Musings: A Dream NFL Matchup, By Coby DuBose, 12/20/05

The talk of the 2005 NFL season has been dominated by two of the league's 32 teams, but for very different reasons. While the Colts lost on Sunday in their bid for continued perfection, they have been the class of the NFL this season, rolling over opponents at an alarming rate. The only thing more impressive than the Colts' dominance has been the ineptitude of the Houston Texans. The 49ers and Packers have been terrible, but neither has found a propencity for losing like that of the hapless Texans. Head Coach Dom Capers has been key in the season, which appears to be a crusade for the #1 draft pick. Whether they throw interceptions or their kicker botches a game-tying field goal in a way that only Jean Vandevelde(see British Open, Troon) could imagine, the losses have certainly been painful for all fans of the franchise. This weekend, they switched places with the Colts though, winning their 2nd game, while the Colts found a way to lose. To this point, I pose a question. Are the Texans better than the Colts? Today, I ran a simulation in order to answer that question. No, I did not use a popular computer program or XBOX 360 to run this simulation, I did it the American way, and settled it on the field. I invited my 9 year old cousin over to the house to partake in some American football. Here's how it went down.

The Texans, standing all of 4-9 and 85 pounds, came in beaming with confidence over their second win of the season. The Six feet, two inch Colts, weighing around 200 pounds, had a very different idea. The Texans received the opening kickoff, returning it a staggering seven yards before stepping on a pine comb. After seven minutes of bruising tackling and hard running, the Colts had racked up a 179-3 lead over the Texans, who were left without answers. When the Colts spiked the ball in the face of the young Texans after their 23rd touchdown, the entire Houston team decided to cry about a skinned knee, call their mom, and head home. That's right, complete and utter domination. Take that, Texans. Next week, we will preview the Patriots versus the 49ers. My 11 year old neice is already talking smack. Bring it on, Cindy.