Tell me, dear reader, what is a sport?  Many of us subscribe to, "Well, if it's on sports TV (Fox, ESPN XII, whatever), then I guess it's a sport."  Wrong!!  Frankly, I'm sick to death of seeing Scrabble tournaments, spelling bees, dog shows, and -- first and foremost -- poker on my sports TV.  These are not sports.  At best, they are highly skilled hobbies. 

To make that assertion, we (meaning me -- it's my bleepin' blog, for cryin' out loud) have to define what a "sport" is.  Our old pal Webster's says it's this:  "Sport n. - An athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess and often of a competitive nature."  Yah, what does he know anyhow... his books are boring anyway.  So I'll take it a step further:  A sport is any physical, athletic competition, where one participant's ability to perform is directly affected by an opposing participant.  If your activity doesn't fit those criteria, well, then, friend... you got yourself a hobby.

I think we can all agree that poker, cheerleading championships, and the rock-paper-scissors finals aren't sports.  We can probably also agree that games like hockey, soccer, tennis, and (technically) NASCAR still qualify as sports, although I really would still be just dandy if I never saw another score or highlight reel of them for the rest of my life (Don't get me wrong, most of those guys could run me down & beat me senseless, then make me play their sport and beat me senseless at that.  Wait, not a soccer player... I think I could take a soccer player).  But anyway, what the heck fun is agreeing on things?  So, here's a list of a few of those highly skilled hobbies/non-sports that may put a burr under your equestrian saddle: 

1)  Golf -- Again, don't get me wrong; I like golf.  Granted, it is the most perfect nap material in the history of broadcasting, and is the worst spectator "sport" on television.  But I do respect those who play it well (my boomerang slice is a catalyst there), and I have great respect for the history of the game as well as the skill and dedication it takes to become even a decent player.  But the fact is, it's not a sport.  What Tiger shoots in a given round has virtually nothing to do with what Vijay shoots.  The mental effects are there, sure. A good player has to have an innate drive to win and be able to withstand incredible amounts of pressure.  But if you think those are adequate criteria to make it a "sport", then life itself is a "sport" too!  No, golf is a solo game.  If players were allowed to, oh, I don't know, maybe... box other players out of the green, or lay a shoulder check on a guy shooting out of the rough, or even yell, "Boogaboogayermama!" during shots, then maybe it would qualify as a sport.  And it would be infinitely more fun to watch.  But, alas, Tiger shoots what Tiger shoots, and what John Daly is doing two holes back (even if it's gobbling down Ho-Ho's and Hot Pockets and pounding PBR's) has absolutely no bearing.  Highly skilled hobby, kind folks.  Not a sport.

2)  Bowling -- see "Golf"

3)  Track and field --  These are some of the most amazing athletes in the world.  They can run faster and jump higher than most of us could ever dream of.  They can throw pointy things and heavy things really far.  They train relentlessly their entire lives for a 5-10 second shot at perfection and glory.  The difference between a track foot race and a NASCAR race or a horse race is minute, but important:  track has lanes.  In most track events, you must stay in your lane and not interfere with other runners.  Besides mental competitiveness, a given runner's time is not affected by another runner's time.  Hammer throwers aren't allowed to come up and give other hammer throwers an atomic wedgie or wet willie while they're spinning 'round and 'round.  Thus, not a sport.   

4)  Virtually all Winter Olympic games --  OK, Tonya Harding maybe fudged on this one a bit.  But usually, olympic ice dancers aren't allowed to break the kneecaps of other ice dancers.  Downhill skiers aren't allowed to reach out and poke their opponents eyeballs with their bendy poles.  Cross-country skiers aren't allowed to use ACME paint to draw fake paths on the sides of giant boulders, and make their opponents crash into them.  So until I hear a cross-country skier say, "So long, Bambino!  See ya in Torino!", it's not a sport.  What a maroon.....       

5)  Hunting and fishing -- This one's a more tenuous line.  It is directly man vs. beast.  But unless said beast is directly trying to avoid or run away from you -- not just standing there munching berries, or swimming around a pond, or migrating south -- it's not direct competition, and therefore not a sport.  Hunting and fishing championships could be considered sports, I suppose, if hunters were allowed to set bear traps for other hunters, or fishermen could throw spinner lures or dead fish at their competition.  Hmmm, now that I thought of it, I think I might try that this weekend.  My neighbor Earl's been throwing his leaves in my yard, big jerk.       

So there you have it.  These are highly skilled hobbies, not sports.  Hopefully some of you can take off your bowling wrist-brace-thingy, or step away from your little orange-juicer putting practice dealie (if you can practice inside your office, is it really a sport?) for just a moment, and give me your futile arguments to the contrary.