He's more American than me

Is there anything Albert Pujols can't do? He's won an MVP, he's won a batting title, he's won a World Series, he's the face of baseball, and now he's scored a perfect 100 on his US citizen's test. I looked over a sample of the test and it isn't that hard, but I'm sure I wouldn't score a perfect score. Some of the questions were really stupid, like number 23 was how many government branches are there and number 24 was what are the name of the 3 government branches. Come on, even Vince Young would have gotten that one right and we all know his test taking abilities. I do have some speculation about this, has Pujol's personal citizenship coach been mentioned in any sealed affidavits.

He's Gay, really?

John Amaechi is gay. When I first heard that I said, who the hell is John Amaechi and why should I care if he's gay or not. I don't understand why this is such a big deal but what can you do. Everyone's looking for a story. What I love is hearing some of the opinions players have of this situation. Here are some quotes.

Steven Hunter 76ers
"For real? He's gay for real? Nowadays it's proven that people can live double lives. I watch a lot of TV, so I see a lot of sick perverted stuff about married men running around with gay guys and all types of foolishness."

Ray Allen Sonics
"You don't want to know that there is somebody in your locker room and you are not aware of it. And maybe you had to be careful being where you put yourself in a situation where you might get hit on by a teammate."

LeBron James Cavs
"It's something I'd have to evaluate. You take showers together, you're on the bus, you talk about things. With teammates, you have to be trustworthy. If you're gay and you're not admitting that you are, you're not trustworthy. It's the locker room code; it's a trust factor".

Shavlick Randolph 76ers
"As long as you don't bring your gayness on me I'm fine,"

Why even go to LeBron for a comment? That's one of those things about professional sports that separates it from the "real world." In what other capacity would you ask a 22-year-old male with a less than cosmopolitan upbringing and a high school education for his opinion on gay people? And Shavlick, what would you do if someone brought their gayness on you? That's one of the most common misconceptions heterosexual males have with gay males, they think every single gay man is attracted to them.

But to quote Dunder Mifflin Regional Manager Michael Scott,

"Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexicanity is what defines you."

Some more trouble in Southern Cal

Southern California is looking into whether it may have violated NCAA recruiting rules while pursuing highly rated recruit Joe McKnight, a university official said. McKnight signed a national letter of intent with USC on Wednesday and made comments during a news conference that seemed to suggest communications involving former Trojan Reggie Bush, who is now with the New Orleans Saints. You're kidding me right. The only thing that happened was that Bush talked to McKnight. He didn't give him money, gifts, a car, or even a great deal on a house. All they did was talk. But here comes the big bad NCAA who wants to control every single thing. What about Deon Sanders talking to Noel Devine about not making a decision until he visits Deon's Alma Matta, Florida State? Seems like the same thing to me. And Reggie Bush should just stay away from USC football for a while, his squeaky clean image is taking a hit.

Americas Team has a new coach

Jerry Jones has made his decision and has hired former San Diego Chargers Defensive Coordinator Wade Phillips. I like this hire, he turned San Diego into one of the top defenses in the league and I don't see why he can't do the same in Dallas. They have some great talent on the defense; look for Demarcus Ware to play the same role as Shawn Merriman. But now the question will arise to whether Phillips will stay for the long haul or is he just there for a couple of seasons until Jason Garrett is ready to take over. I don't know what will happen but it seems really strange to me that the head coach wouldn't decide who his offensive coordinator would be. It just seems a little fishy.

Thanks for reading,

Santini

What's the latest fad for pro athletes? No, not spend millions of dollars on things they will never use. But it's writing a children's book. That's right, professional athletes have found their inner Dr.Seus and have begun to write stories for young kids. I have a question, do you guys even think the athletes write the books. I highly doubt it. I can bet you anything someone in the Rosenhous family wrote

Terrell Owens kid's book "Little T Learns to Share."    

 

Alex Rodriguez is the next athlete to join the fad. His children's book, entitled "Out of the Ball Park" is the story of a second baseman named Alex who makes an error in a key playoff game and -- get this -- begins to play worse because he's putting so much pressure on himself. Where have we seen this before? The book, which will be simultaneously published in Spanish, also includes a Rodriguez "scrapbook," featuring photos of A-Rod as a baby, a Little Leaguer and even one of him preparing for his first school dance in junior high. 

