Remember that one Christmas when you got really bizarre gifts, instead of what you actually wanted? Every time you opened up one you thought, "Did I ask for this?" or, more frequently, "What the heck is this?" That same weird body-snatchers-stole-my-family Twilight Zone atmosphere was in the air after this weekend of NFL football. Most of the teams that should have won lost. Most of the teams that should have lost won. And I was on the road on Christmas Eve-away from my trusty DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket-and, for the life of me, couldn't figure out why FOX refused to show the end of the Atlanta-Tampa Bay overtime game. And you thought The Shining was scary.

I realize parity is the (worthwhile) goal of the NFL, but what about absurdity? The Cincinnati Bengals have a shot at a first round bye and they lose at home to Buffalo? The Giants and Panthers can wrap up their divisions with wins-but both lose? San Diego and Atlanta-two of the most talented teams in the NFL-will be sitting out the playoffs after failing to win on Saturday. Heck, even San Francisco screwed up this weekend. Their win over St. Louis might have cost them the #1 pick in the NFL draft. What are these teams thinking?

And speaking of what were you thinking-Jim Mora, Jr., what were you thinking? Talk about being a chip off the old block. His post-game tirade is right up there with dear old dad ("Playoffs?!?"). The Falcons coach was asked a simple question: Why on earth are you punting with one minute to go in overtime of a must-win game? Mora claims that he thought his team still had a shot at the playoffs if they lost and that he's "not really one to play for ties." So, instead of going for it on 4th down to give his team a chance to win, he punted and hoped for the tie. Why am I surprised that this team lost 7 games and will miss the playoffs?

The worst part of this whole story is that it should have been obvious that a loss or a tie was bad for the Falcons. If they finished in a tie there was no way they were catching Carolina or Tampa Bay in the standings (Tampa Bay would have owned the head-to-head tiebreaker thanks to their win earlier this season). With three other teams entering the day with the same record as Atlanta and fighting for a wild card spot, it didn't take a brain surgeon, a mathematician, or NFL.com to figure out that the Falcons needed a win. Not a loss, a tie, or a forfeit-a win.

NFL coaches spend so much time being dishonest, distrusting, and evasive when dealing with the media, that it seems they refuse to read anything that's written about their team. Even playoff scenarios. I'd like to help every coach fighting for the playoffs this weekend. I'll start with this one premise: ties are bad. If you're in overtime and have been told before the game that you need to win, consider yourself in 4-down territory. With me so far, Coach?

Next, if it's a must-win, treat it as a must-win. If that means running trick plays, going for it on 4th down at odd moments, or pulling your quarterback after he's thrown 3 interceptions, then so be it. How many times have you watched a game and been amazed by the lack of desperation in a potential playoff team? As Jets coach Herm Edwards once said, "You play to win the game!" Coaches, you've got an entire offseason to smooth over a star player's bruised ego. Or would you rather spend that time explaining-again-how your coaching moves (or lack thereof) caused your team to fail?

Now if NFL coaches can't figure out the playoff scenarios, then how are we-the fans-supposed to know what's going on? I've read the scenarios and know that if Dallas loses or Washington loses or the Giants win, then Tampa Bay makes the playoffs. But there's got to be more to it than that, doesn't there? Sure, Tampa makes it if one of those scenarios happens, but who would they play? Isn't that we all want to know?

Have no fear-Sports in a Can is here. I've run the numbers for you. There are 5 teams in the NFC fighting for the final four playoff spots. None of them play each other this weekend, which means there are 32 different combinations of wins and losses the teams can have (figured out using Pascal's Triangle-and you thought you'd never need that past 9th grade math class). From there, utilizing the NFL tiebreaking procedures, it turns out there are more than 11 possible sets of games that could be played in the NFC in Week 1 of the playoffs. 

If you're a fan of any of these teams, or if you've got some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder like I do, you will need visual aids to sort through this tangled mess. I'll let the work of our trusty illustrator, Rob, take over and do some of the talking:

1    Washington at Tampa Bay             Carolina at New York Giants
2    Dallas at Tampa Bay                      Carolina at New York Giants
3    New York Giants at Tampa Bay    Carolina at Washington
4    Dallas at Tampa Bay                      Washington at New York Giants
5    Carolina at Tampa Bay                  Washington at New York Giants
6    Carolina at Tampa Bay                   Dallas at New York Giants
7    Dallas at Tampa Bay                      New York Giants at Washington
8    Carolina at Tampa Bay                  New York Giants at Washington
9    Dallas at New York Giants            Washington at Tampa Bay
10  Dallas at Washington                      New York Giants at Tampa Bay
11  Washington at Carolina                  Tampa Bay at New York Giants

(One thing I want to know is: why hasn't anyone else done this work? Shouldn't this be someone's job at NFL headquarters? Pssst...Commissioner Tagliabue: I'm available. And I'm cheap.)

The section on the far right illustrates a set of combinations that requires some additional information. Certain ties involving the Buccaneers, Panthers, Giants, and Cowboys will need to go all the way to the NFL's 4th tiebreaker, "strength of win." If we need this tiebreaker, you're on your own. You want riveting television? How about on Sunday night, if this tiebreaker is needed, we bring TV cameras into the room with the supercomputers. Put the teams awaiting word of their playoff fate on the big screen and let the fun begin.

If the NFC playoff picture is the most complicated Sudoku you've ever seen, then the AFC playoff picture is a crossword puzzle in which the answers are all 2 letters. It's really this simple: Jacksonville will play at either New England or Cincinnati; Pittsburgh or Kansas City would travel to play the other division winner. The only way the Chiefs can take the Steelers' spot is if the Steelers and Chargers both lose and the Chiefs beat the Bengals this Sunday. And considering all of the weird results from this past weekend, I'm not assuming anything as Week 17 approaches.

So, my friends, feel free to print out your Sports in a Can NFC Playoff Scenarios Worksheet™ and get ready for Week 17 of this wacky NFL season.

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