I've been hearing and reading all the Patriot-hate after they beat they pre-anointed Chargers last week.  It seems like folks  -- not just Charger fans -- are actually angry at the Patriots for eliminating the team that was supposed to win the Super Bowl.  This was their year.  L.T.'s a God.  Rivers is sharp.  Their 'roided up D is a force of nature. Marty's... well, Marty's still Marty, but they just hope he doesn't screw it up for them again this year.  Which he promptly did.  And still they hate the Patriots.

The blogosphere & talk shows call them "boring".  They say "here we go again", the Patriots beating someone they're not supposed to beat, with less talent and no flash.  They get lucky.  They get all the calls.  They have no "stars".  Their coach doesn't rant and rave and bitch-slap unsuspecting podiums (OK, maybe photographers) or throw coolers onto the field, and he hates talking to the media.  In fact, he mumbles when he talks, says nothing of substance, and gives us no information about his team or gameplans.

Boooo-ring.   Right?  Wrong.

What's boring to me is watching players act like they just won the Super Bowl after they catch a 5 yard pass, on 2rd & 8, in the 7th game of the season, while playing for a 1-5 team.  It's intolerably boring to listen to a 3rd-string wide receiver thank his hands for "being so great", or to hear a premier future Hall Of Famer tell his teammates how he "loves me some me!"  Freaking SNORE.  A coach losing his marbles at a press conference and chirping "playoffs?!" a hundred times, or flinging office supplies at cameramen is fun for a second, but it's all been done before.  Ad infinitum.  Players and coaches acting like 6-year-olds, living like movie stars, and playing the game with "flash" and "style" isn't entertaining any more.  It's old and it's played out.  It's been done.  For 40 years now.  Move on.

That's why I call the New England Patriots the most entertaining team in the NFL, not the least.  What I get the biggest kick out of is watching Bill Belichick torture the relentless, parasitic media -- and in turn the ravenous, lobotomized fans -- by giving press conferences full of mutterings, grunts, and talking for 5 minutes while saying absolutely nothing.  I want a coach like Belichick who is a mad scientist, who barely remembers to put on pants to coach the game, much less a nice shirt, and is obsessed with winning to the point that it becomes OCD, instead of slick motivational-speaker coaches like Jon Gruden or Brian Billick.  Belichick says nothing to the media because 1) he hates them, and 2) he knows that giving away one single iota of information about his team gives his opponents -- present and future -- a slight edge on his team.  Information is like gold in the coaching world, hence the endless scouting reports, stat breakdowns, and film analysis.  What gives a team a winning edge is knowing more stuff about them than they know about you. So he wears his hoodies and says nothing.  And I am entertained.

Watching 84-year-old, 170-pounds-soaking-wet Troy Brown running around on both sides of the ball, year after year, always seeming to be in the middle of the action when a big play is needed, is far more entertaining to me than watching Michael Strahan heft his aching old bones into a 16-inch vertical leap and mimic a jump shot that would have been swatted into the 3rd row of a real basketball game, or seeing Ray Lewis wrack his body into epileptic spasms, when they do nothing but hit a guy real hard.  Wow, congratulations, you made a good defensive football play.  Now go throw a smart block on special teams like Troy Brown, or catch a touchdown pass like Mike Vrabel, and we'll talk about entertainment.  Celebrations and trash talk don't entertain me anymore, good football does.

Don't get me wrong, I used to love players with style, flash, 'zazz, quick tempers and self-aggrandizing arrogance -- when I was 15.  But now, can we please move beyond this adolescent, WWF mentality that pervades professional sports?  This tedious repetition of juvenile, bush-league antics is just plain tiresome, and the longer it goes on, the more childish it gets.  When a high school football player makes a big play, he stands up, pumps his first, hi-fives his teammates, and gets back in the huddle for the next play.  When an NFL player makes a big play, he screams, points at the overhead camera, stomps off away from his teammates, does his patented celebration dance, hand-flashes his endorsement deal, and frantically thumps on his chest, both physically and metaphorically.  You tell me, who's more juvenile, the 16-year-old high schooler or the world-class "grown-up" millionaire?