 

What I get a laugh at is not that A-Rod is writing a Children's book, but it's when he says this "I wanted children to see that if an underdog like me can make it, so can they". Tell me, how are you an underdog Alex? You were the first pick in your draft. You, Jeter and Nomar were immediately named the shortstops of the future. If you would've stayed at SS, you would've shattered the record for most HRs by a SS. You're listed at 6'3", 225 pounds. You've won the AL MVP twice, and last year, you hit 35 homeruns and that was

considered a down year. Again, how are you an underdog?  

 

Anyways, I have a couple other questions for A-Rod concerning his new book.   

 

Out of the ballpark, huh? That book must be about the regular season then right?   

 

Does the kid in the story also pay millions to motivational speakers and psychologists to boost his self-esteem?  

 

Who's going to read you the Spanish version Alex?

 

Is there a scene where Lil Alex slaps the snow cone out of an opposing players hand after or during the game? 

Wouldn't the more accurate title for your book be Out of the Closet?

Is Little Alex also an Underdog? If so, does he live in a huge mansion in Miami and has lots of butlers because nothing says Underdog like living in one of the most expensive places in Miami.   

Here are two titles I had in mind that would be great Children's Books.

"I thought they were Raisins" By Barry Bonds

"Out Of the Closet, Into the Anus", a collection of essays by Sheryl Swoops, Kordell Stewart, Jeff Garcia, Johnnie Morton, and Mike Piazza. Free with the purchase of king Snickers bar.        

Once again everyone wants to place all the blame on the losing quarterback and all the credit on the winning quarterback. It's laughable, it really is. Perhaps we shouldn't be surprised, given that our society has evolved in to one that feels it is our right to sue for any thing that does not go our way.

Granted, the QB is by far the most important player on the field. But football is a game with 22 starters. It's the ultimate team sport. You know the motto, you win as a team, you lose as a team.

A basketball player represents 20% of his starting team; a quarterback is 4.5% of a starting NFL team. Yet we give far more slack to hoop players who don't win the NBA championship than losing SB quarterbacks. Just look at how we looked at Manning and Elway before they won a championship, and the way we (don't) look at Dan Fouts.

And calling Rex Grossman the worst quarter back in Super Bowl history is just stupid. How about Craig Morton, Rich Gannon, Ben Roethsberger, Earl Morrall, and Craig Morton. They also had pretty bad games. But here we go, blaming a guy who's made it through his full first year and led his team to the Super Bowl. Many people said that as long as Rex was QB, the Bears would never go to the Super Bowl. Well, there wrong (I'm one of those) The primary blame/credit to this game was the Bears defensive line/Colts offensive line. But since most of us don't know those guys, we focus on the QB.

My Super Bowl MVP: Jeff Saturday

Who's Next?

With Peyton Manning winning the Super Bowl, he is no longer the best quarterback never to win the big game. I know the people at ESPN must be hurt by this, but it's time for someone to inherit the throne left by Manning. And who's that quarterback; it's none other than Donavan Mcnabb. He's been to a couple of conference championships and has even been to a Super Bowl, but he has yet to win one. Whose next if the Eagles win the Super Bowl next year or anytime soon. It's Carson Palmer.

The Purple One

I think Prince did a pretty good job. It's a bit tough to perform in the rain, honestly. Prince is generally regarded as one of the best performers in the business. His concerts are always more than an hour (an oddity nowadays), and he's big on theatrics. You lose a lot with the medley format they insist on during the halftime shows.

Now, as far as other acts, the NFL, after the Jackson incident, goes for acts who will appeal to the 30s and 40s crowd and who will be uncontroversial. Is the NFL out of touch? Probably. But is there really anything current on the music scene that would be better? Does anyone want to see nickelback? I sure as hell don't. How about Kelly Clarkson? Maybe with the TV on Mute. I just don't see a whole lot of 'safe' alternatives to the classic acts they generally have

Check out this from The Detroit News

Cedric Everson, a 6-foot, 170-pound defensive back from Detroit Mumford, changed his commitment from Georgia Tech to MSU on Friday.

Everson, ranked No. 16 on The Detroit News Blue Chip list and a member of The News' Dream Team last fall, will sign a national letter-of-intent with MSU on Wednesday morning at his high school.

Everson committed to Georgia Tech last October but became concerned with the coaching staff there when it was learned offensive coordinator Patrick Nix left the school to take the same position at Miami (Fla.).

Let me get this straight, you're concerned about the stability of the coaching staff at GT so you select MSU instead??? You've got to freaking (expletive)ting me for someone to suggest such a thing makes me think this kid isn't very bright. Take into account that a DEFENSIVE player was concerned about losing the OFFENSIVE coordinator.

Perhaps academics are the real reason and he came up with that BS about the coaching staff.

