I was given an opportunity to interview college basketball star and future 1 pick Greg Oden and I would now like to share with you what was said. Some of the stuff me surprise you.

Santini- Thank you for being here Greg. I know you have a busy schedule and I'm glad you took the time to talk to me.

Oden- Not a problem. I just got finished with my History of Rock n Roll class and I'm happy to grant you the interview.

Santini- History of Rock n Roll? What's up with that?

Oden- That shits tough bro. One test we had to listen to an instrument that was being played and say what it was. If not for that players bonus here at OSU I would have failed.

Santini- Players bonus? So you're saying any athlete that goes to OSU gets a players bonus on each of their exams?

Oden- Hell yeah cuz. How else would we make it through college?

Santini- Ok, I'll forget you said that. Talk about your NCAA tournament experience. This is your first year at college so it must be great taking part in The Big Dance.

Oden- The Big Dance? Shoot man, we playing basketball. This ain't no ballroom dancing tournament. The Big dance, what a stupid name. Who would even call it that. Anyways, we played Central Connecticut State in the first game. I tried to Google Connecticut State but it kept saying "no results." Where's Connecticut anyway? It don't matter. Then we had Xavier and I was like, Damn we playing some X-Men today boys. Conley, get ready for that Wolverine bitch. That would have been tight as hell bro if we played them X-Men. I would like to press Halle Berry if you know what I mean. Then we played Tennessee and the Big O took them out baby. Now we got some bitches in Memphis. Memphis? I didn't even know they played basketball in Memphis.

Santini- Yeah, they do. And Memphis is a pretty good team. You better watch out for them.

Oden- Watch out for them? They better watch out for the Big O. Did you see the foul I put on that fool against Xavier?

Santini- Yes I did. What's your opinion on Kevin Durant? Many have said he will be the number draft pick in next year's draft.

Oden- Oh, you mean Kevin" "I'm Not in the Sweet Sixteen" Durant. The Celtics got fined for calling him? Why? They need a dark toothpick? I wanted Texas to get into the Final Four so I could show the world who deserves that money, playboy. Durant, seriously, eat a hamburger or something,

Santini- Alright Greg. In your opinion, what aspect of your game do you think you need the most improvement in?

Oden- Improvement? Greg Oden doesn't need no improvement. Greg Oden can do anything on a basketball court and more. I could snap me fingers and cause a tsunami to hit Ohio. I could strike out Albert Pujols with a broken hand. I can flap my arms and cause a windstorm. I'm Greg Oden motherfucker. I don't need no improvement.

Santini- There can't be a tsunami in Ohio Greg, you're not around an ocean.

Oden- Then what do you call Oden's Ocean?

Santini- You mean Lake Erie?

Oden- Hell no? I renamed it Oden's Ocean baby. I'm going make me an island in that ocean, maybe buy a couple piranhas and sharks, put them in there. That be tight as hell

Santini- Ok, Let's just get back to the interview. If you could play one on one with anyone dead or alive, who would it be?

Oden- Nobody because no one can handle The Big O. I wish I could get that car from back to the Future, maybe pimp it out a little. You know, add some 28's and shit like that. If I had that car I would go back to the past and dunk on Kareem, block Bill Russell's shot and just abuse Wilt in the post. I could dunk on Jesus Christ with four fouls on me and one hand tied behind my back. The world is mine. They're re-naming the school The O-Den State University. The mascot will be a scaled down replica of my hand. I'm the greatest ever.
Santini- One last question Greg, will you go pro next year or will you stay in college.

Santini- One last question, Are you going pro?

Oden- What a stupid ass question. I'm going pro, playboy. College has done nothing for me. I'm already think of a name for my mansion bro. And I'm gonna get a sweet ass garage, name it the O-Den. That's tight as hell. Maybe I'll get a pet to. A snake? Nah, I already got a black anaconda in these pants, homie. Oh fuck, I got it. One of them polar bears. They might be going extinct but hell I'm Greg Oden. I get whatever I want. I could teach the bear how to ball; shit would be tight as hell.

Santini- Thanks a lot for this interview Greg. It's been very interesting.

Oden- Not a problem cuz. So how much you gonna pay me for this.

Santini- Excuse me, I'm not paying you anything.

Oden- You mean you ain't one of them boosters? The guys who pay me a hole lot of money for dunking on people's faces.

Santini- No, I'm just a blogger from foxsports.com.

Oden- A blogger? You mean you don't even write for a newspaper? Now no one will know what the O's gotta say.

Cleveland Cavaliers center Scot Pollard looked into the camera during a recent game and said, "Hey kids, do drugs." That was a totally idiotic thing to say and Pollard has apologized and said that it was just a bad joke. But this got me thinking, what other professional athlete would say something idiotic like this. Here's what I came up with.

Barry Bonds- "Hey kids, take HGH. You'll be as strong as your daddy and the best thing is, no one can find out. Your head might grow the size of a planet and your balls may shrink to the size of acorns, but it's totally worth it."

Pacman Jones- "Hey kids, go to strip clubs. While you're there, make it rain. They love that stuff."

