The Mike Tomlin era began this weekend as the Steelers opened up the NFL pre-season against New Orleans.  The game itself was just one piece of a memorable Hall of Fame weekend in Canton.

So what does it all mean?  Well, it means that football season is upon on us once again.  And it also means the Hall of Fame in Canton now has several more creepy bronze busts to display.

And as boring as pre-season football can be, it's really a good warm-up for everyone.  Not just for the players and coaches.  But for the refs.  For the fans.  For us lame-brained armchair quarterbacks sitting at home.  After all, it's been months since I've watched a game on TV.  Once again, I have to master multi-tasking.  And by "multi-tasking", I mean the ability to focus on the football game while blood trickles out of my ear from listening to Cris Collinsworth and Bryant Gumbel.  That isn't easy you know...

But since I survived it, I thought I would kick off the season with a few observations.

No Joy In Steelville?

Things couldn't have started better for the Steelers and Mike Tomlin, as they attempt to erase the memory of last year's dismal season.  Pre-season final scores don't mean much, but Tomlin certainly has a lot of positives to extract from their opening performance.

First of all, this team has significant depth at almost every position.  The running game looked strong even without the presence of Willie Parker, thanks in part to Najeh Davenport...who should see a fair share of carries this season.  Even Carey (The Mini-bus?) Davis excited the crowd with lengthy scamper.

In the defensive secondary, rookie corner William Gay displayed his hard-hitting style of play...and is a welcome addition to a unit that struggled against the pass at times last year.

At the linebacker position, newcomers Lawrence Timmons and LaMarr Woodley should be able to fill the void created by the departure of Joey Porter.  Of course, they will both need to talk continuously day after to day to replace Porter's mouth...but that's another story.

Receiving targets Cedric Wilson and Santonio Holmes were both impressive, which gives Roethlisberger and new offensive coordinator Bruce Arians plenty of options to work with.

However, amidst the lopsided victory...there was one glaring weakness.  Offensive Tackle Max Starks.

This behemoth of an offensive lineman (6'8", 337 lbs.) started 14 games last season, and was a big reason that Ben Roethlisberger took a career-high 46 sacks and spent more time on his back than Paris Hilton.  Starks has extremely heavy feet, and is easily fooled by quick defensive ends.  His instincts are poor, and his execution is even worse.  Last night, he must have missed 4 out of every 5 blocks...showing weaknesses in both pass and run blocking.  He reminds me a little bit of underachieving Big Ole' Leonard Davis (formerly of the Cardinals).  Only Davis never stunk like this...

The good news is, this can be corrected...and the Steelers' coaching staff seems to know it.  In the game against the Saints, Starks played longer than most of the other starters...and they tested him on both sides of the line.  If they were paying any attention at all, Max Starks should be done as a starter in this league.  23 year-old Willie Colon should be able to earn the starting nod over Starks with ease.

With a few adjustments on that offensive line, there may be Joy in Steelville after all...

Random Shots

I'm not sure what happened to him, but Bryant Gumbel looks like a homeless guy on crack.  Either that, or he's transforming into a Gumbel Gollum before our very eyes.  It wouldn't surprise me, as I find everything about this guy frightening as hell...

Speaking of Gumbels, I hope brother Greg gets to call the first "Chicwago" game.

Was anyone else freaked out by Michael Irvin lip-locking with his own bronze bust?  I guess for someone possessing that much self-adoration, it's lucky they didn't erect a full-body statue.

I wonder what Bill Cowher is up to right now.

How long do you think it will be until Commissioner Roger Goodell uncovers a gambling ring involving NFL referees?  Or are we not ready to go there just yet?

Football season is almost here...can you feel it? 

You haven't lived until you've been through the agony of a garage sale.  This mysterious realm of bargain-hunters is truly unique.  But thank goodness for these cheapskates, they can turn a pile of 80's music and worn out clothes into pure profit.

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of hosting a garage sale.  Somewhere between haggling over an REO Speedwagon cassette and cleaning out a rusty crusty BBQ grill, my mind began to wander.  Why couldn't we have a garage sale for professional sports?

It would be great.  We could get rid of those useless items stinking up the closet, and we might even find a nice bargain or two in the process.

Attention shoppers...let's get this sale started.

