I always wanted to have a band named "Naked Women And Free Beer". Put that on a poster, and they'll show up every time. Just like you did to this blog! I'd make a freakin' mint.
Now that you're here, and you see there's no T, no A, and no beer, feel free to get all wampy-jawed and split, after the evil ruse I used to get you here. If that's the case, feel free to leave me a "You suck" comment, so I'll know you were here before you go. Otherwise, I'll forge ahead.
While reading and commenting on many of the blogs here, I keep feeling the need to explain where I'm basically "coming from" before I explain my position on the subject at hand, resulting in my writing lengthy posts that are annoying even to me. I'm sure several bloggers will agree on that front. So, here's a bunch of random junk about "where I'm coming from", and hopefully you can have some idea what I'm yammering on about when/if you read my comments on other blogs, or the posts on my own page.
* The writing and/or performance of words is how I make my living, and was also my area of education; I have a degree in Speech Communication (one of the all-time greats of impractical majors) from the University Of Tennessee. I've made my living as a musician for the last ten years or so -- as a singer and songwriter (but NOT a "singer/songwriter") -- and I've been writing blog-type pieces on my website for the last three or four years. I've been published in a local art mag, and a few of my non-sports blogs have been re-published on music e-zine sites. Point is, the use of words is of utmost importance to me.
* Modern pop country music like Big 'N Rich and Toby Keith is absolute CRAP. I make my living playing roots/country music, and I don't want anybody here getting the impression that I like musical abominations like Kenny Chesney and Keith Urban after hearing that I do "country music". What I do is nowhere close to that stuff. I do country music for grown-ups, not twangy pop for soccer Moms and teenage girls.
* While I am sort of a music snob and "roots Nazi", I can appreciate all kinds of music -- including good pop and hip-hop music, which is totally contrary to the kind of music I perform. The point is, I appreciate good art. Which is another reason I get so irritated at bad writing in any form, especially when I see it in a contest called "Next Great Sportswriter".
* I don't use photos in my blogs. Why? I don't know how.
* I have a natural propensity against the mentality of isolationist regions like New York and L.A., who often believe that they can think for the rest of the country. Before all you "coasters" get all in a tizzy and start spilling your lattes and bean sprout burritos all over yourselves, I realize that everybody in those cities isn't elitist and goofy, that's just what I've seen too much of from those cities, and the general vibe I get from them. Let me also say that I live in one of the biggest offenders of regional isolationist egotism: Texas. Texas is one of, if not the, most steadfast practitioners of the "We rule, and everybody else is an idiot" mentality. I hate that about Texas. In fact, I wrote a blog called "Get Over Yourself, Texas" -- after the death of Hunter S. Thompson, the local paper, instead of heralding Thompson's brilliance and lamenting the tragedy of his death, decided to talk about how there were writers in Texas doing "gonzo journalism" before he was doing it. Being proud of your region is one thing, but New York, L.A., and Texas all take it way too far.
* There are very few things on the planet that truly offend me or really get under my skin to the point of irrationality. I realize that half the things I write are angry-sounding "I'm tired of this", and "I hate that", or "stop being a moron" rhetoric. And yes, there are plenty of things every day that I find irritating. And yes, there are few things I love more than a good argument, as long as it stays relatively rational. But I'm that way because I enjoy solving difficult problems, especially when it comes to people and issues. The final resolution of a controversial issue is one of the most satisfying things there is, whether it ends in a hug or a sock in the gut. Being in the entertainment business, I also realize the need for "show", and the necessity of getting people talking, and the manner is sometimes secondary.
So, if you read my blogs or comments and they seem inflammatory or contrarian to you, that's because they're intended to be, for the sake of drama and frank discussion, not because I'm some sort of angry guy. To me, talking about how great everything is can be incredibly boring. Constant negative harping can also get boring and predictable, so I don't write about just that, either. While I may have a blog called "Please Stop Trying To Make Me Like Soccer", I also have one called "I Think I Could Eat A Hundred Tater-Tots". Hopefully, by writing this blog, every time I say something un-flowery and un-positive about somebody's blog, I won't have to say, "Kidding!" at the end. You'll know it's just me being me (kinda like "Manny being Manny"), and I really mean you no harm. Mostly.
There. If you made it to the end of this, you care way too much about what I have to say. Please stop stalking me, weirdo.
