Since I started Draft Day '06 waking up bleary-eyed and saggy-tailed after a typical beer-soaked Friday night in Austin, stumbling to the couch, and craving (nay, needing) a Coke and a breakfast taco, I figured I owed it to myself to punctuate the occasion by giving some thoughts and general musings.

For starters, do they teach you in "rookie school" that you must start every single sentence during an interview with, "Well, you know, basically, it's just...."?  These guys have agents, advisors, posses, parents, coaches, mentors, and every other possible kind of personal help they could ask for.  Does nobody bother to mention to them that sounding like a remotely intelligent, articulate, sentient human being with a college education might get them an extra couple hundred thousand bucks on that rookie contract?  Listening to interviews on Saturday was a real treat.

Next:  I'd really like to punch Matt Leinart in the face.  I realize that sounds harsh -- because it is -- but I've made a list of "Top 10 People I'd Really Like To Punch In The Face".  Matt Leinart became #6 immediately after I saw him give that interview with that ridiculous green knit-cap looking thing on his big stupid melon.  Did you see it?  It was one of those hipster doofus things, that came way down on his forehead and all the way down the back of his head, with the very bottom flipped up in a little girly-Q.  Who's gonna make his Cardinals jersey, Abercrombie and Fitch?  He looked like Ashton Kutcher, QB.  I used to respect him as a player, but then I saw his interviews this past month.  If you wanna be a pretty-boy, be a wide receiver.  Be a cornerback.  But if you expect to be a successful QB in the NFL you have to be sharp, hard-nosed, and most of all, respected.  With that Hollywood attitude, that's never going to happen.  And by the way, the look on his face when the Jets took D'Brickashaw Ferguson was priceless.  Definitely worth getting up for.

After five hours of the first round, I kept expecting to see them come back unexpectedly from a commercial break with Chris Berman hunched over the desk, a half-eaten hoagie in his hand, one jowl stuffed to maximum capacity, and chewing feverishly with lettuce and mayo dripping onto his tie.  Michael Irvin comes running in, awkwardly trying to zip up his fly and brush the powder off his nose at the same time.  Mel Kiper on his cell phone, looking like he's getting the skinny on some 7th round pick, then saying, "I know... quart of milk, stick of butter, loaf of bread... I love you too, poopi-kins," and hanging up.  I wonder when was the last time these guys had to work five hours at a stretch?  Hilarious.

Those little rock-n-roll montages that they did with the top picks, where they were on a model runway in crazy getups, wind whipping around, strobe lights flashing, dudes dancing around -- were RIDICULOUS.  Who was the genius behind that one?  Apparently the one person with any sense wasn't at the meeting where they said, "Hey, you know what would be a super-killer idea?  Let's put the top picks in ridiculous suits and costumes, play some crappy rock music, get some smoke machines and strobe lights, and make them dance on a stage in front of a fake audience?  That's so football."  And, naturally, Matt Leinart's was the goofiest.  He actually did the Matrix/Michael Jackson/Jesus pose:  arms stretched out to the side, face to the sky, wind whipping clothes around dramatically.  Shades on, camera swirling.  Pardon my French here, but there's no other way to describe it:  what a douche-nozzle.  I know, very unclassy and un-sportswritery of me.  But accurate.  I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

Is it just me, or does Jay Cutler look like a complete buffoon?  How does a Vandy grad that's supposed to be so sharp, with so much "upside", look like a total knuckle-dragging, slack-jawed troglodyte?  More proof that the Wunderlich test is meaningless.

You may have noticed I really have no practical football analysis going here.  Why?  Because after the first round, it's pretty much a wash.  Most of the first-rounders are usually shoo-ins as starters next season, and after that there's no way of telling anything.  Tom Brady was a 6th-round pick.  Ryan Leaf was going to be a megastar.  Heath Shuler's running for Congress.  Sure, it's interesting to evaluate what teams filled what holes, who screwed up, and make our little predictions and draft grades.  But after the first round, it's pretty much a crap shoot. 

That said, I will give some basic opinions:  1)  The Texans lost their minds picking Mario Williams.  Sure, a kick-butt DE can be an impact player.  A Dwight Freeney or a Julius Peppers can be a game-changing force.  But is Mario Williams of that quality?  There's no way of knowing, but probably not.  That type of player is a rarity.  And with the sad-sack Texans -- in a city that already gave up on one semi-successful football franchise -- in desperate need of some good PR, needing to give its fans a reason to come to the stadium, they should have taken Ferguson or Bush.  I know you can't let the fans dictate your franchise personnel.  But as much as they need to shore up their defense, they have a bigger need to keep David Carr vertical.  2)  Bush to New Orleans?  Fine.  He'll have a rough go, but he (and they) will be OK.  3)  I really like Vince Young going to Tennessee, mostly because it gives me a reason to root for the Titans, which my bloodline mandates.  I think he'll develop well under Norm Chow and Jeff Fisher, and he will benefit from holding the clipboard for either Steve McNair or Kerry Collins (if that happens).  Hopefully he won't see any real action until '07.  4)  As much as Matt Leinart makes me queasy, Arizona is a good fit for him.  He's got good weaponry with James, Boldin, and Fitzgerald, the Cardinals seem to be on the rise, and Denny Green won't tolerate much Hollywood attitude.  Kurt Warner is also the perfect tutor for him, both in attitude and playing style.  Fine.  Good luck, Nancy-boy.

Ok, that's enough for now.  Now that we have two more months of draft-day analysis and Mel Kiper's hair to look forward to, I'm sure there'll be plenty more to blog about in the days ahead.  Just thought I'd give an observation or two, throw a few barbs, irritate some SoCal-ers.  Mission accomplished.

Mmmm... breakfast tacos....