Bud Selig 4 Sale - Just Make an Offer

On second thought, let's put him in the "Take for Free" bin.  Someone might be able to use him as a bookend or paperweight.

Metal bats...$2 a piece

$2 is a good garage sale price...an excellent value for the buyer.  Metal bats are just as good as their wooden counterparts, some would argue they are even better.  The only problem with them is that they don't make an enticing sound upon contact.  Any baseball fan will tell you that a crack is better than a ping.  I can't explain it...that's just how it is.

This sale is addition by subtraction...at its finest.  With metal bats out of the way, college baseball will be forced to use wood.  Then, Major League Baseball will have major league competition for fan interest.  This will have 2 colossal benefits for the American public.  1)  Fans will realize that college baseball is filled with talented and exciting players.  2)  MLB will be forced to improve their business, giving baseball fans the quality product they so richly deserve.

Marketing should be easy enough.  Sell them to women in the Middle East, who have no other defense against abusive men.  Nothing crushes an unsuspecting cranium like lightweight aluminum alloy.

"The Whooping Stick"...get it while it's hot!

Terrell Owens

T.O. is the garage sale equivalent of a puke green cashmere sweater - an expensive quality product that performs like no other, but is just too embarrassing to have out in public.  Owens could be one hell of a bargain...for a non-English speaking country.

That cashmere sweater might be missed for a while, until we realize that a $20 cardigan keeps you just as warm.

Purchase Alert - USA buys all hockey rights from Canada

This might sound like a strange purchase, but hockey rights would be incredibly cheap to buy (see NHL financial report).  What would America do with the sport?  Well, probably nothing.  Most likely, hockey would end up at another garage sale.  Maybe some Middle Eastern country like Iraq could purchase it for next to nothing.

Of course, then they will realize that their country is missing one key ingredient for hockey.  Ice...

But like I told the lady that bought my Betamax video cassette recorder.  Sorry, no refunds.

All in all, this is a good deal for everyone.  Canada can get rid of their most dangerous addiction and concentrate on a real sport.  America will be spared of those annoying NHL highlights that plague sports shows.  And Iraq...well, I guess it didn't really work out for them (and the Iraqi men have those metal bats to worry about).  But 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

Adam Jones' Helmet and Uniform

At least someone could be using it in the near future.

Kerry Wood's Pitching Arm

This may be a risk, but it's possible that there is at least one tendon or ligament in there somewhere still intact.  Someone could use it to tie up a garbage bag...provided that the buyer has weekly sanitation service and only needs it to hold up for a few days.

Gary Sheffield's "Everyone is a racist" attitude

Offer a Fox Blogger discount, and this product will move faster than celebrity porn.  Why have one incredibly ridiculous attitude towards racism when you can have two?

Hottest Baseball Fan Alive - Alyssa Milano

Sorry, Alyssa is not for sale.  But Paris Hilton is...and probably has more extensive knowledge, albeit carnal, of pro athletes anyway.

Greg Oden's Tonsils

Somewhat useless, but a nice find for an oddball collector who recently found out that sports cards are worth crap.  "Autographed rookie card?  That's nothing...I have Greg Oden's tonsils.  They don't have his signature, but there is extra mucus and phlegm."

Bud Selig Price Update

Selig is the only item left in the "free" bin.  We'll pay you $10 to take him.  Hell, we'll even load him up for you.

So there you have it...the Garage Sale of the Century.  Maybe the house isn't completely clear of excess garbage, but it's a start.     

One way or another, history is going to be made on Sunday at Wimbledon.

Roger Federer has his sights set on a 5th consecutive Wimbledon title.  The last player to accomplish such a feat was Bjorn Borg in the late 1970's.

On the other side, Rafael Nadal hopes to become one of few to conquer both clay and grass.  In fact, Bjorn Borg was the last to win the French Open and Wimbledon in the same year (1980).

In the history of tennis, or any other sport for that matter, few rivalries compare to the one between Federer and Nadal.  At only 21 years of age, Rafael Nadal has already established himself as the "King of Clay"...the only surface that renders Federer human.  On grass, Federer is easily the favorite.  And just to make the rivalry even more enticing, the top 2 players in the world have split their career matches on hard court.

Earlier this year at Roland Garros, Roger Federer displayed his improved clay court skills...dominating everyone except, of course, Nadal.