Tank Johnson-"Hey kids, buy lots and lots of guns. One of each kind would be better. And when you get the guns, go outside and shot them. There lots of fun.''

Jeremy Stevens-"Hey kids, drink and drive. When you're drunk, you feel totally awesome and then when you drive, it gets even better. You see three different highways at the same time, and the adventure is trying to find the right one. How cool is that?"

Alex Rodriguez- "Hey kids, go to 10 different therapists. You can never have too many therapists evaluating you. I have six at my home in New York and 9 in my home in Miami and let me tell you something, they do wonders."

Tom Brady- "Hey kids, have premarital sex. Especially with a lot of really good looking women. You might get a couple of kids here and there but still, it's all worth it."

Cincinnati Bengals- "From all of us here in Cincinnati, we would like to tell you kids to break every law in the books. But make sure you do it in Cincinnati; you never get thrown in jail. Trust us."

Terrell Owens- "Hey kids, model your life after me. You may have some bumps in the road here and there but you will be loved by all. Oh, and buy lots of pills. There so yummy.'

Pete Rose- "Hey kids, gamble all the money you have on your favorite team. Trust me; it all works out in the end. I may not be in the Hall of Fame but one day I will. Want to bet when?"

Jerry Jones- "Hey kids, have lots and lots of plastic surgery. You'll be very good looking when all the surgeries are done. Just look at me."

Bob Knight- " Hey kids, choke your best friends. It's the ultimate sign of respect so you should do it. If they don't let you, throw a chair at them. That'll teach em."

You know the book Chicken Soup for the teenage soul? Well the advices that I listed above are like Porridge for the Criminal Mind.

In the legendary and iconic movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail, one scene has peasants accusing a beautiful young lady as a witch. They dress her up, and accuse her of working with the dark arts.

I've always loved that scene and when I heard that Phil Jackson accused the National Basketball Association of conducting a "witch hunt" on Kobe Bryant, it got me thinking. How could I incorporate that with the Monty Python skit? Here's what I came up with

Sir Bedevere played by David Stern
The accused witch played by Kobe Bryant
Peasants played by Shaq, Manu Ginobli, Dwayne Wade, Raja Bell, Kyle Korver, and Marko Jaric
King Arthur played by Lebron James

Peasants- We have a witch, we have found a witch. May we burn him?

(Kobe Bryant comes into the scene wearing gansta clothes, with long chains, and a hat flipped to the side. He is obviously been dressed by the peasants to have the appearance of a witch)

Stern- How do you know he is a witch?

Dwayne- He's dressed like one in all that gansta clothing

Kobe- I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch.

Stern- But you're dressed like one?

Kobe- They dressed me like this.

Peasants- No we didn't, no we didn't

Kobe- This is obviously not my chain and the shirt is two sizes too big.

Stern- Well?

Manu- Ok, maybe we did the chain and the shirt, but he's still a witch.

Stern- What makes you thinks he's a witch?

Shaq- We found a book of spells. It's in a secret witchin language.

(Stern takes the book, starts reading it)

Stern- This is an Italian cook book in Italian.

Raja- Oh... well he's still a witch, he turned me into an NBA star.

Stern- An NBA star?

Raja- Ok, maybe just for a couple of days.

All- Burn him anyways.

Stern- Quiet, there are ways to tell if he's a witch.

All- There are? Tell us oh wise Sir Stern

Stern- Tell me, what do witches make?

Peasants- Frogs?... Hurricanes?

Lebron- A synthetic basketball

Stern- Yes, very good. So if Kobe can make a synthetic basketball into the hoop, he must be a?

Shaq- A lucky (expletive) player.

Stern- No.

Raja- A witch.

Stern- Yes

Peasants- Let's go get a synthetic basketball and a hoop...

Stern- Wait, can't you also make a leather ball into the hoop.

Peasants- Oh, yes... shoot.

Stern- Your hopes are not done yet, since it's so hard to make a synthetic basketball into the hoop, Kobe must be a?

Lebron- Dirty Basketball player?

Stern- Exactly, so if he's a dirty basketball player, he's a?

Peasants- A witch.

Wade- How do we know if he's a dirty player?

Stern- Well, I remember a couple of weeks ago when Kobe throw his elbow at Manu, Korver, and Jaric in a pick up basketball game. That would make him a dirty player and a witch.

(Peasants get really quiet; it takes them a while to comprehend what Stern is saying)

Shaq- So we can burn him?

Stern- Yes, burn him.

Peasants- To the pits.

There's a rumor out that Tom Brady's Girlfriend, Gisele Bunchean, is pregnant. This would make 2 kids Tom Brady will have out of wedlock. I wonder how Brady's feeling. His good guy Catholic image has taken a huge hit; I just wish I knew how he's feeling. Oh wait, Let me go through his diary. That should say something.

