Live! From Hollywood, it's the 2007 Bowl Championship Series Selection Show, only on FOX!

Joe Buck: Welcome to the BCS Selection Show. I'm Joe Buck. Tonight, we're going to be joined by some of the most influential people in all of sports. Bolstered by high ratings, tremendous fan interest, and lots of profits for last year's Bowl Championship Series, the NCAA went back to the drawing board to make this year's tournament even better. We'll explain how it all works in just a moment.

But first, let me welcome our in-studio panel of experts to help us break down the tournament: My FOX NFL Sunday compatriots, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson are here. And we're also pleased to have our friends Dick Vitale, Chris Berman, and Michael Irvin from ESPN; Bob Costas, John Madden, and Al Michaels from NBC; Boomer Esiason and Shannon Sharpe from CBS; and Steve Lyons from Telemundo. Basically, we've assembled 12 people who know nothing about college football. But that's OK. Because I'm here. And I know everything.

Bob Costas: Are you trying to steal my self-appointed title of Most Intelligent Sports Announcer Who Can Talk About Any Sport?! You pompous, arrogant--

Buck: Security! All right, let's get right to it. This year, instead of simply seeding teams according to the final BCS rankings, the NCAA came up with a few additional rules for the seeding procedures. First, you must be a conference champion to be seeded 1 through 4, and thus receive an opening round home game. This means that Michigan, who is sure to be ranked in the top 3 when we reveal the standings, cannot host an opening round game. Also, no more than two teams from the same conference will be eligible for the Bowl Championship Series. This sets up the potential for all kinds of intrigue as we await the final announcement of the rankings.

Finally, after the opening round of games is completed, the winning teams will be re-seeded according to their final BCS ranking. This will make it impossible for the top two BCS teams to square off until the Championship Game. The highest remaining seed after the opening round will face the lowest remaining seed, and the middle two teams will face each other. The opening round winners will face off in the Sugar Bowl and the Orange Bowl, while the losers will head to the Rose Bowl and the Fiesta Bowl. The Sugar and Orange Bowl winners will then meet in the BCS Championship Game.

Boomer Esiason: Get on with it, Joe, will ya? Some of us have a life, ya know?

Buck: Without further ado, let's get to the opening round match-ups. It's no surprise to anyone that the #1 ranked BCS team for 2006 is Big Ten champion Ohio State. They will be the top seed in the opening round of the Bowl Championship Series. Their opponent, the last team in the field, is Big 12 champion Oklahoma. The Sooners finished 10th in the BCS but will be seeded 8th for the opening round. We'll explain why in just a few moments.

Jimmy Johnson: Fantastic! The first surprise of the night! Hey, how's my hair?

Terry Bradshaw: I'm already confused. How is #10 now #8? Are you making this up, Buck?

Buck: It will all be clear in a moment, Terry. The #2 seed in the opening round will be the Florida Gators, who finished 2nd in the BCS standings and won the SEC. Their opponent in Round 1 will be undefeated Boise State. The WAC Champions finished 8th in the BCS standings, and they will receive their first invitation to the Bowl Championship Series as the #7 seed in the opening round. Do the Broncos have the same mid-major conference mojo that George Mason had during March Madness? Thanks to the new BCS system, we'll get to find out this year.

Dick Vitale: I only wish this game would be played on that crazy blue field of Boise State's, Babee! But what about little Rutgers, where I used to coach? How can they get left out of this party? You know I went to high school with Coach Greg Schiano's parents. I had a little crush on his mom, Rene. She was a cheerleader, but I didn't have a shot because I was ugly...

Buck: Oooookay. Back to the tournament field. Grabbing the #3 seed for the opening round is USC. The Trojans lost on Saturday and finished 5th in the BCS, but since the #3 and #4 BCS-ranked teams did not win their conferences, USC gets a home game in the opening round. They will square off with LSU, who finished 4th in the BCS standings, but since they did not win the SEC, they cannot host an opening round game.

Bradshaw: Dagnabit, I don't understand one word of this! 5 is 3 and 4 is 5-who thought of this plan?

Chris Berman: Rumbling, stumbling, bumbling. He COULD! GO! ALL! THE! WAY! Everyone who's anyone supports this plan! People such as the former SEC President and original BCS architect Roy Kramer vs. Kramer. And NCAA President I could go for Myles and Myles and Myles Brand. And, of course, Miami University's president, Donna Sha-LAYLA! You've got me on my knees! LAYLA! I'm begging, Darling, please!

Buck [bellowing over Berman]: Finally, in what has to be one of the most intriguing match-ups of the opening round, Louisville, the Big East champion, secures the #4 seed and the final home game. The Cardinals finished 6th in the BCS but move up to #4 in the opening round by virtue of winning the Big East. Their opponent will be Michigan, who has been sitting around since losing to Ohio State, wondering who their opponent would be in the opening round.