Rafa has done almost the same exact thing on grass, showing his versatility by dominating everyone except...you guessed it, Federer.

Like I was saying, a rivalry really doesn't get much better than this.

With two players dominating the sport, one might think that the overall field is a bit weak.  But that is hardly the case.  Other big-time talents like Andy Roddick, Marat Safin, Mikhail Youzhny, and Novak Djokovic are as tough as they come.  If anything, the dominance of Nadal and Federer should prove just how incredible the level of competition is...and how amazing these top 2 seeds really are.

But even in a field of competitive players, today's tennis world undoubtedly belongs to Nadal and Fed.

The King of Clay Takes to Grass - Rafa Nadal is perhaps the most energetic player in the pro circuit.  Even after rain delays forced a grueling back-to-back schedule, Nadal looked as lively as ever in his semi-final match against Djokovic.  After dropping the first set to the young Serb, Rafa bounced right back into the match...thanks in part to his ability to run down would-be winners.  It didn't take long for Nadal to finish off his weary opponent...who was battling back soreness and a foot blister.

Greatness, as usual - Roger Federer continued his grass court supremacy, dropping only one set the entire tournament.  He easily disposed of 12th seeded Richard Gasquet in Saturday's semi-final, utilizing an unstoppable service game.

Battle Royale

While there is no guarantee that the championship match will go down to the wire, it figures to be an exciting battle.  Though Nadal and Federer have completely contrasting styles, they share the same level of relentless determination.  The calm and poised Federer seems to control every match he plays in, with an uncanny knack for knowing exactly when to step up and deliver.  Nadal has a history of starting slow, but battles each and every point. 

When breakfast at Wimbledon is served on Sunday, tennis fans should be in for quite a treat - history in the making, and a rivalry like no other.

Enjoy! 

Do we deserve to call ourselves sports fans, or have we transformed into faultfinders?  Criticism is never lacking in the realm of sports, with constant judgment being chucked from every possible angle - media, fans, has-been athletes, coaches, players, owners...everyone.

Somewhere in Normalville, USA...John Q. Fatcan sits in his leather recliner with a mouthful of Cheetos griping about how Shaquille O'Neal would be better if he worked harder to stay in shape.

While his unemployed buddy, Ivan A. Hanndoubt, laughs at the way Michelle Wie's golf career has been mismanaged.

I'd quote some scripture about casting the first stone...but I think you get the point.

And I'll admit, I can be overly critical sometimes...just like anyone else.  The problem is, when someone genuinely deserves to be criticized...that individual usually takes an unnecessary amount of punishment.  OK, that concept isn't new...it's just something that continues to be a piece of okra in my box of chocolates.

There is an endless amount of examples, but I'll just stick to a few:

Never Big Enough for The Big Apple

Nearly half of the MLB season is gone, and Yankee fans seem temporarily pleased with Alex Rodriguez.  And why shouldn't they be?  All he's done so far is drive in a league-leading 80 RBI's...to go along with 28 homers.  This is the same guy that was booed by his home crowd for a meaningless error against Tampa Bay on Opening Day.  Looks to me like the demands are simple...be the best player in baseball every single day, and we'll like you.

And now that his game is clicking on all cylinders...A-Rod's personal life is being attacked.  But that's another story.

Just A Wie Bit Too Much

I'll be the first to concede, Michelle Wie has been over-hyped about as much as any athlete could be.  The world expected this 17 year-old to be the female version of Tiger Woods by now, and she has received a lifetime's allowance of criticism because of it.  Though Wie has played in Pro tournaments, she isn't officially eligible to be an LPGA member until her 18th birthday.  Maybe it wasn't executed to perfection, but how can her career path be "mismanaged" before it even really begins?  And what makes any of us experts on creating a golf champion anyway?

I think the Michelle Wie saga can teach us two lessons.  First, maybe we shouldn't chastise an athlete that isn't even considered a legal adult.  Second, don't hype athletes before their professional career begins.
   
How Did They Manage to do That?

How can someone get paid millions to manage a major league baseball team, but can't even manage their own temper?  You could argue that other sports are guilty of this same affliction, but baseball managers operate on a completely different level of rage.  The irony here is...baseball is probably the most simplistic of all the major sports.  The strike zone can be negotiable at times, but other than that...an out is an out, and a foul is a foul.  Yet you see grown men throwing tantrums that would impress Bobby Knight over the most basic of calls.