"Flash" is no longer flashy to me.  Things that have flash or style are things that are different from the norm, and there is no edge, style, or flash anymore in outrageous athletes.  It's old, it's tired, and overall BORING.  Watching players and coaches drive the media and fans insane by saying nothing is just damned hilarious. Watching them topple Super Bowl favorite after Super Bowl favorite for the last six years, while having virtually no "stars", has been invigorating and inspiring.  The New England Patriots' blue-collar, no-nonsense, team-first, win-at-any-cost attitude is what real style is.  It's different, it's edgy, it's infuriating, it's brutal, and because of it the Patriots are the most entertaining team in the NFL.   

This is a headline you may expect to see in the near future, if today's social/political actions are any indication.

After all the discussion about sweeping smoking bans and food substance bans, both pro and con, the crux of the matter is this: it's the personal/business freedom to use or allow a legal product as they see fit VS. the personal freedom to go to a public place without being physically harmed by another person's actions.  It's a tough call; otherwise the debate wouldn't be so heated.

There have been many different analogies used throughout he years, from the Steve Martin joke --  "Hey, mind if I smoke?"  "No, mind if I fart?" -- to analogies about spitting on the floor in restaurants or putting cyanide in food.  I think I've finally found an analogy that comes the closest to the real thing -- banning smoking in all bars is like legally changing traditional, organized contact football into flag football. 

A person could say, "I have the right to enjoy playing the game of football without being permanently injured."  "OK, fine," we'd all say.  "If that's what you want, then play non-contact flag football.  It would be ridiculous to even think about changing." 

HOWEVER, here's a scenario I could actually see happening in today's world:  A boy, age 18, was a good high school running back and is offered a scholarship to the University of ____, in his home state.  But he and his mother have decided, after enduring all the physical contact and risking injury in high school, that it's not fair for him to risk permanent injury just to play a game that he loves.  So, they call their lawyer, the university athletic director, the NCAA, and their state senator, and threaten to sue the NCAA if they don't change the rules to make regular football into flag football, nationwide. 

Sounds absurd, doesn't it?  In all likelihood, a lawsuit like this would be deemed "frivolous" and "impossible", and would never see a courtroom or the floor of a legislature.  Intense physical contact, and therefore possible permanent injury, is just "a part of the game", right?  And adults over the age of 18 have the right to decide whether or not to engage in this activity, right?  Nobody's taking them by the ear and making them play football.  If they don't want to risk physical injury, and still play the game of football, then they can engage in a non-harmful form of the game by playing flag football.  There are organized leagues, and they can enjoy the game without risking a broken neck, concussions, or permanent organ damage.

However, a person could argue that organized contact football is "infringing on their rights" to choose their own lifestyle, and means of making a living, by allowing the possibility of real physical harm.  Adults have the right to choose their own lifestyle without the risk of personal injury.  They have the right to go where and do what they want, in a public arena, without the actions of others causing them possible permanent disability.  What kind of country do we live in, where the harmful and dangerous acts of others can keep another person from choosing their own lifestyle and recreational activities?  It's simply unfair, it's not right, and changing the rules would be in the best interest of all players.  Wearing protective gear and having rules against unnecessary roughness is not enough.  Even with the rules and protection, players incur permanent, disabling physical injures all the time.  It should be mandatory that the NCAA, and subsequently the NFL, ban traditional contact football rules, and change to the rules of flag football.

If High School Player X's family has enough money, good enough lawyers, and enough political contacts, this lawsuit could actually be brought against the NCAA.  And if the enactment of smoking bans in bars is any precedent, this lawsuit could actually be won.  They're virtually the same argument.

I recently saw the report that New York City has passed a ban on "trans fats". "Trans fats" are the "bad fats" that are in the food we eat -- the stuff they use to deep-fry doughnuts and french fries.

Thank God, it's about time!  I mean, really, New York City lawmakers, where would your poor, ignorant, morbidly obese citizens be without you to protect them?  They'd just continue waddling through life, dumb as a post, gobbling down those heart-stopping, artery-clogging grams of goodness, enjoying themselves and acting like citizens with free will, deciding for themselves how to run their lives without hurting anyone else.  That simply won't do.

