Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Like a winged ninja, I traverse the atmosphere in search of foul smells and athletes to observe- occasionally finding both in the same place. (ba-dum-bum!)  Feeding and spying, spying and feeding, I perdure my lonely existence not by choice, but because the followers of sport need a hero; a hero to make public the otherwise unseen embarrassments of their favorite jocks.  I am The Sports Fly, and my super power, which I gladly wield for you, is that of observation.

.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz... And so begins today's adventure, where we find ourselves tracking young DeQuantae Smoot, a product by-product of big-time NCAA football.  DeQuantae played Defensive End for a BCS school.  He didn't make the NFL, but that won't stop him from becoming an efficacious member of society, as evidenced by his appearance at this job interview.  After all, he did get a college education...

 

.

MANAGER:  So, DeQuantae, I see here where it says degree, you indicated you received a Bachelor of Science, but you didn't list your field of study.

.

DEQUANTAE:  Oh, I ditn't gradulate.  I just wrote BS in there 'cuz I thinks college is, you know, O-VER-RA-TED (CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP).

.

MANAGER:  Overrated, huh?  Tell me, why do you think that?

.

DEQUANTAE:  Um, my reason-ness is that I hat learnt everything I need to know on the football field.

.

MANAGER:  Sounds interesting.  Can you give me an example? 

. 

 

DEQUANTAE:  Hex yeah, dog.  Like teamwork and stuff.

.

MANAGER:  Can you spell teamwork?

.

DEQUANTAE:  T-e-e-m-w-o-r-k-e.  So when do I start?

.

MANAGER:  Tell ya what, DeQuantae- we'll give you a call if we need you.

.

DEQUANTAE:  But I hat forgot to put my phone number on the appacation.

.

MANAGER:  Seriously, don't worry about it.  I don't think you're Burger Barn material.

.

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Ouch!  You figure the guy would at least be able to empty the grease traps or something...  That was fun, I must say, but at burger joints, it's never long before someone tries to flatten me with a waffle on a stick.

. 

waffle on a stick (for the slow kids)

.

Let's blow this joint and check out some guys who actually did make it to the big show.  I've always said there's nothing like the pre-game enthusiasm of elite professional athletes, and the Detroit Lions are huddling in the tunnel right now, about to take the field!

 

.

QB JOHN KITNA:  Well, guys, we're all under contract, so we have to play.  OK, hands in the middle.  "Whatever" on three.  Ready?

.

TEAM:  Meh.

.

KITNA:  One, two, three.

.

TEAM:  Whatever.

 

 

.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Jeez, I saw more life than that in the carcass where my ex-wife laid our eggs.  Things are going downhill so fast, I'm almost afraid to go to my next stop:  the house of recently-humiliated MMA fighter Kimbo Slice, where he quietly sobs while binging on what appears to be sorbet... 

 

.

KIMBO:  I'm a fraud!  (SNIFFLE) I should've known better than to dream big.  It just ends up in heartbreak.  God, why did I let them talk me into this?

.

KIMBO'S GIRLFRIEND:  Come on, Kimbo.  You've been like this for days.  It's not that bad!

.

KIMBO:  Not that bad?  HA!  If you think my backyard fights got a lot of hits, wait till this thing hits the Internet!  The press said it lasted 14 seconds, but they're just being nice.  It really only lasted 12, and if you'd watch the tape like I have for the last six hours, you'd know that! 

.   

 

GIRLFRIEND:  Why are you being so hard on yourself?

.

KIMBO:  Because I lost to a guy with pink hair!  PINK!  As in the same color as vagina!  I can never go out in public again.  You realize this, don't you?  

. 

 

GIRLFRIEND:  Oh, now you're just being dramatic.  Every fighter has to lose sometime.

.

KIMBO:  Not Rocky Marciano.  He went 49-0.

.

GIRLFRIEND:  Yeah, but be realistic.  Rocky Marciano was a highly skilled, well-trained...  never mind...

.

KIMBO:  What?  What were you going to say?  For God's sake, woman- FINISH THE SENTENCE!

.

GIRLFRIEND:  (SLAPS HIM) Stop it!  Just stop it!

.

KIMBO:  Please leave.  I would like to be alone with my sorbet.