From the Diary of Chris Fowler, November 25, 2006

"Diary, Kirk played another practical joke on me today. See, we were both invited to this big award show and Kirk had offered me a ride. Right at that moment, I almost wet myself because I was so excited. To be in the same car as Herbie and to have an actual conversation with him; well that would be a dream come true. He told me to be ready by 6:00, so before I got dressed I brushed up on my Hiesman history just in case I had to save Kirk from saying something stupid. I put on my ESPN jacket, which was freshly ironed by my mother early in the day. So I got out side and waited, and waited, and waited until it was 10:00 in the pouring rain when I saw a limo pulling up on my drive way. I knew it was Kirk's. He had told me that he got lost on the way to my house so he went to the award show without me. I knew he was lying. I was so hurt that I ran into my house and started crying my eyes out; then I met my two best friends, Ben and Jerry. Diary, next time I will be the one pulling a prank on Kirk. Any ideas???"

From the Diary of Little T, January 31, 2007

"Diary, I went to Jeff's house today but it wasn't fun at all. We went up to his room and he started touching all my private parts. I was really scared diary but Jeff had this weird smile on his face as though he's done this before. He even offered me some Flintstone vitamins but I declined because I had previously had a bad experience with them. After that horrible experience, I went to Old Cranky Bill's house. Man, that guy is probably older then George Washington."

From the Diary of Eli Manning, January 28, 2007

"Diary, Coach Tom keeps telling me to be like my older brother. To be a leader on and off the field like my big bro, and blah, blah, blah. I usually wander off whenever I hear Peyton's name in a sentence. And I don't know why he keeps telling me that I should be a leader because that wasn't part of the trade. I came to NY for the bright lights and fame; leadership will have to wait. Tom's always up my (expletive); he makes Hitler look like Mickey Mouse. And this week all I've been hearing is Peyton this and Peyton that. When will someone ask about Eli, when will someone worry about Eli? When Diary, when?"

From the Diary of Dick Vitale, January 29, 2007

"HEY DIARY, HOW YOU DOIN? We got some great dipper dandies this year. We got the man from Texas, Kevin Durant and we have the very old man from Ohio State, Greg Oden. I swear I saw Oden play when I was 20 years old, I even think I coached him. Baseball's coming back Diary and I can root for the DRAYS. THE DRAYS DIARY ARE AWSOME BABY. I had a mini heart attack today during one of the broadcast; looks like my yelling has finally caught up to me. BUT I'M AWSOME DIARY, I'M AWSOME."

From the Diary of George Mitchell, January 29, 2007

"Diary, I'm really scared. Congress is threatening me to give them some names but I can't get any. The only ones I've gotten so far are either dead or have nothing to do with the game of baseball. The owners are so mean, they won't give me anything. Something about others not knowing their past mistakes; that's why they won't give me any names. And sometimes at night, right after I call Bud for our nightly talk, I hear a noise in the backward. Diary, I swear that congress is sending a hit man to get me and I'm scared. Save Me Please!!!!"

From the Diary of Brady Quinn, January 27, 2007

"The draft is almost coming up diary and some experts are saying that I will end up in Detroit. God I hope not; you can automatically label me a draft bust if I'm drafted by Millen. My sister and AJ are doing pretty well but I can't believe she married that guy. I thought Neanderthals died out centuries ago. Anyways, I get a laugh when people say I'm this years Matt Lienart because I might fall to the late first round. All I have to say is that they hate the beautiful people. There can't be any other explanation."

I'm a big movie buff and this time of the year is oscar season. Now what I hate the most about the oscars are the accpetance speeches. They are usually too short or just plain boring, So I decided to make a couple speeches of my own that I think could brighten the mood in Hollywood.

Best Male Supporting Actor- Mark Sweeny for "It wasn't me"- "First off, I would like to thank the maintenance staff of the San Francisco Giants for keeping my locker so clean, without you Barry wouldn't have been able to find those greenies and none of this would have been made possible. I would also like to thank Barry, even though you blamed me on your positive test, I still hold you with the highest regard. Without you, no one would have known who I was, so I thank you for that. It has also been a dream of mine to be involved in a banned substance scandal with baseballs must hated man and now I am." (walks off the stage, tears in his eyes.)

Best actress, musical or comedy: Maria Sharapova for "Australian Heat- Round One"- "I'm so excited you liked the match, there really was something for everyone. There was the drama of my tummy ache, which the trainer later told me was an injury to my 'pride.' Where is my pride? I'm still learning the language, you know?"

