Greetings, and welcome again to The Sports Intellectual Report, where legitimate sports news comes to die.  I'm Aidan Acuff, and I once achieved a QB rating of 158.4  :)

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And now for the X's and O's.

Combustible NASCAR driver Tony Stewart was passed on the final turn and beaten to the finish line by Regan Smith during Sunday's Sprint Cup race at Talladega.  Officials later ruled that Smith went below the yellow apron line to make the pass and awarded the victory to Stewart, thus allowing the world to see how anger management classes have simmered his legendary temper.  Stewart admitted after the race that he considered starting a fistfight with Smith on pit road, but instead opted to remove him from his T-Mobile fav 5 list.

 

This just in:  NASCAR has fined Tony Stewart $50,000 for mentioning T-Mobile at an event sponsored by Sprint.

Meanwhile, fellow driver Jamie McMurray will legally change his name this winter to Jamie Mack Murray because he says that's how all his fans pronounce it anyway.  Sources close to McMurray have confirmed that newly re-named Bengals wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco gave him a phone call to offer his unconditional support.

    

             Jamie Mack Murray                 The Narcissist Formerly Known as Chad Johnson

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In other Bengals news, a report by professional scatologist has determined that of all the types of excrement in the animal kingdom, the team's play this season most closely resembles caribou dung.

 

Also from the NFL, Adam "Pacman" Jones of the Dallas Cowboys is finally speaking out about being a TNA wrestler during his season-long suspension last year.  Jones, a frequent punchline not known for his sparkling intellect, said that he enjoyed his time in professional wrestling because "People really took me seriously there."

 

This just in:  Upon learning of his $50,000 fine for mentioning T-Mobile at a Sprint Cup event, Tony Stewart has gone on a rampage and is destroying a hospitality tent at this very moment.  We'll keep you posted as the story develops.

 

Well, it appears that even from beyond the grave, NBA great Wilt Chamberlain is still making headlines.  Apparently, Chamberlain not only slept with 20,000 women, but also fathered over 18,000 children.  As a result, his estate has been named in a first-of-its-kind legal case filed last week in Los Angeles County: a class-action paternity suit.  No word yet on whether a variation of the famous "if the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit" defense will be used...   

Prolific AND Potent!

 

And in South Bend, Indiana, Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis became involved in a lawsuit of his own- albeit as the plaintiff- when he filed suit against the International House of Pancakes.  According to court documents obtained by TSI, Weis claims that IHOP creates a "hostile eating environment" by serving their delicious pancakes on plates whose circumference is barely larger than the pancakes themselves, thereby allowing no room for "syrup overflow".  Weis refused to talk about the case, but his attorney did release this brief statement:  "This is not about money.  It's about a man's right to have a moat around his pancakes."

 

This just in:  Tony Stewart has been removed from the scene at Talladega in a straight jacket.  He will be taken to a local hospital for overnight observation, then re-admitted into anger management.  We wish him the best.  

 

And that's The Sports Intellectual Report for this week.   Thanks for watching, and be sure to tune in next week for a behind-the-scenes look at the wives of professional athletes without their makeup.

 

I'm Aidan Acuff, and that's the final buzzer.

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Copyright 2008, Aidan Acuff