.

(GIRLFRIEND EXITS)

.

KIMBO:  Why did she have to (SNIFFLE) hit me so hard?

 

 

.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Aah, it's times like this when I'm thankful for my primitive brain.  Sure, I follow farm animals around and wait for them to do their business, but at least I'll never know what it's like to be so completely emasculated.  I'm not actually sure if a situation to top that one exists!

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Hold on a second- I take it back!  I may have just come across the most entertainingly random encounter our Universe could offer:  Former USC QB Matt Leinart and his perennial understudy Matt Cassel are about to run into each other at a 7-11.  Let's get there ASAP!

 

 

.

CASSELL:  Oh my God!  As I live and breathe, it's Matt Leinart!  How ya doin', old buddy?

.

LEINART:  (CONFUSED)  Uh, hey.  How's it goin'? 

.

CASSEL:  Mmm, just really busy with work lately.  Haven't had time for much else.  You know how it is.

.

LEINART:  I apologize, and I hate to have to ask you this, but have we met?

.

CASSEL:  It's me, Matt Cassel!

.

LEINART:  Still doesn't ring a bell... Of course, I'm terrible with names...

.

CASSEL:  I was your backup at USC, silly!  You called me "Door Matt?"  Remember?

. 

 

LEINART:  Vaguely.  I bonged an awful lot of beers in those days.  Aw, who am I kidding, I bonged a few yesterday- and I'm here to buy beer right now!

.

CASSEL:  Yeah, you didn't pay much attention to me back then, what with winning the Heisman and all...

.

LEINART:  Please, please.  You flatter me, but we both know I was just keeping it warm for Reggie.

.

CASSEL:  So, what have you been doing with yourself these days?

.

LEINART:  Well, you know, I'm playing for the Arizona Cardinals.  Things haven't exactly gone the way I thought they would, but it's really everyone else's fault.  I mean, the coach wants me to learn the system, but those meetings are dreadful.  As soon as they turn the lights off to watch film, I'm out!  I'd like to see him practice legally drunk and make it through a film session!  And on top of that, all the guys tell me their mothers have stronger throwing arms than I do.  Well, you know what I say to that?  Heisman!  So anyway, we got this old dude running our offense.  They say he won a Super Bowl once like a long time ago, so I guess he's not entirely pathetic.  Don't get me wrong, bro, he's a great guy- he's just really, really old.  I guess that's what makes him a "veteran" or whatever.  The bottom line is it's just extremely rare for a quarterback my age to get serious playing time in the NFL.  Oh, but where are my manners?  I swear, the way I prattle on, you'd think I was an immature, self-centered douchebag.  What have you been up to, Mitch?

.

CASSEL:  It's Matt. 

. 

 

LEINART:  Sorry, sorry.  So talk to me!  I want to know everything!

.

CASSEL:  There's not much to tell really.  I'm the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots, and that's about it.

.

(STUNNED, LEINART SAYS NOTHING AS HIS JAW DROPS OPEN)

.

CASSEL:  I know!  Crazy, huh?

.

(LEINART'S FACE TURNS RED AND BEGINS TO TWITCH)

.

CASSEL:  You OK?

.

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz... I once landed in a mug at Oktoberfest and wound up sleeping with a mosquito, and it was nowhere near as awkward as what I just saw.  I need some good old fashioned cheap laughs at someone else's expense.  I'm thinking we should go back to Kimbo's house!

 

.

GIRLFRIEND:  You know what, Kimbo?  This not going out in public business isn't going to be so bad after all.  Heck, I love sorbet just as much as you do.  We can eat it out of the same container with two spoons.  Or better yet, we'll use one spoon, and feed each other... It'll be cute!  Then we can snuggle.  And talk.  I even rented Titanic!

.

(KIMBO STANDS UP AND WALKS TOWARD THE DOOR)

.

GIRLFRIEND:  Where are you going, baby?

.

KIMBO:  To the gym.  Don't wait up.  (EXITS)

 

 

.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz... COOL!  That means we get to see him get his butt kicked again!  And thanks to the stealthy powers of The Sports Fly, we'll probably get to see the post-fight waterworks from behind closed doors.

