I look into my crystal ball and what do I see? Some of the stories for 2017.

I see Barry Bond's head growing to the size of Australia, although still denieing that he ever knowingly took any illegal substances during his playing days. His head has grown so big that it has blocked the sun, causing an ice age. The growth of his feet has also been rumored to cause the holes in the ozone layer.

I see the disable list being changed to the Prood List in honor of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. Mark Prior was on the list a record 10 straight years while Kerry Wood had his right arm amputated as a result of trying to throw the Gyro ball. His arm just couldn't take it anymore

I see Jake Plummer working for the Peace Corps, trying to help those less fortunate than him. But every time he throws water bottles to the thirsty children, rebel forces intercept it. 

I see the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, desperate to find an ace,  announce that Raymond will be the opening day starter. Robert Szasz, known for as the Happy Heckler, was second in line.

I see Baseball's Free Agency changing from spending an incredible amount of money on players, to spending an incredible amount of money on Countries. George Steinbrenner, still alive and running things, was the first of this new wave of transactions. He bought the country of Cuba and the Dominican Republic for a mear 1.5 billion dollars. When asked for a quote, Steinbrenner said, "You can never put a price on winning baseball games and championships." The Devil Rays management wanted to get in on these deals so they bought Alaska, only to realize that it's not a country but actually a part of the United States.

I see Mario Williams, who suffered suffering a career ending knee injury in 2009, working at a drive thru, holding up signs for the new Super Mario Bros. fast-food chain. As part of the job, Mario had to dress like Mario from the Super Mario Brothers. Gary Kubiak stands right next to him holding up the signs, but only to be dressed as Mario's love interest Daisy. Reggie Bush will be inducted into Canton later in the year.

I see Major League baseball, wanting to give the little guy a shot,  allowing the smaller market teams a head start on the regular season. This new rule means that the Royals and Devil Rays will now be out of the playoff race by January.

I see Kevin Federline as the newly elected NBA commissioner after defeating David Stern in a rap battle. Federline's first decision as commissioner is to take out cheerleaders and put in strippers. 

I see the NFL, still precautious after the Janet Jackson halftime boob incident, hire the Boston Phil harmonica for the halftime show.

I see George Mitchell will finally conclude his steroid investigation with his imminent death.

I see College Football adding 32 more bowl games just so everyone has a shot.

And Finnally,

I see Charlie Weis skinny.

Wait, there's a smug in my crystal ball covering Charlie Weis, let me get rid of it. Oh jeez. Forget the last thing I said.