Best Foreign Film- Sammy Sosa's "Conversaciones con los Rangers "- I sorre, me no speako english very good. I wil try to speako a little bit. Me thanks Texass for giving me a contract, no one else would. Sorre, me no know any mor english." Walks off the stage, starts a conversation in perfect english with Mark McGuire who's also nominated tonight for "The past is overrated".

Best Actor- Drama- Nick Saban for "Alabama Man"- "Wow, this is such a great honor. Who to thank, well there's of course the Miami Dolphins for sticking by me for those two great years. Who else? The reporters from Miami, I thank you to. My acting towards you in the press conferance, saying that I would never leave Miami, probably won me this award. Who else, well there's the university of Alabama for actually believing that I'm staying in that school for 10 years (Saban starts laughing quietly). And I would also like to thank (phone rings). Excuse me while I take this call. Hello, yea, you got the deal done. Great news my man, great news. Well that was my agent and I would like to announce here on the stage of the golden globes that I have accepted the position at Dallas and therefore re-sign as the head coach of Alabama. The time we had has been great but it's time for bigger and better things."

Best Picture- Drama-"The Handshake"- accepting the award are the movies stars, Eric Mangini and Bill Bellichek. Mangini starts talking. " Who would have thought that one handshake would have won me this award. I was mad at Bellichek for turning his shoulder when I was trying to talk to him but now I understand it was all part of his plan. Isn't that right, Bill" Bill-"silent, (expletive) look on his face". Eric again-"no wonder they call you a genius, so little words but the effect is still great."

Best Picture -Comedy or Musical- "The life story of T.O as told by Terrell Owens."- directed by Drew Rosenhous, produced by John Rosenhous, written by Tom Rosenhous, starring Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight guy as Jeff Garcia, Fat (expletive) from the Austin Powers movies as Andy Reid, Mo'Nique from the Parkers as Donavan McNabb, Bill Parcells making a guess appearance as himself, Masi Oka from Heroes as Tony Romo, and of course, the man, the myth, the legend, Terrell Owens starring as himself. This story is told on the side of Terrell Owens and all the actors chosen to play a specific character where specifically chosen by Terrell. Here he is to accept the award." Oh my god, I didn't expect this at all. What can you say of the life I have? Well, I have to thank ESPN, without you no would know what I was doing 24/7. I also would like to thank the pill company, without my fake suicide I wouldn't have gotten that brilliant publicity. I would like to thank the Rosenhous' for basically making the movie for me, I am glad the people now know the truth and don't have to speculate about anything. But I did find a couple of lines of mine being misquoted but we'll deal with that later. And of course, Kim Etheridge. Kim, with your genius words, I was made a star. 25 million reasons to live, I'm glad we practiced it before you went on. It just sounded so realistic. Thank you all for this award, I just hope I don't drop it."

Anyways, those where just some speeches I had in mind

Former N.C. State coach Chuck Amato is returning to Florida State to join the new and improved staff of Bobby Bowden. Amato previously spent 18 years at FSU under Bowden during the 80s and 90s. And you want to know what he's title is, excutive head coach and linebacker coach. Just if you're wondering, executive head coach is one step lower than Senior Vice President of Head Coaching and Chief Operator of Head Coaching.

I guess Chuckie clicking the heals together of those ugly (expletive) red shoes he wore at NC State finally paid off..."There's no place like home, there's no place like home..." (Coming out of dream sequence music)

Bobby Bowden: Chuckie, say something, you got knocked out and haven't woken up in almost 7 seven years.

Chuckie: Is that you Papa? Wow, I had a crazy dream. I dreamed I left here. I took a position at NC State (groans from all around Chuckie's bed), I dreamed I was a head football coach (groans turn to cackles).

Bobby: That's a good one Chuckie. You a head coach! That's a riot.

Chuckie: No it was real. You were there, I dreamed I beat you at Doak Campbell (cackles turn to hysterics), you were there Mickey, too.

Mickey: Oh, you're too much Chuckie. Glad your back and OK.

Chuckie: No, I'm serious; I was a real head coach!

Bobby: OK, Chuckie, you've been through quite a bit. Tell you what; I'll make a special coaching spot just for you. How about, "Executive Head Coach".

Chuckie: Oh wow! Gosh, Executive Head Coach, can I wear a whistle?

Bobby (getting tired and forgetting most of the conversation by now): What, a whistle? Well (expletive) it, wear a whistle if you want, but you better have those linebackers ready for the spring game... wear a whistle... I swear, these kids these days... the internet and eBay has ruin their minds