.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz... That's all for now, but fear not, citizens of the Sports World.  Wherever there are unsanitary conditions and athletes in need of ridicule, The Sports Fly will be there!  So until next time, BUZZ OFF!!!

.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

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Copyright 2008, Aidan Acuff

"A Portrait Of Someone You've Met"  

 

It was clear that the guy knew it all

To the sports shows, he'd constantly call

And his opening line

Let his ignorance shine:

"I played a little high school ball"

 

"I scored four touchdowns in one game at Polk High"

 

.

"Mixed Messages:  Tragedy On The Third Base Line"  

 

Just outside of the infield grass

Stood a coach with a signal to pass 

But the sign he would hang

Matched the mark of a gang

And he left with a cap in his ass

 

 

 

"Organized Crime"  

 

With his prison sentence now gone,

A grifter in search of a con

Bought an NFL team

And when fans came to scream,

He charged them 3 bills thereupon

 

 

"Mr. Bean And The Magical Fruit"

 

At the end of an overtime game,

Kobe's wife found his humor "sooo lame."

She said, "You in the mood

For some Mexican food?"

He said, "Bean is my middle name!"

 

Kobe Bean Bryant

 

 

"Lamentations Of A Major League Virgin"

 

Billy groaned, "On the field, I'm an ace,

But with women, I feel out of place  

With a few more swings,

I'll be home run king,

But I've yet to get past second base!"

 

 

 

"When Fans (Should) Attack"  

 

"Touchdown! I'm the man!" Andre squealed,  

And with that, his new dance was revealed.

Hand on crotch, he did skip  

Did a split, did a flip  

Then proceeded to dry-hump the field

 

 

Meanwhile, 200 feet away...

 

"That baby belongs in a diaper,"  

Said a fan in the stands named Jim Piper  

"Now he's blowing a kiss-

Ooh, it's times like this

I regret not becoming a sniper!"

 

 

.

 

. 

"A Banquet Of Poor Decorum"

 

They announced him as Surfer of the Year.  

"Nice job, bra," said a friend in his ear.  

Nearly crazy he went:

"It's a formal event!

Please refer to me as 'brazier!'"

 

"Duuude, call me brazier!"

 

 

"There's No Crying In Baseball... Or Is There?"

 

The Astros placed catcher Tyrelle

On the 15-day DL

For his feelings were hurt

By a pitcher named Burt,

And he just wasn't coping too well

 

 

 

"There's One At Every Job"

 

An artsy scoreboard engineer 

Watched the touchdown cartoon of a peer

And he said with a sigh

As the end drew nigh

"There's no conflict or back story here."

 

"I hope you're trying to be ironic..."

 

 

"Attendance = 18,997... Actual Fans = 25"

 

In L.A., the world's stupidest city,  

At a Laker game (front row) sat Kitty,

And when asked her fav player,

She said, "What do I care?

I'm just here to be seen looking pretty."

 

"Oh my God, is it over yet?"

 

.

 

"1-900-Injured Reserve"

 

A goalie afraid of rejection

Called a hotline to get an erection

And what started out flirty

Soon became so dirty,

He was benched with an ear infection

 

 

 

"Cast Out (Of A Baseball Movie)"

 

An underweight actor named Matt  

Lost a role and was given this chat:

"We don't mean to sound cruel,

.

 But it's a Hollywood rule-

Catchers must be depicted as fat"

Exhibit A:  John Candy in Brewster's Millions (which, of course, was a remake)

Exhibit B:  Bad News Bears (also a remake) Notice the mitt and backwards cap

 

 

Exhibit C:  The Sandlot (Guess which one is the catcher...)

.

.

 

"At The Book Signing Of A Mainstream Sports Writer"

 

"Nice to meet you, I'm glad you could come!

So what brings you down here today, chum?"

"You've inspired me so!

I'm a blogger, you know..."

.

"Forget what I said.  You're scum."

"Peasants.  What gives them the right to touch a keyboard?" 

.

.

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Copyright 2008, Aidan Acuff

 

Greetings, and welcome again to The Sports Intellectual Report, where legitimate sports news comes to die.  I'm Aidan Acuff, and I once achieved a QB rating of 158.4  :)

.

And now for the X's and O's.

Combustible NASCAR driver Tony Stewart was passed on the final turn and beaten to the finish line by Regan Smith during Sunday's Sprint Cup race at Talladega.  Officials later ruled that Smith went below the yellow apron line to make the pass and awarded the victory to Stewart, thus allowing the world to see how anger management classes have simmered his legendary temper.  Stewart admitted after the race that he considered starting a fistfight with Smith on pit road, but instead opted to remove him from his T-Mobile fav 5 list.

 

This just in:  NASCAR has fined Tony Stewart $50,000 for mentioning T-Mobile at an event sponsored by Sprint.

Meanwhile, fellow driver Jamie McMurray will legally change his name this winter to Jamie Mack Murray because he says that's how all his fans pronounce it anyway.  Sources close to McMurray have confirmed that newly re-named Bengals wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco gave him a phone call to offer his unconditional support.

    

             Jamie Mack Murray                 The Narcissist Formerly Known as Chad Johnson

.

In other Bengals news, a report by professional scatologist has determined that of all the types of excrement in the animal kingdom, the team's play this season most closely resembles caribou dung.

 

Also from the NFL, Adam "Pacman" Jones of the Dallas Cowboys is finally speaking out about being a TNA wrestler during his season-long suspension last year.  Jones, a frequent punchline not known for his sparkling intellect, said that he enjoyed his time in professional wrestling because "People really took me seriously there."

 

This just in:  Upon learning of his $50,000 fine for mentioning T-Mobile at a Sprint Cup event, Tony Stewart has gone on a rampage and is destroying a hospitality tent at this very moment.  We'll keep you posted as the story develops.

 

Well, it appears that even from beyond the grave, NBA great Wilt Chamberlain is still making headlines.  Apparently, Chamberlain not only slept with 20,000 women, but also fathered over 18,000 children.  As a result, his estate has been named in a first-of-its-kind legal case filed last week in Los Angeles County: a class-action paternity suit.  No word yet on whether a variation of the famous "if the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit" defense will be used...   

Prolific AND Potent!

 

And in South Bend, Indiana, Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis became involved in a lawsuit of his own- albeit as the plaintiff- when he filed suit against the International House of Pancakes.  According to court documents obtained by TSI, Weis claims that IHOP creates a "hostile eating environment" by serving their delicious pancakes on plates whose circumference is barely larger than the pancakes themselves, thereby allowing no room for "syrup overflow".  Weis refused to talk about the case, but his attorney did release this brief statement:  "This is not about money.  It's about a man's right to have a moat around his pancakes."

 

This just in:  Tony Stewart has been removed from the scene at Talladega in a straight jacket.  He will be taken to a local hospital for overnight observation, then re-admitted into anger management.  We wish him the best.  

 

And that's The Sports Intellectual Report for this week.   Thanks for watching, and be sure to tune in next week for a behind-the-scenes look at the wives of professional athletes without their makeup.

 

I'm Aidan Acuff, and that's the final buzzer.

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.

Copyright 2008, Aidan Acuff

Toomuchcoffee!

 

WOW!!!Ijustdrankwaaaaytoomuchcoffee,man!IknewIshouldn'thaveorderedthat7thcupofthedarkestroasttheyhadatTheCoffeeBean...andIdefinitelyshouldn'thavehadthemthrowinthatextrashotofespresso!NowI'vegotallthisnervousenergyandmymindisracingwithunresolvedsportsissues...likemybeefwiththe"sport"ofhorseracing.OnceIwaswatchingthefanfarebeforeaTripleCrownraceandIchangedthechannelforaminutetocheckthescoreofagameIwaswatchingandwhenIturnedbacktheracewasalreadyover!OfcoursethisneverhappenswhenIwatchaNASCARrace.Icanturnawayandwatchsomethingelseforacoupleofminutes,thenturnbackforawhiletoseehowmyfavoritedriversaredoing.PlusInevermisstheend!Anditisforthisreasonthattelevisedhorseracesshouldbelike500mileslong.WhyismarijuanaconsideredabannedsubstanceattheOlympicGames?It'snotlikeitenhancesyourathleticperformanceoranything.NowsteroidsandHGHIcanunderstand(oranythingthatcanmakeachickgrowasetofballs),butnotpot.HellanyspeedadvantageyoucouldgainbysheddingafewbraincellswouldbemorethanoffsetbytheTwinkiesyou'dinevitablydevour.IsayifyoucanwinanOlympiceventwhilesimultaneouslylivingthestonerlifestylethenmorepowertoyou,myfriend.Andyouknowwhatelse?IfsomeonecantakesteroidsorEPOoramphetaminesandstilleludedetectionthendoesn'tthatinsomewaymakehimorherawinner?ItremindsmeofthephilosophyIhadinschool.I'vealwaysmaintainedthatstudentsgetthegradestheydeserve.Inotherwords,ifyou'recleverenoughtocheatonatestandgetawaywithit,thenyoudeservetogetanAonthattest!Afterall,noteverybodycanbeagradecurvewreckerlikemeJButthetruthis,IslackedoffinhighschoolbecauseIknewIwouldscorehighenoughonmyACTstogetintocollege.InfactoneofmyfavoritejokesIalwaystellis:"IgotintocollegewithD's...Deeeznuuuuts!!"Orbetteryet,Isayjustleveltheathleticplayingfieldentirelyandletallthesejockspumpthemselvesfullofwhateverchemicallyalteringsubstancetheycanfind.Itwouldsettheworldofathleticsasweknowitonitsear!Idon'twanttoseeabunchofpeopleIcanrelatetooutthere.Givememutants!MUTANTS!!!Iwanttoseethirdarmsandtails!Iwantbaldwomenwithchesthair!Iwantthe100metersin7.5seconds!Iwanta3minutemileanda30footpolevault!!Letthemdamagethemselvesiftheywantto.What'simportantisthatIbeentertained,andthewaythingsarerightnow,abunchofsillyrulesaredeprivingsomeperfectlygoodsportsfansoftheirrighttostareslackjawedatthosewhoarefreakishlydifferent.Maybeit'sthecoffeetalking,butnotallowingathletestotakealltheperformanceenhancingdrugstheycangettheirhandsonislikeputtingtintedwindowsontheshortbus...It'snotfairtotherestofus!!!Speakingofrulesthatdon'tmakesense,whyisitpostedinrestaurantbathroomsthatallemployeesmustwashtheirhandsbeforereturningtowork?Shouldn'tthatalsoapplytothecustomersbeforetheyreturntoeat?Ofcourse,thisopensupadeeperphilosophicalquestionabouthandwashing.Yousee,onceIsawthisterriblemadeforTVmovieaboutGeorgeForemanandhewasleavingthebathroomafterpeeingandhewalkedrightpasthisfriendatthesink,whoasked,"Aren'tyougoingtowashyourhands?"andGeorgesaid,"IwashmyhandsbeforeItouchmydick."Andyouknow,thatreallymadesensetomebecausedoyoureallywanttobetouchingyourmanjunkafteraharddayoflandscapingorworkingonyourcarorsomething?Still,that'sexactlywhatalotofguysdo!Anyway,allthistalkaboutpeeingjustmademerealizethatIhaven'tgonetothebathroomoncesinceIstarteddrinkingallthiscoffee,andnowit'sstartingtorunrightthroughme!Oh,crap!IjustwetmyselfalittlebitandifIdon'tgonow,andImeannow,Imightnotmakeit!I'lltrytowashbeforehand,buttheremaynotbetime! Seeyalater!Gottago!!!

.

.

.

"The Good With The Bad:  Technology In The Early 21st Century"

 

I love high-def games,

But my plasma screen broadcasts

In walleye-vision

 

My plasma screen does this... does yours?

 

 

"Manly Thoughts On Football"  

 

Football is for men!  

Give me "frozen tundra" games!

(When I'm on my couch)

 

 

 

"How To Get Nowhere Fast"

 

Floor it in neutral

And you'll get the same result  

As a conf'rence spat

  

         

"My conferenc is better!"   "No, MY conference is better!"   " No, MINE is!"          

 

 

 

THE JADED SPORT FAN'S BIBLE

 

BOOK I

"VENTING TO THE MAN UPSTAIRS"

 

Verse 1:

"I Swear To God, If I Hear That Phrase One More Time..."

 

Sports talk.  So clich