Vitale: I smell upset city, Babee! Little Louisville's gonna have a big surprise in store for the big bad bullies from Michigan!

John Madden: You know this is really good. There's nobody saying, "Well, we could have beaten so-and-so," or "Why don't we get to play so-and-so?" It's all well and good to say, for example, that USC will play Michigan in the Rose Bowl, but without a chance to win the national title, it's kind of like showing off a six-legged turducken on TV. If you're not the one who's gonna eat it, then it's like a tree falls in the forest and only the squirrels get to see it.

Buck: Does anyone have any idea what John just said? OK, let's talk a moment about who gets left out in the cold here. Wisconsin and Auburn, who finished 7th and 9th in the BCS, sit behind two teams each from their own conferences. Since the rule is that only two teams per conference can go, these two teams get bumped out. And who had their bubble burst? Who was ranked 11th in the BCS standings but just barely missed out? That would be the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. There could be some gnashing of teeth over that one.

Bob Costas [yelling from off camera]: Can this tournament possibly have any kind of legitimacy if Notre Dame isn't involved?!? This whole thing is a sham!

Buck [duct-taping Dick Vitale and Chris Berman's mouths shut]: I'm very proud to be joined on the phone right now by the President of the United States, George W. Bush. Mr. President, what do you think about the new Bowl Championship Series?

President Bush: First, let me say, why aren't there any Texas teams in this tourney? I mean, come on! Shouldn't that be one of your durned rules? I'll talk to Congress about that one. I think this new strategery is great. Decide it on the field. Don't let no supercomputer mumbo-jumbo get in the way. And polls? The Amer'can people don't know how to vote! Just look at all those God-fearing Republicans who just lost! And how close my race was with that feller from Tennessee, in 2000--

President Clinton: Don't listen to this fool. He still can't figure out how he just lost control of Congress.

Buck: Ladies and gentlemen, we've got former President Bill Clinton on the line!

Clinton: Heh heh, I haven't been President for six years and I still have more power than he does. When my wife gets elected President in 2008, I'll be right back at home in the White House. Oh, what fun times I had there. Now, this new BCS thing is brilliant. This is what can be accomplished when you get the brightest minds in one place and everyone works together and compromises, and...Oops, gotta boogie. Hil'ry's off in New York this weekend and I have a hot date. Here, talk to Al.

Al Gore: The world's coming to an end and you want me to talk about football? We're destroying the oceans and the ozone layer. And these college football games don't help. All of the noxious gases released at these gigantic stadiums. It's all detailed in my movie, An Inconvenient Truth--

Buck: Before we go any further in our discussion, I need to welcome in the casts of Prison Break, Bones, and House, for one of several shameless plugs we'll be doing throughout the show for FOX programming. Welcome everyone! What do you think about this year's match-ups?

Wentworth Miller: I think I speak for everyone, Joe, when I say--

Buck: OK, we've run out of time for that segment. Let's open up our roundtable discussion with all of our friends from various networks!

Madden: You know, you put the teams on the field and you say, "Now go win this game." And they win and they tell you, "Well, it doesn't matter because the computer said this and the voters said that." I've always said you play the games to play the games, and you play the games to win the games, and if you win enough of 'em, then they can't keep you out. So now, you've got a system that says, "You play the games and we'll tell you which games to play, and when we're done, you know, we'll have a true champion."

Al Michaels: What John said is both poetic and perfect and--

Shannon Sharpe: Gdssjsjpoew mdmsd kkemd inf nmcomomn mwkecm vopd.

Michael Irvin: What did he just say? Dude, you gotta get some speech lessons or something! You know what I love about college football? Even the white dudes can play. 'Course, just like Tony Romo, they all just might have some "brother" blood in them. You know what I mean?

Steve Lyons: Hey, I got fired for saying less than that! What gives? This is the second time in two weeks he's said that and gotten away with it! By the way, has anyone seen Lou Piniella? He still has my wallet.

Buck: This has been the most disgusting, repulsive display of sports journalism I've ever witnessed. Almost as disgusting as when Randy Moss mooned the crowd in Green Bay. When we return from commercial, we'll bring in the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and get their opinions on the tournament. We'll also talk to Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Tom Cruise-with Katie Holmes mute by his side-Sylvester Stallone, Michael Richards, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Mel Gibson, the Men of the Square Table, and Scooter, the talking baseball. If you change the channel and never come back-and I wouldn't blame you there-enjoy the football games...we deserve them!

NFL Week 14 Picks 

Last week I had my worst week picking games in who knows how long. So this week I'm going the opposite of what I think. On every game but the Monday Night game, since I'm now 11-3 on Mondays (at least I can do something right). As a matter of fact, I'm tempting the fates, talking about the streak, and pronouncing that the Rams are the Lock of the Week.

Cleveland (+7