When you think about it, where would they be now if they hadn't already banned smoking?  The citizens of New York City (even the non-smokers, which is pretty much everybody anyway, right?) would undoubtedly all be dead or in publicly funded hospitals, hacking up their lungs and wheezing out the last breaths of their stupid, meaningless, inconsiderate lives.  Now, thanks to you saviors of humanity, your fine residents can breathe that clean, pristine, New York City air they've all come to know and love.  I'm sure that constant overhang of smog that's still there, not to mention the aromatic bouquet that's a mixture of urine, vomit, and diesel exhaust that permeates your streets, is caused by leftover cigarette smoke.  Whew, thank God above for your wisdom and compassion, o keepers of men, so that your citizens and visitors don't have to breathe that awful, smelly, murderous stuff.

And now, what with your citizens and visitors being mentally and morally incapable of making their own decisions regarding their health and all, you've taken the brilliant step of saving them from themselves by trying to ban "trans fats".  The last thing they would want, in a city globally famous for its world-class restaurants, is for their food to taste good.  It's infinitely more important for their food to be healthy, right?  At any cost, and screw anybody that doesn't think so, right? It really is up to you, you cutting-edge geniuses, to be at the forefront of the all-important issue of the "war on obesity".  It's a proven fact that if you don't meet this threat head-on, the terrorists win.  As a person who intends to visit and work again in The Big Snapple sometime soon, I'm so grateful to you that I'm going to get to eat the bland, flavorless veggies, tofu, and boiled potato strips that I've come to love so much in my lifetime.

My eternal gratitude to you, New York City lawmakers and www.bantransfats.com, for saving me from myself.  Without you, your city might really suck.

*Note -- a version of this was sent as a letter to www.bantransfats.com

Let me say up front that I'm not encouraging some yay-hoo to actually sock these people in the grill.  The point of this list is to point out some people in the sports world who would be done a great service by a good ass-kicking.  These are people with super-inflated egos who think they are untouchable and immune to the basic laws of acceptable behavior that govern the rest of us.  People like this would be well-served to be knocked down a peg or two, and the only thing that would do it (since they obviously don't understand reality) would be a shot in the jaw.

1.  Jeremy Shockey -- Possibly the most self-overrated player in the NFL.  Any young player that thinks he has the cred to publicly criticize his coaches is seriously deluded.  He's nowhere near as talented as he thinks he is, he's a relentless whiner, and his undeserved ego may be unparalleled in the NFL.
2.  Kellen Winslow, Jr. -- Pretty much the same argument as Shockey.  While Shockey's ridiculous ego mostly comes from being a U of Miami alum, Winslow's comes from the silver spoon.  He's been told his entire life how great he is, and he actually believes it.
3.  Randy Moss --  Moss is a player who thinks he's above the rules (spoken or unspoken) of the game.  For a guy who makes as many mistakes as he has in his career, I've never heard him admit to a single one.
4.  Barry Bonds -- Possibly the most obvious member of this list, although it has nothing to do with his alleged steroid use.  Any filthy-rich athlete who plays the race card and feels as undeservedly victimized as he does needs some serious humbling, and a right cross is probably the only thing that will do the trick.
5.  Steve Spurrier -- Right off the bat, any adult male who wears a visor (and is not on a golf course) deserves to be on this list. But that's minor.  What really puts him on this list is 1) his relentless whining EVERY TIME a call goes against his team, and 2) his flat-out, unashamed cockiness, even when he's coaching a mediocre team.  Two words for the Ol' Ball Coach:  Washington Redskins.
6.  Drew Rosenhaus -- Is there a more unsavory individual anywhere on the planet?  He exemplifies, enables, and pretty much is everything that's wrong with the sports world today.
7.  Tony Kornheiser -- Basically, this man is a nothing more than a loudmouthed douchenozzle who in no way deserves to be in the broadcasting booth for a sports giant like Monday Night Football.  For more info, see my post "Who Asked You, Tony Kornheiser?" 
8.  The entire U of Miami program -- The "U" of the '90's, as much as I hated it, deserved to be cocky fatheads because of their dominance.  But this year, their pitiful displays of overinflated self-aggrandizing to the point of violence is nothing short of appalling.  Hopefully we can get a female to give University President Donna Shalala her own personal smackdown, because she deserves it as much as Coker or anybody on the team.
9.  99% of Ohio State fans -- I've never seen, heard, or met an Ohio State fan who wasn't a complete jackass.  They're jackasses when they're not even in Columbus.  They feel it is their right to treat opposing players who come into the "Horseshit" like animals, throwing things at them and generally abusing them far beyond what is considered acceptable anywhere else in the nation.  They think it's cool to go around burning their town down when they win a game where they are favored by 20 points.  You do know you live in Columbus, Ohio, right?  Kudos.  You're super-cool.
10.  Texas A&M for "Cart McCoy" -- Some dorks on a Texas A&M fansite in College Station are using this as a nickname for Texas QB Colt McCoy, who got knocked out of a game after two cheap shots from two worthless Aggies.  The epitome of classlessness.  Wow, you beat Texas for the first time in this millenium.  Nice job.  Enjoy it while you can, morons.

