The Houston Chronicle ran a story this week with new details about what may well have been the dumbest government project in history: arresting Texans for being drunk ... in bars. 

You say you don't live in Texas, so why should you care?  Listen, my friend, if it can happen in Texas, the don't-tread-on-me-capital of this here nation, it can happen anywhere.

The crackdown couldn't have come at a worse time for Texas sports fans.  In the past year, Texans have celebrated an Astros World Series appearance, a return to relevance for the Dallas Cowboys, yet another Spurs title, and the superhuman Vince Young carrying the Horns to glory in the Rose Bowl. 

That doesn't even count all those folks in Houston who must have been knocking back a few a couple weekends ago.

The problem seems to have begun last year, when the state legislature authorized the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission (TABC) to hire more than 100 new employees to help enforce the state's alcohol laws.  No doubt motivated solely by a desire to increase public safety, agents began arresting drunk individuals - in bars - under the novel theory that although these people may not currently have been driving, they very well might consider doing so, at some later point in time.  Which, whatever their actual intentions, we can all agree would be bad.  If they were, you know, to do it. 

According to press reports, this crackdown has been spectacularly successful, as one would expect, since drunk people don't run very fast and, again, these people weren't in cars.  Over a six-month period, TABC agents arrested more than 2,200 people for being drunk.  In bars.

In Texas, we're friendly folks.  So if you're planning on making a visit to this fair state, here are a few travel tips to keep in mind. 

The first thing to realize is that we (the drinkers) are all on the same team, so while it might be an effective diversionary tactic, it's totally NOT cool to shout out, "Man, that guy over there is really wasted, someone should be watching him," as you order your next round.  

No, we have to stick together, which means alerting fellow patrons to anyone we see nursing a Coke and scribbling in a notebook.  And if you definitely aren't drunk, make a point of talking as loudly as you can and waving your arms a lot.  Those people getting hammered will seem much quieter in comparison.

If you don't feel able to drive and need to call a cab, FOR GOD'S SAKE TELL HIM TO BE DISCREET.  He should pull up slowly (around back if possible).  If anyone asks what he's doing he should just say he's "passing through."  Under no circumstances should he tell any strangers that he's there to pick up drunk people. 

Of course, there's also an element of personal responsibility here.  You have to be smart.  If you're in a hotel bar in Texas and there's someone else there, he's probably a TABC agent.  Room service would be a better idea.  Or start quietly ordering doubles - it will totally screw up his count. 

I'll close with a request.  We could really use your help down here, so if you have a minute, drop an email to the TABC folks (complaints@tabc.state.tx.us) telling them to get off our backs. 

Good luck reaching any of those people, though.

They're all hanging out in bars.