From the Diary of Tom Brady, March 7, 2007

"Oh shit, Diary. Giselle's pregnant. I was wondering, do this two completions affect my completion percentage? I think it should. But all these babies are seriously hurting my Catholic credibility. How's it going to look when I show up to receive my blessings from the pope and I have 2 kids and no mommies? There goes my contract with the Vatican. I only wish Giselle and Bridget where my receivers during the Colts game because we probably would have won. I also hear a rumor in the locker room that some of our offensive linemen are scared that I might impregnate them by accident while taking the snap. I thought that was really silly, everyone knows only Peyton Manning and Eli Manning can impregnate their offensive lineman. I hear Jeff Saturday's due in August.

I also got an interesting message on my answering machine today from Shawn Kemp; this is what he said "Yawn. Call me when you get to 5". Pete Carroll also called, offering us a crib for reasons he says are unrelated to recruiting. I actually have a confession diary; I am actually the father of Anne Nicole Smith's baby. Yep, there you have it, the truth. And one more thing diary, I was thinking of a great catchphrase for my next commercial. Here it is; "That's ok if you like 6'4'', 225 pound quarterback with laser rocket sperm." What do you think; I believe it will go over very with all the Christian hardcore groups."

There you have it, the truth behind the pregnantion of Gisele Bunchean.

-Roger Clemens wants to come back and pitch only if he's paid 4 million a month for his services. 4 million a month? Come on Roger, so if you start in July you're going to get 12 million just for three months of work, not including if your team gets into the playoffs. What a lucky (expletive) job, plus you won't have to go on road games with your team or doing anything like that. Look if I'm paying the man 4 million a month I expect him to be with the team the entire time. It's great that he keeps saying he wants to win another championship but at this point I don't buy it. He's in it for the money.

-Dominic Rhodes signed a two year contract with the Oakland Raiders. So let me get this straight, the man goes from a Super Bowl Team to the worst team in the league. He goes from Peyton Manning to Andrew Walters/ maybe Jamarcus Russell. He goes from Tony Dungy to Doggie Hosier. And finally, he goes to Al Davis. I'm not judging Rhodes because I don't know him, but he doesn't seem like that bright of a guy.

-By the way, what's going on with all the Running backs changing sceneries? Willis McGhee to the Ravens, Travis Henry to Denver, Jamal Lewis to the Browns, Rhodes to Oakland, and Reuben Droughns to the Giants. Maybe it just shows how replaceable NFL runningbacks are. The one signing that will have a big affect on draft day is the signing of Jamal Lewis. It opens up some huge questions like are the Browns going to draft Peterson or are they going to take the risk and draft Quinn. I say go with Peterson because Crenel cannot afford to have a rookie quarterback calling the shots next year. He has one year left, if he wins he stays and if he loses he's gone. Take the safer choice Romeo.

I look into my crystal ball and what do I see? Some of the stories for 2017.

I see Barry Bond's head growing to the size of Australia, although still denieing that he ever knowingly took any illegal substances during his playing days. His head has grown so big that it has blocked the sun, causing an ice age. The growth of his feet has also been rumored to cause the holes in the ozone layer.

I see the disable list being changed to the Prood List in honor of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. Mark Prior was on the list a record 10 straight years while Kerry Wood had his right arm amputated as a result of trying to throw the Gyro ball. His arm just couldn't take it anymore

I see Jake Plummer working for the Peace Corps, trying to help those less fortunate than him. But every time he throws water bottles to the thirsty children, rebel forces intercept it. 

I see the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, desperate to find an ace,  announce that Raymond will be the opening day starter. Robert Szasz, known for as the Happy Heckler, was second in line.

I see Baseball's Free Agency changing from spending an incredible amount of money on players, to spending an incredible amount of money on Countries. George Steinbrenner, still alive and running things, was the first of this new wave of transactions. He bought the country of Cuba and the Dominican Republic for a mear 1.5 billion dollars. When asked for a quote, Steinbrenner said, "You can never put a price on winning baseball games and championships." The Devil Rays management wanted to get in on these deals so they bought Alaska, only to realize that it's not a country but actually a part of the United States.

I see Mario Williams, who suffered suffering a career ending knee injury in 2009, working at a drive thru, holding up signs for the new Super Mario Bros. fast-food chain. As part of the job, Mario had to dress like Mario from the Super Mario Brothers. Gary Kubiak stands right next to him holding up the signs, but only to be dressed as Mario's love interest Daisy. Reggie Bush will be inducted into Canton later in the year.

I see Major League baseball, wanting to give the little guy a shot,  allowing the smaller market teams a head start on the regular season. This new rule means that the Royals and Devil Rays will now be out of the playoff race by January.

I see Kevin Federline as the newly elected NBA commissioner after defeating David Stern in a rap battle. Federline's first decision as commissioner is to take out cheerleaders and put in strippers. 

I see the NFL, still precautious after the Janet Jackson halftime boob incident, hire the Boston Phil harmonica for the halftime show.

I see George Mitchell will finally conclude his steroid investigation with his imminent death.

I see College Football adding 32 more bowl games just so everyone has a shot.

And Finnally,

I see Charlie Weis skinny.

Wait, there's a smug in my crystal ball covering Charlie Weis, let me get rid of it. Oh jeez. Forget the last thing I said.