** This is a re-post of a piece I did on December 17 of last year. There are some slight revisions, because parts of it kinda stunk, and some of the comments made were helpful. In light of the current controversy on the defiition of an "athlete", I thought this one would be a good one to bat around again.**
Tell me, what is a sport? Many people subscribe to, "Well, if it's on sports TV (Fox, ESPN XII, whatever), then I guess it's a sport." Still others go with, "It's a competition that I like. Therefore it is a sport." I have to disagree on both points. While this seems ultimately to be an issue of semantics, we still need to determine a basic, more narrow definition of "sport" before we go around calling every competition we enjoy a "sport". Frankly, I'm sick to death of seeing Scrabble tournaments, spelling bees, dog shows, and -- first and foremost -- poker on my sports TV. These are not sports. At best, they are highly skilled games, competitions, or hobbies.
To make that assertion, we (meaning me -- it's my bleepin' blog, for cryin' out loud) have to define what a "sport" is. Since the NGS bible "Sportwriter 101" explicitly forbids giving Webster definitions (and I agree, it is very 7th grade), I'll forego that, and just say that different sources give very broad definitions of "sport". I think we also all understand that everybody has their own definition, which can cause controversy, and even downright venom on occasion. So, I'll take a poke at the proverbial cobra with my own defintion: A sport is any physical, athletic competition, where one participant's ability to perform is physically, directly affected by an opposing participant, in real-time. If your activity doesn't fit those criteria, well, then, friend... you got yourself a hobby.
I think we can all agree that poker, cheerleading championships, and the rock-paper-scissors finals aren't sports. We can probably also agree that non-"Big Three" games like hockey, soccer, tennis, and (only technically) NASCAR still do qualify as sports, although I really would still be just dandy if I never saw another score or highlight reel of them for the rst of my life. Don't get me wrong, most of those guys could run me down & beat me senseless, then make me play their sport, and beat me senseless at that (wait, not a soccer player... I think I could take a soccer player). But anyway, what the heck fun is agreeing on things? Here's a list of a few of those highly skilled non-sports for you to evaluate and opine on:
1) Golf -- Again, don't get me wrong; I like golf. Granted, it is the most perfect nap material in the history of broadcasting, and is the worst spectator "sport" on television. But I do respect those who play it well (my boomerang slice is a catalyst there), and I have great respect for the history of the game as well as the skill and dedication it takes to become even a decent player. But the fact is, it's not a sport. What Tiger shoots in a given round has virtually nothing to do with what Vijay shoots. The mental effects are there, sure. A good player has to have an innate drive to win and be able to withstand incredible amounts of pressure. But if you think those are adequate criteria to make it a "sport", then life itself is a "sport" too! No, golf is a solo game. If players were allowed to, say, box other players out of the green, or lay a shoulder check on a guy shooting out of the rough, or even holler "Boogedyboogedyermama!" during shots, then maybe it would qualify as a sport. And it would be infinitely more fun to watch. But, alas, Tiger shoots what Tiger shoots, and what John Daly is doing two holes back (even if it's gobbling down Hot Pockets and pounding PBR's) has absolutely no bearing. I'll venture to say that if you can slam beers and dogs while doing "it", then "it" is not a sport.
2) Bowling -- see "golf"
3) Track and Field -- These are some of the most amazing athletes in the world. They can run faster and jump higher than most of us could ever dream of. They can throw pointy things and heavy things really far. They train relentlessly their entire lives for a 5-10 second shot at perfection and glory. The difference between a track foot race and a NASCAR race or a horse race is minute, but important: track has lanes. In most track events, you must stay in your lane and not interfere with other runners. Besides mental competitiveness, a given runner's time is not affected by another runner's time. Hammer throwers aren't allowed to come up and give other hammer throwers an atomic wedgie or wet willie while they're spinning 'round and 'round. Thus, not a sport.
4) Virtually all Winter Olympic games -- OK, Tonya Harding maybe fudged on this one a bit. But usually, olympic ice dancers aren't allowed to break the kneecaps of other ice dancers. Downhill skiers aren't allowed to reach out and poke their opponents eyeballs with their bendy poles. Cross-country skiers aren't allowed to use ACME paint to draw fake paths on the sides of giant boulders, and make their opponents crash into them. So until I hear a cross-country skier say, "So long, Bambino! See ya in Torino!", it's not a sport. What a maroon.
5) Hunting and fishing -- This one's a more tenuous line. It is directly man vs. beast. But unless said beast is directly trying to avoid or run away from you -- not just standing there munching berries, or swimming around a pond, or saying, "Is that the Vice President? Everybody duck!!" -- it's not direct competition, and therefore not a sport. Hunting and fishing championships could be considered sports, I suppose, if hunters were allowed to set bear traps for other hunters, or fishermen could throw spinner lures or dead fish at their competition. Hmmm, now that I think of it, I think I might try that this weekend. My nutty neighbor has been throwing his leaves in my yard, the big jerk.
