Each morn, our sun makes its' skyward ascension from the east to bestow precious light and heat upon another day in the following will happen:

* Donald Trump's awful hairdo will remain the same

*Ashlee Simpson will mouth the words to another lame song

and

*Richard Simmons will shed tears with another unsuccessful dieter.  

     The common theme here is that life abounds with undeniable certainties.  As we know, sport imitates life, and so does its' propensity for the predictable.  As we also know, gamblers thrive on these tendencies.  

 The following column is a list of 20 "Sure Things" in the world of sports.  If you are a patron of the wagering arts, this is for you.

1.  Shaquille O'Neal will forever treat Kobe Bryant like toilet paper.

2.  Kobe Bryant will continue play the role of the bigger man and pretend the Big Snubber doesn't bother him.

3.  Brett Favre will throw at least one rookie interception per game.

4.  The BCS will never be fully accepted in America.

5.  Lance Armstrong will never be fully accepted in France.

6.  Dennis Rodman will never be fully accepted on Earth.

7.  Someone will always take a pot shot at Donovan McNabb.

8.  The largest gap a running back will find in any defensive line is the one between Michael Strahan's teeth.

9.  There will never be a greater upset than USA Hockey's defeat of the Soviets in 1980.

10.  No one will ever be "the next Michael Jordan".

11.  No one will ever replace Morganna "the Kissing Bandit".

12.  The Yankees will always have the upper hand over the Red Sox.

13.  After Janet Jackson's "boob tube" incident, we will never again see an entertaining Super Bowl halftime show.

14.  Even with a Super Bowl victory, Shaun Alexander and the Seahawks will always be underrated.

15.  Las Vegas will soon have a major pro sports franchise.

16.  Florence, Kentucky will never have a major pro sports franchise.

17.  Performance-enhancing drugs will always be a part of sports.

18.  Reggie Bush has only begun to show his potential.

19.  Pat Riley will eventually pass Colonel Sanders on the all-time list for grease usage.

...and last, but not least...

20.  Cheerleaders, though unnecessary, will always be welcome J

And you can take that to the bank.

Copyright 2005, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"

            A great team environment or athlete is not unlike Chrismakwanzakah.  Possessing the golden touch of an alchemist, each has a propensity for the extraction of superlative generosity.  Alas, like messiahs and shooting stars, their presence blesses us with only the rarest of frequency.

            The ethereal qualities that create this magic are as celebrated as the holidays themselves.  That is why, after a scathing initial blog, I have surrendered my will to the spirit of the season.  Let us now rejoice in a discussion of a few of our favourite protagonists and the things that make them unique.

Here, we see a group of warriors with a fervent belief in the teachings of their coach.  He preaches the gospel of selflessness, and the results (3 Super Bowls in 4 years) are well documented.  Still, none of this is as true a testament to their resolve as their performance this very season.  Early season losses of both games and personnel had the pundits wondering if their magical ride was over.  Well, 4-4 is now a playoff-bound 9-5, and with or without Rodney Harrison, they are appearing more and more like the Patriots of yester-year.  In the fashion of true champions, they have scoffed in the face of adversity and stayed the course.  Do not be surprised if they win their remaining games against the Jets and Dolphins, and do not be surprised if they make a deep post-season run (a Super Bowl victory this year would no doubt be their sweetest of all).  Even a non-fan like myself can appreciate what they've done.  But if all of the above isn't reason enough to embrace them, here is another: Now they're the underdogs.

Like many of you, my main exposure to the Lawrence North HS center has been his recently televised game on ESPN against Dayton Dunbar.  True to the hype, he was nothing short of dominant, logging 23 points, 17 rebounds, and 9 blocks, one of which was so immense he nearly lost his fingers to the propellors of a plane flying above the arena.  Still, the highlight was his pre-game interview, where, when asked about his plans for the game, all he talked about was playing defense.  Defense?  Somebody pinch me!  He sounded too good to be true, and upon further investigation, he is!  Among his favorite players are Tim Duncan because "he is quiet off the court" and Carlos Boozer because he "gets those dirty points, them offensive rebounds."  As a high school junior, he could have been the first person selected in last year's draft, and, if not for the NBA's new age restriction, would have been a lock for the top pick this year.  Not that any of that matters- he wants to go to college (did I mention he has a 3.5 GPA?).  Ohio State, who will instantly become a force in the NCAA tournament, certainly isn't questioning his decision.

Lance's story of survival and philanthropy is well documented.  This year alone, the Lance Armstrong Foundation has raised over $13 million for cancer research and education.  But to truly discuss this man is to discuss the ultimate individual in an underrated team sport.  Lance would go to enormous lengths to tell you his seven Tour De France victories were not accomplished alone, and it would still be an understatement.  His iron will notwithstanding, Lance was a product of the smoothest-running machine the Tour has ever known.  Watching them work together is like watching Picasso as he brushes a masterpiece.  His swan song this year was as much a testimonial to the work of his mates, team director Johan Bruyneel and the multitude of engineers, technicians, mechanics, and chefs as it was a formality.  They serve as a model for envious units to chase as they ride on their own page, far ahead.  And though Lance is gone, "Le Train Bleu" will ride on.  Watch them next summer as a new piece, most likely Yaroslav Popovich, fits neatly into Lance's old spot to become the next yellow jersey threat from the sporting world's most powerful dynasty.

            With the harmony of caroling troubadors, our special athletes demonstrate that the Chrismakwanzakah spirit is alive indeed.  As I prepare to sign off, I am consumed by a warm and fuzzy feeling.  I now extend unto you my seasonal felicitations and bid you adieu.

Copyright 2005, Aidan Acuff, "The Sports Intellectual"