You've probably already heard about this, and I'm sure it's no surprise to you that it infuriated me.  The city of Omaha, Nebraska has publicly urged its citizens to call 911 if they see someone smoking in a public place.

Obviously, they hopped on the senseless, self-absorbed, do-gooder bandwagon and recently adopted a citywide smoking ban.  This is no surprise, as several cities across the nation are adopting this anti-citizen, anti-business legislation, mainly to cater to special interests and to help their politicians make names for themselves over cause-du-jour issues.

I had already heard about this, but wanted to get more information before I said anything about it.  So, I just saw the two politicians -- Jim Suttle and Franklin Thompson -- trying to explain themselves on Tucker Carlson's show on MSNBC.  I will send them this post as an email, although if they don't care what their own citizens and businesses think, they'll probably just laugh at what we think.

On the show, these two lunkheads rationalized their urging people to call 911 when they see smokers by saying that their system can handle the extra calls.  They also stated that there have only been about a dozen calls since this has been enacted, so it's no big deal.  As usual, the politicans don't get it -- the volume of calls is beside the point. 

What they are doing is fueling the fire of the demonization of half its citizens, publicly turning smokers into criminals on par with murderers and rapists in the eyes of the public.  This is what they want, obviously, although they said the "real" calls to 911 regarding personal safety are given first priority.  Again, they miss the point -- you are telling your citizens that smelling cigarette smoke in a public place is an actual personal emergency, and the perpetrators are violent criminals.

Think they don't have an agenda?  When Carlson said "I personally don't care for smoking," Thompson chimed in "Good!"  They seemed taken aback when Carlson also said, to his credit, "I personally think smoking should be allowed in bars.  It isn't your bar, it's the business owner's bar."  They had no answer to that one that I recall.  For what it's worth, Jim Suttle is the real bad guy here.  He's the one who introduced the legislation, and he seemed to be the focus of the interview.  Franklin Thompson just seemed to me to be the politician along for the ride, trying to get publicity for himself.  He actually said he was against the 911 thing at first, then later changed his mind.  He also seemed to raise his eyebrows at some of the nonsense Tuttle was spewing out of his bald old piehole.

OK, so they said they don't believe public smoking is on par with murder and rape, which is easy to say, but I'll go a step further.  Is it on par with a downed power line? Teenagers disturbing the peace?  A fender-bender accident in rush hour traffic?  A rabid possum in the neighborhood?  No, no, no, and no.  Yet these are all reasons that people call 911.  Any sensible person would say that someone smoking in a public place isn't even on par with these minor incidents, yet these politicians believe it is. 

Tuttle even had the audacity to say, regarding the ban itself, "We used to look at this as a medical issue, with a medical solution.....Then we realized it's not that, it's a political issue that needed a political solution."  He publicly admitted that the ban has nothing to do with public health or safety, that it was only political.  Case in point:  when Carlson said "Thanks for coming on", at which point the guest is supposed to say "Thanks for having me on, Tucker," Tuttle prattled on with "Why, thank you Tucker for having us, and thank you for your interest in Omaha."  After which Thompson grinned and pointed at the camera and chirped, "MSNBC!"

These people don't care about you, Omaha.  They certainly don't care about the personal freedom of any other American citizen or business owner.  They're in this for themselves, and to bring attention to their soulless little city.  But I'll say loudly and proudly, "DON'T GO TO OMAHA".  Wait, it's Omaha.  Nobody goes there anyway.  Which is why they started this whole thing in the first place.

Portions of this will be sent to jsuttle@ci.omaha.ne.us , and fthompson@ci.omaha.ne.us.