I'm giving a book report in front of the whole class and I realize I'm wearing pleather!  Whoever forces them to wear those jackets should have to put one on himself and like, go to a restaurant or something so he can see how it feels.  It's like, "I totally played my butt off for 16 years for this?  So I could stand up here and give a speech dressed like some 1970's lounge lizard?"  How rude!

 

Barf-beige blazer

 

 

SPORTS NEWS SHOWS WITH BUSY SCREENS

 

How is a person supposed to follow the sports highlights with all those words and numbers on the screen (especially when she's painting her toenails and texting her girlfriends)?  They're crawling across the bottom; they're going up and down the sides- talk about T.M.I.!  As it is, I buy those cliffy notes so I don't have to read the books my English teacher assigns me, and even then, I have trouble finishing them without stopping six times to complain about how bored I am.  So as you can see, there's just no way I can process all that stuff on the sports news without getting overstipulated.

 

 

 

MATT LEINART GETTING SACKED

 

So I'm watching a football game the other day and this huge black guy runs through the blockers and totally tackles Matt Leinart- before he could throw the ball!!!  Are they even allowed to do that?  'Cuz I'm pretty sure it's against the rules.  So anyway, there he is, fragile Matt Leinart, all crumpled in a heap while this Neanderthog and his buddies high five each other.  I just sat there gnashing my teeth, and the only time I can remember feeling so angry was on my 16th birthday when I wanted a Mercedes, but instead, my dad got me a lousy BMW- and it was only a 3 Series!  I wished him dead at least a thousand times while I cried myself to sleep that night ... but I digrest...  I swear, I wanted to jump through the screen and stomp that guy's scrotum with my Prada heels.  Nobody does that to my Matthew!

"Nobody does that to my Matthew!"

 

 

 

TRADES WITH RIVAL FRANCHISES

 

I'm like, a total baseball historican, so I'm constantly dishing all these facts that a casual fan would never know.  Check this one out:  Before that Baby Ruth guy played for the Yankees and hit all those home runs, he was a thrower for the Boston Bosox!  Can you believe that?  They're totally rivals!  It would be like our quarterback Jimmy Martin suiting up for Mason High!!!  God, how I hate them!  Personally, I don't know how those fans could stand to see him in pinstripes (although they did create a slimming effect which, BTW, he sorely needed).  Wait- actually I do know!  One time, my dork of a little brother switched Ruby's adorable USC chihuahua sweater with one that said UCLA!  The only thing that kept me from wringing his neck was the fact that the Bruin blue complemented her little pink booties.  You know, kind of a springy pastel motif.  I might even dress her in that sweater again on Easter, but that's not the point!  The point is you never trade your greatest player to your archenemies!  

 

 

 

JANET JACKSON'S WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

 

Grrrrrr!  I am so mad at that hussie Janet Jackson!  Thanks to her exhibitionalism, now the Super Bowl people won't let my future husband Justin Timberlake perfom at the halftime show!  Is there no justice?  Was it really asking too much for a grown woman to keep her boob inside her shirt for 5 minutes?  I hope you learned your lesson, Justin, because I am now in the advanced stages of sexy withdrawal.  This is what happens when you get involved with loose women, and I should know.  My ex-ex-boyfriend Josh started going out with that skank Wendy Forrest and guess what- he got crabs! 

 

"Ooooh, that hussie!"

 

 

STEPHON MARBURY'S SHOES

 

Let's chit-chat, 'kay?  And pay attention, too, 'cuz this is like, waaay deep.  There are certain things in the universe that just are, and those things should not be questioned. You know, like Charles Durbin's evolution thingy.  Case in point:  Everybody knows that the purpose of clothing is to separate the hotties from the scabs.  Furthermore, the price of a piece of clothing determines how fashionable it is.  Duh!  How else can you find out who's been naturally selected to look fabulous?  Bottom line?  There is no point in wearing a piece of clothing that doesn't scream, "I'm better than you."  And that is exactly why my feet will NEVER touch a pair of Stephon Marbury shoes.  They cost like, fifteen dollars!  Can you say "garbage?"  Fifteen dollars!  I mean, really.  I guess it's sweet that he wants to help poor kids and all, but if I made a charge that puny on Daddy's credit card, I'd probably die from embarrassment before he even saw the statement.  Do you know what kind of people wear $15 shoes?  People like Kyle Munson, that entirely unnecessary spazz who asked me to prom last year. (Seriously, what was he smoking?)