So there you have it. These are highly skilled hobbies, not sports. Hopefully some of you can step away from your little orange-juicer putting practice dealie (if you can practice inside your office, is it really a sport?) for just a moment, and give me your concurrence or arguments to the contrary.
I was just watching Woody and Skip yammer on about Donovon McNabb's new, T.O.-less Eagles, and a thought struck me. 'One thing you can say about T.O., he sure leaves a team different than he found it.' Then I realized that if you said that to Owens, he would take that as a 100% compliment. In reality, that's not necessarily true -- "different" doesn't mean better or worse, it just means you had an affect. But to T.O., that's all that really matters! He doesn't care what he leaves in his wake -- all that matters to him is making a big splash. If you were to discuss this idea with T.O. in an interview, he'd come up with something like, "Hey, y'know whut? When I come to a team, I'm an impact player, and I give it 110%. Nobody can dispute that."
As I'm going over this imaginary interview in my head, I finally had a stark realization. All these years, T.O. has reminded me of somebody. His accent, vocal inflections, and facial expressions always seemed familiar, but I just couldn't put my finger on it -- until today.
Terrell Owens is Pvt. 'Bubba' Blue from Forrest Gump!! You know, Forrest's best friend in the army, who he co-owned Bubba Gump Shrimp with?? "You knuw, they's all kind of shrimps. Let's see, they's boiled shrimp... fried shrimp...barbecue shrimp...lemon shrimp...coconut shrimp..." I can totally hear Terrell Owens drawling, "You knuw, Drew, they's all kinds of passes. Let's see, they's deep passes..... short passes... mid-range passes.... crossin' passes....uh... deep passes.."
You know, the Tuna always said, "Life's like an offensive pass scheme. You never know what you're gonna get." One thing B.O. won't get is 100 catches this year. But it will be a treat to imagine Pvt. Bubba under the helmet, trying to pretend he & Forrest Bledsoe are like peas 'n carrots.
I can see the PR push that's going on right now: hip commercials with cool young dudes playing soccer on a blacktop playground, lots of added soccer on ESPN2 and other channels, more soccer on the "Top 10 Plays Of The Day". There are people in the blogosphere asking for more soccer stuff, and even while sitting around the other day discussing baseball, some joker chirped, "You know what the U.S. needs? To get more into soccer."
No, we don't. And we won't. Now before all you soccer-heads start with the requisite whining, let me assure you that I understand your position: soccer is the most popular game in the world. It takes skill and unreal endurance. Soccer players are some of the best athletes in the world. The worldwide celebrity of soccer players makes A-Rod look like Stephen Baldwin. I know, I know. Respect and kudos.
Here's the problem: we don't care, and we're just not going to. Soccer in the U.S. has been relegated to a children's game; a game that is better for kids' physical fitness than baseball, better than basketball for learning teamwork (because more kids can play at once), and not as physically challenging and female-exclusive as football. I played soccer myself, and was pretty good at it, from about the 4th grade to the 7th grade. By the by, please appreciate the inherent emasculization I feel as an American sports fan for admitting that in public.
Is this just typical American "any sport where you don't use your hands is for sissies" machismo? Maybe a little, but I think there's more to it than that. Although, really, it's pretty simple: We already have three huge, multi-billion dollar, multinational, multi-generational, American-invented sports that have occupied our collective conscience for the last 100 years. We really just don't have the emotional reservoir, the time, or the inclination to add more. And if we do need more, we've got hockey. This sports-crazed overload that Americans have just doesn't allow us to give two hoots about professional international soccer. That, and a lot of soccer players still do look kinda sissy-fied.
I've told this story before, but I love it so much that I'll tell it again. A year or two ago, David Beckham and his wife Posh Spice were in L.A., shopping for shoes. They caused a ruckus at one store when they demanded that the store be closed to the public for an hour, so that they could shop "undisturbed by fans". The shop owner refused. Why? Because it was L.A., and nobody would know who they were, or care who they were even if they did know. You're a soccer player and a Spice Girl. Nobody cares.
A perfect example of why international pro soccer will never fly in the U.S.; we just don't care, and we never will. Thank God.
So, soccer fans, do yourselves and me a big favor, and please stop trying to make me like soccer.
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