Click.  Whirr.  I am RoboGordon, fully automated Driverbot and officially licensed product of the NASCAR Corporation.  Dupont.  My serial number is PL-638-RS-28981-0262-LJR-6277.  I am programmed to verbalize the name of at least one sponsor per 3.715 second time interval.  Nicorette.  

Dvvvvt.  Chevrolet.  I am a third-generation cybermerchant, constructed by Clonetech, a subsidiary of Hendrick Motorsports.  My design is similar to that of the original Compu-racer prototype, first introduced in the 1970's.  Dupont.  However, my central processing unit is equipped with a reaction-time accelerator chip that allows me to insert the names of my sponsors into an interview at a rate 47.89621312 percent faster than that of the earliest Compu-racer models, the Pettymatic X-43 and the Yarbroughtron, whose primitive binary circuitry produced a sponsorship verbalization rate of only once every 7.13 seconds.  The improved reaction time has also helped my driving ability, but this side-effect is purely secondary to my original marketing function.  Tyvek.  Sparkle.

Brrap.  In addition to this, my 5000-gigabyte Clonetech database gives me a sponsorship information capacity 250,000 times greater than my immediate predecessor, the Waltrip Dewdroid.  Bosch spark plugs.  And finally- GMAC- my titanium framework allows me to withstand high-speed multicar collisions without sustaining any damage to my internal human organs.  Nextel.  The result is a 78.368 greater chance of race survival so that I may continue to live, breathe, and advertise.  Dupont.  Nicorette. 

Tick.  Tick.  Though I serve primarily as a billboard with speech capabilities, my creators were kind enough to program me with just enough artificial intelligence to experience certain forms of mortal pleasure.  For example, each time I win a race, I am rewarded- Goodyear- with an oil bath and three hours of interface time with my favorite computer program, "Virtual Reality Girls Of NASCAR" (all of whom are dressed in the attire of my favorite sponsors).  Quaker State.   

Nnnnn.  Drink Pepsi. 

Phzzt!  Warning!  Warning!  System overload!  New sponsors being annexed too quickly for adequate downloading of all necessary corporate information!  Circuits overheating!  Self-destruct sequence initiated!

DupontNicoretteChevrolet! DupontNicoretteChevrolet!  DupontNicoretteChevrolet!  DupontNicoretteChevrolet!  DupontNicore-

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Copyright 2007, Aidan Acuff