News flash...kicking dirt on an umpire's shoes doesn't change the way the game is called.  Barking like a pit bull hopped up on greenies doesn't either.  Oh, and thanks for setting a great example.  Now every player that disagrees with a strike call can turn into the Incredible Hulk, too.

The Bitter End

I know...it wouldn't be much fun if we couldn't criticize athletes or officials.  But wouldn't it be great if just once in a while, a discussion about sports would include...well, an actual discussion about sports?

This blog brought to you by:

AND

Angry Man Spicy Beans
"If you had fire in the hole...you'd be angry, too."

I don't normally post emails due to confidentiality concerns, but these questions were just too good to pass up.  Over the past several days, I've received (maybe only in my mind) many inquiries regarding NBA issues.  And though I'm not exactly Alfred Einstein, I'll do my best to answer them:

Who is worse at acting, Eva Longoria or Tony Parker?
- Rod Leeks, California

That's a tough call, Rod.  Eva Longoria isn't exactly Katherine Hepburn...but her acting prowess isn't limited to just the small screen of television.  Tony Parker was recently stunned by news that his girlfriend regularly fakes orgasms.  Strange, I guess Tony and Eva really are alike.  The only real difference is that Eva requires some sort of contact for her faking.

Is there any possibility that Kobe could be traded to the Denver Nuggets?
- Rusty Pickle, Idaho

Well, nobody knows the mountainous peaks of Colorado better than Kobe.  And his knowledge of the local judicial system is a definite plus.

Are the San Antonio Spurs really the hardest working team in the league?
- Rich Kodger, Texas

Actually, yes they are.  The fact is their practices last longer than everyone else's.  Lay-up drills alone take up to 4 hours, primarily because Tony Parker falls to the ground every time it's his turn.

Are the NBA playoffs really fixed?
- Pete (unwilling to disclose last name), Ohio

Sorry, Pete.  You should try boxing.  If the post-season results were in fact a sham...they would probably want someone a little more attractive than Manu Ginobili broadcasted in high-def.

Is it just me...or is former TV star of Perfect Strangers, Bronson Pinchot, a shooting guard for the San Antonio Spurs?
- Olev Balki, Nebraska

I was wondering what happened to that guy.  Now that we've found him, let us do The Dance of Joy...

What's up with the NBA officials, and why do they call games so inconsistently?  Are they biased?
- Dusty Raker, Rouisiana

I don't believe so, Dusty.  But with all the flopping going on, it's really difficult to tell what the correct call is anymore.  The word is that David Stern is addressing the issue for next season.  All NBA officials will be required to watch extensive video of Vlade Divac for the sake of "research".

Does anyone else wonder why the Pussycat Dolls' "Right Now" is the official song of the 2007 NBA Playoffs?  What kind of "benefits" do you think David Stern received for pimping their lame-ass tune?
- Jim Onnitt, North Dakota

I'm really not sure about that, Jim...but it's funny that you ask about that song.  I recently received an alternate version of America's most-hated jingle.  It comes all the way from Salt Lake City, take a look:

Right now...(bomm bomm butadaba)
Gonna even up the score...
Right now...(bomm bomm butadaba)
Steve Jabby is a whore...

Is there a conspiracy against the Boston Celtics, which resulted in the questionable NBA lottery results?  Or is it perhaps a curse?
- Larry Joe Craniate, Indiana

Yes...and yes.  Next question...

With the top two picks going to the Western Conference, how will the quality of the Eastern Conference be affected?
- Skip DaFinals, Illinois

Clearly, Skip...the East is in big trouble.  You know it's bad when Spike Lee is inquiring about Clipper season tickets.  But never fear!  If it gets too bad...the league will mandate that Isiah Thomas take over for one of the Western Conference franchises.  Problem solved.

Is there anything that can be done about the excessive flopping, constant whining, poor sportsmanship, and generally disrespectful behavior from NBA players?
- Ty Urdofit, New Mexico

Yes, there is a solution.  They can stop.

So that's it folks, thanks for reading.  As always, feel free to give your feedback...and send all questions to parishiltonisatramp@duh.com