"You call that fashion?"

 

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

"Epiphany On The Practice Field"

 

As I look upon this solitary clump of feces,

I think to myself, "What a curious species!"

 

Such a vital creation, organic in shell,

But would still come equipped with so filthy a smell

 

-And those horrible fumes, when the wind doth blow,

Should then serve as a signal for creatures so low

 

With their compound eyes and three pairs of legs  

To buzz by in droves and deposit their eggs

 

So that more and more may feed and spawn

Giving rise to new life, like a day by its' dawn

 

And what brings these lamentable thoughts to my mind  

Is the stench from another pile not far behind

 

Which has wafted this way -as such smells often do-  

By the remains transported on the heel of my shoe!

 

After running for miles, I be tempted by wrath-

I've got poo on my shoe, and I, too, need a bath!

 

But I meet my companion with laughter in lung:

'Tis a process of nature- THANK HEAVEN FOR DUNG!

 

 

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff

Confucius say...  

 

...Player who eat Mexican food during training camp run wind sprints to toilet.

 

 

...Athlete who inject steroids soon have pain in the ass when random drug test is administered. 

 

...Man who spend all his time polishing old bowling trophies miss out on trophy wife.

 

...Tour de France cyclists full of carbohydrates, but short on moral fiber.

 

...Only thing more repressive than Communist China is coaching style of Bob Knight.

 

...Careless participant in lumberjack competition get buzz cut.

 

...Man who lacerate hand during rowing event get crew cut.

 

...Jittery top fuel drag racer get dreadlocks.

 

...Bungee jumper who misjudge length of cord get flat top.

 

...Miami Dolphins like aluminum at recycling plant- undergoing meltdown.

 

...Kobe Bryant like Playboy Magazine- many issues.

 

 

...Championship days of Lakers like Ming Dynasty- ancient history.

 

...Mike Tyson like uranium 238- highly unstable.

 

...Philadelphia fans like Mike Tyson- bipolar.

 

...NHL like woman who no use birth control- always going through labor pains.

 

...Performance of Roger Clemens like stadium beer- flat and overpriced.

 

...Home run record of Barry bonds like children of Shawn Kemp- illegitimate.

...When line drive approaches face of Angels pitcher, Scot Shields.

 

...When #1 golfer watch porno, Tiger Woods.

 

...When Japanese home run king reach sexual climax, Sadaharu Oh.

 

...When Brewers phenom got to 2nd base with girl on date, Prince Fielder.

 

...When Bills running back find out Fielder's date was his sister, Marshawn Lynch.

 

 

...When Colts receiver mate with Sasquatch, result is Marvin Harrison.

 

...Open window in home of Saints quarterback Drew Brees.

 

 

...Poker player with many women is five-card stud.

 

 

...Seatbelt in car of franchise player is jock strap.

 

 

...Testicle of San Diego Chicken is fowl ball.

 

 

...Competetive eating on Tivo is re-gurgitation.

 

...Swimmer focused on Olympics have wet dreams.

 

 

...Baseball player involved in threesome turn double play.

 

 

...Softball coach with busy hands receive pinch-hit.

 

...Football player who walk in on wife receiving oral sex from tennis instructor find ineligible man downfield.

 

 

...Baseball player who have sex during picnic hit inside the park home run.

 

 

...Pitches from Johan Santana like limblesss man in swimming pool- both quickly sink.

 

 

...Notre Dame football program like hemophiliac on aspirin- unable to stop bleeding.

...Agent of Pacman Jones like man walking dog in park- must follow closely to clean up messes left behind.

 

...Minnesota Timberwolves like underarms of French woman- much stinky.

 

...Feet of Shaquille O'Neal like toys made in China- filled with lead.

 

...Bill Belichick like urine of dehydrated man- needs to lighten up.

 

...Play of St. Louis Rams like author's portrayal of Confucius- offensive.

 

...Sword of Samurai not as sharp as angles in eyebrows of Herman Edwards.

 

 

Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff