By now, we all know the details of the NFL draft.  After several weeks of speculation and anticipation, the draft is finally complete...as the newbies begin their NFL journey.

But these teams have other needs as well...those that owners don't like to talk about.  To maintain the well-balanced football environment that we all know and love, the NFL created the "Special Needs Draft".  Here, owners are able to secure those hard-to-get items...which often determine a team's success.

I had hoped to give you live coverage of the Special Needs Draft, but to be honest...the doorman kicked me in the cobblers and beat the hell out of me with my own shoes.  However, the league was nice enough to give me a summary of the day's events...and an ice pack for my marbles.

So here it is, a synopsis of the official 2007 NFL Special Needs Draft:

DRAFT WINNERS

New England Patriots - Eyeing a return to Super Bowl glory, the Pats had a productive draft weekend.  Not only did they add several solid college prospects, but they managed to trade for wide receiver Randy Moss...who gives New England another serious offensive weapon for their arsenal.  But once the draft was over, owner Robert Kraft still wasn't satisfied.

Kraft stated, "We simply have to get Tom Brady more protection."  Holding true to his word, the Patriots selected a case of Trojan Heavy Duty Fresh-N-Fruity Condoms late in the first round.  A very disappointed box of Magnums was escorted to the commissioner's private room.

But the Patriots weren't done.  Immediately after taking the prophylactics, they traded with the Carolina Panthers for the next 1st round pick as well.  Well before the fifteen minutes had expired, the Patriots had selected pop singer Michael Jackson as their new Special Needs Coordinator.

A confused crowd sat in silence as head coach Bill Belichick was questioned about the surprise selection.  He stated that the addition of Michael Jackson was strictly a supplement to Randy Moss.  Belichick went on to say, "if anyone knows how to handle a 10 year old boy...it would be the King of Pop." 

Houston Texans - The wind of change is blowing in Houston, as the Texans try to abolish the stench of last year's NFL Draft debacle.  David Carr is out, and Matt Schaub is in as the deficient franchise attempts to move up in the ranks.  Though they didn't fare too badly in this year's draft, Houston failed to pick an offensive lineman until the 5th round...which does little to address their most glaring weakness.

After running out the clock with the 10th pick in the special needs draft, the Texans' brass finally agreed.  They selected a self-help book titled, Paris Hilton's - Getting Pounded by NFL Linebackers for Dummies.  Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin was visibly shaken just moments after the pick was announced.

Other notable draft winners:

Detroit Lions - 10 pack of receiver-sized mouth muzzles
Green Bay Packers - 1 tube of Frostbutt brand cold weather anti-chafing butt paste
Miami Dolphins - Peyton Manning's jock strap & a Ricky Williams Voodoo Bobblehead Doll  
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Limited Edition DVD of The Replacement Players, starring Keanu Reeves
Seattle Seahawks - One year membership in the Hair Club for Men

DRAFT LOSERS

Philadelphia Eagles - The reigning NFC East champs sent shockwaves through the NFL world when they selected QB Kevin Kolb with an early pick in the 2nd round.  Coach Andy Reid insisted that the unexpected selection had nothing to do with Donovan McNabb, and assured everyone that he was still "our guy".

Proving that they still care about their franchise quarterback, the Eagles selected a Spinal Knife Wound Repair Kit.  Once again, the team denied that the selection had anything to do with McNabb...even though the repair kit only comes in one size - Husky Quarterback.

Atlanta Falcons - One of the more surreal scenes at the NFL Draft was watching Michael Vick cozy up to new commissioner Roger Goodell.  In a draft day interview, Michael Vick sent a message that he would clean up his act...and that fans should expect a "new Michael Vick".  Hell, the guy even said he would go golfing and fishing to stay out of trouble.

But Atlanta owner Arthur Blank really dropped the ball with the special needs selection...drafting country music legend Willie Nelson as the newest Mental Health Coordinator.

Other notable draft losers:

Chicago Bears - Another self-help guide, Effective Spending by George W. Bush
Cincinnati Bengals - Two cartons of cigarettes, a nail file, and 24 team embroidered orange jumpsuits with the words "Do Not Enter" stitched on the fanny  
Minnesota Vikings - Complete DVD series of Girls Gone Wild (not sure what that was all about)
Dallas Cowboys - Adam Sandler, because Jerry Jones thought he displayed solid leadership skills in The Longest Yard
Cleveland Browns - Season pass to the Kitty Twister night club

So there you have it...what does your team need?

If this is Jerry Sloan's farewell tour...it probably isn't the way he wanted to begin his final playoff run.

The Utah Jazz are staring at a 2-0 deficit against Houston, with the series shifting back to Salt Lake for game 3.  Sloan's new-look squad is finding out what playoff basketball is all about, faced with the unenviable task of dueling a Houston team loaded with talent.  As expected, the Jazz haven't been able to contain Yao Ming...and Tracy McGrady emerged in the 2nd half of both games to give the Rockets an early series edge.

One wonders how much fight Utah has left.

Game one was a tale of two halves for the Jazz.  After earning a halftime lead, Utah went cold in the 3rd quarter...scoring an abysmal 11 points.  And more importantly, the Rockets started hitting from outside.

The sequel was more of the same, with a slight twist.  Utah held their ground in the 1st half, only to see a small lead dwindle quickly in the 2nd.  The difference for Utah was Carlos Boozer, who stepped up for a career-high 41 points...but it wasn't enough.

So Now What?

The Jazz finished the year with a 31-10 record at home, which suggests that a Houston sweep may be out of the question.  For whatever reason, Utah is an entirely different team at the Delta Center...and should be expected to bounce back on Thursday.  However, if T-Mac and the Rockets can steal one in Utah...the series might as well be done.

Hittin' That High Note

After an explosive game 2, Carlos Boozer has established himself as a force to be reckoned with.  Utah isn't normally a team that relies on individual offense, but when Boozer found his rhythm against Yao Ming...he quickly became the "go-to guy".  He supplemented his mid-range shooting with well-timed drives to the hoop...for which he was awarded 9 trips to the charity stripe.  If Utah hopes to extend this series, he must continue to be a balanced offensive force.

Deron Williams and Matt Harpring both chipped in as well, and should be key factors in the remainder of the series.

Sounds Worse Than Michael Bolton

Of course, not everything sounded sweet for the Jazz in the first 2 games.  Mehmet Okur was virtually invisible, content staying outside the paint laying bricks with mason-like precision.  Andrei Kirilenko added some defensive value, but that was overshadowed by foul trouble and his lack of scoring.

Can the Jazz put it together in time?  Only time will tell...

You Dirty Rant

Now that's out of the way, time for some random observations:

- Is it me, or does Mehmet Okur look like Jughead Jones from the Archie comics?  Think that nickname will catch on?  "Jughead...Jughead..."

- Today's NBA game clearly favors a scoring guard.  Officials allow players like McGrady, Kobe, and other one-on-one scorers to initiate contact...and they can easily get to the free-throw line at will.  Not the case with the big boys in the paint.

- Give Yao Ming a lot of credit for adapting to the NBA.  He's already a world-class whiner like most other pro ballers.  Of course, with Dikembe Mutombo on the bench as his mentor...it shouldn't be surprising.

- What ever happened to free-throw shooting (this one's for you, cuz)?  I know it's overstated, but how can someone routinely hit contested 20-foot jumpers...but struggle with a freebie from 15?  Actually, I have to give Yao some credit for this one...he's no Ben Wallace.

- Someone has to win it all, but is any team truly playing at a championship level?  I don't think so...

Watch your balls...

Most of us can be thankful that our job performance will never make headlines.  Nobody in the world of sports is above scrutiny, and employers are taking swift action.  "Shock-jock" Don Imus and NBA referee Joey Crawford were among the most recent casualties...but this growing trend doesn't end there.  All of a sudden, reading a newspaper transforms the average joe into The Terminator.  If you want to get someone fired from their job, well...just write about it, and watch the marketing campaign spread like a wildfire.  Soon you'll have the severed head of choice resting on your dinner plate.

Just imagine if our job performance was under the microscope like these other media magnets.  No more missed deadlines.  No fake sick days.  No more flipping off your boss.  It would be "one-and-done" for all of us...

So what is this trend all about?  Are we really that demanding as a society?  The same society that elected...eh, never mind. 

Well, here's your chance...let's handle some mass layoffs right here and now.  Who would you like to send to the unemployment line?  An underachieving player?  An unsuccessful coach?  An idiot broadcaster?

I suggest that we just all get it out of our system right now, so we can get back to being reasonable.  And give those in the media spotlight the same job standards that we set in everyday society.

So with that...let me get it started.  Here are a few people that probably don't deserve to be fired, but since they annoy the hell out of me...I'm going to can them anyway.  And considering that most of them don't have the foggiest idea what it's like to be a member of the working class...I won't feel too bad.  Let's go:

Joe Theismann - If I had to choose between a root canal, or an hour of listening to Theismann...I'd probably take a shot of Maker's Mark Bourbon and head to the dentist's office. 

Joe, you're fired!

Jose Canseco - I don't know that this guy is currently working, but I'd fire his ass anyway.  He was a good ball player for a short time, but other than that...he's a disgusting human being.  Canseco is the very reason that you shouldn't be allowed to write a book unless you've read a book.  Excuse me if I don't rush down to Barnes & Noble to spend my hard-earned money to find out who he poked in the ass.  Wait, that probably didn't sound right...oh well.

Mr. Canseco, grab some bench!

Terrell Owens - T.O. supporters, gather 'round.  Let me ask you this.  If you have a talented co-worker, say that he's a star salesman, and he single-handedly destroys the morale in your office with his outlandish behavior and selfish attitude...should you keep him?  Normal people can't survive in normal jobs without working effectively with other people, so why would it be OK for an athlete?  Nobody likes working with a glory hound, especially when they drag your name through the mud with no provocation.

Mr. Owens, the unemployment office is that way!

Roger Clemens - OK, here's another guy who isn't exactly working either.  But what other job allows you to sit at home for half of the year, and then show up when you want and still earn more salary than most of your co-workers?  Does he get a pro-rated salary?  Hell no!  If only we were lucky enough to:  not look for a job, still earn big money when & where we wanted...arrive with little or no notice...and sit on our ass for 7 months.

Dear Roger, let me tell you a little story about...YOU'RE FIRED!

George Steinbrenner - You could argue that this guy really can't be fired, since he's more like royalty.  In that case, overthrow the son of a bitch.  If he were running a small business, it would have tanked before the doors were open.  King George is an example of micro-management at its finest.  He doesn't do everything himself, but he gets involved just enough to screw things up.  Either sit back and shut up, or figure out how to do things efficiently.

King George, the state of Florida wants you!  Buy some white shoes, a white belt, and get to work practicing your shuffleboard.

Bobby Knight - His behavior is a disgrace to humanity.  Yes, he knows basketball...very well.  But is that knowledge enough to overlook his lack of respect for every other human?  He treats his players as if they were in boot camp.  Instead of independent thinkers, he creates a band of frightened basketball soldiers.  Many of which probably don't even enjoy the game that they learned to love as children.  He doesn't respect officials, fans, reporters, or anybody else.  And if you watch some of his bloopers,(be warned - contains excessive profanity) you'll see that his temper extends beyond basketball.  Call Jack Nicholson, we have a code red Anger Management situation.  Gooz fraba...gooz fraba...

Mr. Knight...perhaps you could find work as an angry cab driver.  Why don't you make like Paris Hilton, and go find a new position.

Adam "PacMan" Jones - Oh, wait...too late.

So that's my Terminator list.  Anyone else want to get out the ole' axe?

I try not to associate this year's Utah Jazz team with the cohesive unit from the Stockton/Malone era.  But thanks to head coach Jerry Sloan, such comparisons are inevitable.

When John Stockton and Karl Malone left Utah, it would have probably been a great opportunity for their longest tenured coach to take a walk too.  But Jerry Sloan wasn't done.  His passion for the game was burning stronger than ever...and perhaps he felt there was something left to prove.

In all those glory years when then Jazz were so close to the top of the NBA mountain...was it because of the dynamic duo of Stockton and Malone, or did Sloan's leadership and coaching ability have something to do with it?

In my opinion...it was all of the above.

Blast From The Past

After a few years of assisting Frank Layden, Sloan was given the Utah coaching gig in December of 1988.  It was immediately clear that he was a perfect fit for the Jazz, as they became one of the NBA's most consistent teams.  Built around the one-two punch of John Stockton and Karl Malone, a new brand of basketball was born in Salt Lake City.

Those Jazz teams of the 90's were known for flawless execution, and a gritty style of play.  The pick-and-roll offense became a staple of Sloan's strategy, just as it is today.  And even though other teams usually had a superior collection of talent...Utah became a member of the NBA's elite.

Follow the Leader

There is no specific formula for success in basketball.  The legendary Chicago Bulls found success with a triangle offense, and were led by the great Michael Jordan...a shooting guard.  Other NBA Champions like the Houston Rockets and San Antonio Spurs made it happen with superior post play.  But there is one common ingredient for all these championship teams - leadership.

You might think of Jerry Sloan as being a little bit "old school".  He's 65 years old, has a hot temper...and earns his share of technical foul calls from arguing with the officials.  Sloan is often blunt as a spoon...rarely sugar-coating his words when speaking about his players, or anything else.

But the other side to his coaching style suggests that he is a modern day leader as well.  Sloan's players have always respected him.  They believe in him.  They can count on him handling conflict professionally.  Rather than stealing the spotlight, he constantly gives due credit to his players.

Some may have questioned his logic for sticking around for a painful rebuilding process, but after this season...none of those doubts carry any merit.  The Western Conference is stronger than it has been in years...and despite a late-season skid, the Jazz are still competitive.  In fact, his performance in molding a young group of unknowns could earn him a much-deserved Coach of the Year award.

The Missing Link

This year's Utah team isn't exactly like the one from 10 years ago...but it isn't totally dissimilar either.  The new Jerry Sloan recipe doesn't quite taste the same, but there are some familiar ingredients.

The Catalyst - In just his second year, Deron Williams has become the bandleader for the Jazz.  Utah has desperately needed a steady point guard since the departure of John Stockton, who knew how to direct a team as good as anyone.  Consider that Utah passed on drafting another talented point guard, Chris Paul, in order to land Williams with the 3rd overall pick in 2005.  But apparently, Larry Miller and the Jazz front office knew what they were doing.  Both point guards are already paying dividends for their respective franchises, but Deron fits Sloan's style of play.  He can add a little bit of scoring, a lot of assists, and makes everyone around him better.  Williams isn't the flashy scorer that Chris Paul is, but he gets the job done in more ways than one.  If Utah hopes to improve over the next few seasons, Deron will need to become the kind of catalyst that John Stockton once was.

The Mailman - Of course, there can only be one true "Mailman"...but Carlos Boozer has emerged as a top-tier post presence for Utah.  Karl Malone once filled that role, and now it's up to Boozer.  In today's game, the workhorse power forward is a dying breed.  But that's exactly what this squad needs, a thoroughbred.  Boozer is an absolute monster on the boards, averaging close to 12 rebounds per game this season.  He also has some serious scoring ability (21 PPG), even though he isn't the unstoppable go-to-guy that Karl Malone was.  But credit Boozer for adapting to a star role with Utah, a part he probably wouldn't get a chance to play with many other teams.

The Stopper - It might be a stretch to compare the two, but Andrei Kirilenko is the team's best defender...much like Bryon Russell used to be.  Offensively, "AK47" has been somewhat disappointing this year...but his versatile defensive play is a necessity for the Jazz.  He's big enough to match-up against forwards...and is also quick enough to defend shooting guards.  Kirilenko's shot-blocking ability makes him difficult to beat, and he is usually assigned to the opposition's leading scorer.  His future in Utah may be uncertain, but for now...they need his defensive skills to make any sort of run in the playoffs.

The End of an Era?

There has been speculation that this could be Jerry Sloan's final season of coaching.  At 65 years young, he has been contemplating retirement for quite a while.  Even though I would hate to see him leave, the good news is that long-time assistant Phil Johnson would likely be the heir apparent.  If anyone knows the Sloan style of basketball, it would be Johnson.  He has been an assistant in Utah ever since Sloan took over as the head coach.

I hope that Sloan will stick around another couple of years to watch this team develop.  But if he doesn't...let me just say that I appreciate all the years of hard work he put in for this franchise.  And even though it may be time for Jerry to go soon...this will always be his team.

Is it the end of an era?  Hardly.  It's only the beginning...

What a great day for baseball fans!  Every team and player barometer is set to zero, and everyone is contender.  Well, except for the Pirates and Royals...two teams that might struggle in your average co-ed church softball league.

Every year, Opening Day becomes the Realm of Ridiculous.  Fans begin to make premature conclusions based on this single game...which represents less than 1% of this season's baseball action.

Pick Up the Pace

Whatever you do, please don't make stat projections based purely on Opening Day results...

David Eckstein is on pace for 125 RBI's - I'm going to wait a little longer before handing him the MVP award.  Although, if he can maintain his .750 batting average...

Kerry Wood is on pace for 162 games on the disabled list - OK, maybe some Opening Day projections are accurate.

Brian "got knocked on my ass and hurt" McCann hit the first home run of the season - Well, he may not hit 100 home runs...but expect a great season from the Braves' catcher.

Carl Crawford is fast - With such superior stealing ability, will politics be in his future?

Cy Young contenders Carlos Zambrano and Chris Carpenter had shaky outings - Zambrano will be OK, unless he starts getting advice from Kerry Wood or Mark Prior.  Carpenter will still win 16 games or more, and his biggest worry this year will be finding pants to fit his 6'6" frame.

Double Your Fun

Almost every year, some Mr. Mediocre player will hit 2 home runs on Opening Day...and fans will quickly jump on the bandwagon.  This is usually a Shannon Stewart or Dmitri Young type of player.  Who will it be this year?

Sneak Peek

My American League surprise team has to be the Cleveland Indians.  Right now, they are smashing Jose Contreras and the Chicago White Sox.  If nothing else, the Indians should be an exciting team to watch.  The AL Central will probably be the toughest division in baseball...and the Indians should turn many heads this year.  My sleeper pick for the AL MVP, Grady Sizemore, is already off to a quick start.

The Boo Birds Singing Early

I don't want to generalize, but I'm already severely disappointed with Yankee fans.  A-Rod has received some opening day boos, especially after committing a defensive error on a misjudged pop fly in foul territory.  If a Pirates player hits 35 HR and 121 RBI's, he might be elected the mayor of Pittsburgh.  But apparently that isn't enough for New York fans.  Just one more reason to despise the "Evil Empire".

The Soothsayer Rides Again

Now that I've criticized early season projections, it's time to give my own predictions:

NL East Winner - Philadelphia Phillies
NL Central Winner - St. Louis Cardinals
NL West Winner - Arizona Diamondbacks
NL Wildcard - NY Mets (does anybody still believe?)
AL East Winner - Boston Red Sox
AL Central Winner - Cleveland Indians (call me crazy)
AL West Winner - Some City in California Angels
AL Wildcard - Detroit Tigers

NL MVP - Albert Pujols (can't bring myself to pick a surprise as long as he's playing)
NL Cy Young - Brandon Webb (doesn't need big strikeout numbers to be dominant)
AL MVP - Grady Sizemore (because predicting one of the other favorites is boring)
AL Cy Young - Johan Santana (nobody else is in his class)

The "I thought you were toast" award - Oliver Perez, NY Mets (I have no logical reason to believe he'll provide any value for the Mets)
The "I can't believe he's not better" award - Delmon Young, Tampa Bay Devil Rays
The "Money isn't everything" award - Roger Clemens, somewhere (won't be the positive impact that people expect)
The "Unsung hero" award - Eric Byrnes, Arizona Diamondbacks
The "Billy Martin, angry manager" award - John Gibbons, Toronto Blue Jays
The "Kerry Wood, I should look for another job" award - Eric Gagne, Texas Rangers
Surprise pitcher award - Daniel Cabrera, Baltimore Orioles
Surprise hitter award - Ian Kinsler, Texas Rangers

So there you have it...here's hoping for a great season!  Enjoy...